


Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams

by secretpen28



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: AU, AU Emison, Drama, F/F, Family, Legal Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 135,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26104540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretpen28/pseuds/secretpen28
Summary: *COMPLETE* Alison and Emily had been together almost 4 years when an unstoppable scenario drove them apart. Now that Alison is back in Rosewood, will she be able to fix her wrongs? With everything so entirely different from when she left, will her needs, wants, desires, and dreams line up, or will she be forced to give up some of her aspirations for the sake of her wife? AU Emison.
Relationships: Alison DiLaurentis/Emily Fields
Comments: 19
Kudos: 36





	1. Once Upon A Time

The day of her release was a winter afternoon like any other. A dark grey hue covered most of the sky above spare a few clouds feathered throughout. The chilly, almost freezing, temperature gave a bite in the air. The breeze coming over the hill in Hawley, Pennsylvania sent a chill down her spine. Twenty-two and a half months earlier, she had entered the jail with a three-quarter length sleeved top that no longer suited the weather without a jacket.

There was a calm that came from her freedom. A sense of peace danced across her skin despite the overwhelming presence of the corrections officer escorting her to the wrought iron fencing that surrounded the perimeter on this side of the compound. She looked down at grass that she hadn't seen up close in some time due to the preference of hot, porous asphalt in the outdoor areas. Though it was dying in the sharp breeze, Alison DiLaurentis was just starting to come back to life.

She could see the car waiting for her at the end of the narrowed concrete walkway as she was escorted from the release area of the prison. She took a deep breath in the realization that she was headed home. Joining her hands together to spin the now unfamiliar metal band on her finger, she smiled, remembering the memories once associated.

Last night, lying in her bunk, she was able to remember almost everything. She remembered the chill against her fingertips as Emily began the phrase 'With this ring…' sliding the sleek silver band up her ring finger. The peace that radiated through her body as Emily's smile met her eyes saying 'I do.' The feeling of the back of Emily's hand against her lips while the pastor introduced them as a married couple for the first time. She had never felt as secure as she did with Emily by her side. Alison fantasized about their reunion, sending a broad smile across her face in anticipation. Things would go back to normal. They had to go back to normal.  
Her nearly two years in jail had been trying. But as the dark black metal fence opened to send her back into the real world, Alison had a guttural feeling that her life was only going to become more complicated from here. Nothing about her life was the same as when she entered, though she had every intention of correcting any wrongs once she returned home.

Approaching the blue hatchback, Alison smiled half-heartedly at the driver through the tinted windows as she unlatched the door. The woman in the driver's seat was Alison's most-trusted confidant over the past two years. She first noted the continued lines surrounding her mouth and eyes which exemplified both her older age, but also the constant flux between elation and grief that had occurred over the past years since Alison went away.

"Hey, Pam," Alison stated while exhaling as she leaned over the console to hug her mother-in-law.

Squeezing her close, she replied in relief, "Oh, Alison. It is so good to hold you again, sweetheart."

"You, too."

Letting go of each other, Alison rubbed the top of Mrs. Fields' hand. She had missed all forms of personal touch during her time away. Just feeling the divots and intricacies of someone else's hand gave Alison more relief than walking out of her cell and into the open air for the first time. Alison struggled to let go despite knowing that Mrs. Fields needed both hands to drive her home.

As they pulled away, Alison rolled down her window to let the air flow through her hair. Closing her eyes, she could feel the light mist coming off the freshwater lake nearby. Her hand lingered out the window relishing in the force of the wind pushing her hand back as she teased the pressure from inside and outside of the car. Experiencing something as simple as driving in a car for the first time in years sent a rush through her veins and sent a tingling sensation straight to her extremities. She was alive again.

The drive from Hawley back to Rosewood took over two hours, and as time continued to pass, Alison grew more anxious. She knew things would be different with Emily. Her wife hadn't come to visit in close to a year due to their current separation. But they both knew maintaining a marriage behind bars would be challenging to say the least. Emily continued to support her through writing Alison letters claiming it to have been too hard to see her behind glass. That the visits would be a reminder of a reality that Emily never wanted to face. Alison understood that more than anyone; she wasn't supposed to have been there. Everyone close to her knew that to be true.

"So, how is everyone?" Alison broke the silence.

"They're good. Excited to see you."

Alison sensed the hesitation behind Pam's words. There was something that Alison was missing; she could feel it. Though they had only interacted through glass the past two years, there was an evident bond that had been built absent of touch or genuine interaction. Once Emily had decided to protect herself and no longer visit, Pam's visits increased. At one point only once a month, Alison had soon grown anxiously excited for her weekly visits. It was Alison's primary connection to the rest of the world. Pam had quickly picked up on the things Alison most cared to know: how was she, what were the highlights of the week, how did the weather feel, what was the best meal of her week and how exactly did it taste, and of course, every intricacy of Emily's. Pam spent the entire hour allotted going as deep into detail as she could, describing the feeling of mist on your skin to the precise spices put into her chili for family dinner that week to noting the finest grimaces in her daughter's face when Pam was recounting their visit from the previous week. It was the highlight of all of Alison's weeks, and knowing that those moments would never occur again brought tears to Alison's eyes.

But when voice is a main source of identification, the main indication of right and wrong in Alison's life and the only point to cling onto day in and day out for years and years on end, Pam's hesitation was apparent. And because of their history since being detained, every brief difference, no matter how small, was noticeable.

"Good. I am so relieved just to be able to sleep in my bed tonight. Everything else can wait, you know? I want to have a day or so to breathe."

Mrs. Fields nodded silently, "Yeah, I know that Emily has had a lot on her mind recently. It will be good for you two to speak."

As they rounded into Alison's neighborhood, breath began escaping her. Alison fidgeted with her fingers, adjusting her now baggy clothes to better suit her frame. Mrs. Fields reached back across the console to squeeze Alison's forearm. Her heart pounded as she hesitantly climbed out of the car, Mrs. Fields coming around to rest her hand on Alison's back, guiding her to the door.

"Go on in, sweetheart."

Turning the front doorknob, a burst of heat from inside flooded against her skin. It settled in along with the smell of pine. She paused to take in a deep breath of the air around her, noting the difference between it and the stale air she had become so familiar with while she was away.

Entering directly into the living room, Alison's brother and wife stood immediately to greet her. Jason walked with a distinct skip in his step to wrap his sister in his arms. Alison leaned back to drag her hands through his hair and early stages of a beard forming on his face.

"You're here! When did you get in?"

"While Pam was going to get you. You know California's my home, but come on, Ali, you're my life." His hands rested on her face as he stared at her intently.

Alison followed his eyes while he traced over every inch of nuance he had missed over the past two winters. Though Alison could imagine Jason's desire to stare at her for the remainder of the evening, a hand on his shoulder interrupted him.

"Jase?"

"Right, right, right. So sorry." He ushered backward to allow Emily to step forward.

Seeing her for the first time in nearly 12 months took Alison's breath away. Emily never failed to capture every feature of beauty Alison desired. From the way her chestnut hair draped over her shoulders without pause to the glow of her olive complexion when she smiled, Alison was forever entranced.

"Hi, beautiful," Alison whispered, tucking her head into her wife's chest.

"Hey…" she replied, placing a pleading kiss on her forehead.

Emily's hands trailed down from Alison's shoulders toward her waist in attempts to find where the extra material of Alison's shirt ended and her wife's body began. Alison shivered under her touch, feeling immediate desire despite others being in the room. She looked up at her as Emily attempted to rationalize the woman in front of her.

"I'm so happy to be home with you; you have no idea."

"So are we," Emily replied, looking behind her at Mrs. Fields and Jason, both of them understanding the subtle hint behind her words.

"Well, Al, I'm here for the next two weeks. I already told Emily that I was snagging you for dinner sometime this weekend, okay sis? I'll see you soon."

"And I'm coming over tomorrow to make sure that everyone's adjusting well." Mrs. Fields placed her hands on both Alison and her daughter's shoulders in reassurance.

Emily closed the door behind their relatives as Alison began walking through her home. Not much had changed in the way of furniture or character, but little aspects of what she had left behind felt missing. The house smelled differently though Alison brushed it off as the freshly cut Christmas tree in the dining room window. Small spots on the bookshelves surrounding the TV in the living room appeared to be empty, but anything could have been removed from there to declutter. She reached out to feel the granite countertop beneath her fingertips, pulling away slightly at the remembrance of the chill it carried even with a fire going.

A few months before saying their vows, Emily and Alison walked into their dream home. Minutes outside Rosewood proper, both of the women loved the open lot that would allow for their family to grow. Though an older home, it had been recently flipped to remain new while keeping the Craftsman interior touch they wanted. Alison remembered the gasping grasp of Emily's hand reaching across the threshold to pull her inside the moment she saw the interior. From the dark wood to the vaulted ceilings to the expansive front porch, it was everything that they had imagined and more. Alison's fascination with the small details throughout the home made being immersed back into its beauty even more enrapturing. She focused on the small red wine stain made on the rug beneath the island from that one night her wife's sudden wardrobe change into something that left little to the imagination caused her almost empty glass to fall to the floor. She noted the divot etched out as she and Emily moved their large dining room table past the lower cabinets and scraped the side of a door with one of the table legs.

As she traced the nick with her thumb, the sound of Emily's voice behind her caused Alison to jump up suddenly, "Fuck." Her instincts had changed, and Alison extended her palms out to protect herself without a second thought.

"Woah there, Al. It's just me. I was coming to see if you wanted to see how everything came together upstairs." Alison noted Emily's sincere smile and nodded as Emily led her up the back stairwell to the guest bedroom. Alison intently noted the feeling of Emily's fingers perfectly forming into the indentations of her hand. She had missed the warmth that exuded from her palms and the way her index finger instinctually reached out to trace the inside of her palms.

She had missed intimacy. She had missed the delicateness of human touch; the finesse and lingering that existed between fingertips. She had missed Emily. She had missed her wife.

Darkness poured into the hallway save a small ray of light streaming from a plug in the wall in the corner. It was then that Alison saw the photo of both of them together. That's what had been missing from the bookshelf downstairs — this exact photo. Alison was sure Emily brought it up here as a reminder.

It was Christmas, and she had already been convicted and sentenced. Released on bail with the knowledge of Alison having to turn herself in loomed over their holidays. The leaves were crisp beneath their feet. Alison could still hear Emily's laughter as Alison pretended to be blown away in the wind. She remembered thinking that she would put on this comedic act for all eternity to have her playful giggle resonate through her ears forevermore. Emily wore an emerald green knit dress while Alison complimented her wife with a red tight-fit sweater. Not knowing exactly what the future held, the longing behind their eyes was apparent. In the photo they had selected now framed, Emily rested her forehead against Alison's temple, eyes closed and face calm. On the other hand, Alison's icy blue stare connected with their hands, which were intertwined against their bodies. A sideways glance filled with apprehension and regret for past transgressions that could never be redeemed.

Even looking at the photo now in the archway of the bedroom door, Alison felt unworthy. She had dreamed and pleaded for this moment for over a year, but sometimes your wants should remain a fairytale. And part of Alison felt the panging in her stomach that provided an overwhelming sense that everything in that room should stay a dream. That she didn't deserve the reality that lay before her.

"Come here." Emily pulled Alison's hand reassuringly despite Alison hesitating to walk more than a few feet through the doorway.

Alison meagerly walked to the corner of the room where Emily already stood lovingly. Alison leaned back to follow the gaze in their portrait. Their family portrait. For as much as Alison's eyes were latched onto the loving touch between their fingertips, the blaze behind her pupils actually went through their hands and to her wife's barely protruding stomach, discreetly outlined by Emily's dress. As Alison leaned over her daughter's crib, she gasped at how big she had gotten since she last saw her wrapped tightly in Emily's arms. A daughter who had never felt her touch- who had only been seen through the glass which Alison was sure had distorted her entire memory of her daughter.

Her Olivia.

"Livvy?" Emily whispered, reaching out toward her daughter's bronzed sleeping face, causing her to twitch as she settled back into her slumber.

"She has so much hair, Em." Alison gasped attempting to trap her tears behind her eyes while reaching for her wife's waist. "She's stunning."

"She's pretty perfect. Isn't she, Al? She's missed you."

"She has?" Alison couldn't pull her eyes off of her 18-month old daughter. She had a world of time to make up.

Emily looked back at Alison smirking, internally noting Alison's hesitation to reach out for her first born. "Of course she has. You're her mom."

But Alison was hesitant because of all she had missed. She could feel the connection laced behind Olivia's annoyed smirk beneath her. That connection was entrenched in Emily's love, whereas Alison had only felt that love from afar. Her daughter had never felt the love seep through her fingers. She had never felt the touch of her lips against her skin. Olivia only knew Emily, had only smelled Emily. She probably sensed Emily walking in from simply the waft of her citrus and rose perfume. To her daughter, Alison's scent was that of a stranger, an outsider undeserving of her recognition. Alison wanted to earn the right to her smile. She dreamed of being deserving of her giggle. She aspired to be someone that Olivia would open her eyes for, and joy would seep from every inch of her face. Alison would work for her daughter's approval every moment of the rest of her life. She was determined to make everything okay. In her marriage. With her family. For her daughter.

It would all be for them.

Alison drew back into the moment as Emily leaned closer into the crib. She rested her left hand on the edge while extending her right hand to pull down the top of Olivia's pajamas, which had risen throughout the night.

It was then that Alison noticed the most significant difference she had seen so far. The movement of the photo had been noted but was excusable. The noticeable pine smell that Emily had once openly hated as she walked in was recognizable but could be dismissed due to the upcoming holiday season.

But on Emily's hand, casually resting on her daughter's crib, was a ring. Alison could never forget the ring she had given Emily on one knee years earlier. The way she had intentionally added small details from the moments they spent together in their nearly decade long relationship. No, this diamond was different; the band Emily now wore was golden, and the cut was wrong.

Alison's gut dropped as she reached out her right hand to grab onto Emily's wrist before speaking.

"Emily, what the fuck is that?"


	2. Weak-Kneed

"Emily, what the fuck is that?"

The words spilled from her lips more harshly than Alison had intended causing Emily to quickly back away from the venom spitting through her teeth. Alison watched though as Emily attempted to casually cover her fingers with the palm of her right hand, as though the concept of object permanence would allude her wife as Emily moved for the door.

"We should talk downstairs." Emily muttered while walking past the lit doorway and toward the staircase, leaving no room for a rebuttal.

Alison's vision grew to a blur as she looked back in on her daughter's bedroom. What had been a peaceful reintroduction to normal life quickly evaporated into the real world. There were parts of her wife that Alison no longer was acquainted with just as there were parts of Alison that Emily would never be able to adequately understand again. As she stood in the doorway, Alison clung to the corner of the wall that jutted a foot out after entering. Maybe if she grasped on and held tightly to the vision of perfection she had just ripped from its holder, the reality of her wife wearing a new ring would not become a fact. The tears that escaped the corners of her eyes solidified the inadequacy deeply rooted in Alison's chest.

She desperately sought to rewind 30 seconds to when Emily's gold band first hit the glow streaming from the hallway. She could have internally ignored it and pushed the image back for another day. But Alison had reacted and ruined any semblance of a regular first evening back home.

As Alison descended the stairs, she watched as Emily placed two glasses down on the coasters, which were pre-set on the coffee table. Pre-set. Two coasters. Someone else was regularly here. Someone else who enjoyed the scent of pine. Who had caused their only family photo to be moved remotely in the house. Who loved Emily enough to give her a ring. Alison slowly sat across from her wife as tears continued to cascade down her face.

"It's tonic." Emily blurted out to interrupt the silence. "I did put vodka in mine."

There was another pause filled only with Alison's sniffles in attempts to pull herself back together.

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking at first." Emily added after only a few seconds while pointing to her glass.

Alison shook her head, "No, it's fine."

"Ali, I –"

"Em, we should –"

Both girls simultaneously attempted to fill in the gaps in their relationship with a few short words. Gaps that were once in the form of a crevice had molded into valleys separating Alison's worldview from Emily's. No matter where they started, they would each be behind. From the day Alison's foot first stepped on the concrete reality of prison, their relationship stood on unequal ground. They could feel it. They could sense that despite the attraction and love still palpably there between them, their relationship was different.

And they were worlds apart.

"Please go first, Em. I just need to hear you say it." Alison stared straight ahead at her wife. She knew that Emily would expect her to be weaker at this moment. That she might be downtrodden or incapable of addressing her entirely. But Alison had changed. She didn't have the time or the convenience of waiting until Emily was ready. Alison could sense how jarring her stature was to Emily. She was caught off guard by Alison's directness and looked away, sensing the disappointment in Alison's eyes.

"We're separated, Alison. I don't have to say anything about it…"

Alison sighed, unbelieving of her wife's answer. It didn't sound like her. Her words didn't offer the same care. They sounded rehearsed and intended to have no emotion behind them.

But Emily's face told a different story.

The foundation of Emily and Alison's marriage was an over decade long friendship where nothing remotely romantic had occurred. When Emily's father transferred to an army base in Carlisle, Pennsylvania during their 6th-grade year, her mother determined that living closer to a big city would be beneficial. This led to a shy, unsure yet overachieving Emily to walk through the halls of Rosewood Middle School just after they returned from Winter Break.

Alison and her friends were known for being outgoing, energetic, and an overall well-liked group, but Emily quickly fell into their stride. Her pensiveness and loyalty rounded out their group of five for the next seven years, and both girls watched as Emily found her courage and strength to speak out. Not only had Emily been forthcoming with her sexuality long before others in their high school had even attempted to, but she was also willing to take risks in dating that Alison was not.

Though Alison led in most other regards of her life, when it came to dating, she was forever unsure. She tended to rely on the casual hook-up throughout high school, and after realizing that a majority of her friends had sex before their senior year, Alison quickly found an opportunity to get it over with without second thought. It wasn't until college during a drunken and stupid weekend that Alison realized the reasoning behind her uncertainty. The moment that red-haired stranger put her lips on her own, Alison's liquor-filled veins dissipated, and all she could sense was her desire for their kiss to forever continue.

Alison had been excited when she heard that all the girls were coming to Massachusetts over Winter Break their senior year of college to visit her at Boston University while she took a class over the break. Due to having a consistent job and internship over the past year and a half, she longed to catch up with her girlfriends in person rather than over text and phone call. Alison anticipated all of the late night conversations they could have in her apartment and all of the drinking games they could play now that they were all officially 21. But Alison hadn't anticipated Emily Fields. The moment her front door swung open to welcome her in, Alison had lost the ability to process. How had she never noticed how effortlessly Emily's tanned skin completed the faintly tinted green pupils trapped behind her delicately curved eyelashes? How had she neglected to note how Emily's laugh captured the light from the room around her? How had she gone so long without realizing that there was no way she could live without her? It was over that visit that the two of them went on a walk through the snow to pick up coffees for the other girls. Despite the ever-present chill in the air sending smoke out into the atmosphere with every step, the girls' cadence had slowed to a crawl. Alison had intentionally plotted their walk to fall by the lit Christmas Tree in the middle of the Quad and asked if Emily would sit down for a moment. She hadn't planned past sitting on the bench. She didn't know if any of what she was feeling made sense at all. She did know though that if she didn't do something, Alison would never be able to forgive herself.

This is why when Emily paused to look at the tree, Alison casually stated, "Em, do you mind if I try som-" And as soon as Emily began to turn her head, Alison guided Emily's lips to hers with her mitten-covered hand lightly tracing Emily's jaw. Though a muffled 'woah' first escaped Emily, Alison's forwardness was soon reciprocated. Even through the numbness brought on by the chill, sparks radiated between their embrace. And when Emily pulled away moments later, Alison read every detail on her face. Details she had etched into memories directly into her brain never to be forgotten.

It was three years later to the date that Alison dropped to one knee under that same dim Christmas Tree light. A year after that, they wed. And now, almost eight years since their first kiss, they sat in their home having a conversation Alison could never have predicted when she placed her lips on Emily's all those years ago.

They knew each other deeply due to starting a friendship long before becoming lovers and then wives. Both Alison and Emily were able to sense motivations and intentions and ideals that were unknown to most who hadn't cultivated a relationship with someone else, romantic or not, for almost 20 years.

And it's because of this, because of all of this, that Alison could still read Emily's face better than anyone else. That the etchings of Emily's face made on that bench when they first kissed were still at the forefront of her mind. It was because of this that despite Emily's words, Alison knew her face told an entirely different story. Her words felt sure, but her face dripped with uncertainty.

Alison's eyes stared at her wife's lips as was typical due to their sharp and pouty nature. But unlike their natural position, Emily's bottom lip appeared smaller due to being gripped at the gums by her teeth. She was trying to hold back the words she had only just spoke. She regretted them, despite stating them with surety. Just below her bottom lip grew a quiver in Emily's chin though Alison couldn't detect if this was from fear or anxiety. It was looking at her so intently that Alison first realized that her wife had lost weight. Not as much as Alison had on a prison food only diet. But Emily's jaw was clear cut, her cheekbones more prominent. Was it stress? Or was it the love of another? Emily's fingers worked nimbly as she attempted to distract her eyes, while her foot shook, trying and get out some of the hesitancy that filled the rest of her body. Alison saw all of this and more in a matter of seconds. It came second nature to Alison, who had almost two years to remember each and every feature of the woman she had to leave behind.

Emily stared intently at the ring in her lap, tracing her finger around and around the band in attempts to ground herself in the feeling of its weight on her finger. To remind herself of the woman linked to that ring. She felt Alison's eyes pierce her like daggers stabbing through her words. This wasn't the same woman she had dropped off that March morning. She was stronger than she had remembered and carried herself with a marked hesitancy. Emily had rehearsed this with the idea that the Alison she knew was coming home. She couldn't have pictured trying to break the truth to someone who sat so fragile in front of her. Despite the strength staring her down, weakness trembled through her extremities. She saw how Alison jumped at the smallest startling sound behind her. Emily felt her shakiness when she clutched her hand to walk up the stairs. She heard the brokenness drenched in her sobs. Alison was simultaneously broken and manufactured back together. And Emily had been ill-prepared.

"Em, we may be separated, but we are still married. You can't shut me out from this. I deserve to know what happened." Her voice trailed off to barely a whisper, "I need to know where I went wrong here."

"You didn't do anything wrong; it just happened."

Alison's voice remained steady though the intensity behind it rose, "That's bullshit, my love. It doesn't just happen. Taking our ring off and putting on a new one is not something just happening. Say it, Emily. Please." Her teeth were now clenched together as she inhaled, preparing for the blow.

"I met someone else." Emily reached across to the table picking up her vodka tonic, guzzling it as she looked at Alison for the first time in over a minute catching the sorrow in her wife's lilac blue eyes.

"Okay." Alison inhaled the finality of her statement. "You made the conscious choice to stop visiting me. You told me it was for Livvy. Was it for her? Had you really given up on us back then?"

"Alison, I never lied to you." She paused, hearing the scoff from across the living room. "The drive every week was so hard on Olivia. I was breastfeeding, and she was colicky. I mean, Al, you know that it's five hours there and back without having to be searched and harassed and waiting just to see you through a glass wall. I stopped visiting because of Livvy. I never returned because of her."

"What's her name, Emily? You're engaged to her; she deserves a name."

"Her name's not important…" Emily attempted to divert her wife's anger, but it caused the opposite reaction.

Alison rose laughing, "Bull. Shit." She seethed. "Her name is almost more important than the ring on your god damn finger because she…"

Emily watched as Alison caught a reflection of herself in the back window. Fists clenched. Back unmoving. A smug grin on her face. Alison took one glimpse and saw her father, which sent a chill down her spine. As quickly as her harsh tone and appearance had begun, Alison forced it to fade. She shook out her hands. She released her spine, allowing her shoulders to slump. She licked her lips to give a pause for her anger. And despite standing ten seconds prior, Alison sat back down, crossed her legs, placed her hands in her lap, inhaled, and then continued calmly.

"Because she came into our home and didn't even consider me. You know what? That's harsh of me, maybe she did. But she considered me and then disregarded me. She disregarded the fact that I was coming home. Yeah, none of us thought it would be so soon, but my love and our love was disregarded, Emily."

"That's not how it happened."

"Oh, so you made the first move? You, a married woman, made the first move? You didn't even make the first move eight years ago, babe, and you expect me to believe that you seduced a woman in our home single-handedly!"

"Well no, but –"

Alison stuck out one hand, "Please, let me finish talking this out in my head. You didn't give me the consideration to process all the shit before coming home, so at least allow me to talk this out calmly in front of you." Emily nodded curtly allowing her to continue. "I honestly can't even believe you right now, Em. You brought her into our home; the home we bought together. You spent time with her in our home, in spaces that were meant to be just for the two of us, babe. You fucked her. I mean, you had to have fucked her. She's had to have fucked you. Here? In our home, Em? And you couldn't tell me? You couldn't write me a fucking letter, just one damned letter to let me know you had moved on? You let me sit there day in and day out thinking that I was coming home to you only to find out that you had been taken from me without me having an opinion on the matter! Jesus Christ! Do you see how fucked this is, Emily?"

At this point, Alison was leaned forward on her knees. She had her head rested face-down in her palms while she groaned and pleaded and screamed out her frustrations.  
"It's not as fucked as you think; the ring is fairly new."

"Oh well, thank God!" she sarcastically replied throwing herself backward to stretch out against the rear of the couch, "Because man, it would've been so much better to have come home to you just screwing another woman. As if that would've been digestible."

Recognizing that Alison had been silenced by her own lamenting, Emily decided to speak through the pregnant pause, "Alison, you have to believe me that I didn't expect this to happen. Any of it. When I asked for a separation, it was because you had over six years left on your sentence, and I needed space from thinking about all of our baggage. I was just trying to figure out who the hell I was going to be when you got out of there. I wanted to figure myself out to be better for Olivia. It was never for someone else; it was for me. And so I got back into things I loved. I joined a swimming team. I picked back up an army-style workout routine. I started taking photography at college. I made friends, Al, and it took months for that to become anything more. I didn't mean to…"

"Fall in love?" Alison interrupted, watching Emily turn away to nod. "Emily, I get your reasoning. I do. To be honest, I was grateful last year when you asked for a separation until I got home. I didn't want you to feel chained to me in a way. I felt responsible for your every emotion even though I was hundreds of miles away. I wanted you to be happy, and I had seen for months when you came with Livvy that you weren't. Whether you weren't happy with me or with us or with yourself doesn't matter, but you deserved happiness. But I never would have agreed to this if I knew a ring would be the outcome, Em. I wanted you to find yourself, not another woman. You understand that, right?"

"Of course." Emily reached across what felt like a mile-wide abyss that lay between them and extended her hand. "I should've told you the moment it started before it became serious –"

"Has she held our daughter?" Alison shot in Emily's direction, untangling her fingers from her wife's. "Has she been alone with her?" A realization crossed Alison's eyes that someone she had never met had a connection with her daughter that she had yet to create.

"Alison – "Emily panicked.

Alison stood again pacing back and forth around the living and dining room, "No. You – You took Olivia away from me. I couldn't even imagine what she was going to look like when I walked into her room today. You took that from me. I never got to hear her say her first words or crawl or walk. Fuck, is she able to walk? Can a year and a half-year-old even walk? I don't fucking know because you never gave me a chance. You gave it to the first woman who walked through the door! You let her hold her! You let a fucking stranger make her laugh, change her diaper, maybe you let her watch her while you went to find yourself at those classes you took, Em! How could Olivia miss me when she doesn't even know who I am?"

"You don't get it –"

"Then make me understand! Please. Dear God, please help me understand this!"

"You don't know what it's like to raise a child alone, Alison. When she screamed and cried to be held at night, I was the one asleep on the carpet beneath her. Any changing or feeding or bathing or diaper run or play time was mine and mine only. I was exhausted, hell, I am exhausted, Alison. And that doesn't even begin to mention the stress I went through thinking about you. I'd wake up with nightmares of all of the terrible things that could be happening to you in jail. Things you wouldn't have deserved, never have deserved. You weren't even supposed to be there; they told us that you would never end up there. I went through over half of our pregnancy without you. I delivered her without you. And you are the only person I would've wanted by my side, Al. You missed out, yes, but so did I. I missed out on you day after day after day. Nightly I would jolt out of our bed, reach for you, and only feel the cold. Your fingertips lingered on my skin but could never cover my pain. Your lips danced across mine but could never console me. Your words filled my thoughts but never allowed me to escape my nightmare. You were always, and yet never here. So yeah, when I met her, I let her help me. I let her wake up and help Olivia. I allowed her to take over a bottle-feeding in the middle of the night. I gave her permission to run to the store and pick up things. You didn't live it, so it's fine if you don't understand, but please don't question how I raised our daughter when you weren't here."

Alison had stopped pacing somewhere in the middle of Emily's tirade to move next to her wife. Emily's words were laced with a pain that Alison couldn't fathom. They were covered in sleepless nights, tireless days, and an unending sense of hardship that Alison would never be able to comprehend. Alison placed her hand on her wife's leg in attempts to be united as Emily rolled through all she had done in Alison's absence.

"Em, I'm sorry I couldn't be here. Really, I am. I'm here now, okay? But I don't agree with what you did. I won't question it, but I don't agree with it. You won't be able to change my mind on that tonight, and I don't want to argue with you anymore. So can we table this for another day? I can't go around and around on my first night back."

"Yeah, I get it." Emily stood up from the couch, leaving Alison's hand to fall back down to the cushion as she walked away, gathering their cups to place in the sink. "I'm sure that you need a good night's sleep so you can take our room tonight. Also, Liv will sleep through the night, so I can fully knight you into motherhood in the morning. Sound good?" Emily asked, strolling back into the living room and placing her hands on Alison's shoulders.

"You're the boss." Alison claimed relatively facetiously in reply as she stood up and began walking to the first-floor master. She appeared to have let the whole conversation occurring minutes before go until she reached the doorway and turned around and began speaking assuredly, "I hope she knows that I still am in love with you. I hope that you tell her that when I saw you this afternoon, it felt like our wedding day when the doors opened to reveal you behind them." Alison walked back toward Emily with an intensity that both scared her and immediately turned her on. "I hope you describe to her the look that was on your face when you saw me today and how your lips lingered on my forehead. I hope you recount every second of your hands trailing the sides of my shirt to find how my curves have shifted since I went away. I hope that you've told her every single detail of my personality because then it won't be a surprise when you tell her that I'm not letting the ring on your finger dictate our future."

As Alison moved closer to her wife, Emily stayed put, unable to move from the hold behind Alison's eyes. Before she could fully process the words her wife was saying, Alison pressed her lips against Emily's cheek briefly, tracing her hands down Emily's side until they rested on her waist. Pulling away, Alison stared directly into Emily's eyes as Emily stood breathless before her, not recognizing the woman directly in her line of sight. Alison waited for Emily to move or speak, anything other than standing in front of her motionless.

"Al, I can't. I'm – "Emily sighed, closing her eyes and stepping backward.

Alison smirked as she followed Emily's lead and stepped away, "After you tell her that I'm not giving up, I hope you tell her that I respected your relationship more than she ever respected ours."

And with that, Alison DiLaurentis sauntered back to the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Emily could have sworn that she was exaggerating the sway of her hips more than usual, but as she stood still staring at the path she had taken back to the bedroom, she realized her thumb was tracing the delicate outline left by her wife's lips on her cheek. Emily quickened her pace until she found herself in front of their bedroom door, hesitating over the doorknob, knowing how easy it would be to fall back into old patterns, how desperately she craved having Alison's body on hers once more. But Emily allowed her thoughts to fade and settled for sitting on the floor with her back against the door, determined for Alison to make it through the night without the police ripping her from their bed again. Alison deserved that. She deserved to have peace during a day that Emily had provided her none.

Unbeknownst to Emily though, Alison replicated her movements in the darkness on the other side of the door. Leaning her head to the side against the door frame, Alison reached across her body with her right arm to place her palm on the door, knowing that the only thing that could wake her from this nightmare was the touch of her wife. They sat there, unknowingly back to back, until their breaths fell into an identical rhythm. Inhaling and exhaling until their breaths slowed. And as Alison leaned against the doorway while Emily curled into a ball on the hardwood floor, they both, for the first time in almost two years, slept peacefully knowing that the hell they had been through four years earlier was finally over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much again for reading; it truly means the world! Reminder that this story is complete, and I am posting updates at least once a week. Please leave your thoughts and appreciate everyone who has checked out the story thus far.
> 
> Love you all and can't wait to see how you all react to this chapter. Please continue to Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along. 
> 
> Until next time,  
> secretpen28


	3. Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Not yet adjusted to waking up at any time she wanted, Alison's body jolted her awake a little after 5 am as was typical for jailhouse life. She found herself with her back propped against the wall next to the door with her feet extended out straight in front of her. Her back ached, and her stomach churned from the gutsy move she had pulled less than six hours before. Alison peered on her hands and knees underneath the crack in the door noting the shadow of her wife still reflected in the hall. Part of her wanted to feel guilty that Emily felt the need to sleep outside their door from the memories associated with their last night together before she was arrested. But the other part of Alison, which was closer to the surface than she would've liked to acknowledged, thought that this was the least Emily deserved after the chaos she allowed Alison to come home to. Glancing back at the clock on their nightstand, Alison sighed knowing that it was far too early for her to open the door and wake her wife. Olivia would have to be stirring soon, and that had to be enough to ease Alison's mind from feeling trapped in a bedroom that was no longer hers. She stared at the king-sized sleigh bed in front of her and rolled her eyes wondering how Emily could have ever thought that granting Alison permission to sleep in their bed would come as a relief her first night home.

"Oh, yeah Al, sleep in our bed! I changed the sheets, but feel free to spend all night thinking about the crazy sex I've had with another woman while you've been locked in a cell 23 hours a day! Great fucking idea, Emily." Alison mumbled as she strolled through the room that used to smell like her.

She pulled back the sheets on her usual side of the bed, wondering if the new Alison liked the left side too. If she had picked it out of convenience because Emily preferred the right side or if she hand-selected the left just as Alison had. Did she lie there at night curled next to her wife knowing that she was the closest to the door? Had she considered that Alison had chosen it specifically to protect Emily in case anyone wished them ill-intent? When she was screwing her wife, was she thinking of every innocuous choice Alison had made to ensure Emily's safety?

As Alison lay down in the pulled back sheets, covering her body and laying on the pillow to make a dent, she wondered if the new Alison would go these lengths to make her wife think she had slept well. Alison tossed and turned, lightly kicking the comforter off of her feet to make it just messy enough before she crawled out, quickly shaking off the grime of the bed that she felt had already become embedded in her skin.

She walked toward the bathroom, scanning for the signs that someone else had been there. Tucked in the toothbrush holder were now three toothbrushes as though Emily expected the three of them to become quick friends. She picked up the bottle of face wash, pumping it once to rub the scent into her hands before giving it a quick sniff. Nope, that was not the smell radiating off of Emily's skin last night when Alison's lips touched her cheek. So she stayed enough to need a toothbrush and face wash, but no makeup other than Emily's grazed the countertops, nor was there a foreign perfume or hair straightener.

Having a better grasp on their relationship from the bathroom alone gave Alison more confidence to dig through their clothes. She walked to their dresser, clenching her eyes tight as she opened the first drawer which, before Alison left, contained her bras and underwear. Opening her left eye slightly, she exhaled to find her clothes still in their place. Alison had a drawer, and to her, that indicated hope. She pulled the drawers open one by one until she reached the bottom which contained a few t-shirts and undergarments she didn't know. Holding them up from the seclusion of the bottom drawer, Alison dug through to find tags. Shirts – medium. Underwear – medium. Bras – 34B. Alison laughed smugly relishing in the fact that Emily had downgraded quite a few cup-sizes when she accepted that new ring on her finger, but quickly tried to cover her glee in case she got caught snooping. She folded the clothes back into their drawer, feeling lightly victorious compared to the stranger.

Alison looked over her shoulder back at the bed she had just unmade letting the feeling of filth filter back through her veins. Her hands instinctually began rubbing her forearms seeking to take the layers of someone else off her skin. Within every wrinkle she had created in the sheets Alison imagined it to be another memory she wasn't a part of, a moment she threw away unintentionally. Every kiss, caress, touch, stare, fuck, and cuddle broadcasted across Alison's vision. She ran to the restroom as soon as she felt it.

Vomit.

A visual representation of her rejecting all of the news she received over the past 12 hours. Desiring to be rid of the cruel realization that her life may have been more simple behind bars. Maybe ignorance truly was bliss. Wiping her mouth of the abandonment that leeched through her skin, she began discarding her clothing desiring nothing more than to rid herself of any lingering dread obtained from briefly laying in their bed.

She stepped in and turned on the shower without waiting for the temperature to settle, wanting nothing more than to feel something outside of herself. Pressure that was not only internal. Heat on her skin that wasn't just her simmering rage. Steam clouding her eyesight that wasn't from the overcast haze inside her mind. Alison picked up the bottle of shampoo and held it to her nose, wafting the scent into her nostrils. She had been plagued for the past 22 months with the effects of unscented soap and shampoo which for as much as they disposed of smells, they did nothing in terms of making her feel even remotely attractive. Using her nails as her loofa, Alison began scrubbing and scratching the memories of lying in that bed off her skin. The deeper she attempted to dig, the looser the penetrating thoughts would become.

Opting to drip dry, Alison ensured a bathmat was laid on the ground before stepping back onto the tile. She stood soul bare in the foggy mirrors noting for the first time how genuinely different her figure had become. Though she had maintained her hourglass figure, Alison's overall build had trimmed. Her notably fuller cheeks had become more angled. Her legs, though always muscular, were now defined. She had been unable to see herself entirely in jail and only had brief glimpses of her face through shoddy mostly toothpaste stained mirrors. She had surprised her reflection and realized why Emily was visibly taken aback looking at her when she walked through the front door the day before. Alison deeply inhaled as she walked back into the bedroom not trusting any of the towels or robes not to make her feel sick to her stomach again before grabbing a bra and underwear from her drawer to slip on while walking to the other side of the room.

Entering the closet, Alison was again relieved the see her myriad of clothes still in their place. It appeared as though a few outfits for the week were hanging near the front of the closet that didn't match either Emily or Alison's aesthetic. After pulling the hanging jackets, long-sleeved t-shirts, and an assortment of A-line dresses toward her, Alison determined that she couldn't have been living here, at least not full-time. Alison sighed in relief as she turned back toward the bedroom, stopping when she noticed a black beanie lying on the floor. She picked it up knowing that in all the time she had known Emily, beanies were never part of her style. She struggled to try and figure out where it should go. Alison could drop it back on to the ground, but she determined that leaving it someplace that it might not usually rest would let the new Alison know that she was up against someone who already was attempting to figure her out. Alison reached up into the clothes she had pushed toward the wall, grabbing a random shirt so that she could place the beanie on the inner hook of the hanger.

But as she haphazardly reached, the wording on the sleeve of the t-shirt she pulled caught her eye. Four words. "Rosewood High School Sharks" was stitched into the sleeve. Alison's stomach dropped back into her throat suddenly picturing all of the people she may have known who had traipsed through her home, who maybe more than just sleeping with her wife, knew Alison too. Someone who could have known Emily and Alison's entire history before even stepping foot into their home. Or had they been at their housewarming party months before they had even been married? Had Alison opened the front door welcoming them inside? Had she permitted them to enter without them thinking they needed a key? Maybe they had even laughed together, hugged, and joked as they walked into the foyer. Had the "mi casa es tu casa" welcome mat that used to lay outside their front door been taken literally? Had she been laying the groundwork even then just waiting for her opening?

In a daze, Alison crumpled half-naked and still damp to the ground dreaming up all of the scenarios in which she could potentially know the woman her wife had fallen in love within the 13 months they had been separated. She pulled herself back until she felt the familiarity of a solid wall behind her, Emily's dresses hanging in front of her face. The smell of her wife both comforting and nauseating replaying all the varieties of betrayal manifesting in her mind. Her fist hit the hardwood next to her before she could stop herself as her legs retracted into her chest. Bringing her hands up to her knees, Alison began digging her nails into the skin just behind her kneecaps. Her habit of letting her anger get the best of her physically and emotionally was coming back with a vengeance. It was a pattern that she had left behind in the courtroom and didn't intend on it coming back. Especially not right now.

"Keep it together, Ali. There's no time for you to crumble. You look insane. Get it together. Remember, this is all for Olivia. You can't lose it before you get to be her mom. Pull yourself together." Alison whispered mantras like these repeatedly to herself until she was able to breathe adequately.

She centered herself with motherhood. An ideal and opportunity that had been taken away from her before. They were getting another chance, and no matter how furious Alison was internally, she also felt deep gratitude for how the pieces had fallen into place. No matter how mismatched the overall image it portrayed looked like from the outside in. An initially seven-year sentence reduced to less than two. Once destined for a relationship in which they bonded over her daughter's 1st-grade graduation, Alison could now picture a destiny with her daughter where Olivia never even realized her mother had been missing. Everything else in her world was a distraction. The new ring. The new Alison. Her future supervised release officer. Her wife outside the context of their immediate relationship. It all would take her away from the fact that she had been given the ability to start again. She couldn't jeopardize that.

Willing herself to stand, she walked to the back of the closet looking through the clothes that once represented her. Alison was immediately drawn to the color blue. With the orange from her jumpsuit so permanently ingrained in her memory, she wanted to escape from one side of the color wheel to the other. Something cooling and soothing instead of urgent and ablaze. Colors to match the calm and peace necessary to get through the turmoil filling her household from the ground up. Slipping on an icy wrap dress which allowed her to feel more feminine than she had in years, Alison exhaled at the feel of something other than a cotton blend on her skin.

She placed her hands around her waist, patting down the fabric as she turned to look in the full-length mirror on the back wall. Alison smiled into her reflection and gave her hips a little twirl to watch the ends flair. It had been too long since she was able to ground her personality in her appearance. Jumpsuits were meant to identify you as an object — property of the state. Identity stripped away; inmate your only identifier. That fragmented identity now unrecognizable as she had become so used to being a pawn in a system bigger than herself. She had been dropped off into the real world with a fragment of the voice she had entered with. A scrap of the personality. A fraction of the woman she desired to be. Alison was unable to determine which parts of herself were missing, which aspects needed to be rebuilt with the minimal tools she had taken with her. Tracing her hands over her body, she strategically stopped at the scar marks etched on the skin underneath her clothes. A reminder of the things she had lost before jail had taken them from her.

That's when she heard it. From the baby monitor on their nightstand, Olivia began to babble. Wiping the remnants of tears from her eyes, Alison begrudgingly straightened herself in the mirror before opening the door out into the hallway toward the living room. In attempts to pass off like she hadn't slept curled on the floor all night, Emily scampered to the kitchen at the first realization of Olivia being awake. She pulled an empty cup off the counter and rounded the corner just in time to meet her wife's eyes as she entered the living room.

"Oh, you're ready! I thought that maybe you would've wanted to have a relaxing day, you know? Sleep in a bit?" Emily played off as though she was finishing a glass of water that had never been filled in the first place.

Alison chuckled into her chest at Emily's adorable attempt at appearing as though she hadn't been concerned with Alison's well-being the night before. "No, I've become used to being up early, so I figured that I'd be productive while the door was temporarily blocked."

Emily quickly looked at the ground, tucking hair behind her ear, nervously, "Sorry about that. I guess that… I just… I wanted to make –"

Alison walked around to sit on one of the arms of the couch, "No, it was cute. You're fine." Emily's cheeks immediately reddened as Alison continued, "I know that all of this fucked you up just as much as it did me."

With her wife mere feet yet emotional miles away, Alison couldn't imagine a world where another woman loved Emily as dearly as she did. She couldn't picture a way that someone else would be able to see her smile and remember every joke before it that had led to that exact laugh. She strained to visualize a reality where Emily looked at anyone as though they held her heart in their hands; a delicate nature behind her eyes that screamed dedication. She struggled to see how anyone else's hands could fit against Emily's body as hers did. The way her left hand slipped so easily beneath Emily's ass, raising her leg to adjust the weight of her wife's body on top of her own. How her fingers formed perfectly against the back of Emily's neck, allowing Emily to relax in her grasp as her thumb delicately traced her jaw. She couldn't imagine it because Alison never could comprehend a world without her wife. Without the only person in the world that at one time had made her feel something. Made her feel whole.

As their voices faded, Olivia's voice began getting louder. Alison pointed over her shoulder to the staircase, "So, do you usually let her wail like that?"

"Right, right." Emily shuffled past Alison to rush up the stairs, "One second, Liv! Mom's coming…" She paused, looking over her shoulder back to her wife, "Sorry."

"Please stop apologizing. Please." Alison reassured, extending both hands out in front of her as if to say stop.

Alison could hear Emily's voice rise an octave as she turned the corner into Olivia's bedroom. Now in the light, Alison could physically see every detail and nuance of the room. Not much had changed since she and Emily had fixed it up before Olivia was born. From the duck theme strategically placed throughout, to Alison's mother's old rocking chair set in the corner, to the one off-set blue wall that now appeared out of place, to the decals and photos positioned around the room for decorative appeal. The details they had meticulously planned and kept and reworked were all still there. Emily had let Olivia's room still be theirs. The last thing they had done together.

"Good morning, Squirt!" Emily announced, hearing a squeal in response, "Oh, come here! I missed you!"

Alison watched as her wife twirled in circles around the room as their daughter was covered in kisses. The love that exuded from a seconds-long interaction flooded through Alison as she rested her head against the wall watching from afar. Her giggle. Her toothy grin. Her amazement as she looked at her mom deeply. It was a picture that Alison never knew she needed, but now never wanted to let go of.

Despite not seeing it mere minutes before, Alison immediately realized how simple it would have been for another woman to fall in love with the image of perfection in front of her. How seeing Emily love her daughter so tenderly was bound to cause anyone's heart to crumble. Alison had missed countless opportunities to watch this moment and fall in love with her wife every single day. Someone else had taken advantage of the opportunity and fell in love effortlessly. Loving Emily was the easiest thing Alison had ever done, and loving Emily would be the hardest thing ever to attempt to correct.

Emily lowered her voice to a whisper as they both danced toward the photo of the three of them sitting on the bookshelf, "Livvy? Remember how the past few weeks we've been talking about how even though I'm your Mommy, this is also your Mommy?" Emily asked while pointing to Alison in the photo as Olivia reached toward her blonde-haired mother's profile in wonder while uttering 'Ma-ma' under her breath, "Yeah, and remember how I told you that you were going to get to meet her? How she couldn't wait to love you just as much as I already do?" Emily trailed off, leaning forward to kiss Olivia's cheek before squatting to set her down onto the carpet to walk. "Look." Emily pointed behind their daughter, causing Olivia to look in Alison's direction for the first time.

On instinct, Alison crouched to her daughter's level as her eyes met Olivia's for the first time. Dedicated prolonged eye contact between mother and daughter as the 'ma-ma' she had heard moments earlier was duplicated with a small wave.

"Hi." Alison muttered, tears flooding to her eyes as she waved in reply.

Olivia looked back up confused and concerned at Emily, reaching her hand up to try and grasp back on to her shirt, "Come on, let's show your Mom that you know how to walk."

As Emily and Olivia hobbled toward her, Emily waved her hand, telling Alison to sit against the wall. Once they got closer, Emily sat down as well, putting them all relatively close to the same eye level.

"Hi, beautiful. It's so good to meet you fully." Alison reached forward touching her daughter's cheek, feeling her daughter's skin on hers for the first time.

Olivia looked back and forth at Emily and Alison sitting side by side before pointing to Alison while keeping intense eye contact with Emily, "Sad?"

Emily laughed picking her up to set Olivia on her lap facing Alison, "No, Liv –"

"I'm just delighted to meet you face to face. I've been waiting for this day for a really long time, baby girl. I've been dreaming of the day I could see you for longer than you know. I promise these are happy tears." Alison extended one of the light curls resting on her daughter's face in awe of the perfection sitting before her. "I just can't believe it."

Emily turned Olivia back toward her room, allowing her to walk away to play with the variety of toys and stuffed animals placed around the perimeter. "It's a lot to take in I'm sure." Emily stated, resting her head against the wall.

"You have no idea, Em. She's walking and talking and kind of knows who I am? I've missed so much."

"We can't think like that. There are so many milestones to go, Al. Yeah, these are important, but she can't say sentences yet or play with other people or know how to read. You're here to teach her all those things." They sat in silence as Olivia wobbled around the room, interacting with as many toys as she could find. Emily closed her eyes tightly, allowing her hands to fall at her side, "I get that all of this is crazy right now, Al. We don't need to dissect it all right away, but I do hope that when you meet her, you'll see that –"

"Em, I'm not doing this today. I want to get to know my daughter. I do not give a shit about the ring on your finger right now. Look, I won't lie. I would've loved to come home last night and for us to have been reunited, but it's obviously not how this is going to happen for us. So for now, let me enjoy being with Olivia. We waited a long time for this moment right here; I don't need to you fucking it up by talking about how great the woman who destroyed my family is, alright?"

Despite the harsh words she was speaking, Alison's voice was serene. Emily kept her head turned toward her wife internally wishing that she would face her and see how much Emily was struggling behind her façade. Guilt didn't even begin to cover it. She knew the part she played in all of this. She wasn't naïve to that fact, but she hoped that Alison could somehow find a way past it, even if Emily never could. Even if Emily spent her whole life making up for the circumstances that led them to this moment. The circumstances she was intrinsically linked to forever. All she wanted was for Alison to know she was sorry and deep inside, Emily knew that if she would just look at her, really look at her, that she would feel it too.

But Alison stayed facing forward, unable to acknowledge the hurt beginning to surround her. In front of her was the second woman she had ever dreamed into her life next to her wife. She would be Alison's focus no matter how badly Emily wanted to change the world as she knew it around her.

Hoping to draw Alison's attention back to her, Emily began speaking again, "I did my best the past two months since we found out you were coming home to let her know who you are. I'm so thankful she didn't cry. She usually cries when she meets strang – I mean. Fuck. I didn't mean it how that came out, Ali."

"No, you're right; I am a stranger. It sucks, but you're not wrong." Alison sighed, knowing how bittersweet this moment was for all three of them, "Thank you for doing that, by the way. I doubt she really gets it, but I meant what I said last night. I am here, for whatever you need. I need to make up time, you know. I don't want to fuck it up again. I can't fuck it up again."

"Al, you didn't fuck it up in the first place… it was my fault. You know it was all my fault." Emily's voice trailed as she attempted to connect their lingering hands between them.

Alison crossed her arms over her chest, pulling away from Emily, "We talked about this years ago; you can't use that word. It wasn't anyone's "fault." Fault implies intention, and neither of us ever intended for what happened to occur."

"But Ali –" Emily insisted, reaching toward her wife.

"No. Emily," Alison stood immediately, pushing her away and walking to the door. "I served my time. I reflected on what I did for years. I've soul searched all that I can so that I can be fully myself for our daughter. If you didn't have time to do that while I was away, then I'll be here to try and help you through it, but you're not going to drag me back through determining fault. I was found guilty. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. Okay? You weren't even there, Em. Please let us move past it. Please let me focus on our little girl…"

Both women stared at each other, clearly identifying the fractures in their relationship that started long before Alison was sentenced. Emily met Alison's glassy eyes that pleaded for her to let it go. Alison wanted to move forward, but nothing within Emily was ready. She felt permanently trapped in the July after their wedding. They only had seven months after their marriage before their world had stopped. Alison found a way to move forward. It had been painfully slow, but through the loss and guilt, she found it possible to accept her sentence, to forgive, to focus on what was important now. But Emily was stuck. Every part of her felt as though she had failed. Her actions. Her body. Her words. All fallen to the wayside as her wife's mistakes ballooned larger than hers. But her part in everything was still there, hidden behind the trial, never to be fully accounted for or considered. Emily sobbed, looking into her wife's eyes, knowing that the emptiness left by that day had been filled with a drive that Emily would never be able to reach. Lost in thought, the sound of the doorbell pinged through Emily's mind like a faint whisper.

"I bet that's my mom for breakfast." Emily mumbled. Her legs now against her chest; it wasn't lost on Alison that her wife was assuming the position she had been in an hour prior. Even if they felt light years apart, they were in the same headspace. They had both been broken.

"It's okay, Em. I got it. Breathe and come out of it, okay? I know it's hard." Alison reassured her wife by placing her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Livvy? Want to go and see grandma? I can take you." Alison offered, crouching back to her daughter's level.

Olivia looked back at Emily, who nodded through her tears before Olivia waddled over to clutch her mom's arm, allowing Alison to pick her up and set her on her waist. "Let's go! Grandma will be so happy to see you, sleepy head. I'm sure she's missed you so much since yesterday. I bet it's almost as much as I missed seeing you, and I missed you every second I was gone. You're beautiful. Do you know that? You're lucky to look so much like your mom. She may have to become the second prettiest girl in the world next to you, but we can keep that our secret, okay?"

Alison's voice faded as they got closer to the front door, hearing Olivia squeal as she saw her grandmother on the other side. While their voices dissolved behind her, Emily's sobs became more pronounced. She had been able to put it all behind her while Alison was away. She didn't have to consider how her choices and decisions directly played a role in her wife's sentence. She didn't have to deal with it because months after Alison entered jail, Olivia was born. Her time and focus went to something bigger than herself. But now that Alison was back the pain from those years flooded into Emily's mind. They were inescapable. For as much as Emily wanted to be present. For as much as Emily wanted to feel whole. For as much as she tried to listen to Alison and move on. She still felt stuck.

How could Emily move on when so much of who she was today was cemented in their past? A past she had never forgiven herself for and sure as hell could never forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There you have it! Chapter 3 in the books! Now I know that this chapter was far less meaty than the last, but I did provide quite a few hints and glimpses into some of the twists and turns that occurred in the past. Let me know what sentences, words, phrases, and details stuck out to you! I'm sure you all can find quite a few of them! I hope this helped you all gain a little more insight into how Emily and Alison are both processing everything going on.
> 
> Thank you to all of you who have decide to join this journey! Your words of encouragement mean the world. As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along. Next update will be Thursday! See you then! :)
> 
> -secretpen28


	4. Much To Be Desired

The pit in Alison's stomach became more pronounced as she walked closer to the front door. Even with her daughter's legs wrapped around her waist as her minuscule palm held a fragment of her hair, Alison felt uneasy. The only person Alison had relied on weekly while in jail, who spent time with her detailing every moment of life she was missing, had actively lied to her face. A personal blow the only way to describe it. As much as Alison knew this was also a mischaracterization of the facts, she wondered how many times Pam hesitated over her words in attempts to let her daughter-in-law hear the truth. Why hadn't she prepared her before walking through her front door the day before?

She finished speaking to Olivia as she hit the bottom of the stairs, "She may have to become the second prettiest girl in the world next to you, but we can keep that our secret, okay?"

Alison formally met her daughter less than a half hour before making this statement. It took her all of 30 minutes to be willing to keep a secret on behalf of her daughter. Emily forged an over 30-year relationship with her mother that surely bound any and every secret close to her chest. Deep down, Alison understood that, but she was unable to reconcile her 20-year relationship with her mother-in-law, eight years of which were bonded through Emily and Alison's relationship and marriage.

Her fingers reached for the door, deeply inhaling to shove her disbelief and disappointment further into her chest out of fear that allowing it just to sit would send her uneasiness out into the world at the most inopportune time. Olivia squealed as she squirmed out of Alison's hands toward her grandmother.

"There's my Liv!" she announced, scooping her only grandchild into her arms. "Hey, Ali. Ready for a home-cooked meal?" Pam paused, giving Alison a comforting welcome hug.

Returning the hug, Alison replied, "Oh yes! Thank you for offering to do that for us by the way. I'm sure that Emily really appreciates it. She's upstairs. The day started off a little rocky for her; I'm not sure if she got the best sleep last night."

"No, that's fine." She dismissed walking toward the sofa to bounce Olivia on her lap. "How was your first night back home?"

She opened her mouth behind her mother-in-law intending to retort Pam's idea of "home," but chose to stay peaceful for the time being. "It was okay. You know, just processing everything." Alison sat down on the other end of the couch, giving Pam a knowing look.

"So she told you." Pam made brief eye contact but broke from Alison's intense glare once she recognized the sadness behind her eyes.

"When I think back on it, I don't think she would have told me yesterday if I hadn't noticed the ring. It is a lot to take in. I couldn't get my brain to shut off at all last night."

Emily's mother attempted to distract herself with her granddaughter, adjusting her pajamas to settle her nerves. Pam Fields was never the kind of woman who would intentionally keep damaging news from someone she loved. She strove to be a peacemaker, and everything within this situation had led to her disturbing the peace in her daughter-in-law's home. Of course, it never would have been her choice to keep news of her daughter's engagement from Alison, but there were other balls in play. Pam knew that if Alison had found out in jail, she would lose a part of herself that they may never have been able to get back. She knew that despite all of the anger management and counseling courses, news this earth-shattering may have ripped away from the very core of Alison's being that was keeping her firmly planted on the ground. Alison needed her daughter in front of her to remember everything worth doing the work for. Her motivation right now needed to stem from something outside of herself until she was able to get a grip on the new world around her. At least that's what Emily had convinced her mother of. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely sold on any choices her daughter was making these days, and she certainly did not want to be sitting on the couch watching the heart of someone she held dearly breaking painstakingly slowly in front of her.

"Ali, I wanted to fill you in so many times. I hope you know that… Honestly, I didn't know if it would've been the most productive when Emily wouldn't have answered your call or anything. I couldn't be the middle of this."

"Middle of what, Mom?" Emily asked, attempting to be nonchalant.

Emphasis lingered over her attempt due to the visible cracks in her smile. Her smile appeared forced in a way that was insincere to the peppiness behind her voice. Alison was quite familiar with Emily swallowing an emotion for the sake of others' feelings. Her wife had never been the best at acknowledging anything negative. Emily's father, Wayne, passed away when the girls had still been in high school which, as it would anyone, rocked Emily's world. The family took time to mourn together, allowing Emily to be out of school for a brief period to reconcile the loss of one of her biggest supporters. But Alison could never forget the Thursday she strolled back into school. The charade and masquerade being acted out before her eyes. Ingenuine smiles. Cloaked laughter. Impossible joy. It wasn't until close to a year later when Rosewood High School hosted their annual Father/Daughter Dance for Seniors that Emily broke down. It took all of the girls' strength to carry her up the steps to her second-floor bedroom that night when they found her lying against her father's grave with a nearly empty fifth of vodka by her side. If it hadn't have been for Pam's naïve text to Alison stating how happy she was that her daughter decided to take Alison up on her offer for Jason to be her date, they might have never connected the dots. Both Alison and Hanna had stayed the night while Aria and Spencer spent the twilight hours moving everyone's cars back to their own homes so that the girls could sneak out inconspicuously the next morning before Mrs. Fields woke up.

Her father's military history had been a blessing and curse for the Fields' only child. It had taught her strength, discipline, and the ability to accept change no matter the cost. But it had also told her that her feelings were irrelevant. It didn't matter how much she begged; her father was still deployed. It didn't matter if she didn't care for the new city they were moving to, her feelings didn't push back the moving day. So she stuffed her emotions where no one could see them. She put up a wall that she wanted everyone, especially her mother, to see. But as Emily and Alison became more than just friends, that wall had shifted. Emily grew to trust Alison with her emotions more than Emily believed them herself. She longed to make it home at the end of the day so that Alison could help her carry the burden. It's why Emily's tears hadn't thrown Alison off earlier that morning. Her wife was forever fragile.

Emily walked over to her mother, who was still seated, wrapping her arms around the back of her neck to plant a kiss on her cheek. As her and Alison's eyes met, Alison spoke, "The middle of us, love. She thinks she has to explain why you didn't tell me about the fancy new ring on your finger."

Emily quickly looked at her mom's face before continuing, "Mom, I told you that you never had to discuss this. Alison and I are taking care of it."

"Taking care of it…" Alison begrudgingly mumbled under her breath while Emily walked around to sit on the other couch opposite her mother. "I know you've had a hard morning, Em. But please consider the fact that you put her in the middle of this the moment you stopped coming to see me."

"Alis –"

"I said, consider it. I don't want to talk about it, especially if we are 'taking care of it' without her. Whatever you expect that to mean." Alison stood up to change the topic, "Pam, care to show me what we're cooking this morning?"

As Alison's mother-in-law turned to pass Olivia off to her daughter, Emily's phone rang, "Oh wait, Mom." Alison could tell by the smile across her face that it was her. It was no longer forced. Emily immediately stood walking out of the room while addressing them, "I'll be right back, okay? Sorry."

"Great." Alison rolled her eyes, needing to detract from the sound of Emily's voice now coming from their bedroom; basic conversation dripping with the laughter that only came from the early stages of flirting. "So, Pam, what do we think?" Alison asked while pointing over her shoulder to indicate that she wanted Pam's opinion of this new woman.

"You know, Ali. I hate to say it, but I never ha –"

"I'm going to stop you right there. If you're about to say 'I never have seen her so happy' I will actually vomit, pack my things, and go. There's no way in hell that she, whoever the fuck she is, is worth what we built. There's no way."

"Alison, stop," Pam stated emphatically, reaching out for Alison's upper arm to hold her where she was standing behind the couch as everything within her daughter-in-law was screaming to follow Emily into their bedroom and give both of them a piece of her mind. "I was going to say that I never had thought this is how your relationship would have worked out. Yeah, she's happy; I'm not going to lie to you. But I don't condone what's happening here. I can't even be quite sure that Emily fully knows what's happening here."

Alison sighed, "I was too terrified to ask this last night, but how long has she… you know, been engaged?"

"Less than a month. Everything kind of snowballed once your release date was posted."

"Of course, it was." Alison moved back around to the front of the couch, "Pam, I can't be in the room when Emily comes back in here, seriously. This whole thing is making me physically sick the longer I think about it. When she asks, I took Squirt right here to put on a fresh diaper and get ready for the day. We got sidetracked earlier." Alison reached across Pam's chest to pull Olivia into her arms.

Pam stood, brushing herself off while replying, "Yeah, I'll get started on breakfast. It'll be a bit, so take your time, dear."

As the echo of Alison's steps disappeared up to the second floor, Pam shook her head while walking to the kitchen. She clearly remembered the rapid succession of phone calls she had received less than two months before. First up was Alison calling to let her know with exuberant joy that she was being released just before Christmas on good behavior with supervised release for up to two more years. She could sense the relief in her daughter-in-law's voice that had been absent in every visit before. Alison had increased in maturity during the time she had been in jail and now approached every event as a way to grow in some way. Her sentencing had been a surprise to everyone, and Alison's reaction to it had been less than ideal. She was pleased that Alison's anger had quelled, and her every focus was toward the future of her marriage and relationship with her daughter. It brought tears to Pam's eyes, thinking of the potential of her daughter's life coming back together with such a simple phone call.  
When she called Emily though, she received a hesitated response. Her excitement and relief were audible, but it was mixed with a wavering in her voice. Pam knew who she was seeing, but tried her best not to interfere. She had always seemed nice enough, but Pam never expected to receive a call a few weeks after that first call from Emily informing her that she was engaged. Less than two weeks after discovering Alison was being released. Less than 14 days since Pam heard the wavering. Pam had witnessed every shift in her daughter's demeanor over the years and built up increased concern for whatever this relationship was trying to replace.

In Pam's mind, Emily had always been a reserved child as can be typical with only children. Watching her grow up had been filled with pleasure because of the deeply rooted empathy built within Emily. She cared about each and every person she came into contact with and wanted more than anything to be cared for the same way in return. Throughout Emily's childhood, Pam noted Emily's apprehensiveness around girls her age. Emily had been a tomboy much of her childhood, but the Fields' characterized her affinity for sports and competition to come from the admiration of her father, who put physicality and drive above most anything else in his life. When Emily came out to them the summer before they chose to move to Rosewood, their world halted. They never considered for a moment not accepting their daughter, but deep inside, they could feel the extent of the pain she was bound to face throughout her life. Emily was up for the challenge.

Meeting Hanna, Spencer, Alison, and Aria had been the best thing for Emily's self-esteem throughout her middle and high school years. They were each so individually unique but came together to form a bond that Pam knew couldn't be altered. From what Pam knew, Emily had crushes throughout school that never had amounted to more than a few hidden kisses, but any motivation to find love in high school had been stamped out with the passing of her father. It was her daughter's first heartbreak that sent real devastation pulsing through the entirety of their family. Though Emily had always been quiet, her outlook shifted the moment her father was taken from her. She no longer took direct risks, especially when it came to the potential of her heart being on the line. But she did live every day as if it was her last, taking risks in the world of career and sports. Her place on Villanova's swim team throughout college sent her right into the arena of success that Emily had always pined for. It also sent her right into the arms of Paige McCullers. Her first love. Her second heartbreak. In Paige, Emily found security outside of her family that she never entirely found from her friendships in high school. As much as friends can guide you through painful periods in life, this relationship provided stability that Emily had been craving for years. It led to obsessiveness and dedication that Pam never fully understood, not only because Pam had never been that way in any of her relationships when she was younger, but because she found Paige McCullers to be intolerable. Over the first three years of college, Paige had grown to control almost every aspect of Emily's life from her diet and exercise to when Emily could come home and visit. At the start of Emily's senior year of college, Paige decided to break things off, realizing that Paige could no longer control their relationship once she had graduated, leaving Emily ruined and alone. Emily had forgotten to grow up since starting college and needed the stability of the relationships she had been able to depend on for years beside her as she coped.

That winter break is when Alison made the first move, finally understanding that the time Paige kept Emily from her had only made Alison crave to be closer to her. She watched from afar as Emily lost herself in someone else and knew that what Emily needed the most was someone to help her become the person Alison had seen the first time they met a decade earlier. For one of the first times in Emily's life, she was able to be both independent and dependent on their relationship. Alison allowed her space to pursue her goals while demonstrating that the best way to continue achieving dreams was to dig deeper into what their relationship was becoming.

Alison moved in with Emily outside Philadelphia weeks after college graduation so that Emily could stay at Villanova for a master's degree in Finance. Pam had the privilege of witnessing Emily's growth over the next three years. Turning from someone afraid of risks and progress into someone who desired nothing more than to go further than she dreamed possible. Alison ignited a fire within her daughter that she had never seen previously, and Pam enthusiastically walked her daughter down the aisle when they married the year after Emily finished her degrees.

No one had expected the turn of events that would rip Emily away from the one person in the world that kept her grounded. No one could have seen the wreckage coming toward them. It sunk Emily deeper into the hole she dug during her relationship with Paige. Slowly but surely, Emily realized though that by clinging so desperately to Alison that she was repeating the mistakes she made during her previous relationship leading to their eventual separation. Emily had missed the growth that comes from your late teens. She never had the opportunity to be fully on her own and wanted to take the years Alison was a way to figure out who she was without anyone there supporting her. Emily needed that to be whole again.

Which is why Pam found it odd that Emily found another relationship within a few months of attempting to be alone. Maybe it was a habit. Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe it was something entirely different. But Pam's stomach ached when she thought of someone other than Alison taking care of her daughter. She would give anything to ensure that no one else but Alison took care of Emily ever again.

"Mom? Is something burning in here?" Emily rushed into the kitchen behind Pam, concerned.

Pam's reminiscing dissolved into mayhem in the kitchen around her. Eggs were now stuck to the pan while homemade biscuits were crisping around their edges.

"Oh, so sorry Emmy! I guess I got distracted in here!"

"Okay…" Emily replied with unease, "Do you need me to help with anything?"

"Can you help me salvage those biscuits? Just get a knife or something and scrape the burnt bits off the sides. I don't have time to remake them before Alison comes back down with Liv." She moved her attention back toward the bacon sizzling in a pan as she listened to her daughter sigh behind her. "You okay? How was she?"

"Good, I think. I could tell she was trying to cheer me up, but Alison had a less than stellar response to everything last night."

"But you knew she would." Pam turned behind her, "You knew she would, right?"

"Well yeah, but I had hoped that she would be a little understanding Mom."

"Emily, I think you have a warped sense of reality in this scenario. Your wife didn't even know you were dating someone, and she came home to find a ring on your finger."

"We knew that she would be upset, and she was. It made me feel like utter shit seeing the hopelessness behind her eyes, but that's not all I saw."

"What do you mean, Emmy?"

"Determination. More than pain or anger or sadness, Alison was determined."

From the opposite side of the kitchen, Pam smirked with her back turned to her daughter. She knew Alison was going to fight. No matter how much Alison saved Emily from herself when they started dating, Emily gave Alison just as much stability and consistency.

"That doesn't surprise me." Pam relayed to her daughter while walking to the pantry to grab a small box of cereal that would serve as part of Olivia's breakfast. "Em, you know you need to clean out in here. I told you last week."

Emily followed behind her mom, attempting to close the door entirely, "Mom, I don't know how many times I have to tell you. Alison does not have a problem with alcohol. I had a vodka tonic in front of her last night, and she didn't even flinch. She never has."

Knowing it was a losing battle, Pam went back to putting everything on plates, "You know the courts won't see it that way given her history. She has supervised release, which means that someone is going to be coming over here to observe her living arrangements and ensuring that this environment will support her during her release. If they find vodka and beer casually stashed in a pantry, she could go back to jail."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. We'll get rid of it." Changing the topic, Emily walked around to the open living room, "Al? Breakfast is ready!"

Over the past 15 or so minutes, Alison had been frantically and ecstatically diving into being a mom. Her many years of babysitting made changing her daughter's diaper come second nature, and they had bobbed around the room, looking at all Olivia's clothing to put her into something cuter than pajamas for breakfast. Alison laid out a small dress for later in the day, not wanting spit up from breakfast to make its way onto something so adorable. She opted for a teal polka dot onesie that was cuter than nightclothes but didn't fully step up to the level of going out. Preparing outfits came second nature to Alison who before serving time, dedicated hours of her day getting ready. It was a time-consuming habit that Alison picked up from her mother who feared that the impressions people make of you would carry over into every aspect of your life. In jail, Alison quickly figured out that those impressions didn't come solely from appearance, but mainly through actions, and as time had passed, Alison became less and less attached to the details that appearance provided. Her daughter would grow up without a self-obsessed, materialistic mother. But that didn't mean she couldn't spoil her in multiple outfits a day.

After changing her, Alison set her daughter down to explore again. She realized that Olivia's favorite toy was a small kitchen in the corner of her room. Alison carried a delicate finger over all of the collectibles lying on Olivia's shelves when she heard a soft voice behind her.

"Pay. Pay." Olivia exclaimed from the corner. When Alison turned around to face her daughter, she saw Olivia reaching out her hand with a plastic egg in it, piecing together that her daughter's words meant that she wanted to play.

"Oh? Are we making breakfast for Mommy this morning?" Alison asked, garnering a nod in return. She crawled across the floor to the corner, continuing to speak, "What all are we making this morning, Squirt?"

Perched precariously on her toes, Olivia pointed to different pots and pans as she attempted to make a small bread replica fit inside.

"Look, Livvy. This is bread, and you can cook it in the toaster, which you don't have, but Mom can work on getting for you. Or, you can place it in the oven, right down here. Want to open the door for me?"

She watched Olivia open the door and set the bread inside before closing it, "All gone!" Olivia squealed, clapping her hands together to show the bread was missing.

"Yes! All gone. Wow, aren't you the smartest young woman around?"

Their playtime continued for a few minutes as Olivia used a whisk to stir something in a little bowl and moved from place to place in her corner creating. Alison sat back against her daughter's crib in amazement. The last she saw of Olivia, she could barely open her eyes to make meaningful eye contact, and here she was mobile. She already could share and had definitely spent time with Emily baking based on her whisking skills. Olivia was more than Alison could have ever hoped for, and she was eternally grateful that Alison was the woman Emily Fields had chosen to marry. Their daughter was that of perfection, and Alison couldn't wait to spend every moment of her day with Olivia by her side.

A few moments later, Olivia grabbed Alison's hand to bring her back to the small serving area. She watched as Olivia began pointing at the plates with various plastic models lying on top. "Mommy."

"It was so kind of you to make a plate for your Mommy. She's going to be so happy."

"Gamma," she pointed to the plate next to it, smiling before looking up at her mom to continue saying what Alison had expected to be 'Mama.' It came out a little congested though, so Alison spoke to clarify.

"This one's for mama?"

"No. For –"

That time the labeling was as clear as day, and Alison's mind went blank. Scooping up her daughter rapidly, Alison descended the staircase, plastic plate in hand, turning the corner just as Emily finished calling her name.

"Ali? Breakfast is ready!"

Alison laughed coming face to face with her wife, "That's great! Did we make a plate for your high school girlfriend, by chance? Because our daughter sure just did!"  
With that, Alison placed Olivia in her highchair, swiftly made a 180-degree turn, threw the plate with fake bread on it straight into her wife's chest, and walked right out the front door. There were a lot of people Alison had considered from high school that Emily could have been seeing, but she never considered that the name coming out of her daughter's mouth would the name of someone she would forever despise. A name that sounded so much like 'mama' that Alison wondered if Olivia had even been taught to say it all, or was taught a variation of the woman's name that had been more involved in her life than even Alison had instead.

Alison stopped steps out the front door before it hit her that walking away would make the situation worse. She had to calm down. Placing a grimace onto her face, Alison exhaled before pivoting back to open the door again, muttering under her breath.

"Fucking Maya St. Germain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the props in the world to EmisonIsEndgame for using their best inferencing skills to deduce the other woman in Chapter 2... I mean, I was the one who tagged Maya in story from the jump, but still. It made me actually lol. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! I love hearing for you guys and love responding to your personal messages as well :) See you all Sunday! 
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	5. Help Wanted

"What do you mean she's engaged to Maya?" the passengers in the car with Alison exclaimed while trying to rationalize the series of events that had taken place over the past 24 hours she was relaying to them.

"Guys, I can't give you any more detail than that! I was about to walk out the door and then realized I didn't have my phone on me, so I went back inside and reached out to you guys. There was no way I could talk to her after all that."

Everything within Alison wanted to scream as she reentered her home if she could even call it that anymore. No part of her life was in her control. She felt it all disappearing faster than she knew how to contain it. All of the certainty she held less than a day before had fallen away and been replaced with people and scenarios she no longer recognized. What was happening around her? Who had her wife become? Who even was she?

Reaching into the bowl of keys behind the main couch in the living room, Alison hesitated over the decorative purple-stained key chain Emily had thoughtfully given her as a gift on one of their inconsequential anniversaries. Emily continued trying to explain who Maya was to her mother on the other side of the wall as it was now apparent to Alison that Pam had no clue that Maya was her girlfriend in high school, while Alison rolled her eyes to text for help. Walking could only get her so far. She didn't even know if she could drive, or if this turn of events would send her straight into a panic attack all on its own. So she needed assistance. For the first time in years, Alison knew that more than anything, she needed help.

"Ar, your positive that you had no idea this was going on, right?" Alison asked up to the front seat, interrupting her train of thought.

The raven-haired green-eyed girl turned around to face Alison, "I live across the country, and I promise you I didn't hear anything. Not even from Hanna, strangely enough." Alison sighed at Aria's words, "It makes sense though, Al. They know where my loyalties would lie."

Aria faced back forward, keeping her grasp on Jason DiLaurentis' hand. She planted a firm kiss above his wrist as Jason smiled back toward her. Neither wanting a big ceremony due to their own parents' marriage problems, Jason and Aria DiLaurentis opted for a courthouse wedding in California less than four months earlier though they had been together almost as long as Alison and Emily. The two reconnected during the graduation parties of all of the girls the summer after college and found themselves to be inseparable. Alison willingly nudged the two together, especially since Alison had been privy to her now sister-in-law's long-term crush on her brother throughout high school.

"Thanks for being willing to take me out today. I know that this wasn't planned to happen until this weekend."

Aria let go of her husband's hand to reach back connecting hands with Alison, smiling to her reassuringly, "We just pushed back lunch with my parents to tomorrow. I think they were secretly relieved that they could go another day without interacting, so you've saved us all."

The best thing about gaining Aria as a family member was her consistency to spin any scenario. She had always been one of Alison's favorite people to confide in because she never came into a conversation with bias. She was as impartial as she was attentive. It was a characteristic Aria had carried with her through their entire friendship. Even through Spencer and Alison's constant bickering in high school, Aria could always find a way to be on both sides, see multiple perspectives, and be a support system most of all. Alison was still unable to trace if Aria's attentiveness came from their lengthy friendship or if now being bonded as sisters impacted the explicit care Aria treated her with.

Aria kept her eyes forward while continuing to hold her friend's hand, "Jase? Make sure you turn before you get to the light at the end of the street, please."

"Huh?" Jason snapped his head toward his wife before understanding the reasoning for her prodding, "Oh, right. Yeah, I'll go around to get to the Main Square. Good catch."

Aria rubbed Alison's hand as they continued through the back streets of Rosewood to reach their destination. As much as Alison would have loved to correct her best friend and grant permission for them to continue down the main road to the three-way intersection ahead, she already had processed the fact that corners of the world around her were growing blurry just driving down this street. Looking out the front windshield, she could already see Rosewood Community Hospital outlined on the northeast corner in the distance. Chills rolled down her spine as she looked out the side window instead hoping the change in scenery would block the trauma out of her brain as well. Alison's world altered at that intersection, and as long as that hospital remained on the corner, her anxiety would stay. Ever-present. Even if a majority of the time, it fell to the recesses of her brain. The car fell to silence as the three passengers allowed the complexities of the events that occurred close to three and a half years ago to resettle in their minds. All of them had escaped Rosewood one way or another following everything that happened and reliving the past was none of their goals.

Sitting down in the restaurant, Jason broke the silence, "You both are going to have to fill me in. I understand why we're upset about the engagement. I'm pissed off I even sat in a room with her yesterday. I didn't even know that I should have given her a piece of my mind. But Maya? Why does that make it worse?" Aria scoffed, "What, babe? I graduated; I don't even know who this girl is."

"Nor should you. Her name is undeserving of being known." Aria replied as Alison continued to stare out the front window of the restaurant in disbelief.

"Damn. That bad?"

"I mean, it's not that she's bad. Her actions in high school just left a bad taste in everyone's mouth."

"Bullshit. Jason, I know you love her, but your wife is sugarcoating the insanity storm that was Maya St. Germain. She was a terrible girlfriend for Emily, and you know it, Aria."

"If you could even call her a girlfriend…" Aria muttered across the table.

"She was a manipulative bitch. End of story."

"Is there a remote chance she's changed? Hell, you weren't an image of perfection back in high school either, sis."

Aria smacked Jason's shoulder with the back of her hand as she replied, "No, Jase. This was different. It was… I don't know how to describe it."

"It made me feel insane, and I didn't have to deal with the day to day bullshit."

In the memories Alison and Aria had of Maya St. Germain, insanity was a mild way to characterize her behavior. Emily and Maya met over the summer before sophomore year. Though all of the girls noticed Emily pulling away from them that summer, no one made the connection that it was due to another girl until they came back to school that fall. Emily has been and always will be known for being obsessive. She puts a severe intensity into anything she deems worth doing whether that be swimming, school work, or in this case, relationships. The girls had debated about Emily's sexuality when she wasn't around for a while. They noticed the way her eyes paused over female bodies at swim meets and how she never had meaningful contributions when discussing their latest celebrity crush. But no one had the gumption to ask her directly. Though never implicitly discussed, watching her walk through the walls of Rosewood High after the summer break, all of the girls had no questions about where Emily stood in her sexuality. Their laced hands and incessant giggling as they approached the table were enough for Aria, Hanna, Spencer, and Alison to immediately know where Emily's dedication would lie that school year.

"What sticks out to me the most, Ar, is that she didn't even introduce herself to us. I know that's small and probably petty, but before she even knew us, Maya carried herself as if we were beneath her. As if we should have already known who she was without pretense."

Shivers ran down Aria's spine as she continued, "I think I was so in shock that I never even noticed that. Remember all the unexplained rules?"

Alison could never forget. A few months into the school year, Emily walked through the front door in tears. Inconsolable, it took over 20 minutes for the girls to coax out of her what Emily was crying about. Apparently, she and Maya had broken up due to a texting rule that Emily hadn't known about. Alison remembered her repeating the sentence, 'If she had told me I only had 15 minutes to reply, I would have.' and it haunted Alison's thoughts for years after.

"Emily didn't text back in the 'right amount' of time, so she broke up with her?" Jason tried to clarify.

"From what we know, yeah," Aria replied, "And that was only one of the times Maya broke up with her because she didn't follow something that Emily wasn't even aware of. Emily walked on pins and needles for over a year in that relationship, and we all stood back and watched."

"What do you mean? You didn't try to get her out of it?"

"Of course, we did Jason, but you can only tell someone that they deserve better so many times before you realize that it's not going to help the situation. Emily grew to resent us; she hated that we couldn't accept Maya for who she was and respect their relationship. It made me feel gross."

"Why gross?"

Alison put her head in her hands, realizing that tears were beginning to swell. "Because it all felt rehearsed. You know, phrases like 'respect our relationship' and 'Maya is who she is' aren't typically said ten times during a conversation. It felt like a speech being regurgitated to us over and over again."

That's when it hit her.

"Fuck. Last night when we were talking about it, the first thing Emily said to me felt wrong. She said something like 'We're separated, Al. I don't have to tell you anything.' And I immediately felt like they weren't her words. I told myself that she had practiced that phrase, and I didn't make the connection. It was right in front of me, and I shoved it down just like I did in high school."

"Alison, there's no way you could have known. None of us did." Aria attempted to console her, reaching across the table to hold Alison's hand.

"I mean, we haven't talked to Hanna or Spencer yet so I wouldn't be so sure…" Alison's voice faded thinking of the potential that her closest friends had been through the same scenario in high school, but would still keep Emily's secretive relationship from her.

"Let's not go down that rabbit hole, guys." Jason interrupted Alison's train of thought, "So Olivia really knew her name, Al?"

"Yeah, she said it clear as day. Well, first it sounded like 'mama,' but Emily told me last night that Olivia had been around whoever it was. I didn't know it was Maya, you know. That's why Em wouldn't tell me her name; she knows how I feel about Maya, even before all the bullshit surrounding how she broke up with Emily."

"It was so long ago that I don't remember." Aria questioned, "Ali, did they break up before or after…? You know."

"During. One of the many grudges I hold against Maya."

A pause fell over the group as Alison and Aria continued eating their lunch while Jason looked back and forth between them wondering who would continue the conversation. He watched their faces in contemplation, trying to figure out how or if they could move forward.

"Hello? Earth to my wife and sister? You can't just hold out like that. I didn't live this story!"

Alison snapped her head back toward her brother in a daze, "Yeah, right. Sorry, Jason. It's a lot to process again. It's not every day that one of your best friends loses a parent. We all were put through the wringer. Emily more so, of course."

Jason wrapped his arm around Aria's shoulder to squeeze her closer to him. Though she relayed the story to him early in their relationship, he typically failed to keep it in the forefront of his mind because Emily's father passed over a decade ago. "You guys stayed with her at the hospital every night, right?"

"I mean, we took turns. Hanna and Ali stayed twice a week. Spence and I once a week. His stroke kept him in there for a few months, so we got the system down pretty quickly."

"But Maya didn't quite care for all of Emily's energy going to someone other than her."

"So she broke up with Emily while her dad was still in the hospital? What an ass." Feeling her anger starting to rise at reliving Emily's heartbreak, Alison quickly stood up and left the table to pace outside. "Did I say something wrong?" Jason turned to ask his wife.

"No, babe, not at all. Alison had quite a few unpleasant conversations with Maya during that time about everything, but it never changed anything. It's hard for her to talk about, you know? I'm sure that she and Emily have talked through everything that happened between the three of them during that time multiple times throughout their relationship, so it's probably gut-wrenching to see Emily forgive her despite how badly Maya hurt her back then."

"I can only imagine." Jason's words faded for a moment while he phrased his next thought, "And everything happening now, Alison doesn't deserve any of this. I don't get it, Ar, why isn't she more upset at Emily? In general? All of this is her fault. Nothing would've happened that day if it wasn't for her having –"

"Jase, I'm stopping you right there because you'll end up pissing me off. I know Alison is your sister, but I'm not going to sit here and let you blame Emily for Alison going to jail. We all know it was a series of inadvertent errors and events. No one could've lined up that day how it happened. Emily went through as much trauma or more than Alison that day, so don't you dare sit here and try to –"

By the time Alison reentered the restaurant, she found her sister-in-law with tears forming in the corners of her eyes, while beginning to stand up from the table. She had no idea what her bone-headed brother had attempted to stir up, but Aria was crumbling before her eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey," Alison rushed over to place an arm across Aria's chest before guiding her back to her seat, looking over her shoulder to glare at her older brother, "It's okay, Ar. We all have relived that day enough, okay? You don't need to fight for any part of it; it's solved." Alison crouched down beside her best friend so they could be at eye level, "I paid my dues, Aria. Emily and I are still dealing with the residual demons, but don't let Jason's emotions while trying to protect me right now affect anything."

Alison stood to usher herself back to her seat as Jason attempted to speak to console his wife. "Nope. Not another word about it. I only heard the end of what Aria was saying, Jason, but if you ever try to place blame on my wife for anything other than this engagement fiasco ever again, you'll be dealing with far more than my harsh words. I may be pissed at Emily right now, but I also won't hesitate to kick your ass for saying her name in vain about everything that happened. Don't be an asshole."

"Ali –"

"No. The end. We're not talking about it."

The group sat in silence as their eyes paced back and forth between them. It wasn't lost on them that the events from three and a half years ago had fractured more than just Emily and Alison. Every single person in their lives had felt the aftershocks of the two coinciding events of July 2015. Blame exists within every tragedy, but if fault became the focus, no one in their lives would have ever been able to move on. It would permeate every thought until no one would be able to escape it.

"Look, I'm sorry." Jason started, "I know it's not my place, and Aria, I'm so sorry for suggesting anything about Emily. I'm upset that my sister went to jail and came back to this shitstorm. Of course, it's not Emily fault, but –"

"What the fuck did I just finish telling you, Jason?" Alison retorted, hearing her voice give way mid-sentence.

"Al, you know that I'm not saying that Em…" Jason quickly stopped talking as soon as his eyes met his sister's.

Alison waved her hand in front of her face to detract from the tears in her eye, "Please don't talk about it. Please. I can't do it. I haven't had to think about it since I came home, Jase. I asked you to stop."

Aria looked at Jason severely before consoling Alison, "I know it's hard, sweetie. I'm sure that you and Emily have discussed it, but I think Jason is concerned because we never have. The trial kind of overtook everything, and we didn't process your loss with you both."

"I haven't talked about it since the trial, and I'd prefer if we kept it that way."

"Okay, have you talked to Emily about everything since you've been home?" Aria asked.

"Yeah, this morning. She can't even talk about it without crying either. I just let her process it while I went to go answer the door for Pam."

Aria interrupted, "Him…"

"What?" Alison snapped her head up to face her friend.

"You keep saying 'it.' There's no need to distance yourself from him, Alison. It's okay."

Alison furiously shook her head, trying to snap out of July 15, 2015. Of course, it wasn't okay. The catalyst of everything shook her to her core. They had tried. For so long. For it to even happen. And now, to forget it altogether.

Through her desperate tears, she attempted to continue, "I have to be strong, Ar. Emily went through more than me. I processed it."

"Al, you're doing it again."

"What do you want from me, Aria? Fuck!" Alison screamed, walking swiftly out of the restaurant. Aria followed after her as Jason scrambled to pay the bill.

"Alison!" Aria exclaimed once she was able to grab ahold of her friend's forearm. Along with Aria's ability to remain impartial, she also never let trauma go left unsaid. She sensed Alison's pain long before Alison knew it was bubbling inside her. Processing the future meant processing the past as much as Alison didn't want to face it.

Spinning around, Alison seethed as she replied to her sister-in-law, "What? Your husband's the one that started it. Go fucking bring it up with him. He's the fucker who tried to imply that all of this bullshit is because of my wife! I was the one that wasn't at home! I was the one that started the argument before I left to run errands! I'm the one that constantly stressed her out!"

"Come here…" Aria reached forward wrapping Alison in her arms as Alison's fists remained closed by her side, her knees collapsing toward the sidewalk. "It's okay, Al. Tell me about it." She consoled her friend, running her fingers through her hair, as Alison's words pierced through her sobs.

"I wasn't there. She passed out, and I wasn't there. She passed out; I wasn't there, and we lost him. Fuck, we lost him."

Jason sprinted out of the restaurant to find his wife and sister in a puddle on the sidewalk. Alison wailing as Aria attempted to hold her still. The rock of a sister he had grown up with was a fragment of herself on the concrete. He had watched her lose it during the trial. He had watched as she became a shell of the person he knew as her sentence was read, but he was slowly piecing together that she lost herself the moment she received the phone call from Emily that sent her rushing toward the hospital. That phone call made her lose a part of herself that she would never get back long before everything else that happened even though it was mere minutes apart. As he wrapped his arms around his sister's left side, he could only faintly hear her repeating the same sentences over and over again.

"She was pregnant, and we lost him. We lost Liam. We lost our son."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When I first posted this, I had one person message me guessing that Emily had a miscarriage based on a line from near the end of chapter 3. "Every part of [Emily] felt like it had failed. Her actions. Her body. Her words." So excellent catch! There are little phrases like that to give clues throughout every chapter, so feel free to make your guesses known. Every word is intentional. :) Also a PSA that in the future, there will be a chapter that goes into more detail regarding her miscarriage, but I will provide a warning for anyone who may want to skip over.
> 
> I also love all the people commenting that they're happy that Alison is one fighting for the relationship in this story. I had a big partiality to Alison throughout the series, so writing her as strong, but also in need of love that she's willing to fight for has always resonated with me more than Emily fighting for Alison while Alison continually screws up. Alison deserves some love too, you know? That doesn't mean she is innocent in this story by any means. I mean, she did get herself thrown into jail somehow.
> 
> Hopefully this chapter gives you all more insight into Emily's pain, though it does not dismiss her from the craziness she created while Alison was in jail. It also introduced you to Jaria and sorry not sorry if you are an Ezria fan! Their actual coupleness isn't too on the forefront in this story, it's just a way to bring other characters into the fold of Alison's life. It also gave you insight into one of the events of July 15, 2015.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Read it a few times to pick up all the nuances because as I said, there is a lot packed in here. Anyways, as always: Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along. Thank you for all of the continued support.
> 
> See you all next time,
> 
> secretpen28


	6. Need I Say More

**A/N: There will be a *warning* near the end of the chapter due to descriptions of the IVF process/needles and alluding to some of the trauma that comes along with having a miscarriage. A more explicit chapter is coming and will have a heavier warning behind it.**

* * *

For Jason DiLaurentis protecting his little sister would always come first. He could never forget the day his father brought him into his mother's recovery room to see her. Even with her eyes closed and peach fuzz covering her scalp, Jason knew Alison would protect him just a fiercely as he instantly desired to protect her. They needed protection. They needed a victor by their side to fight battles big or small. They needed someone else there when everything fell apart.

The six-year age gap had been their plans' biggest fault. Alison could never consider the turmoil surrounding him the years before she was born, and similarly, Jason was unable to foresee the decimation that took place the six years she had to live alone at home when he moved away for college. Depending on the way it was looked at, it was either extremely fortunate or exceedingly unfortunate that the DiLaurentis Family Decimation only took two years to occur from the time Jason moved across the country. Left in the wreckage of a messy, years-long divorce and a steadfast promise to never speak to either of her parents again, Alison lived at home in silence among her alcoholic mother the last year and a half of high school. As much as she hated to admit it, the start of Emily's dad's hospitalization was a welcomed interruption and a standing excuse to be at home as little as possible until graduation.

Upon moving to Boston, Alison quickly began renting an apartment with her brother, who at the end of his own college career, took the gutsy step of moving back to the east coast simply to watch over the last remaining person in his life that he deemed to be family at all. Senior year of high school had proven to be hellacious for Alison and having someone around her a majority of the time to keep her on track proved to be the best thing that happened to Alison in years. Over the next 3 years, Jason and Alison found their rhythm as adult siblings. They discovered how their emotional ticks from childhood had manifested into inane habits and even worse coping skills. But they also formed a bond that grew to be unbreakable as they aged.

For an extended time, Jason was the only person in Alison's life that knew she was gay. He watched as his sister stumbled through the door one night after her first drunken kiss with a girl in her Psychology class. He sat patiently on their couch as she relayed each moment, falling into his shoulder while she giddily giggled at the outcome of what was meant to be a casual night out. Jason hadn't had the opportunity to watch her go on dates during high school, but he could sense as much as his sister could that kiss was defining.

It was a moment more defined after she reconnected with Emily Fields. When he found out all four of his sister's high school friends were coming to visit, Jason beelined for the airport, both to escape the drama and to give them more room to spread out in their tiny two-bedroom apartment. The Alison he returned home to was so much more than the sister he left behind three days earlier. She appeared fulfilled. She carried herself with poise. And most noticeably, she smiled again.

It was the same toothy grin Jason witnessed when he tickled her in her crib.

It was the same twinkle Jason experienced as Alison watched her brother graduate from high school.

It was the same smirk she beamed into his shoulder after that first late-night kiss.

And her smile continued. Once a feature that Alison was unable to find through her family's sorrow, Alison's smile soon became an irreplaceable fixture because Emily drew it out of her. Emily captured a light within Alison that Jason had once only ever dreamed of being able to help his sister find. For that, he was so grateful. For that, he owed Emily everything.

Or so he thought.

Sitting on the sidewalk in the middle of Rosewood's Main Square on a Friday afternoon as his sister's once permanent smile had melted into an inconsolable puddle, he reconsidered everything. As much as he knew Emily wasn't at fault, she wasn't here to help her either. The only person Alison needed at this moment was her wife, and since his sister's return the day before, Emily had gone the extra mile to distance herself from that title. The title she promised his sister. The title she promised their friends and family. The title she promised him.

Jason glanced up from where his face was tucked into his sister's shoulder toward his wife. Their subtle eye contact was enough to communicate the need to get Alison back home. As his wife began attempting to coax Alison to her feet, he was reminded of every reason Aria made him jump feet first.

Until he reconnected with Aria Montgomery after their college graduation, Jason DiLaurentis had determined that he was never meant to fall in love. Sure, he had dated; he had dated plenty. But growing up with parents like his would make anyone question if extending trust if sharing yourself fully if falling in love was ever worth it. In Aria, he found that the answer was a resounding 'yes.' She instilled within in him a calm that he had never felt. She carried the ability to ground and support anyone she was with, and he envied that in her. But as they caught up at that backyard barbeque and discovered that they were about to live in the same city across the country, Jason also saw her weaknesses on full display. She consistently wavered between fragile and self-assured depending on her audience. She raised herself from Hastings' pool with one arm across her stomach, covering the perfection Jason noticed beneath. She struggled to make it through a full conversation with him because of her concern from the looks of others. Despite Aria's ability to make others feel invincible, she had never extended the same gratitude to herself. Her parent's divorce had manifested into her own disdain and insecurity, and Jason knew that no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't be the one to save her if she wasn't willing to save herself.

Jason helped Aria move into her Los Angeles apartment later that summer, and as they caught up over a bottle of wine, she candidly asked him out on a date to thank him for his help. He earnestly declined, taking the opportunity arising in the numbness spreading through his body from the wine to continue to tell her exactly why. And as if it had occurred only hours earlier, Jason guided Aria back through the barbeque. He noted all the times she criticized her appearance. He recounted the number of compliments he gave her that had been shot down. He cataloged the moments she smiled and compared them to the overwhelming number of times she frowned. He explained to Aria that he already saw something within her that he had never found in anyone else. But candidly told her that until she could see the same thing, he couldn't indulge her. So they parted ways that night as just friends who failed to reach out to each other again.

That is until Aria called Jason up almost 8 months later. Though he would never admit it, Jason may have fallen in love with her during that first phone call. Sitting on a bench because his knees went weak, he could hear the difference in Aria's voice. He asked her out on a date for that same night, and they hadn't gone more than three nights without the other by their side since.

He called it luck. She called it fate. Alison called it inevitable.

Inevitable that Aria would be the woman by his side, helping his sister through her grief. Inevitable that through it all, he would go through his childhood ten-fold if he knew that Aria would still be by his side tomorrow morning. Which is precisely why they needed to get Alison back to Emily. He knew that the same was true for her, that her wife made Alison work daily to be all she could be, no matter how defeated or how upset. It may have destroyed Jason on that sidewalk, but Jason was no longer her only victor. He was no longer her only protector. He no longer knew her better than anyone else.

Emily received a heads-up text from Aria less than ten minutes before they came back to the house. After talking her mom down, she convinced Pam to take their daughter for the afternoon so that Emily could speak to her wife alone. So that maybe Alison could process everything before she and Maya came face to face again. It took Emily 12 phone calls and 18 text messages to realize that Alison's phone was on silent by the front door. Unclear if it was left behind purposefully or if Alison had become accustomed to not having anything on her, Emily was left to pace until the DiLaurentis' returned home.

The sinking feeling in her chest became more exacerbated as Emily opened to door to find Jason on the other side. Alison was placed behind him, Aria's arms wrapped around her waist as Alison slowly walked inside. The remnants of tears were still left on her cheeks. Alison couldn't even bear to look up at Emily for fear that she would collapse all over again.

"Al, are you okay? What happened?" Emily panicked. "Was it a panic attack? Did you drive her past the intersection? Jason, what the fuck?"

Aria interrupted before Jason could reply, "We can get to that, okay? Right now, I just need to know where she is staying. Where does she sleep?"

"I mean, last night she slept in our – well, in the master."

"Nope." Alison tersely replied as she began guiding Aria toward the staircase.

Emily paced toward them, nervously, "Yeah. Right. Okay, the room next to Liv's is free."

Both Alison and Aria glanced over their shoulder, making eye contact with Emily. Alison appeared empty, devoid of any emotions concerning her wife. Alternatively, Aria looked filled with every little emotion Alison could possibly feel: grief, anger, betrayal. She whispered 'Thank you' as she continued up the stairs with Alison.

Jason's sudden placement of his palm on her right shoulder as the room fell to a pause caused Emily to jump, "We need to talk, Emily."

She turned with her hands outstretched in defense in front of her, "Jason, let me explain."

"No, sit." He ordered harshly, pointing to the couch. The command reminded her of her father and sent her straight into compliance mode. She shuffled quickly to sit before turning back to him as he now was casually sitting next to her.

"She's just not thinking straight right now, Jason. If you would let me talk to her, I could help. I could explain everything and –"

"I need you to stop talking." He scoffed in reply, "You can't help but think that this is about you and that fucking ring on your finger. If you really want to discuss this 'engagement,' you can ask me out to dinner at a later date." His eyes grew cold in front of her as he dropped his voice to a harsh whisper, "I'll relish in you sitting in front of me trying to re-explain the speech you gave me months before you were engaged about how much you loved my sister. Your dedication. Your loyalty. I don't want to hear anything from you about that now because I will turn your fucking life upside down before you know it. This has shit to do with your engagement. Do you understand?"

Emily gulped while nodding in reply.

"I wouldn't have even fucking brought her back here if I didn't think you would be the best person for her to be with right now."

Emily looked desperately up the stairs, "Wait, she needs me?" She started to stand before Jason placed his hand back on his sister-in-law's knee.

"Please, let me talk. As much as looking at you makes me want to recoil right now, she never talked to us about what happened that day, Em. She held it all back because the charges and the trial kind of overtook everything. But at lunch – wait. I fucked up the order. Can I go back?"

Emily hesitated at Jason's hand, resting on her forearm. She could feel that he had been shaken. He had come prepared with a script to get through whatever he was dealing with in one piece. For the first time since they had walked in, Emily noticed the red veins irritated in his eyes along with the skin against the edge of his thumb that he was picking away with his finger. As much as Alison had been screwed up over lunch, Jason had been affected too.

"Yeah, of course. Whatever you need…" Emily's voice drifted, realizing that this conversation had very little to do with her and everything to do with her wife.

"I need to apologize to you. At lunch, I was pretty harsh toward you in regards to everything that led to Alison's, uh, incident that July."

"Me?"

"Yeah, it was misplaced anger, and don't worry, both Alison and my wife put me in my place. Even if it might not be for much longer, I promised to you when you married my sister that you were becoming a part of my family, as well. I didn't honor that. Anyways, she gave Aria and I a lot of clarification because she didn't talk to us much about everything other than the trial back then. And I wanted to know if you guys ever talked about everything else before she went away?"

"Of course we did, Jason. It consumed me."

"But that's my point, Em. When you talked about it, about losing him… did you discuss it consuming her?"

Emily crossed her arms over her chest in discomfort, "She didn't want to. She felt that everything was already focused on her that she wanted to make sure I was processing it. I mean, she even told me this morning that she wanted us to move past it."

"That might be true, but she lost it in the middle of Main Street today. Aria and I are going to go whenever she gets Alison settled, but you need to talk to her. Not about Maya. Not about your engagement. Not about Alison in jail."

Emily's voice cracked as she replied, "But about Liam… What if I'm not ready to talk about him either?"

"Then you'll get through it together. Just like you always have." Jason stood, shaking out his sweaty palms as he walked toward the stairs. "I'm going to go check on them. Want to come with?"

Turning the corner into the guestroom, Emily found her wife with her head in her hands on the edge of the bed. Aria walked out of the adjoining bathroom with a glass of water in hand before setting it on the side table.

"Is she almost settled?" Jason asked, placing his hand on his sister's shoulder.

"Yep. I told her that you were talking to Emily…" Aria sat down next to Alison on the bed before whispering to her and placing a kiss on her temple, "Love you."

Jason followed suit as Aria made her way for the bedroom door, "Thank you for bringing her back." Emily lamented, gently placing her hand on her friend's arm.

Though she smiled back at Emily, Aria's words were more severe than she anticipated, "I did it for her, Emily. Also, outside of all of this, she deserved better from you. She deserved to know; we all did."

"I know, but I –"

"Just tell me this, do Hanna and Spencer know?"

"I mean, not everything. I didn't want Han to know about the engagement before Alison did."

"Wow. So happy you considered Hanna's feelings in all of this. A word from the wise? You need to tell them in person because finding out through this one felt like a shot in the heart." Aria muttered before walking past her out the door.

"Ar?"

"See you soon, Em. Love you both."

Emily waited to hear the door slam at the bottom of the staircase before making her way through the door. "Do you mind if I come in?" she asked, knocking gently against one of the walls.

"Sure, babe." Alison replied, tapping the spot next to her to sit. "I'm sorry about all this, you know. Jason inadvertently got the ball rolling at lunch, and I had avoided thinking about it long enough that I broke down."

"I understand that. He apologized downstairs for saying some things at lunch that he shouldn't have said. He didn't go into specifics, but I was more concerned with how you were doing." Emily consoled, wrapping her wife's hand in hers.

"I'm happy he didn't because I'm pretty sure I threatened to kick his ass in public for trying to put any blame on you." Alison chuckled as she leaned her head onto Emily's shoulder.

"I wouldn't have put it past you, Al. Thank you. You didn't have to stick up for me, especially after all this shit I'm putting you through."

"There are three separate scenarios at play here. I can be irate for you somehow being engaged, and yet still love you through everything else. I'm not a 16 year old anymore."

"You're right. Jase told me not to talk about any of that." Emily sighed, "I think I need to take a note out of Jason's book and apologize to you too." Alison sat up to look at her wife, puzzled about the direction of the conversation. "You were so focused on making sure I was okay afterward that I don't think we ever talked about your part in it all and how it may have affected you. Jason told me downstairs that you never talked to either of them about it. Did you talk to anyone?"

Alison's eyes moved back to the floor as she felt Emily's arm wrap around her back, "No. No one would've understood my position, or at least I thought they wouldn't."

"Well, I'm here now. Three years too late, but I'm here."

Two words that Alison had both dreaded and dreamed of hearing from her wife again sent Alison right back to Main Street as overwhelming sadness panged in her heart once again. "We went through so much to even get to July, you know? After everything, I really thought we were in the homestretch."

Emily traced her fingers through Alison's hair as her arm remained wrapped around her. The heaving of Alison's chest taking them both right back to the same moment.

* * *

***warning***

_"Please tell me you're almost ready in there."_

_A pleading voice called from the master bathroom as Alison DiLaurentis lie on the bed feet away from her fiancée. It had taken mere moments after Alison proposed for them to begin talking about the day of the wedding along with every day after. Just after the new year, they had made their way to a fertility clinic to determine who would be the best candidate for pregnancy. It had taken weeks to determine success rates and come to the conclusion that even with a 30 to 43 percent chance of giving birth, having a child was their main priority after being married. Now over six months out from their wedding, the process was actually beginning. Emily's follicles were responding to treatment, and they had been given the go-ahead for hormone therapy._

_Alison sat back up on the bed looking back and forth between the chicken scratch she had written down in the front of the nurse and the DIY YouTube video on her phone. Though she was pretty sure that she had the concoction engraved in her head by now, Alison's biggest fear was screwing this up for Emily. Emily's numbers had come back with the highest success percentage, so they were all in. But with that mentality also came Emily's undeniable fear of needles. It wasn't to an extreme extent, but it was enough that the thought of injecting herself with a needle made every part of her body go cold._

_"Yeah, almost there." Alison called over her shoulder as she filled the syringe with the clear liquid, ensuring no bubbles formed from pulling up too quickly._

_She skipped happily into the restroom to find her fiancée standing away from the mirror only in her lingerie nervously smiling back at her. Alison stopped in her tracks, taking her all in. From the small divots between her collarbone to her back dimples to the curves that ushered their way down her legs, Alison knew she would forever be in ecstasy._

_"It really is such bullshit that I couldn't even down some vodka before all of this. It'd be so much easier if I were tipsy." Emily stated, concerned. "Pregnant women really have it the worst."_

_Alison met up with Emily in front of the mirror, tucking her long black hair over her shoulders to full expose her décolletage. "Em, we can always go back and talk to the doctor. You know that I would carry our child in a heartbeat."_

_Their fingers linked at their waists, tucking the closed needle between their palms. "I'm the best chance. I have to try, you know? And you're going to be with me every step of the way, right?"_

_Alison lifted up on her toes, gently pressing their lips together, "Every. Step." She leaned back to look into Emily's piercing chocolate brown eyes, "Ready?"_

_Biting her lip, Emily nodded as Alison got down on her knees to be level with Emily's stomach. Emily passed a small tray of disinfectant and ice down to her fiancée, who immediately started trying to calm her down._

_Kissing right next to Emily's bellybutton, Alison began speaking, "Okay, sweetheart. It's going to be quick." She paused, pressing ice in a Ziploc against her stomach before feeling Emily pull away, "It's just the ice, babe. The video I watched said it may numb it. I'll warn you. Promise."_

_Alison removed the ice, blowing lightly on Emily's skin before wiping the small area with disinfectant and continuing, "It's going to be a small prick, and then it could sting or tingle a little. But don't worry, that's perfectly normal. I'm right here." She removed the cap off the injection as Emily began inhaling deeply, "Great job. You're doing perfectly. Deep inhale. Deep exhale. Deep inhale. Deep exhale. Deep inh-"_

_And as she felt Emily take her third breath in, Alison agilely placed the needle under Emily's skin to administer the injection. She felt Emily try to move away from her but held her firmly in place with a hand just below her ass._

_Standing to meet her fiancee's eyes once again, Alison couldn't help but smile, "All done! Nine more days to go!" she quickly leaned in to kiss Emily tenderly._

_"How are you so positive about this? It isn't nerve-wracking to be giving me these?"_

_Alison kept her hands wrapped firmly around Emily's neck, "Of course it's nerve-wracking, but I'm here with you. How could I not be positive? I will do this until the end of time if it means starting a family with you, Em."_

_Emily placed her forehead against Alison's, "I mean, I wouldn't go that far. That bitch hurt worse than you said it would. But you're right." She wrapped her arms around Alison's waist as she spun them both around to face the mirror. "I'm nervous, but I'm absolutely positive that there's no one else I'd rather be doing this with. I love you."_

* * *

Coming back to reality, Alison swore she could feel the shadow of Emily's lips still dancing over her neck from the night of that first injection. They now laid in silence on top of the bed. Alison's head tucked into Emily's chest as Emily's hand hovered on her wife's back. "Was it naïve of me to have fallen in love with him before making sure he was real?" Alison asked, her voice cracking once again.

"He was real. I mean, we were almost to the third trimester. We were almost there."

Emily could feel Alison gripping tightly onto her side, a signal that the trauma of that day was coming back to her in flashes she couldn't stop. Emily remembered those moments well. The times Alison discovered her sitting in a ball in the middle of the floor sobbing in the middle of the night. The moments where Emily found herself in the nursery again just staring at the one blue wall they were able to finish painting before the loss. The stages of grief that perpetuated Emily's life from that point forward, even after giving birth to Livvy the second time around.

Alison tucked her head deeply into Emily's left side, hiding her eyes from reality, "Ali, talk to me. We can't hide from this. Yes, we have a beautiful daughter together, but we can't keep moving forward, ignoring that we lost our son. What are you thinking behind those eyes?" Emily rubbed her thumb lightly on Alison's temple, willing them to open.

"I should have been there. I left just to be out of the house and get you something for your indigestion. We didn't even think the cramping could be–"

"Neither of us thought anything of it, Al. That's not on you." Silence flooded the conversation once again before Emily regained the confidence to speak, "Have you ever thought that it was providence that you weren't here?" Emily cringed beneath her wife, waiting for her reaction.

Alison lifted her head off Emily's chest, propping herself up as she looked into her wife's eyes, "How could you say that? Providence? Like some divine fate that I wasn't here when you passed out? You think divine fate was in play as you lay unconscious?"

"Okay, maybe a poor choice of words, but I can only imagine how fucked up you would be if you had found me. The visual of me waking up will never escape my mind. I wouldn't have been able to stand it if anyone I loved found me instead. So I think it's fortunate in a way that I'm the only one that has to live out that nightmare."

"But maybe I could have stopped it, Em. Do you not get that? If we had two more minutes. If we could have just called the ambulance sooner. If I could've –"

At this point, Alison had already fully sat up in bed, turned to face where Emily was still lying in front of her. "Stop." Emily interrupted, extending her hand to grab Alison's wrist. They looked at each other for the first time with tears in their eyes. "Alison, two more minutes wouldn't have changed anything. You know that, don't you? We had already lost Liam, sweetheart. You only missed my suffering… I'm happy you weren't put through that."

"Em, I get what you're saying, but I wanted to be there for you. I didn't want you to feel alone in that moment. I could only imagine how scared you were and if I could've taken away even a moment of that fear, or your pain, I would have."

"I don't think you see my point, Alison." Emily argued, sitting up to meet Alison in their now mutual seated position, but Alison quickly swiveled off the bed to stand away from her wife instead.

"No, I get your point. The difference is that when I said our vows nearly 4 years ago, I meant them."

Emily and Alison both disconnected eye contact at the realization of the connotation of Alison's words. Emily mumbled away from their conversation, "You know that's not a fair judgment."

Alison faced Emily once again, "For better. For worse. For richer. For poorer. In sickness. In health… I was supposed to be there."

"You know, Jason told me not to bring any of this other bullshit up, but you keep painting me in your head as some maniac who betrayed you. We came to a separation agreement together, Alison! You signed the same fucking document I did, so don't say that "your vows" meant more. No one forced your hand to the page, babe!"

Emily and Alison now stood across the bed from one another. A battle for understanding devolved into a battle to be right. The physical separation of Alison's prison sentence had pushed them farther apart than they ever could have predicted. A relationship built on friendship and loyalty, now a marriage built on fragments of misunderstandings and time.

Knowing her anger was misplaced, Emily raised her hands, "This is grief. This, right here, right in front of us, is our grief, okay?" She moved hesitantly toward her wife, who had turned away in frustration. "For too long, we've been grieving Liam's loss alone. Grief is meant to be shared, Alison. We can't face it independently without it swallowing us whole. Please turn around and look at me." Emily's lingering hand on Alison's bicep sent shivers down Alison's spine that she hoped went unnoticed as she faced back toward her wife, "We can't change losing him. We can't change that day. Hell, if we went back, I'm sure we would have done the same thing. Because he was already gone, and we didn't know any better. But we can change how we move forward, Al. I'm sorry I didn't spend time on how our loss directly affected you. I'm so sorry."

***end of warning***

Wrapped in Emily's arms, Alison couldn't help but weep. It was the desperate touch that Alison had dreamed of returning home to. It was the conversation that Alison had longed to have. But it was laced with uncertainty. And through the hug, Alison was sure she could feel pressure on her back right shoulder blade.

Pressure of the wedding band that wasn't hers. Pressure to attempt to be the wife for Emily whose standards she didn't even know if she could reach anymore. Pressure to grow past the loss of her son to be completely present for her daughter. But even in that pressure cooker, meant to finish her from the inside out, the feeling of her wife wrapped around her gave her promise. Because when you feel trapped, there are only two real options: you can succumb to the pressure around you, or you can fight back to be released.

And everything within the way Emily held Alison in her arms that afternoon, with both fragility and security, gave Alison the will to fight against the pressure no matter the outcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally felt like it was time for a flashback to show that Emily was truly invested and dedicated to the entire marriage and all. I also loved the idea of her being so afraid of needles that Alison had to be a big part of the IVF process. It also gives some good insight into how Emily and Alison's disagreements typically work. Love playing with the idea that Alison wants to fight for the relationship so much that anytime it backfires, Emily is the one who has to calm things down. It goes into some plots that will weave their way through the story over time.
> 
> Next chapter? Well, it may involve a tiny jump in time as in 6 chapters we've made it literally about 24 full hours. Yikes. But more than anything... and y'all have been waiting for it, next chapter will formally reintroduce Maya to Alison. Super excited to see how that plays out (I've not so secretly been rewatching episodes with Maya in them to get a good idea of her character's motivations, so hopefully that works in this story's favor.)
> 
> Also, I have to reiterate how fortunate I feel to have all this support behind this story. You all have inspired me so much to keep writing Alison as strong, but motivated. Her past could have made her emotionally unavailable (as presented in the show), or driven her to be better (my take). The start of this chapter delved into that more because I hated how Alison and Jason's bond as siblings was treated in the series. Of course in the series, Charles and all that nonsense was in play, but I hope that you all like how I edited their relationship so that he (and Aria) can play a bigger role in the stories.
> 
> Love you all! Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	7. Burning Desire

As the days continued to pass, Emily and Alison practiced the art of living around each other, not with each other. After the events of Friday afternoon, Emily had quickly backed away from their tender hug to add distance between them. Alison understood this maybe more than anyone. She empathized with everything in her heart, telling her that Emily could be hers again if she acted instinctually. But reason fought with instinct every step of the way. Instinct would make her no better than Maya, and she damn well knew she was better than her.

They were pleasant and enjoyed time together when spent with Olivia. But as soon as she was put down for a nap, went to visit with Pam, or went to bed at night, they disappeared into their own areas of the house. They tiptoed around one another, neither wanting to step too firmly and cause another disagreement. It was with this fragility that Emily walked toward Alison that Tuesday afternoon as Alison sat on the couch reading casually.

"Hey…" Emily stated cautiously, approaching the couch as though it could be hot to the touch.

Alison replied with little formality, quickly turning her head back to her book, "Hey."

"Could you put that down, please? I need to talk to you about something."

"Who, me?" Alison inquired both flirtatiously and sarcastically which threw Emily off, sending blush directly to her cheeks. "Sorry, instinct. Go ahead." She dog-eared the page while setting the book down in front of her.

Emily brushed her hair behind her ear, allowing the side of her neck to become visible to Alison who couldn't help but stare, "So, typically I would ask my mom, but um, now that you're here and all…"

Alison picked her book back up immediately, opening it again to her reserved location, "You need me to babysit, right? I mean, I have to say yes, or I'm the dick. When's the date?"

"It's not a –"

She looked up over her reading glasses, cocking her head to the side. Emily gulped at the remembrance of how hot Alison's glasses tended to make her look. Not that she wasn't always attractive in Emily's eyes, but as a bookworm herself, it still gave Emily a little extra tingle.

"It's with Maya, right?" Emily nodded in reply. "So it is a date, Em."

"Well, okay…" she stuttered, standing up to walk away, "It's tomorrow night by the way." She stated moments from turning into the kitchen.

"Question." Alison asked as Emily spun back around, exhaling heavily, noticing that Alison had re-set down her book and crossed her legs astutely, "Do you know if your mom has spoken to her in any real depths about your relationship? I mean, do I need to sit Maya down and ask what her intentions are with my wife? Do you typically have a curfew, or should I expect you to not come home tomorrow night? Is it alright if I wait up for you to see if she treated you okay, or is that not appropriate consider –"

"Ali –"

Alison smirked at the carpet, knowing she had hit a nerve, "Oh, sorry. Was that too far?"

"You know what you're doing." Emily muttered, walking back toward her wife, who was still seated on the opposite couch.

"One more question, then I'm all done. Wednesday's are your usual date night, I assume." Emily nodded once again at Alison's query, "Great, so Maya knows that in two weeks' time, she'll be taking you out on our 4th wedding anniversary, right?" Alison watched as Emily's face went cold both in touch and in appearance. "Oh! You hadn't considered that yet? Noted. Got it, babe."

Alison left her book on the coffee table as she moved toward the stairs, stopping to turn back around to her wife before ascending, "You should let her know about that tomorrow when you see her. While you're at it, can you ask if we could maybe share that day? You know, it was kind of our day first, but I would hate to intrude on the endless memories you both have created on Wednesdays. Wouldn't it be terrible if I came in and disregarded the foundation you had built over the past, let's say, half a year for a four year anniversary?"

"Enough!" Emily raised her voice to get Alison's attention.

Alison chuckled as she continued climbing the stairs, "You're right. Get back to me on those questions first. You know how important Maya's opinion is to me!"

She shouted her final sentences over the balcony and slammed the door before Emily had a chance to answer. Slamming her fists on the back of the couch, Emily huffed visualizing that Alison had been waiting for that question since returning home almost a week before. She pictured her in her mirror, savoring the imagined expression on Emily's face as she spoke to her in sincerity and spite. Emily had been unprepared and could feel her house getting smaller around her. Grabbing the keys from the bowl, she knew she needed to get out of the house to think about everything. She needed clarity, and being around Alison provided anything but that.

Hearing Emily shout that she would be back later from behind her bedroom door sent a sigh of relief through Alison. She stood just on the other side of the doorway with her back and palms plastered against it, praying that Emily wouldn't climb the stairs to attempt to confront her. By this point, the sobs came to her naturally as she slid to the floor into a ball. Alison was still unsure of where the fire within her was held.

As time continued, she grew more unsure of what would trigger her anger. A few days ago, Emily had simply giggled into her phone, and Alison grew enraged at the thought of what was on the other side. When Emily moments later had turned her phone to show her a photo of Olivia covered in peaches sent to her by Pam, she unclenched her jaw to release a pained smile. Yesterday when Emily cleared the pantry of any and all alcohol, it sent Alison straight into a whirlwind of potential drunken memories. How many drunken nights had it taken before Maya made the first move? How many vodka tonics did Emily chug before she felt comfortable relinquishing the touch typically reserved for Alison to give to another?

And then today, Alison had turned an opportunity given to her to watch their daughter into an interrogation session. Sure, she had been impressed that she still possessed the ability to deliver quips as instinctually as breathing or blinking, but it came from anger she couldn't quite place. For as much as she wanted her wife back, it had also morphed into wanting Emily to question everything: her motives, her relationship, her decisions, her desires. She wanted Emily to feel like Alison did in every moment. She wanted her off-guard and unsure.

Less than ten minutes after Alison heard the front door close, she heard the key in the door again. Rushing to the mirror to wipe away any remnants of tears, Alison adjusted her hair and clothes to appear once again in control as she opened her bedroom door. She paused in front of Olivia's room as she checked to see that she was still asleep, silently closing the door behind her, not knowing if her anger may reappear.

She was grateful for the choice she made as soon as she turned around to look over the banister back into the living room. Walking back into the open-aired room below was the woman she had dreaded to be reunited with since she first heard her name five days before. Maya St. Germain was taller than Alison had remembered, but still stood at least two inches shorter than she did. Her long black hair fell down her back as she opted for straightening it nowadays instead of keeping its natural wave. Alison's stomach sank because, of course, she was still gorgeous. Unlike Alison opting for the no makeup look, Maya was in front her with her face delicately done. It emphasized her big eyes and delicately pouty lips, and Alison cringed when she realized she had already been spotted staring.

"Alison!" she exclaimed when they made eye contact as Alison was halfway down the staircase, "I was wondering when we might bump into each other!" Maya smiled as she attempted to wrap Alison into a hug, despite the last conversation they had over a decade earlier.

"You have a key?" Alison muttered in her shock as she distanced herself away from Maya as quickly as she could.

"Let's sit." Maya mentioned matter-of-factly as she continued speaking, effectively ignoring Alison's question, "I tried to find the hard alcohol, but Emily must have moved it. So I grabbed us two beers from the fridge instead!" She extended her hand, enthusiastically. That's when Alison saw it. Her smirk. "Oh, I forgot! Silly me! Em told me about your sobriety. How long has it been again?"

Maya sat back against the couch, crossing her legs in front of her as she placed both beers to her right. Alison saw right through her attempt to gain power over her. Drinking was the easiest target on Alison's back after her sordid history with her mother and her addiction. Even with Maya's opener, including a smile and hug, Alison sensed her smugness. No matter the woman she presented herself as in front of her, Alison knew she couldn't have changed. She was still the same manipulative ass that Alison had to protect Emily from their Junior year of high school. Alison smiled back kindly, knowing that the long game was far more critical than Maya's immediate attempts to rattle her.

"I've been sober for almost 9 years now." Alison replied, confidently. She would not be shaken.

Maya bit back, "Hmm, interesting. I don't think that's quite how the papers put it during your trial."

Alison chuckled, catching her first lie, "I thought you said Emily had told you about my sobriety? Caught it in the paper before then I guess?"

"It was hard to miss."

They sat in silence, eyeing each other for over a minute, intrigued by their own reunion. They looked at each other searching for the qualities they had to possess to be able to have the opportunity to date someone like Emily Fields. Alison toyed with the expression Maya had given her as she descended the stairs. She was unsurprised by the fact Emily wasn't home. She hadn't knocked, and in fact, had used to the key knowing that it would add to the surprise factor she was trying to obtain.

"So, Emily sent you over here?"

"Not exactly. She simply told me that you had insinuated wanting to speak to me before our date tomorrow, and I'm not one to turn down a challenge."

"Unsurprising considering you ignored every boundary in your way while I was gone."

"Alison, we can dance in circles all you want, my dear. But I'm sure Emily is on her way home, considering the reply text I sent to her. So, why don't you just get to it?"

"I'm not doing this with you." Alison stood and began walking away. Maya was not going to be the ring leader of this scenario. She was not going to dictate when and where Alison chose to confront her. Alison walked into the kitchen with Maya close on her heels. They stopped facing each other across the extended island in the kitchen, "You're not welcome here, Maya."

"Those aren't the words Emily used when she gave me the key. But I can go if you're not comfortable with me being here."

"I'm uncomfortable with the fact that you're attempting to confront me in my home while my daughter is sleeping upstairs. You may have plotted and planned for this moment since you heard I was being released, but you don't scare me. Not for a second."

Maya shifted, realizing that Alison wasn't flinching across from her. She readjusted herself as she began walking toward the side of the kitchen Alison was on, "It was never my intention to make you upset, Alison. I'm sure all of this has been a big adjustment for you."

Alison took a step forward, each of them now within arm's length of the other. "I don't think you get it. Your life is the one changing, not mine. Last week, you had everything in control, didn't you? You got to be in my house with my wife and my daughter, and I really hope you enjoyed your little game of pretend, Maya. But the sooner you realize that _I'm_ the big adjustment you need to take into consideration here, the better off you'll be. Now, like I said, you are not welcome here."

"I don't think that's your choice, Alison." Maya stated, stepping away from her, "Why don't we ask Emily when she gets home?"

"Ask Emily, what?" Emily questioned out of breath as she rounded the doorway into the kitchen, apparent that she had all but sprinted home when she received Maya's text.

Alison started speaking over Maya to prevent her from controlling the conversation, "In her attempts to come into my home and intimidate me while you were not here, I let her know that she was not welcome in my house."

Maya scrambled from behind her, sauntering toward Emily as she wrapped her hands around Emily's waist and placed her hands in Emily's back pockets, "I was trying to empathize with how hard this transition must be for her. I figured it would be easier to have the conversation she wanted us to have before we go out tomorrow. When she asked me to leave, I simply wanted to ask you first. Do you want me to leave?" She leaned forward, arching her back as she placed her lips against Emily's.

Alison shuddered as she looked away, disgusted by the creep show being put on in front of her, "Do you want me to tell her or should I?" Alison asked bluntly through the kiss Emily was attempting to turn away from.

"Maya, sweetheart… Alison owns the house. Yes, my name is on the deed, but she put all the money down."

"If your name is on the –" Maya attempted to argue.

From memory, Alison began reciting, "Article B. Homestead. Petitioner, Emily Fields, will remain in the family home located at 8432 Driftwood, until such time that Respondent, Alison DiLaurentis, is released from Pike County Jail, or until the youngest child of the parties is eighteen years old, graduates from high school, or becomes emancipated, whichever occurs first, at which time ownership will transfer back to the Respondent." Alison took a breath, "Should I continue?"

"She put down all the money, Maya. I had to give her the house as part of the separation."

Maya stepped away, placing herself between them as she continued speaking, "So when she says –"

"So when I say 'You are not welcome here,' that means that _you_ are not welcome in _my_ home without my expressed permission. Maya, you are not welcome here." Alison added emphasis between each word.

Emily spoke up, "Al if we could just talk about it."

"Emily, we can talk about it. Me and you. She is not involved. For all intents and purposes, she is currently trespassing. She used a key, came into my home, intentionally offered me a beer, and tried to confront me about a conversation known only by you and me before we barely even had exchanged hellos."

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Emily leaned forward to kiss Maya on the cheek.

"Yeah, sure." Maya replied, looking over her shoulder to glare as she walked toward the front door.

"Please leave your key in the bowl!" Alison announced in her direction, hearing the pinging of the metal against the bowl by the front door. Once the door closed, Alison marched out of the kitchen. "What the fuck did you send her, Emily?"

"I said you were frustrating me, so I went on a walk to clear my head. I was halfway to Hanna's when I got her text stating she would 'see me at home,' so I ran back here as fast as I could. I'm really out of shape, Al."

Alison smiled at Emily still being out of breath as she walked back into the living room, "I get that you never expected her to come over here, but I don't want her here if you are not also with her, especially now that I'm back."

"Of course." Emily heaved, "I'll let her know. Thank you." She picked up the full beer and half-empty beer sitting next to the couch, "I'll talk to her about this, too. She just gets… protective, you know?"

"Yeah, you have a type." Alison muttered before blushing as Emily looked her way.

"Shut up…" Emily groaned, despite feeling the palpating truth in her words.

* * *

The next evening as Maya and Emily sat at Maya's dining room table in her apartment across town, Emily held up her end of the bargain with Alison's wishes, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you like that, but I never thought that you would have gone to the house without me being there. That screams confrontation, My."

"I thought settling everything before tonight would make it easier for when you don't come home." She flirted, placing her lips on the back of her fiancée's hand.

Emily smiled her way as she spoke, "You have to tone it down though. It hasn't even been a week; it's going to take her time to adjust."

"Don't worry. Message received." Maya rose from the table to clear both of their plates, leaning forward to leaving a mark of her lipstick on Emily's temple.

"Also beautiful, you can't taunt her for not drinking. That's incredibly insensitive."

Maya turned back around, appearing innocent, "Em, I truly forgot. It was an attempted peace offering."

"That's not how Alison portrayed it…"

"The beer wasn't even in front of her, babe. I removed it from the situation as soon as she reminded me. I would never tempt her considering her history. I may get jealous of you being in that big house alone with her from time to time, but you know I'm not evil." Maya sauntered her way back to Emily, lacing their fingers together until Emily stood in front of her. Though their height difference was more noticeable than Emily and Alison's, Maya loved the ability to kiss Emily's neck without having to move an inch. "You know that, don't you?" Maya pleaded as she etched lingering kisses along her fiancée's collarbone, feeling Emily melt beneath her touch.

The couple moved backward until the back of Emily's knees hit the couch, falling into the cushions before Maya straddled Emily's waist to continue teasing her neck. Emily's hands traveled down to Maya's waist as she exhaled deeply in temptation. Whenever Emily needed a welcomed distraction, Maya was there to send her stomach right back into the rollercoaster of high school first loves. She loved the way Maya caressed her body and dug her hips into hers. She brought out a carnal side to Emily that sent her head spinning. Instincts and old habits were brought out every time they hooked up in a way that made being with Maya more like feeling the high from a drug than merely a singular experience.

But tonight was different in a way that Emily couldn't quite put a finger on. When Maya hit that spot on her neck, she recoiled in ecstasy. When her ass was squeezed, she moaned out for more. But each time she went to make her own move, whether that be tracing the back of Maya's neck, or feeling Maya's abs beneath her shirt, she could feel the distinct difference in how Maya felt compared to Alison in her arms the Friday before. As Maya whispered in her ear if she wanted more, Emily agreed, but secretly felt guilty at the thought of Alison actually waiting up for her. She reeled at the thought of this exact thing occurring on their wedding anniversary. How could she be with someone on a day once made sacred by her and Alison? She closed her eyes, trying to force herself back into the moment, forcibly kissing Maya with as much passion as she could muster to get Alison's face out of her head.

* * *

Ten miles away, Alison sat at home, bouncing baby Olivia on her knee. They had been playing peek-a-boo for the past half an hour without a sign of wanting to stop in their future. Alison figured that focusing all of her energy on their daughter tonight would get her head off of Emily as much as possible. She wouldn't have to think about the potentially fancy dinner they attended or the way they could easily hook up in the back of Emily's car due to Maya's petite stature. She shook her head back into reality as she opened her hands to repeat the word 'peek-a-boo' for the 500th time when she was startled by the rapid opening of the front door which drowned out Olivia's giggle. Emily took three steps in before making eye contact with Alison, sighing exasperatedly, closing the front door forcefully, and stomping toward the master bedroom.

Even though no words were spoken and no official acknowledgment was made, Alison smiled from the comfort of the recliner in the corner of the living room. It had taken all of a day to be confirmed, but the pensive look on Emily's face as they made eye contact said it all. She leaned back looking into her daughter's face, "Well, look at that, Livvy. It only took six days to get into Mommy's head." Placing a kiss onto her forehead, Alison smirked while pulling away, "Let the games begin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, I hope I set the stage for future interactions well! I tried to keep Maya's forwardness and fiestyness, but of course added in a little bit of manipulation that has surely been hinted at the past few chapters. Next chapter on Thursday!
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	8. Tread Softly, You Tread On My Softly

Alison awoke with the pressure of someone else's hips on top of hers. Her lips were forceful against Alison's neck, and she felt the abandon with which she yearned for dominance. Alison was all too willing to give in, instantly wrapping her hands around her waist, loving the comforting feeling of her hand just below her breast. Their lips met in turmoil, desperately seeking to be understood without words. Her black hair covered Alison's face as they got lost in ritual. They clamored for each other's clothes, desiring nothing more than to feel skin on skin in their reunion dance.

Alison tilted her head back to look up at the ceiling, eyes searching for something around her to tell her this was only a dream. But as she felt her lips trail further down her skin, Alison recognized her touch, and she allowed her eyes to roll back into themselves to fully let go. Pressing her lips on her inner thigh, Alison grasped for her hair, pulling it away from her face to give her full reign.

"Fuck, Em. What's gotten into you?" Alison asked into the darkness both desiring and recoiling to discover what could have possibly happened with Maya earlier that evening to illicit this instinctual response out of her wife.

As Alison collected all of her hair, they finally made eye contact sending Alison into a scramble. Because the eyes looking menacingly back at her were Maya's. She let out a guttural scream. Kicking her feet, she rolled to the right, hitting the floor with a thud. She woke up covered in sweat on all fours, gasping at the vision of Maya at the end of her bed. Alison jumped up as soon as she could, scouring the room for the other woman. But, it was to no avail.

"Fucking subconscious… total trash." Alison continued mumbling through the dark until she found the light switch in the bathroom. "Get a fucking grip." She repeated in the mirror as she gathered her blonde hair in her hands, allowing her neck to get some air, sweat still dripping from her scalp. She had never been so simultaneously terrified and aroused. Alison couldn't differentiate if her heart was racing from the jump scare of the dream or from her desire for the dream to have never stopped in the first place.

She readjusted her clothes which she found herself gripping into her palms as if balling up all negative emotions to forcefully shove them down. Needing to find breath outside of her room, Alison frantically reached to find a wall to hold onto for stability; to bring structure back into a body collapsed within her dream. She opened the door out into the hallway gasping for a good breath as soon as she hit fresh air. She placed her hands on the railing, looking over their living room as she retraced through her head every motion of the day prior. Ghostly images of everyone who paced through the bottom floor wafted through her memory. Watching Maya saunter back into their life, made her muscles tense. Alison's only thought for escape was two doors away, her daughter's room.

The door creaked open, allowing an ounce of light to peek through the room. Alison felt instant ease as the motion triggered the nightlight inside. Walking over to her crib, Alison sighed at the vision of her daughter in front of her. Olivia's face peacefully asleep resembled her wife more than words could ever fully explain. From the shape of her face to her faint tan skin to the thin and tousled black hair curling around her ears, Emily shined through their daughter. Alison forever had a gnawing worry that she would struggle to form a connection with their children if she didn't carry them herself. It was a fear that haunted Alison from the time she realized children were most likely in her future, long before coming to terms with her sexuality. Which added an entirely new layer to her already stacked insecurities. How could connection be built between two people not genetically related when her own mother was unable to connect to her?

Alison first noted her mother's drinking habits when she was five. It was common for her mom to lay on the couch a majority of the day and especially over the summer, treat Alison like a maid of sorts. Whenever a refill was needed, if Alison was nearby, she gladly offered to try and diffuse the volatility stirred from her cup being empty for too long. Alison could still remember the feel of that plastic juice container in her hand, walking carefully across the tile floors to delicately pour more of that red substance into her glass. She used every reading skill in her body to finally decipher the words "cranberry juice" on the outside of the plastic. It was reiterated to her so many times that this juice was only for adults that it became a mantra she played over and over in her mind.

Later in life, around the age of nine, Alison came downstairs in the middle of the night for some water only to find her mother asleep on the couch. The cup of cranberry juice she had been holding in her left hand slipped and coated the rug beneath her with an unremovable stain. Alison scrubbed for close to an hour trying to erase her mother's slip up before word could get out to her brother or father. She would never forget the smell of that first sopped rag, the hints of vinegar and sharp lemon that immediately caused Alison to remove it from her nose. It was her first glimpse into the potential reality that her mother's juice wasn't juice at all.

It wasn't until the summer before middle school that Alison finally caught on to her mother's scheme. She simply came home early from Spencer's house to find her emptying wine bottle after wine bottle into her cranberry juice. A drinking habit she hid from her children out of her own vanity. An issue she deemed could only be treated alone, and by the time Alison discovered the truth, it was far too late for her redemption.

Realizing that a liquid held more importance for her mother than her animated bright-eyed baby girl caused Alison to question every reality presented to her. She became cynical and rigid, taking out her anger for her mother and soon-departed brother on everyone else around her. Alison poured her energy into their family's appearance to the outside world, spending hours each morning on her make-up and hair. If her mother had hidden this secret for so long, there must have been a reason behind it. There was a shame in being a DiLaurentis that Alison couldn't piece together, a need to stand behind a curtain and reflect a shadow of the person others should see. Because of the façade put on day in and day out, it only took a matter of years before Alison picked up the habit herself.

The first sip she took from that jug had her convinced that forming a crimson liquid bond was the only way she could ever relate to the woman who raised her. It was easy enough at first because the induced stupor her mother craved nightly allowed Alison to sneak a glass or two anytime she wanted. Alison obsessed about the control it provided her. She loved the ability to drink more or less or not at all, depending on the circumstance. There was no consequence for drinking in the comfort of her own home, and anytime she felt the need to stop, she could. With her mother passed out on the couch, Alison forever had the comfort that she would never be as bad as her mother was. Even with the spout of the wine bottle pressed against her lips as she chugged, wiping the stain off her lips to leave no evidence behind.

It was a charade she kept up for almost a full year before anyone caught on, and if she hadn't of been stupid about it... if they hadn't been stupid about it, part of Alison thought she would have gotten away with it longer. Even with the repercussion of her drinking at the forefront of her family, Jason was the only one that actually gave a shit. Moving came with its own challenges, but moving in with her brother put a damper on things, especially considering that it wasn't her personal choice. But she learned to develop a healthy relationship with alcohol, one without the need for acceptance or numbing. After getting a little too drunk for her own liking the night of the girls' college graduation party the June after they graduated, Alison had chosen to separate herself from alcohol altogether. It was the best choice she could make for her future with Emily. In fact, other than choosing to spend forever with her, becoming fully sober was the easiest choice Alison had ever made.

Alison never lost sight of the fact that she nearly ruined her life for a woman who manipulated her trust with and around drinking from such a young age. She was never provided the chance to have a healthy relationship with alcohol because it was forced upon her before she knew she was even making a decision. It took Alison many years of therapy to move past her understanding that she perpetuated her mother's addiction. That she took the brief moments of affection gained from filling a cup over the anger received if it went empty.

Since cutting off all ties with her mother, there were still some days Alison craved the connection built with her that year she drank heavily. When drunk, Alison related to her mother more than she maybe ever would. She could sense her guilt, grasp her frustration, and understand the desperation behind her addiction. It bonded them and tore them apart simultaneously. For as much as Alison could finally relate, her mother still did not give a fuck about her. Weekends when Alison never came out of her room went unnoticed. Weeks without buying new groceries went ignored. Alison spent every waking moment ensuring her mother's safety and security, and in return, she never even heard an 'are you okay?'. It was a hard pill to swallow and an ever harsher reality to process.

She tossed and turned for much of Emily's first pregnancy, wondering if she lacked the same compassion, if she could muster enough care to dedicate as much of herself to Liam as she could. It was a worry quickly dismissed by Emily's miscarriage. Even though hours passed before Alison saw her wife, she felt the loss with a sharp immediacy that screamed connection. So now, standing in front of Olivia, Alison's mouth stood agape at the prospect of someone not loving the perfect being before her. It sent more rage bubbling through her because her mother's distance and disdain made even less sense than it did as a small child.

Alison knew that the baby before her took up more of her heart than she ever did in her mother's. As she lifted Olivia from her crib, causing her to stir slightly, Alison could feel love surging through her in a way that had never compared since her wedding day. She could still distinctly remember the doors of the church, required by Emily's mother, creaking open to put Alison's future wife on full display. With Jason on one side and Pam on the other, Alison could sense the union of their family's from before they said 'I do.' She struggled to place those emotions from their wedding day as she felt her daughter wrapped in her arms. She couldn't quite imagine how everything had so quickly devolved from the elation in their smiles as their eyes connected on their wedding day to the crushing blows that perpetually repeated since Alison first noticed that ring on Emily's finger.

Olivia readjusted herself in Alison's arms, curling her head to be closer to her mother's heartbeat and placing her palm flat on Alison's sternum. She drifted to the rocking chair positioned just outside Olivia's closet, inching slowly toward its padded cushion. Alison adjusted incredibly well to the chair's inevitable rock backward and held her daughter delicately against her chest. Olivia's full lips pressed together before falling back apart, ensuring her mother that their movement hadn't been enough to send her reeling.

Alison stared face forward etching the feeling of her daughter into her mind's eye. She noted the cloth fabric between her fingers. She concocted a comparable smell of Olivia's hair into her olfactory nerve in hopes that the scent would never fade. She counted her fingers and toes over and over again with an obsessive compulsivity that could only occur for a parent who wasn't sure what the next day held. A parent who knew the fragility of togetherness. Who could sense that this opportunity could be limited.

"Olivia Emerson…" Alison whispered softly, feeling the vibration of the letters spill off her tongue and over her lips.

A name selected with purpose and significance. That's all they wanted. After naming their late son William Charles after two of Alison's favorite authors of the 19th century, they wanted their second child's name to be reminiscent of the name Liam, but still capture Alison's love of English Literature. For no other reason if not to prove that her college education had relatively been worthwhile.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Charles Dickens.

W.B. Yeats.

"Has your mom ever told you about the wonderful men you were named after? They revolutionized the literary world, but none revolutionized the world like your brother. You know, I knew he was my guardian angel the moment we lost him. I felt the Earth shift beneath me receiving that phone call. He was going to be a game-changer, just like his namesakes. Just like you, Liv." Alison paused, allowing herself to catch her breath as tears welled in her eyes. "I don't know how many more nights like these we're gonna have, Squirt. I don't know if I'm going to be able to read to you nightly or protect you when you're scared of the monsters in your closet or give you all of my best advice. So, I'm going to start now. That cool with you?"

Alison chuckled looking down at the unmoving being held in her hands, "I'm going to tell you this one forever because it's kind of like my life mantra. You ready for it? Be better than those who raised you. Now, that's not to say that your mom and I aren't fucking great. But Olivia, you need to know that for as much perfection radiates from your mother inside and out, we both have things we should have and need to do better. Be better than us, baby girl. Change the world. Cure cancer. Persevere through every challenge. Live out a life that your mom and I would be proud of. A life that your brother would be proud of. You are already the mold of something great."

Slowing her heaves for breath, Alison continued speaking to the only person in her life that couldn't judge, "Right now Livvy, you're all I really have in this world. You are the only thing that is mine. You are the only thing I can change and nurture and protect and grow. I will forever fight for your mother. But the connection and love we have right here you and me is unbreakable. Everything I do, know that I'm doing it for your sake. I love you, so, so much."

She closed her eyes as she let the calm spread across her body. It brought her back to the moment Emily and Alison found out Liam was a boy, a decisive moment that cemented the reality of a child. Though both settled, Alison immediately realized the lack of tools she had been provided to pass off to her son. She didn't have much other than the strength and independence she garnered through her hardships. She didn't have an understanding of unconditional love or relentless support. She didn't learn how to enrich a child's desires or goals. She wasn't shown the passion that exists behind an earnest hug or a tender, "I love you." She didn't have much.

She only had dreams. Dreams for her children that extend into forever. To be everything she couldn't be. To provide for the world what wasn't provided for her.

As she sat, rocking calmly back and forth, she began reciting the poem that Alison read to her wife the night they came home from the gender reveal appointment:

_"Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,_   
_Enwrought with golden and silver light,_   
_The blue and the dim and the dark cloths_   
_Of night and light and the half-light;_   
_I would spread the cloths under your feet:_   
_But I, being poor, have only my dreams;_   
_I have spread my dreams under your feet;_   
_Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."_

The daughter she held in her arms was the embodiment of all of her dreams. All her wishes. Her every desire dipped in human form.

And as she peacefully sat in the chair holding her daughter beneath her now crossed fingers, Alison failed to capture the entire picture surrounding her. With her focus solely on her daughter and their future, she hadn't taken into consideration that the thump caused a half-hour earlier from her waking from her nightmare would've woken up her wife as well. She hadn't counted on Emily believing the thud to be her daughter falling out of her crib, sending her into a spiral. Emily had watched her wife cautiously enter their daughter's bedroom from the bottom step of the staircase. She delicately climbed the stairs behind her, dropping to her knees when she heard Alison whispering lightly. Not wanting to impact the light streaming from the nightlight inside, Emily's curiosity led her to crawl slowly toward Olivia's room, pausing outside the door to sit against the wall and listen to her wife.

Emily held her breath through every word of Alison's. She gasped for air when she gasped. She chuckled when she chuckled. She yearned for Olivia to reach the same potential. She desired nothing more than to share in this moment with Alison. But Emily also knew it wasn't her place. She felt the collapse in her wife's lungs when she uttered the words, 'You're all I have.' It wasn't up to Emily to take that away from her. Alison deserved every opportunity to string together a new normal. A normal that Emily removed herself from. A normal that might not include her wife at all.

But as Emily sat there. Crumpled outside her daughter's door. Clinging to the words spilling from Alison's lips. Sobbing into her shirt as the words of the Yeats poem reverberated off her eardrums. As she sat there, she couldn't figure out if the tears were from the beauty of the moment before her in the present, or the fear that the dreams Alison was referring to not only included Olivia but also her.

And she had stomped all over them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So the start of this chapter is Reason #2 I chose Maya to be the other woman. I liked the idea of her and Emily looking similar.
> 
> Also to give credit where credit is due, the poem above is 'The Cloths of Heaven' by W.B. Yeats, one of my all-time favorite poets. Was so happy that I was able to include a poem that means so much to me.
> 
> The quote, "Be better than those who raised you." is actual my own mantra. It's a solid remind that we can always do better, be better, and make an impact, no matter how small.
> 
> Thanks again for your patience. Next chapter up on Sunday!
> 
> You know the drill. Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	9. Not For A Want Of Trying

**A/N: As I had mentioned a few chapters back, this is the chapter that does go into mild (yet descriptive) detail into Emily's miscarriage. This is your warning, and I apologize for any uncomfortability. I did quite a few hours of research to attempt to make this an accurate depiction, but as I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, there is potential that this does not fully reflect someone else's experience.**

_July 15, 2015_

"Babe?"

The echo of Alison's voice reverberated through their home from the second-floor balcony. As Emily finished placing the cups just washed in the sink in their proper spot, she stretched her back with one hand behind her on the counter before ensuring to grab her phone and beginning to walk into the living room. The dull ache in her side had started a few days earlier, but as of this morning was growing into a slowly increasing sharp stab through her right side. Emily knew that the day would be busy for her wife though, so she pushed her pain aside to assist around the house where she could.

"I'm coming, Al!" she returned as she rounded the corner into their open-air living area.

Catching her wife's eye as she stood above her, Emily couldn't help but grin at the image before her. In all of her teal undershirt, white overalls, messy bun, makeup-free, toothy grin glory, Alison was leaned back-first in a death pose over the banister.

Emily laughed aloud as she replied, "Oh, come on! It can't be that bad."

Pulling herself up as Emily began walking for the stairs, Alison dramatized, "Em, we really did not think this whole thing out. You're the taller one! This is torture for me!"

"And this isn't?" she asked, pointing to her stomach as she reached the top of the stairs with a sarcastic grin on her face, "It's really unbelievable how turned on I am by you in a pair of overalls."

"This old thing?!" Alison twirled toward her wife, "Even with all these blue specks all over it?"

Emily intertwined her pointer finger around Alison's right overall strap, "Especially with the specks. Come here."

There was nothing that compared to the feeling of Alison's lips against hers. The way they formed and molded to each other to take in and read every nuance between them in a matter of moments. Rarely aggressive, they never failed to send goosebumps down Emily's side.

Alison quickly released their embrace, much to the chagrin of her wife. She enlaced her fingers with Emily's as she turned her back, beaming with evident pride, "I wanted you to see my progress!"

Walking the three steps to their son's future room, Emily leaned forward to rest her forehead on Alison's back, allowing her to close her eyes for the surprise.

"TADA!" Alison exclaimed, pulling away from her wife as she spun around the mostly empty room and pointed to her handiwork.

"Ah! It looks great so far, Ali… Tell me, why is there only paint on one wa—?"

"Nope, nope, nope." Alison interrupted, "None of your Negative Nancy bullshit. I finished painting a whole wall! No paint on the ceiling or in the weird edge creases! I used way too much tape and maybe too much of the paint we bought, but I did it!"

Emily took a step back to take in the baby blue wall before her, the first step of decorating their son's room before bringing in furniture. Alison walked toward her to look in awe in front of them, as well.

With her back against Emily's front, Alison searched for her wife's arms to wrap them around her from behind, "It's coming together. It's actually happening."

Wanting to fully envelop her wife, Emily reached to her left to set her phone on the small table they had set up in the room for knickknacks before following her wife's lead.

Emily kissed Alison's temple, "Liam's going to be so lucky to have you as a mom. You do so much for us already; I can't imagine how we're going to work as a whole family together."

"You have nothing to worry about." Alison reciprocated, spinning around Emily's arms to be face to face. "Now, I know it says we can't have you spend too much time here because of the paint fumes, but we've always kind of been rulebreakers…"

Alison trailed off as she captured her wife's lips again in hers. The past few months had been a daydream for the couple as they started their walk through the early stages of motherhood simultaneously. They had been filled with delight from the moment they found out that there were viable embryos ready to be implanted during their first round of IVF. Their delight had grown to amazement as they saw that one of their embryos had attached during their first ultrasound. Amazement soon turned to gratitude as they slowly but surely watched their son develop a heartbeat and pronounced features only seen through a screen.

Pregnancy for Emily had been far easier than they had anticipated. Despite some trace amounts of nausea, Emily's primary symptom was purely fatigue. As three naps a day became her norm, Alison grew to take those few hours a day of pause to work around the house, hoping to provide as little stress for her wife as possible. Alison stressed about every minute aspect of Emily's needs and emotions on a day to day basis, so as she brought her wife closer to her for their second kiss, she immediately felt that something was off. As Alison's hand reached to cup the side of Emily's face, she felt small beads of sweat forming just in front of her ear.

"You feeling okay?" she asked, delicately pulling away from their kiss, "You feel clammy."

"Just having those back pains again… Maybe that's making me a little weaker today. I think that maybe I strained something getting up too fast when the doorbell rang during my nap earlier this week. I knew Mom was bringing us all our groceries and didn't want her to be struggling."

Alison's face started to fall as she went into panic mode, "Do you think it was the dinner I cooked last night? Fuck –" she exhaled as she began strutting back toward the kitchen. "I knew that sausage didn't look like it was at 100%."

"Wait. Sweetheart –" Emily attempted to follow after, but the speed of a nearly 6-month pregnant woman paled in comparison to Alison DiLaurentis on a mission.

"Em, I need you to come downstairs and sit. You might have food poisoning; I need to get you some water."

Slowly coming down the stairs, Emily tried to calm down her panicking wife, "I mean, it doesn't feel like food poisoning at all. You remember when we went to that Chilean restaurant, and I ate that meat stew thing? This doesn't feel like that."

"But maybe it's different when you're pregnant. Let's see…" Alison trailed off again as she passed the water to her wife, sitting down next to her while pulling up an article on her phone, "Any vomiting? Are you peeing? Heart racing?" Alison ran through symptoms as Emily shook her head no. "Okay, so we only have a fever. That seems alright."

Alison's anxiety had slowly crept into Emily's head as she replied, "And the pain in the side..."

"Right, right." Alison replied, frantically typing notes in a text message for her mother-in-law, "Anything else weird? Like what about," she paused again looking at the symptoms list, "Blood? Any blood when you use the restroom?"

"Not a lot. It looked like a small blood clot."

"Blood?!" Alison rose out from her seat again, "And you didn't tell me. Oh, God. Okay, I'm going to go to the store and figure out what I need to get for your cramping. I can't believe I served that last night; I knew it."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. It's an honest mistake."

Alison scoffed, "It was a dumb move, Emily. What the hell good will I be with a baby around if I can't even just take care of you?"

"You need to take a break, Al. You're spiraling. Pause and calm down a little bit. It's going to be okay."

"Sometimes I think you forgot that our son is developing directly inside you right now. I can't be the only person worried about your health and Liam's health! This isn't a small issue, Em. You're bleeding."

Emily stood to walk toward their bedroom, "I'm going to have you think about that statement on your way to store. I wasn't looking to start an argument here, in fact, I wasn't even planning on telling you. All of this is fairly typical of pregnancy. I'm gonna go pee, okay. Please go freak out somewhere else."

"Whatever, Em. I don't get why it's so hard for you to just let me take care of you sometimes. I'll be back."

Hearing the door slam behind Alison, Emily sighed on the way to their room. The desire to lie down had hit her fairly suddenly as she stood up quickly to walk away from her increasingly agitated wife. As she reached the bed though, a non-instinctual urge to pee overcame her. Without forewarning or genuine urge, she felt liquid trailing down her leg. Grasping the inside of her pant leg and lifting her palm back to her fact, Emily found traces of blood seeping through her nightclothes. Emily patted her pajama bottoms, searching for her phone. This was potentially bigger than either of them realized, and even if it weren't, Alison would be bound to call at the store asking for her opinion on what random assortment of medicine she should retrieve. As her hands reached her sides though panicking at the apparent lack of stitched pockets, Emily remembered setting it down before Alison thoroughly freaking out. Upstairs.

She sighed as she turned around to head back toward the stairs, slowly starting to feel the fever with increased fervor. As she reached the doorway of her bedroom, a searing pain lurched through her, causing her right knee to attempt to collapse below her.

"Fuck. Maybe Alison was right…" she whispered now yearning to have never let her wife leave the house in the first place without bringing her the only connection she had with the outside world.

The pain in her side started to overtake her as she reached the stairs. No longer reserved for an isolated location, her pain began to creep across her stomach and up and down her abdomen and upper legs. She made it up two steps before the searing pain brought her to her knees, sending her forward in the wrought iron railing that lined the bottom of the Cherrywood steps. And as she slammed her head into the cold black metal, all that rang through her head was the now ironic image of her wife she had been witness to less than 30 minutes before: draped backward over the same banister that was now providing part of her once dream's demise.

* * *

A majority of Emily's adult life's dream had revolved around her wife. It was a cycle that began the December their relationship started. Similarly to her wife, Emily immediately noted a difference in Alison when she opened the door to her apartment that winter morning. There was a glisten in her eyes that Emily had failed to notice in their first eight years of friendship. At first, Emily was convinced that she was imagining the static tension lingering between them. An invisible pull that pulsed in time to their heartbeats. So for the next 24 hours, Emily tracked every touch between them.

She hesitated when Alison's hand grazed hers while passing out plates for dinner that night. She held her breath as their shoulders sat side by side, causing her heart to speed up to a breakneck pace. She jumped at the feel of Alison's palm flush against her thigh as she adjusted her seated position. But Emily surprised herself when at the end of the evening, her hand was the one to reach for Alison's as they lay down together in her bed just before falling asleep.

"Ali…" Emily stuttered over her friend's name. Her nerves a clear sign in her mind that Alison was already having an effect on her.

Alison turned on her side to reply, "Yeah, Em? You alright? You've seemed a little, I don't know, uneasy today?"

The hesitation in Alison's voice let Emily know that her friend had potentially felt her shakiness throughout the day, "I'm just happy I made it through this semester in one piece. But it's good to stop and realize the progress I have made. I guess I just wanted to say thank you for hosting us this weekend."

Her concern was apparent as Alison adjusted her body to further face her friend's. It hadn't been a secret that the past 8 months of Emily's life had been some of her hardest, next to her dad's passing. After crumbling from her heartbreak spawned from Paige's carelessness, Emily had devolved into a shell of herself. Her sweatshirts typically reserved for swimming season became a permanent fixture on her curled and solitary body. Though the breakup took place in June, Emily's desperation for solitude extended far into the remainder of the summer. For the near-decade of friendship they had behind them, it appeared to make no difference as Hanna and Alison attempted to dig Emily from her lengthy depression.

As Emily readjusted to college life that fall, she deeply regretted the infinite memories she had invested in the world swirling around her. She regretted wrapping her arms around Paige's waist as they walked through the Quad's lawn. She regretted the echo that the kisses on Paige's cheek provided as she dropped her off to her first class each morning. She regretted the faint whisper that lingered through every building, telling her that she may never feel at home there again. It's part of the reason Emily stayed at Villanova for her graduate degree. To prove to herself that she could make new, happy memories without the slightest bit of Paige in the recesses of her mind.

The night of their conversation, though, they lay in silence. Simply staring. Taking in the delicate features lying between the subtle nuances of their freckles, dimples, and faint wrinkles on their skin, they had infinite new starting points to discover. Emily watched as Alison's nose crinkled in frustration or anxiety in front of her as she lay on her side. Alison was deep in thought without providing context for the emotions pulsing through her. At the time, Alison may have shrugged them off, but by the next evening, she was deeply aware that the feelings coursing through her veins held an exclusive reservation that Emily must be added to.

When their lips met underneath the glow of the Christmas tree, the tension pulsing between them sent a shock through their systems. It was a realization that understanding and completion potentially stood directly before them. There was a promise between lips that if spoken, would be intrinsically linked beyond what they deemed feasible. Without understanding the full scope of their future, both Alison and Emily clung to their single kiss as a lifeboat among the rest of a world they didn't fully understand.

Their relationship grew to be idealistic in some ways as they clung to a life around them that mimicked what they knew as much as possible. Provided that they worked as a team, solved problems with the guidance of elders they trusted, found individual successes, and collectively yearned for progress side by side, it didn't matter that their relationship failed to fit a mold established by society around them. They weren't the rule. They were the exception to it.

Their relationship always would be.

* * *

Emily's fade back into reality was unwelcomed. Not only from the pain still coursing through her but because of the pained look of her mother in front of her as she exasperatedly rambled through the phone.

"-ambulance immediately. My daughter-in-law was worried about her wife, and I showed up here to check on my daughter and found her lying passed out at the bottom of the stairs. There's a hell of a cut on her forehead from falling, I guess. She's waking up and breathing, but I think she's having a miscarriage. Blood is starting to pool around her. Yeah, she is. Emmy? Can you hear me? They're on their way. I got here about 10 minutes after getting my daughter-in-law's text, so no more than that? I'm not sure. She was at the store and couldn't reach her, I think. I'm sorry I don't have more info. Please just say you're on the way. Please."

Emily felt herself sinking into the floor below her from the breadth of her pain. She faded in and out of the world around her as her mother stayed on the phone until emergency services arrived with a gurney, sending bright light into Emily's retracted pupils.

"Name?" the paramedic asked her mother.

"Emily… Emily Fields."

"Ms. Fields? Can you hear me?" The shock of the lights sent an involuntary nod into her living room. "Great. Ms. Fields, do you remember how many months pregnant you were?"

Were.

The phrasing was unmistakable. Though she couldn't will her eyes to open or force her mouth to speak, she knew the scene unfolding around her. She was unable to see the blood, but she could feel the heaviness beneath her. Emily may not have known much about the chaos swirling in her home. But she did know that compared to when she collapsed, she now felt empty.

"Six." she muttered as she felt herself being rolled to the ambulance outside, "Mom?"

"Yes, Emmy." Her mom's breathless voice spoke from her left.

"My phone. Upstairs."

"Right, okay. Will she be alright riding by herself? I can always meet you all in the Emergency Room. I think I need to have a car with me."

"Yes, ma'am. We need to rush her to get her stable. Until we can get true vitals, we don't know how much blood she lost."

She heard doors slam near her feet as they sped away from her home. Steady but elevated voices spoke around her. A new voice was now present. A female. She talked to her in a way that spoke understanding.

"Emily? Ms. Fields? We need you to stay awake for us. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Breaking through the darkness, her eyes reached the enclosed cabin around her in a panic, sending her breathing higher than previously.

"You're doing great, Emily. You have a nasty cut on your head that might be making it hard for you to concentrate right now, but we need you to stay with us, okay? I see you have a ring on your hand. Are you married or engaged? Talk to me."

"Married. Alison." Though her voice faded, her grip tightened on the side of the gurney around her. "Does my wife know I'm here? Where is she?"

"Ms. Fields, I'm sure she is being contacted, but she is not here right now. Focus on me. How long have you been together?"

"Since the end of college. Am I okay?"

"We're hoping so ma'am. I'm going to be honest with you; you've lost a lot of blood. You're fortunate that your mother showed up when she did."  
"I need to call her. She has to know that we lost our son." Her eyes were wide and pleading and desperate.

"We need to get you stable first, Emily. But I promise you, we will make sure she's been called when we get to the hospital. It's going to be okay."

"Okay…"

_Present Day_

But nothing from that day was okay. Alison would be called. Twice, in fact. And those two phone calls sent an even further spiraling of events into play.

All of it felt inescapable as Emily curled her knees further into her chest outside of her daughter's bedroom door. She gasped for air, thinking about the effect she had on each and every event that occurred three and a half years earlier. She gasped for air, thinking about the impact she had on each and every event occurring now. Retracing her memories, Emily could only ever make it so far before she forced herself to stop or was sabotaged by her own broken puzzle pieces that collapsed when held too long or with too much force.

"Em?" she heard a whisper from above her as she peered up to make eye contact with her wife, "What the hell?"

"Sorry." She panicked, immediately wiping her eyes to retract back into her impenetrable shell, "I heard a thud downstairs and thought it was Liv. So I came up here to check and found you instead. Sorry, I should've just left it." Scrambling for the stairs, she was stopped by Alison's hand on her shoulder.

"Wait. You were listening?" she rhetorically asked into the darkness as Emily emphatically nodded, "Then why are you crying? We were just bonding, Em."

"I ruined your dreams. I ruined our dreams. I ruined all of it. Just let me –" Emily attempted to escape down the stairs again before feeling the force of her wife's pull back toward her embrace.

"Come here." Alison stated firmly, wrapping her arms around Emily in a hug, "I know this is hard for both of us. It's okay. I may not like you right now, but I'm not going to let you run off alone when you're sobbing outside of Olivia's room. What's wrong?"

Emily could feel Alison's heartbeat as her face lay on her chest.

"No. I can't do this, Al." she pushed off of Alison's chest to walk to the other side of the upstairs hallway.

"Can't do what?"

"This! Look around. Alison, every loss in my adult life has happened right fucking here. In the 20 steps it takes to get from his room to the bottom of the stairs. I walk through these memories every day, and I can't do it. I can't be haunted by losing Liam at the bottom of the staircase and losing you when Maya and I first kissed outside of Liv's bedroom and losing myself every step between. I can't think back to July 2015 every time I see you, Al. I have to move on. I have to get past it, and I feel like I'm permanently in quicksand that I can't escape from. If I move through my life in a daze, just slowly enough that I'm not disturbing the peace, I'm okay. I won't sink. But the moment I have an ounce of worry or anxiety or god forbid think about the pain internally and externally that I felt losing Liam, I lose all of my footings. I can't move anywhere. I have to succumb to the world collapsing around me, and that's not fair to me."

As Emily spoke, Alison ambled toward her, "I'm trying to follow, babe. You're going through things I don't even know if I can comprehend. What are you getting at? Talk to me."

And with three words, Emily was back in that ambulance. _'Are you married or engaged? Talk to me.'_ Every memory intrinsically linked. Every word a connection to the past she didn't want to relive.

"Every fucking thing that happens in this place sends me back to a memory I'd rather forget. I know it doesn't make sense, and I don't know what the next steps are Al, but I can't live here anymore."

Emily paused, looking around at the home her and Alison hand-selected to raise a family. But now all the parts they initially loved about it, only reminded her of the trauma she couldn't change. The vaulted ceilings now seemed too high, and instead of making Emily feel protected, made her feel unsure. The dark interior that once enriched their style and taste were now made her feel further trapped in a hole. The front yard meant to house their growing family would forever feel empty, knowing that Liam would never be able to experience it. The house was no longer a dream home; it was hollow. A void whose empty space Emily couldn't picture ever being filled again.

"I'm sorry, Ali. But I think I have to move out…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There we go. Emily's at a breaking point, though we don't know if anything at Maya's yet sparked it. And I did see quite a few reviews waiting for Emily and Alison to be fully talking about everything going on, but you all have quite a few more things to be filled in on before all of that goes down! See you all on Thursday!
> 
> Please submit any predictions and of course, any and all feedback is welcome. Thank you for reading and for your support.
> 
> Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.
> 
> All my love,
> 
> secretpen28


	10. Need I Remind You

For Maya St. Germain, all of the chaos around her came from a series of misunderstandings. At least that's what she told herself. From the first time her eyes connected with Emily's in high school, she knew how she wanted her story to end. She knew that the feeling of Emily's arms wrapped around her would be all she would desire to keep her safe in a world that had been nothing but unpredictable.

Maya and her mother moved to Rosewood the summer before 10th grade as a way to put a flimsy piece of tape on a crumbling year. The years-long custody battle between her mother and father left charred memories of her childhood in their wake. The only way her mother saw a way out was to move across country. Away from any reminder of their past. She met Emily the moment she stepped out of her mother's SUV, looking across the street to see her neighbor casually assisting her mom with the yard work. Maya was unsure if it was the way Emily's long brown hair in that ponytail swung effortlessly on her back, the movement of her hips as she danced without concern while mowing the lawn, or the way her smile was laced with pure intent as their eyes met, but Maya was entranced.

From the beginning, Maya led the way. It wasn't that she had intended to be domineering or overbearing in their relationship. But as Emily's first girlfriend, she found herself taking more of a front seat. They had first bonded over not having their fathers present in their lives. Sure, Emily's dad was deployed overseas, and Maya's was just an asshole, but they latched onto each other because they had limited guidance anywhere else. All Emily wanted was for someone to take care of her without the fear of loss or abandonment surrounding her father's military career, and all Maya wanted was to feel some sort of control over a life that felt uncontrollable. And because of that control, she began obsessing over habits that came naturally to their relationship.

The way Emily always kissed her cheek when they'd gone more than a few hours without seeing each other.

How, when hanging up the phone at night, the phone call always ended, "I love you." "I love you more." "I love you most."

Knowing that if it was before bedtime, Emily responded to her texts quickly so that Maya consistently felt reassured that she would always be there.

So five months into the relationship when Emily neglected to reply to Maya's texts as prompt as usual, she more than a little freaked out. Eighteen missed calls and forty-seven texts later, Maya heard her phone ring.

"My, are you okay? What's wrong?" Emily questioned as she could hear Maya gasping for air out of anxiety.

"You're asking me what's wrong? The fuck is wrong with you, Emily? It's been 25 minutes."

"I was taking a shower… I called you as soon as I saw my phone on the counter blowing up." Maya scoffed on the line, "Um. I'm really confused over here; I don't know what the problem is, and we've never fought before. Help me out." Emily was panicked.

"You've never gone more than 15 minutes without texting me, and now you're trying to tell me that you couldn't hear your phone ringing from your bathroom counter?"

"Yes…" Emily's voice wavered, utterly unsure of where this conversation was headed.

"I don't believe that," Maya stated it plainly and without hesitation.

"Maya, I don't get where this is coming from. I've never given you a reason to doubt me before. I mean, I just had the radio on and didn't hear it. It's really not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal? I sat here worried sick about you for almost half an hour. You could have been doing anything!"

Emily's voice was slowly lowering in intensity from not fully understanding how serious Maya had been from the start of this conversation, "Okay… but I was in the shower. You get that, right?"

"You never said that! How was I supposed to know that I shouldn't be freaking out over here that my girlfriend is in danger or with someone else!"

"Woah, woah, woah. Maya. Listen to yourself. I'm okay; I was in the shower. You're blowing this out of proportion. Do you want me to… text you next time I'm in the shower?"

"Don't make me out to be an idiot, Emily. I'm so sorry that I'm worried about the love of my life! I'm just trying to protect you. If you can't see that, maybe we need to take a break."

"Wait, no. No, we don't need to break up from this. I appreciate the protection, okay? I want you to be protective of me. I'm sorry. I should've told you what I was doing." More than she would've liked to admit it, Maya smirked on the other end of the phone, listening to her girlfriend backtrack.

"Sorry, Em. I think I just need to think about things for a few days. I love you."

"I love you more."

It wasn't that Maya enjoyed being a bitch. She saw her mother walked over by her father the majority of her life, so all she wanted was her girlfriend to respect her wishes for their relationship. No matter the cost.

Maya remained dedicated to Emily over the next year, even as Emily continuously failed to meet her ever-growing list of unspoken rules. She knew that Emily couldn't always be perfect and in her mind, gave her chance after chance to prove to Maya that their love superseded anything else, which Maya knew to be true for much of the time they were together. Until Emily's dad came home.

Maya loved seeing Emily happy to have her dad back from deployment. There is a love that palpably exists between father and daughter that Maya sensed desperately between them. It was a love she once sensed herself. Though she knew it to be improbable, part of Maya believed that Emily's love for her dimmed the day her father returned. That Emily only loved her in the meantime, and her place was no longer needed. She yearned for belonging. She searched for a way to look in Emily's eyes and feel that same love again. She prayed for a difference.

Less than a week later, Emily's dad suffered a heart attack. Three clogged arteries sent his heart into an unstable state, which made him go into heart failure when given the anesthesia for surgery. Hoping his heart would become strong enough again to pump by itself, the doctors connected him to a ventricular assist device that pumped his blood for him. Unfortunately, with the added stress from his job and the lengthy waiting list for heart transplants, his heart gave out within the month.

She knew the girls called her every name in the book when she relatively abandoned Emily while her dad was in the hospital. She knew that she had been expected to take shifts to be with her girlfriend so that Emily would never be alone at night. But after that first week, Maya didn't have it in her to stay. If she had taken the time to really sit with how she was feeling, Maya never would have continued to believe that Emily's dad's heart failure had anything to do with her desire to have her girlfriend fully back with her. But without the introspection, all Maya could do those two nights she was in the hospital was sob. She stared at the nearly lifeless Mr. Fields before her and felt pangs of hopelessness travel through every fragment of her bones. She also watched Emily's face devolve into a picture she couldn't recognize. The dimming Maya had seen in Emily's eyes the week before was nothing compared to the void lying just behind her mocha brown pupils. Even with the tender kisses they shared, the tight squeezes between their hands, and the support Maya so wished to pass on to her girlfriend, she knew their relationship would never be the same. Not only because Emily would never look at Maya the same again, but because of Maya's guilt, she would never be able to look at Emily the same either.

So she left. Things with her mother had begun to dissolve into mayhem, as Maya started to realize that her parents' issues didn't come from her father alone. So just as her mother had previously taught her, she ran away from her problems. Back across the country. Back to the only other place she had felt belonging before.

Maya and her mom reconnected 6 years later in 2016 after her mom's years of seeking treatment for the mental health issues that plagued her home long before she realized. As she reached the hallowed walls of Rosewood once again, Maya couldn't help but wonder how Emily's life had progressed and evolved since she left. More than anything, she wondered how the hell she would find out how Emily was in the first place, that is, if she still even lived in Rosewood at all. That question was more than answered though with a quick walk in the main square as from a distance, she saw a newspaper holder with Alison DiLaurentis' face plastered on the front cover.

"A Wife's Fall From Grace" "The Trial of the Decade" "Rosewood Takes Its Place on the Map for All The Wrong Reasons"

Title after title. Expose after expose. News report after news report covering the demise of Alison DiLaurentis and her wife, Emily Fields. To say Maya was intrigued would have been an understatement. To begin with, the fact Alison was into women was a headline in and of itself. But with everything Alison said to Maya in their last conversation, she was surprised Emily wanted anything to do with her. She could only chalk it up to another web spun by Alison in which Maya had deftly been trapped.

Despite how Maya assumed it appeared, she never sought out Emily directly. Them bumping into each other weeks before Alison was to turn herself in was just a moment of what Maya believed to be divine intervention. She attempted to appear shocked that Emily was still in town, but was even more taken aback by the protruding baby bump beginning to make its appearance through Emily's form-fitting shirt. Cordiality was never her strong suit, causing Emily to leave the conversation with more questions than answers because even with the trauma of losing her dad masking much of her and Maya's relationship, Emily knew that Maya St. Germain never completes any task without intention. Which is why Emily didn't even bother bringing up their interaction with her wife. Maya was inconsequential, and with Alison's jail term upcoming, their hearts and minds were focused on being prepared for their new little one and their time apart.

Maya had followed the trial directly though and saw the divots in Alison's inconsistent testimony. She had been watched her outbursts on-screen in court that most likely lead to her demise. She had even agreed with the jury on the guilty verdict and stomped in relative fury that she had only been sentenced to 7 years for her crime. Accident or not, Maya genuinely believed that Alison had neglected to change from the self-centered, egotistical, raging bitch she was in high school, and just as she had done back then, it was Maya's job to protect Emily no matter what.

She had no real plan because the last thing Maya wanted to do was interfere. So she began working on herself from afar. And in another moment of divine intervention, a year to the day after she began attending, Emily Fields walked into her boot camp. Flirting between them came naturally due to their previous relationship, but it took until nearly the middle of summer before becoming something more crossed Maya's lips. It had started one night when they got too drunk for Maya to drive herself home and slept on the couch. Olivia had become increasingly agitated throughout the night, and even in Maya's lapsing slumber, she could hear Emily's constant and ever-present checking of her daughter up and down the staircase behind her head. But early that next morning, Maya realized that she had never heard Emily come back down the stairs after the umpteenth time checking on Liv. Climbing the stairs hesitantly, Maya found Emily curled up on the floor beneath her daughter's crib, heaving quietly as Olivia whimpered above her.

"Emily? Are you alright in here?" she questioned from outside the room, not wanting to make Emily self-conscious.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. One second, My." From the hallway Maya could hear Emily standing to adjust herself from 10 feet away before stepping out awkwardly to meet her in front of her daughter's bedroom door, "Sorry about that," She murmured, adjusting her hair to look less disheveled from being pressed against the carpet much of the early morning, "Livvy just had a bad night. It happens." She shrugged.

"Okay…" Maya attempted to play along, "But I asked how you were, Em. You're always thinking about others. How are you?" She asked sincerely, reaching out with her hand nearest the wall to grasp part of Emily's hand in hers.

Emily nodded sullenly in reply, tucking her head into her chest to try and hide the tears slipping from her typically tough exterior, "I guess I just thought I could do this alone, but it was dumb of me to think that. Of course, this shit is hard. I hate that I can't be everything Olivia needs me to be, and I hate having to be strong for everyone all the time. I can't change the past, but I just wish I could have time to breathe a little bit, you know?"

Maya took a step forward, finally seeing her opening, "Yeah, Emily. I understand all of that, and it's so incredibly valid. I just want you to know that you got part of it wrong."

"What?" Emily looked up, desiring to be corrected in her perception of reality.

"You don't have to be strong for me." And without second-guessing it, Maya swiftly captured her ex-girlfriend's lips in hers. She had missed the feeling of standing on her tiptoes. She had missed the way Emily's hands instinctually went for her waist. She had missed tucking Emily's hair behind her ears mid-embrace. She had missed the world falling away around her as if being brought back into a past she never thought she'd get back.

* * *

"I think you can piece together everything that happened after that." Maya St. Germain firmly declared from the comfort of her dining room table.

Alison DiLaurentis sat across from her dumbfounded with water in hand. "I guess I appreciate the candor, Maya, but all I asked was, 'How did we get to this point?'. It was relatively facetious considering you are engaged to my wife, but that history lesson really helped me fill in all the blanks." Sarcasm dripped from her pores as she questioned every intent of the woman sitting across from her.

Silence filled the room as they stared at each other. Alison knew she needed to clear the air with Maya after finding her wife crumpled outside of their daughter's door only by hearing Alison discuss her dreams for Olivia. Emily's pain extended farther than Alison could comprehend because she missed nearly two years of her wife's life. Maya was the only person that could fill in close to a year of that gap. So despite the deep-seated disdain held in her heart, Alison knocked on Maya's door that afternoon, seeking answers that she didn't even know if Maya would answer for her.

"Look, Maya. I'm not here to argue. I have plenty of issues with you; we know this and certainly don't need to rehash it, but I'm here for Emily."

"You don't need to be…" Maya muttered.

"What was that?"

"You don't need to be here for Emily anymore. I'm here."

Maya spoke with confidence, but Alison could sense the uncertainty behind her words. She knew that she still scared her and needed to walk a tightrope to ensure that Maya felt a step ahead even in the moments she was falling behind. But Alison had to remain calm and in control.

"I think you're missing the fact that we share a child, Maya. You're missing the fact that after you left Emily in high school, we continued building a relationship. It's up to Emily when it comes to how she wants to deal with this actually unbelievable situation that exists between us. But even if she decided to end our marriage to pursue things with you now, I would still be here for Emily. As her daughter's mother. As her ex-wife. As her best friend. I'm here to move forward together so that we can then take a step back as Emily decides what the hell she wants with her life right now."

"Then, I have a question for you, Ali." Maya paused, trying to frame the sentence correctly, "Do you think her talking to all of her high school friends is really going to help with the present?"

* * *

Emily was already seated at a six-top table as her girlfriends began trickling in. Off-topic conversation soon began to filter through as they waited for everyone to arrive. Hanna, late as usual, busted through the front door about 10 minutes after the scheduled meeting time, deep concern on her face as she looked around the table.

"Well damn, it's a hell of a surprise that I'm here before Ali is."

Aria laughed uncomfortably, "That's all you're surprised about?"

"The fuck is she talking about?" Hanna backtracked, sitting down cautiously as she waited for her best friends to answer.

"Yeah, Em. Why don't you tell her 'the fuck' you're talking about before I do it for you." Aria sat back in her chair content at the disarray she had caused moments into the conversation.

Spencer began talking a mile a minute in attempts to fill in the awkward gaps in their conversation, "Yeah, I thought we were here to celebrate you and Ali being reunited. Is she coming later? Are we planning a surprise welcome home party? I've seen each of you separately since she got back home, so I was kind of looking forward to –"

Emily cleared her throat. It had taken her over a week to build up the courage to text her friends to set up a time in person to speak to them about everything going on in her life. She had told them she was doing well. She had said she was content. She had told them the bare minimum so that she might never have to face the conversation she was walking toward.

"There's no easy way to say this, but… well – I mean, I know that you all know Alison and I went through a legal separation while she was serving her sentence, right?"

"Of course. But Emily, we already discussed how even legal separations are temporary. They're so easy to remove now that she's home. Here, let me give you my mom's number she can –"

Aria scoffed before smiling, "I'd hold off on the favors right now, Spence."

"Are you enjoy this in some sick way, Ar? She is your sister-in-law." Hanna judgingly interrupted.

"No, it's okay, guys. Her anger toward me is deserved, and I'll answer anything you need me to, but for the foreseeable future, Alison and I definitely won't be getting back together." She paused again to rub the back of her neck, "In fact, I'm getting married."

The nearly empty cold brew in Hanna's hand fell through her grasp onto the table, causing the plastic lip to snap off and leaking all over the counter in front of them. As Aria quickly retreated to grab napkins, Spencer continued for the group. "As in you and Ali are renewing your vows?"

"No. Not exactly. I met someone else while she was away."

"You're getting married? To someone else? Then that's not really a 'not exactly' sort of situation there, Em. What the fuck are you talking about? Do you even know whose relationship you're discussing here? This is you and Alison, babe. She's the love of your life."

"Is she, though?" Emily interjected. "If that were even true, how would it then be possible to fall in love with someone else?"

Hanna, still multiple steps behind the conversation, began talking through Emily's ending question, "How is this even possible? Spencer, this is illegal, right?"

"Not illegal but highly unethical. Especially for you, Em…" Spencer's voice faded as she met Emily's eyes, seeing the apparent pain lying behind them. "Sorry, maybe we don't get it. Tell us more." Spencer attempted to calm down the conversation in hopes that Emily would provide more context for not telling her best friends ahead of Alison returning home.

"Well, I don't really know how to explain it." She smiled, turning red at the thought of her new love, "You never really know how these things are going to happen. I mean, you guys know that I never meant to fall in love with Maya after everything that happened between all of us, but the more time I spent with her, I –"

"What. The. Fuck." Hanna stopped the entire conversation with her interruption, "Are we being fucking Punk'd?" She stood, looking visibly worried around the restaurant, slowly raising her voice as she proceeded, "Alison? Where are you? Look, babe, I know we haven't been able to see each other in a year, but this is no way to introduce yourself. You're pranking us, right, Al? This is all just one big elaborate sch-" she stopped as soon as she made eye contact with Aria, who was disappointingly shaking her head.

"Hanna, sit down. We don't need another one of us making a fool out of ourselves." Aria retorted, glaring at Emily as she finished her statement.

"So, you knew?"

"Only because I was here a week and a half ago at the same fucking table as Alison ran out of here sobbing with Jase and me."

The table returned to silence as the girls' eyes slowly paced between each of them, hesitant to linger on one person's confusion for too long.

"So you're engaged? To Maya? Our Maya? The same Maya that left you in a hospital alone three days before your dad died?

"Look. I get that you all are in shock and upset and don't get it. I don't blame you, but I'm not going to spend my time trying to get your approval. We're happy. I'm happy. I would just hope that in time, you'll come to accept it. Alison and I both are willing to move forward. Together, but separately."

"Is that what she told you?"

"Let her talk, Ar." Hanna paused, placing her hand on Aria's arm, "If they're both okay with it, we have to be too."

"Hanna? Spencer? In what delusional world would Alison, our Alison, be okay with this? Alison came home from the hardest 2 years of her life only to find that the worst of it was taking place behind her back. She walked through her front door, and the love of her fucking life was wearing a different wedding ring. It's not okay. Emily, this will never be okay." Aria replied, keeping a hushed tone that progressively grew more aggressive.

"But you know as much as the rest of us do that people fall out of love. Look at my parents, or yours, or Spencer and Toby, or Aria and Ezra. Not everything lasts forever." Hanna attempted to rationalize the sledgehammer thrown into their friendship.

"You know that's bullshit, Hanna. The three of us have seen time and time again that there is no one better for Emily and vice versa; we can't sit idly by as Emily clambers for her past because shit got too hard."

"You do know that I'm right here?" Emily interjected.

But Aria kept talking, bypassing any words being said by her best friend, "I know I haven't been in town as much as I should've been, but the last time we were all together before the trial. Go back there and try to tell me that there is anyone that could light a match to how much Ali and Em love each other."

"The baby shower?" Spencer questioned.

"Awh. The shower. I loved that day." Hanna reminisced.

"Guys. Guys, please don't. I don't want to think about –"

"Shhh…" Aria quieted Emily reaching out with a reassuring hand as all of the girls reached into the recesses of their memories back to the last time they, as a group, felt whole.

* * *

_June 2015_

_The duty of host had been ingrained into Spencer Hastings from an early age. The essential checklist of any party ran through her head as smoothly as the ABC's: guest list, to-do list, shopping list, budget, date, time, location, theme, invitations (handwritten preferred), decorations, party favors, develop menu with caterers, games, photo wall, playlist, plan parking, host like hell._

_So as guests began arriving a few minutes early for Alison and Emily's baby shower, Spencer had already been yawning against the counter fully prepared yet not wanting to crinkle her recently dry cleaned look. Though appearing calm on the outside, Spencer grew increasingly anxiously internally as the date of the party became closer as this was the first baby shower she had been tasked to host. The first baby of the group deserved only the best, so she was reassured by the gasps that escaped Emily and Alison's mouths as she opened the front door._

_The expecting couple walked in entranced as Alison lifted Emily's hand to her lips, placing a delicate and lingering kiss on the back of her hand as a silent whisper of 'I love you.' Emily quickly stepped forward to wrap Spencer in a hug to show her appreciation._

_"You are unbelievable; we said to keep it small!"_

_"Yeah, Spence. What the fuck is all this?"_

_Alison and Emily remained side by side as they walked through Spencer's transformed living room and backyard dressed to the nines. From the photo booth to the elaborately spelled out 'L I A M' letters along the back wall to the extended catering being set up outside by the pool to the full bar set-up along with a bartender, this meant to be intimate baby shower was set up to be a full-blown affair._

_"Really, this feels like too much," Emily whispered to her wife after taking the event in completely._

_They turned toward each other as Alison wrapped her hands around her wife's waist, "We knew she would go a little overboard though, love. Embrace it, okay? You deserve this more than anyone." She leaned forward to plant a small kiss to the left of Emily's lips, "Let us shower you with love today."_

_Emily's tension soon faded as other guests began to arrive, and everyone settled in to celebrate the bundle of joy coming in the fall. Just before the start of lunch, Spencer passed around champagne for toasts to begin for the couple and their son._

_Alison turned to adjust her dress as the first waiter came by to drop off the filled glasses. She leaned Emily's direction, closing her eyes to whisper loving messages in her wife's ear as the second waiter passed, and she left to use the restroom as she spotted the third across the room. But as she returned to her spot, she noticed Emily with two glasses in her hand._

_"Here, babe." Emily offered nonchalantly._

_"No, thanks. There's no need for me to have this right now."_

_Emily wrapped her arm around Alison's waist, "They're toasting us, beautiful. It's just for pictures, okay? Hell, the pregnant woman is holding a glass too. It's okay."_

_Alison subconsciously gulped as she pulled the glass from Emily's hand, lightly setting her other hand on her hip on top of her wife's. They curled into each other as people around the room began bestowing their best wishes on the couple. After a quarter of an hour, it was finally Alison's turn to speak._

_Taking a swig of the champagne before she began, Alison looked deeply into her wife's eyes to find reassurance, "As I look around, today's celebration captures just a fragment of the beautiful life I am so lucky to lead. When I married my best friend half a year ago, I could never have dreamed that in such a short amount of time, there would be another day in our lives that meant as much or felt as surreal. The biggest blessing of today, though, is that I can actually process everything as its coming at me because, and Em can tell you, our wedding went by far too fast for my brain to realize what was happening. But I'll be damned if every day since hasn't been better than the last. Every day I wake up and see the woman to my right. I see her and know that she is my today. I know that she is my tomorrow. And just as I daily choose to place her first, she chooses me. We come here together today to celebrate with you all just as you did 6 months ago to watch us make another commitment, to Liam. William Charles DiLaurentis-Fields. I can't wait to add him to the list of choices I make daily._

_To Spencer, thank you for today. For using your talents and connections for a cause directly benefiting us is pretty badass. Thank you._

_To Pam, may we be half the mother you are, and may your grandson be half the man your husband was. We have a lot to live up to, but can't wait to follow your lead, if that's cool._

_To all of you, we appreciate you from the bottom of our hearts for coming to celebrate my wife and our son. We are blessed to have such a tremendous group of role models for Liam to grow up around._

_To my wife, Emmy. Watching you walk down the aisle was a highlight of my life, but being by your side daily is the dream of my life. You are everything I searched for. You are all that I pray for at night. And now, we are making another one of our dreams come true. I'm so honored to be your wife, and can't wait to spend the rest of my life choosing you, choosing our love, and choosing forever. You are remarkable. I love you."_

* * *

"That's what you're giving up, Emily. You're giving up a woman who chose you every single step of the way, and you're giving her up for a woman who, when shit got too hard years ago, walked away without a second thought. Even if Ali has told you she will move forward from this and has determined to be the bigger person in this entire fiasco, I refuse to accept it. I refuse to accept Maya. I will love you, but this choice your making right now has to be coming from something much deeper, Em. Because there is no way in hell that you are giving up on a once in a lifetime love for whatever you consider this engagement to be. I'm sorry."

"Well damn, Aria. You wanna tell us how you really feel? Emil –"

"No." Emily stated harshly, "Just shut the fuck up for a second, guys. Please. My head is spinning. I have to go."

"Wait, we don't have to talk about this anymore. Can we discuss Liv or Christmas plans? Anything else?"

"I only came here to clear my conscious because I felt like shit lying to you guys this year, but if all I'm going to get is shit right back, I'm going home. I didn't come here for berating or harping, and wouldn't you fucking know it? I didn't come for your questions either. If –"

* * *

"– If we keep going back and forth with questions, Maya, we'll never get anything accomplished." Alison cut in, "I'm here for two reasons: the first being to get your side of what Emily experienced while I was gone, and seek your blessing for me to take Emily out next Wednesday. I know it's your usual date night, but it is our anniversary. Emily already said she was willing to go, but that she wanted to make sure you were okay with it. And trust me, I blatantly see the double standard being given here. Figured you deserved to be given some respect, though, as I was provided none when this whole ordeal was the other way around."

"I guess I can give up one Wednesday," Maya replied without meeting Alison's gaze.

"Thank you. We have a lot to catch up on, and I think we've been sidetracked in talking about everything that happened before my sentence. I really do appreciate your understanding."

"Oh, please don't be confused. Just because it's okay for you to take her dinner does not mean I like it or that I even approve of it. If I say no, I look like the bad guy. It'll be used as a bargaining chip in your sorry attempt to prove whatever it is you're still holding on to."

The figurative knives stabbing into Alison repeatedly caused incremental splinters up and down her spine, through the backbone of the relationship Emily and she worked years to build. A backbone tore down in less than a year by the woman in front of her. It took everything within Alison to not reach across the 2 feet between them and pummel her to a pulp, but just as Maya didn't want a perceived "bargaining chip" used against her, neither did Ali.

"Understood." Alison paused, collecting her things, "Sorry for being brief, but I really would rather be anywhere else other than here right now. I already sat through your real-life "Tale of Desperaux" or whatever the fuck, but I'm good with having your permission for next week. Thanks again."

As Alison was approaching the front door, Maya interjected, "I do have one question for you, though. You know, out of intrigue." Alison turned back around to face her, "In what world would you two have 'things' to catch up on from before your sentence? You were together every second before you went in there."

Alison sighed, "More has just come to light since we came back home that we danced around some topics because of the severity of my trial. It overshadowed a lot that neither of us realized until I got back. So it's working out stuff about signs of our separation before it happened like how we dealt with the aftermath of the accident, losing Liam, my hospitalization, all that shit. It's a heavy burden we both carried for years while apart and I just think –"

"Woah. Woah. Woah. Rewind. Who the fuck is Liam?"

In that one question, everything that Alison built up Emily and Maya's relationship to be fell to the wayside. It didn't matter that Maya lost her breath the first time she saw Emily. It didn't matter that she was her first love or that they built a foundational relationship that impacted Maya to her core. Maya's apology to Emily for leaving her side all those years ago after they got together didn't matter either. Days earlier, when Emily said that every memory in their home was one she'd rather forget, she meant it. She meant that her every desire was to never be reminded of the loss that plagued her life.

Forgiving Maya meant the potential that she never lost her father in the first place.

Dating Maya meant covering up losing her wife to a prison sentence she didn't deserve.

Moving forward with Maya meant leaving the loss of her father, her wife, and her son behind her.

The entire time she had been home, Alison linked Emily's engagement with their divorce. She linked Emily loving Maya with hating her. When in reality, falling in love with Maya hadn't at all meant that Emily fell out of love with Alison. She had only separated herself from the loss she could no longer possess.

And now, Alison held the biggest bargaining chip of all. She stared at Maya after hearing her question before shaking her head and turning to walk out the door without giving her an answer. Alison had come to Maya's for the answer to two questions, but she was leaving with nearly every answer in the book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--
> 
> A/N: This was a crazy chapter to write so I really hope that it comes out as clear to me as I pictured it in my head. Coming up next is the 2nd full fledged conversation with Emily and Alison after they both have been shaken up. Can't wait to share it with you all on Sunday!
> 
> As always. Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> Until the next one,
> 
> secretpen28


	11. Boulevard of Broken Dreams

**WARNING: This chapter does deal with mental health and trauma.**

* * *

The lump in Emily's throat settled before she had even stepped foot out of the restaurant. She hadn't expected for lunch to go well, but she also hadn't prepared herself for the past being shoved her face. Aria was bound to have loyalty to Alison that extended past any ill-intent on Emily's part, but she had planned on Hanna and Spencer remaining relatively impartial. It was her life, and she could make decisions independent of the three of them. At least that's what Maya had told her the first time Emily brought up her concern with telling the girls.

Emily attempted to cough and swallow to get the sickening feeling from her throat, but nothing would fix the emptiness she felt from the neck down. From her purse in the passenger's seat, her phone began to ring. It sent shivers down her spine, and she shook her head. Answering the phone now could only lead to more pain and uncertainty. She had learned from the past. Her emotions had to be in check before she reached home in case Alison was there.

As the cracks in the pavement rattled Emily's car, she couldn't help but feel the same rattle in her chest after reflecting on Liam's baby shower. Alison had always been gifted with words. She had an innate ability to connect to loose ends of others through pen and paper. Emily traced Alison's vulnerability to the lack of chances she was able to take a child. The uneven ground she stood on for so long gave way to the perfect sounding board once Emily had given her a safe and secure place to land. As soon as she trusted the world around her, Alison began opening up to Emily like she never had before. It led to love letter after love letter, countless impromptu outpourings of her emotions on any given day, and the speech given at that baby shower. Emily never felt as deserving as Alison believed her to be and always struggled to repay Alison's directness in kind. It's why as soon as they reflected back to the shower, that Emily could only think about their wedding day.

"Alison? Are you here?" Emily hesitantly asked into the empty house as she walked through the back door a few minutes later.

The silence was a welcomed surprise that gave Emily more comfort than she had initially expected. She knew that the quickest way to escape from the uncertainty still lingering in her esophagus was to address the issue head-on. So she paced to her closet and raised herself onto her tiptoes to grab the non-descript box off the top shelf. Sitting down, Emily crisscrossed her legs, tucking her feet tightly beneath the creases of her knees for comfort. Raising the lid, Emily inhaled, and for the first time in over half an hour, the lump in her throat faded.

Beneath the layers of congratulations cards and little trinkets from that day, Emily caught a glimpse of the medium-sized photo lying in its frame at the bottom of the box. Removing everything on top carefully, she marveled at the black and white beauty in front of her. Emily and Alison stood facing each other as Emily's veil blew softly in the wind behind her. Alison's blonde hair was wrapped in a low bun while their faces were mere inches from each other. Her eyes traced down the photo to Alison's hands lightly pressed against Emily's neck to cup her face just between her thumbs, while Emily's palms held her newly-wedded wife's rib cage, clinging to the bare skin exposed from her scoop-backed gown. Their eyes were closed calmly as they leaned toward each other for a kiss. Emily could just make out a faint dimple forming on Alison's left cheek as she smiled inching forward. More than happy, they appeared content and at ease as their wedding party danced around them.

She placed the photo back in the box as she reached for the folded up and crinkled lined paper next to her, wanting to stay in the emotion desperately sought from the time she left her friends at lunch. Emily started working on her vows the day after Alison proposed. She had never been blessed with speaking her mind mostly because, at home, anyone speaking their mind was grossly unappreciated. Emily knew that Alison would have the words needed for their vows on the tip of her tongue, while Emily needed to dig deep to thoroughly give Alison the ceremony she deserved. As undeserving as Emily had previously felt under Alison's verbal poetry, she knew that Alison would carry Emily's vows with her through everything in their relationship. So she was dedicated to making them worthwhile. For her.

* * *

_My darling Alison,_

_Since the day you opened your apartment door almost exactly four years ago, I knew my relationship with you would be utterly different from what it had been all our years prior. From that day forward, I knew that a forever love like ours hits you when you least expect it._

_But in taking the time to look back, I found that I fell in love with you long before my heart caught up. When my father got sick, I could feel the ache in my bones. I stopped in my tracks, not knowing the right move to make or the way to move forward. But you took action. In those three weeks he was in the hospital, I watched you love him, protect him, learn from him, laugh with him, and care deeper than I've ever seen anyone care before. For a man you had only met a handful of times. I knew then that you can love ferociously, and in a way I didn't know could exist. I remember thinking how fortunate your future spouse would be to feel that level of love in such a difficult time. I just never thought that would be me. I never thought that I could feel love like I do with you, Alison._

_You know my every insecurity, my every embarrassing moment, my every weakness, and still never make me feel inadequate. Even since we were little, you have loved me without reservation or pause. You envelop me in praise that I never thought possible, and because of you, I am becoming the best woman I can be._

_I cannot promise to always be the perfect wife, but I promise to love you endlessly. To fight with you and for you, but never against you. To be your biggest fan, confidant, and best friend. Thank you for being the woman I always knew I needed, but for a time, I struggled to see. I used to stress in the small moments because I was always waiting for what's next. Living life in fast forward in hopes that the next thing to happen would be better than the last. But with you, I cherish each moment as if it could be my last._

_Today seems like the start of a new journey, but I already belong to you. I have been yours since our first kiss under the glow of that evergreen light. I've lived my life hesitantly, afraid to take risks, afraid to fall. But Ali, falling for you wasn't like falling at all – it was like walking into a house and knowing that you are my home. I promise to love you like you have loved me without hesitation for the rest of my life._

_You are my yesterday. You are my today. And you will be my tomorrow. All the days of my life._

* * *

Emily sat motionless on the floor in front of that letter. No tears. No sorrow. Just blank. It's not that these emotions had faded. In fact, Emily was sure if she fixed a few things here or there that she could repeat these same words to Alison today and mean them sincerely. But as the past almost four years had continued to pass, the tragedy and turmoil of 2015 covered their love up with smog that Emily couldn't bypass. But she felt better. Reflecting back on Alison's speech at the baby shower had sent her spiraling, but Emily knew that Alison wasn't the only dedicated one in their relationship. But even dedication can't fix what trauma tears away.

She was nearly finished placing the lid back on the container when she heard Alison's voice entering their front door "Em? Are you home?"

"Be right there!"

Emily adjusted her appearance in the mirror hanging on the back of the closet door before walking to the living room. Alison was staring out the back windows, her hands wrapped around her waist as though giving herself a hug. In years prior, Emily would've walked toward her mimicking Alison's own touch, wrapping her arms tightly around her wife and kissing her neck.

She shook her head out of that flashback and moved to the couch, asking quietly, "Hey… are you okay?"

Alison nodded as she turned around, "Are you?"

The tone wasn't accusatory. It was blank, just as Emily had been moments before. Then it hit her. In every conversation Emily had with someone since Alison's prison sentence began, no one could understand where Emily was coming from. No one could grasp how she felt or the eeriness that lurked just beyond her skin. They were on the extremes. Disappointed. Ecstatic. Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Elated. But Alison's emotion was the first she had recognized in years. It was the same emptiness and longing. It was desperation without connection behind it. Ever since her world had fallen away from around her, Emily failed to understand how the world could keep moving when it should've stopped.

But now, right in front of her, someone else was numb too.

Faced with the realization, Emily didn't know how to respond. She sat unmoving and unresponsive to Alison's question, so Alison moved toward her on the couch, sitting down on Emily's left, "As you know, I was just at Maya's. In attempts to figure out what exactly is going on with you internally because I can't get a read on you at all, I asked her to tell me about your relationship while I was gone. It sucked to hear, but it made me realize that since I've been home, you've checked on me in small ways. Like when I had that panic attack or right before I was going to have direct contact with Liv. But I haven't really checked on you. I have tried to help you when you need it, but I keep trying to have you explain yourself instead of meeting you where you are. It registered with me today that you might not know how to explain it, Em. So, I thought that we could just talk. Without emotion. Without connecting the present to our past or our future. Is that okay? Maybe if we start there, I can understand. How are you?"

No one had taken the time to ask Emily how she was. No one had allowed her to process emotions in the moment. No one wanted to actually listen; they just wanted her to admit she was wrong.

"Heavy," Emily replied matter-of-factly, scooting farther from Alison on the couch while remaining facing forward.

"Heavy…" she exhaled, allowing her wife's words to hit her deeply. "Okay. And that's for everything? Including things that should make you happy like being engaged or our beautiful daughter?"

"Yeah. Everything is heavy. Like being crushed with a weight and not being able to even wrap your arms around it because it's so big. So, you give up. And once you give up and lay there for a bit, the weight isn't so heavy anymore. It actually brings some peace because at least it's consistent."

Alison wrapped her hands underneath her thighs, connecting them to give herself support. Her wife was barely functioning. Emily had tried removing herself from her pain, and in the process, had removed herself from all emotion.

"Babe, can you look at me?" Alison asked, getting Emily's head to turn her way, "Do you think you might be depressed?"

"Of course I am, Al." Her face fell into her hands, but she had become so detached that no tears even attempted their escape. She felt Alison's hand on her shoulder soon after.

"Okay, thank you for telling me. I'm going to go grab something, sweetheart. Would you mind sitting on the floor in front of my usual spot? I'll be right back."

Emily lifted herself off the couch and onto the floor to her left. Letting her eyes relax for the first time all day sent a sense of calm through her that she hadn't felt since Alison had been home. She soon could hear Alison as she walked back toward the living room and placed her legs on either side of Emily's arms before lifting up a section of her long black hair and gently running a brush through it.

"Emmy, can we talk about what you're sad about?"

Emily shook her head. She didn't know if once she started talking, she would ever be able to stop. There were things that Alison didn't like talking about just as much as Emily, and Emily had tried for years to keep it locked behind the sealed door of her mind.

"I get why you're hesitant, trust me. But there is so much beauty in what makes you sad. I feel like you're so afraid to talk about your sadness, but that's where half of life is. Half of life is growing from what makes you sad."

"If I talk about it, that makes it real."

"I hate to break it to you. But even if you don't talk about it, it's still real. You've just chosen to ignore it. So that weight you were talking about is just getting heavier because everything you're ignoring is just being added to it." Emily sat silently as Alison continued to brush her hair from root to end, ensuring that it was straight and kink-free before starting to tie it in a braid, just as she used to during every slumber party in high school. "What if I ask you a question first? Then you won't have to create something to talk about in your head, and we can work through it together."

She nodded, feeling more relaxed during Alison's pampering than she had in what felt like months.

"I know it's going to be a difficult one. But Emily, why haven't you told Maya about Liam?"

"It doesn't involve her."

"But it does involve you and who you are as a person now. It involves Olivia and how much effort and time you put into ensuring she is alright. It involves me, Em, and why I'm finding it impossible to let you go. And right now, Maya is a part of all of our lives. She is involved in all of this and doesn't even know it."

"How do you know she doesn't know it?" Emily turned around to ask. The synapses in her brain finally triggering that somehow, Alison knew that she had kept Liam from Maya.

"I brought it up casually earlier, and she asked me, 'Who the fuck is Liam?' If it helps, I didn't tell her. I just walked out the door, but I can only assume she's confused."

"Okay, good. We can make Liam anybody."

"No, we can't. Emily, he's our son."

Silence.

Alison's voice had remained calm for the entirety of the conversation, but her disbelief in Emily's responses had it rising, "Were you going to tell Livvy about her brother? Were you going to let our little girl know about her guardian angel?"

"I don't know."

"And that's why hearing me talk to her about him made you cry. It wasn't about ruining anything. Me coming back disrupts everything going on in your head. You can't keep 2015 and 16 from impacting today or tomorrow. Everything you are is everything that happened then. You can't remove that."

"Is it so bad to want to try? I hate what I did. I hate that I didn't listen to my gut. I hate that we lost him. I hate that I called you from my hospital room; I hate that you picked up the fucking phone. I hate that we lost him. I hate that you were blamed when it was me."

Emily was losing it. The barrier between herself and reality was crumbling around her, as her fists curled up banging against the rug.

"Emily? Emily?" Alison panicked, not realizing what their conversation may do to her wife. She moved to the floor to wrap her arms around Emily tightly as she rocked and sobbed back and forth. "You didn't kill anyone, Em. You didn't do anything. I was the one who didn't listen to your pain. I was the one driving to get to the hospital, okay? I was the one who picked up the phone even though it had fallen into the floorboard. I was the one who got into the accident, Em. It was me. It was all me."

As much as they hated the trial. As much as they wanted July 15, 2015 to disappear from existence. It was unerasable. Because as hard as it was to talk about losing Liam, it was easier than facing reality. It was easier than admitting that when Alison desperately reached for Emily's phone call that afternoon, she swerved the same direction. It was easier than admitting that her car immediately began flipping because of the traction on the wheels.

And more than that, anything was easier than admitting that Liam's life wasn't the only one tragically lost that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Gonna make this part short this time as I can't wait to see what you think about the end of this chapter. I do think there are plenty of little breadcrumbs throughout the story that would have led you to this conclusion, but I'm interested to see what you all picked up on. Don't worry though, plenty of twists and turns are on their way. See you Thursday! :)
> 
> As always, Comment. Vote. Pass Along.
> 
> You're the best,
> 
> secretpen28


	12. Edge of Desire

_July 15, 2015_

"Whatever Em, I don't get why it's so hard for you to just let me take care of you sometimes. I'll be back."

Alison hustled to the car, trying to remedy her wife's sudden pain. Though Emily had told her earlier in the week that her back was hurting, after a quick search on Google, their fears had been dismissed as simply expected pain heading into her last trimester. But at no point in time had Emily said that the pain continued or had moved past just pain and onto bleeding.

She began to feel the unpleasant trembling associated with losing her breath as her chest began to heave. Sitting in the driver's seat, Alison looked up at the front door, desperately inhaling the new air contained within her car. Everything in her heart told her to run back inside and ask Emily for more information, but Emily had just asked Alison to not make her freak out her wife's. So despite her better judgment, Alison put the key in the ignition, the gear shift in reverse, and made her way to the drug store across town. Little did she know that doubting herself had started a series of dominoes falling that couldn't be reassembled without destroying the world they had so delicately put together. As at the exact moment Alison's car ignition started, her wife was less than 100 feet away passing out into their stairway, bleeding out alone.

Alison reached the drug store about twelve minutes later. Parking diagonally and in a panic, she rushed out of her car, pulling the handle to the drug store only to find it locked. Her eyes traced up from the doorknob, reaching the taped paper note on the inside of the door.

'Closed due to a family emergency. Will reopen Thursday.'

"You're fucking kidding me!" Alison announced exasperatedly, slapping her hand to her legs. She pulled out her phone to call her wife, who did not pick up.

"Emmy? It's Ali. I went to the drug store, but it's closed for some reason. I'm going to have to run out of town to grab whatever you need. Please call me back when you get this so I can tell the pharmacy people all of your symptoms, okay? I love you, and I'm sorry for being overbearing. Your pain is my pain, babe. I'll be back soon. Also, call me back soon, or I'm going to have to send Mom over there to take care of you. It's all going to be alright. Bye."

Alison's fingers began to impatiently tap on the steering wheel as she put her phone in the cup holder to drive out of town, back toward their house in the same direction she had just come from. Temporary seconds later when her phone hadn't rung, she picked it back up to text her mother-in-law at the 3-way stop off of Main St.

'Hey, Pam. Em's in pain. I went to the store, but she's not answering my calls. Can you check on her? I'll be back ASAP. Thanks. Love you.'

Living just outside of town was Alison's favorite and least favorite thing about their home. They were far enough removed that it felt peaceful and calm compared to the everyday rush of Rosewood. But because of how small their town was in the first place, their distance from the grocery store, pharmacy, gas station, or anything else needed from time to time was even further away when the first option was closed.

About a ½ mile from their home on the main road, Alison picked back up her phone to see that Pam had received her message and was near the house 3 minutes earlier. She knew Emily had to be safe and in good hands, so there was no need to go check on her. Her phone went into her purse just as Mrs. Fields was placing her own phone call from their house.

'8432 Driftwood. My daughter is hurt and bleeding. I think she passed out… Yes, we need an ambulance immediately… My daughter-in-law was worried about her wife, and I showed up here to check on my daughter and found her lying passed out at the bottom of the stairs. There's a hell of a cut on her forehead from falling, I guess… She's waking up and breathing, but I think she's having a miscarriage. Blood is starting to pool around her… Yeah, she is. Emmy? Can you hear me? They're on their way… I got here about 10 minutes after getting my daughter-in-law's text, so no more than that? I'm not sure. She was at the store and couldn't reach her, I think. I'm sorry I don't have more info. Please just say you're on the way. Please… Yes, I can get a towel for her head, but I really don't think one for the blood around her will be helpful… Okay, I'll grab one from the kitchen. Are you almost here? She's opening her eyes off and on but won't reply to me… Emily, sweetheart, you're alright. You just had a bad fall, okay? Help is on the way… Yes, I can hear the sirens. Thank you. Thank you… Yes, ma'am. The door is open.'

Alison was in the middle of the store in their neighboring town when her phone rang again. It was Pam.

Relieved, Alison picked up the phone, "Thank you so much for going over to be with her. I'm sure it's nothing but when she didn't – "

"Ali, stop. Are you somewhere you can sit down?" Pam's voice was cracking.

"Pam, what's happening?"

"She fell and cut her head open. She's going to be okay but is in the back of an ambulance now. They're taking her to the hospital on Main."

"What are you talking about? She was just having stomach cramps. How did she pass out?" Alison was now parked with her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle, unable to move.

"They'll have more answers when she gets there. I'm right behind them, but you need to come too."

"So, she doesn't need the medicine the pharmacist here recommended for her food poisoning?"

"Sweetheart, it wasn't food poisoning."

"Pam, what are you talking about?"

"It's not my place, dear. Just get to the hospital as soon as you can. Emily is going to be okay, but she needs you here."

"Okay. So I just leave my cart here in the middle of the store?"

"I'm sure you're in shock. It's okay. Leave the cart, breathe, and get here. That's all you need to do. I'll have Emily call you when she's stable, okay? We're pulling up to the emergency room now."

"Stable? Pam, what the fu – "

Dial tone.

Alison turned from the pharmacy area of the grocery store and began a full-on sprint. She watched the panicked faces of the people around her as she breezed past them, out the front door and to her car. The now 20-minute drive from the store back to the 3-way intersection she had been at less an hour before was a blur. Speed limits did not register. Other cars were not a priority.

Alison's only given tasks were to leave the cart. Check. Breathe. She inhaled gasping for air she had forgotten to need. Get there.

Coming over the hill and into Rosewood, Alison could see the town center in the distance. It had been too long without a phone call, which sent her into further induced panic as she neared the closest stoplight out of town. Going at least 10 miles over the speed limit, Alison watched as the green light in front her faded to yellow. Pushing the gas, Alison began turning her wheel left through the intersection to get on the road into town. The force of the car turning sent the phone Alison had haphazardly thrown into the passenger's seat toward the floorboard. Face up.

"Fuck me." She wailed, though quickly forgetting about the phone to focus on the road in front of her.

The trees faded around her as she sped toward her wife, attempting to make the 20-mile journey in less than 15 minutes. The hospital came into view minutes later, on the northeast corner of the 3-way intersection just blocks off the main square. Turning on her blinker to get over before the right-hand turn into the hospital parking lot just past the stop signs, her phone began to ring. Lighting up in the floorboard, Alison could read an unknown number upside down. It had to have been Emily from the hospital. Alison was nearly there but needed to hear that her wife was alright.

She bent down just below the dashboard as her right hand reached for her phone while her left hand remained on the wheel. Unable to make the grab on the first pass, she extended her body a little further forward, causing her left hand to barely turn the wheel as she caught the phone in her palm. Before she could even pull herself back up, though, she felt the car starting to upend from the combination of her speed and the unintentional turning of her wheel. Pressing on the brake temporarily, she felt her body begin to flip along with the vehicle. Her seatbelt held her waist to the seat while her torso was slammed backward, her head and neck hitting the passenger's seat as she heard the crunching and crumbling of the car around her.

To those surrounding the 3-way intersection on that Wednesday afternoon in July, they watched as a dark blue mini-van crossed two lanes of traffic, narrowly missing another car as it began to flip. Silence filled the surrounding streets as they watched the bent metal screech to a stop at least 100 feet from where the flipping first began, leaving two lanes of traffic, a bike lane, a stop sign, and a crosswalk in its wake. The rushing of blood in Alison's veins halted almost immediately as the impact of two separate airbags and the crushing of glass, plastic, and metal fell around her inside the vehicle. She was knocked unconscious before even processing what had occurred.

* * *

"-extremely lucky she was near help, or this could be a very different conversation, Mrs. Fields. She has a fairly severe concussion, but it should not lead to any other major concerns. The internal bleeding should no longer be an issue, but we will keep her under supervision for at least the next few days. We'll be monitoring her closely as we begin taking her off all of these machines. The ventilator being removed was a great first step, Mrs. Fields."

"It's Emily, and thank you for your help. You said 15 to 30 minutes before she fully wakes up, right? I'm sorry. I'm pretty out of it."

"I understand. You've both been through a lot over the past few days. Let me know if there's anything you need from us, Emily."

"Could you clear the room? There's no way that all of you are needed in here. I mean, she's obviously not leaving. Stand outside if you must. I promise to keep you all informed when she wakes up."

Alison was unable to sense the glow of light from her closed eyes. The floating sensation of her limbs was simultaneously met with an aching pain that left her numb from the inside out. She remembered the intersection. She remembered the phone call. But she couldn't remember the in-between. Her wife's voice was the only distinct connection she could link to both the past and present. Emily. Something was wrong. She had been driving to see her.

Alison's eyes shot open as Emily was inches from kissing her wife's cheek.

"Fuck –" Emily whispered from the wheelchair she was using next to her wife's hospital bed.

"Em?" Alison attempted to speak, but her voice had been altered from the breathing tubes placed down her throat and taken out less than an hour earlier. She heaved into a cough, trying to get the dryness from her throat.

"Hey there, beautiful. You made it to me; I'm alright. I'm just hoping you're alright too."

"Yeah, me too. What happened?"

"You had an accident, babe. They're still figuring it all out, Al, but you flipped the car and went across some traffic."

"Mhmm." She agreed with immediacy, "But you, what happened to you? I was coming to make sure you didn't pass out too hard." Alison extended her hand toward Emily's forehead, delicately tracing the several stitches above her right eyebrow.

Emily chuckled, "I did pass out, but I'm okay. That's not as important as you right now, Al. I know you just woke up, but I'm not sure how much time we have."

"Time we have?" Alison began looking around the room, eyes wide open and terrified. "Am I dying?"

"No, Alison. We both are going to make it; I'm here always."

Alison closed her eyes for an extended period to time in attempts to ground herself more with the room around her. She intentionally sought out the end of each of her extremities. Her hands and fingers were able to move and bend and seek her wife's hand. Her upper legs were sore and presumably tender. Her calves throbbed from the blood flooding to her feet. Her feet were cold and trembling, but she could feel increased tension on her right foot. A solid, metal grasp around her ankle that was unmistakable and sent her eyes shooting open once again.

"Emily? Are my feet okay?"

"Your feet? Oh… Al –"

"Wait. What's happening? You said that we both were going to make it. What does that mean? Why did you specify?"

"Alison, please don't panic on me. You're hooked up to machines, and if you're heartbeat increases too much, all the nurses will come in. Keep breathing for me. But Ali, you're under arrest."

"For?"

Emily silently reached across the bed, grasping Alison's right palm tightly in hers. "They haven't given me or the news or anybody much information, so I'm not sure who he is. But Alison, you hit somebody. A young man."

"When? How?"

"You're going to have to help us with that, Alison, but your car flipped nearly three times. I'm not sure where he was in the intersection."

Alison's eyes welled with tears before she could process her body's reaction, "Okay, so he's in surgery? I injured someone, but he's okay?"

Emily's head rapidly shook her head 'no' as she wrapped her arms around her wife's collapsing body. Emily rocked back and forth as she felt Alison's grip grow tighter and tighter around her waist, as though Alison was clawing her way back from the past in hopes that the present may change with it. She kissed her wife's shoulder, gently rubbing her back. This wasn't what their marriage was supposed to entail. This isn't how their pregnancy was meant to go.

Emily lifted her eyes from over Alison's right shoulder, looking out of the glass on the door of the room. She knew that the two police officers stationed outside were bound to bust back through the door to ask her questions at any moment. She could feel the weight of the world crashing down on her shoulders, knowing that protecting Alison through this was all she could do for them both to survive. Emily struggled to fathom how she could even begin to tell Alison about the miscarriage. Especially when the most pressing concern was the loss of a human life that cemented handcuffs around Alison's right ankle, securing her to the hospital bed she couldn't move from even if she had desired to.

* * *

_Present Day_

Emily's current breakdown mimicked Alison's own four and a half years earlier. Alison's arms draped over her wife's securing her tightly as Emily continued to carry the weight of guilt and shame and regret.

Alison traced her fingers through Emily's hair as she attempted to calm her down, "Babe, I know you want to move on and forget about our loss and the accident and the trial and my incarceration. But if you forget about that, you lose every moment in between that was special and worthy. You lose everything that made our marriage so much stronger. You lose all of the lessons we learned. You lose all that I see when I look into your eyes."

"I need you to let me move on, Alison." Emily's hands were tucked underneath her knees, her left hand clutching onto one of Alison's as she cried into her lap.

"You have this misconception that moving on is going to close an entire chapter of your life and move forward without anything following in your wake. But moving on will just rip out the past few years. It will leave parts of pages in tatters and shreds, but the remnants of each page will be there. You will always look at Olivia and see Liam. You will forever look at our friends and see them standing next to us on our wedding day. You will never be able to pass that intersection without seeing the memorial standing in his place. You can't move on, Em. You can only move forward, and that means bringing all of our past shit with you, no matter how much you don't want to."

Emily sighed, sitting up against the front of their couch, tears still steadily forming in the corners of her eyes, "It's bullshit."

"What is?" Alison questioned to her wife.

"All of those fucking sayings that haunt you through times like these. 'Everything happens for a reason.' 'It's about the journey, not the destination.' 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going.' 'Better late than never.' The people who claimed those quotes into existence must have never been hit over the head with a wrecking ball. Their lives never shattered in a matter of two hours. An idealized future over before we could even dream about it."

"Emmy…"

"Is it so terrible that I just wanted to dream about it for a minute?"

Emily instinctually laid her head on Alison's shoulder. She was right. Their relationship had been craving that ease that comes from a dream coming true. Since the very early stages of their relationship, even being their first 'I love you,' Emily and Alison had dreamed of a family. They had manifested a desire the superseded their own upbringings. One where both parents were stable and present, and in love. So, so in love. And before they could even actively work toward keeping their dream alive, it had been torn from their grasp. Their past wasn't fair. They both knew that.

"No, Em. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry that we couldn't make our dream possible – You know that I tried, right?"

"Shh…"

Alison looked over at her wife as Emily tenderly closed her eyes while still seated with her back against the sofa. Her legs were stretched out in front of her, hands folded gingerly in her lap. And just as Alison was about to ask another question, Emily began talking. Actually, whispering quietly into the dark living room around them.

"We would wake up to his cries. Hear his whimpers from the other side of our bedroom, at least until Liam was big enough to move to his own crib upstairs. I'd have to scoot out from under the covers pressed against you to console him. I would change and feed as quietly as possible in hopes that he would go back to sleep before waking you up. His giggle would be unlike any happiness we ever heard. His smile would be toothy and magnetic. We would rock in the corner as I whispered about every adventure he would never miss out on. I could tell him about visiting his grandma and aunts on weekends. I could describe the feeling of his first experience in winter weather. I could wrap my arms around him and tell him all about his mother, who would still be asleep. Give him a glimpse of the perfection he lucked out on."

Alison faded into the beautiful simplicity of Emily's explanation, and at her first pause, she began filling in the gaps, closing her own eyes to dwell in the calm, "We would go on walks nightly. Traipse through the neighborhood without care. Looking at the blessings of the world around us as the leaves crunched beneath our feet. And when we were ready, we would try for a second. Our celebration over the birth of Livvy would no longer be masked by the sadness of loss or separation. We would sit on our front porch like we did the night you found out, and instead of holding back tears, we would openly cry while watching our son run through the front yard. We would hold hands tenderly between us instead of gripping onto each other's palms for survival." Alison knew she was pushing boundaries. She knew that she was going into areas of an imagined dream that might make Emily uncomfortable. Still, Alison was never one to not be risky, "I would wake up each morning and feel immediate peace when I saw your chocolate brown eyes. I would walk through this house and notice each individual touch we added to make it our own. I would wrap my arms around you at every opportunity to take us back to our first dance on the night of our wedding."

"Ali –" she heard Emily mutter from beside her, causing her eyes to reopen and look at her wife sitting on her left.

"Too far?" Alison asked, receiving only Emily's nod in return, "Okay. Understood. I know that because of where we each are individually now that parts of my dream may no longer be a part of yours."

They sat in delicate silence momentarily, before Emily broke it with a sigh, "No, that's not it. Our dreams will always coincide. You just know that we can't even get that close in our dreams again."

Alison wrestled internally with the meaning of what Emily was saying next to her. She crinkled her forehead as she turned to face her wife. An exercise between them now causing more questions than answers. But as Alison turned her head, she felt Emily right hand against her cheek, the press of her fingers lingering on her jawbone.

"Em?" she half-asked before Emily gently pressed her lips against Alison's. Soft and tenderly grasping for remnants of a dream that never would be. Alison was barely able to reciprocate for Emily delicately pulled away.

"Because then it would be impossible for me to not make our dreams a reality," Emily whispered in the dark as she stood up from the floor. "Thank you for getting me out of my head tonight, Ali."

Alison watched as Emily walked lazily toward the front door before grabbing her coat, laying it gently over her shoulders, and turning to walk out to her car. "Emily, wait!" Alison finally shook off her shock enough to stand up and face the door, a couch, an end table, and over 20 feet between them.

"Please don't say anything, Alison. I'll see you Wednesday." She closed the door behind her without another word as Alison's mind stood blank in the middle of their living room. She turned in a circle with her fingers against her lips, trying to confirm that the minute prior hadn't merely been a mirage. Wednesday.

"What the fuck is important about Wednesday?" Alison asked the darkness before it hit her. Their anniversary. A dinner date taking place just days after tonight. A night which Maya, her current fiancée, had graciously given up so that she and Emily could sort things out. Though after that sudden kiss, Alison wondered if maybe everything already had been sorted.

Alison collapsed against the couch as a headache began settling in from the swirling thoughts clouding her brain. She hadn't felt so unsure about the future since her first night in prison, and before that, waking up in the hospital chained to a hospital bed. Emily had gone from together to shattered pieces and back again in less than an hour. But they had made it through a conversation that was relatively conducive and normal. Until that kiss. Which led Alison to a simple conclusion in her book as she lay dazed on her couch.

Emily was a fucking mess. But a mess that would surely be the death of her.


	13. All I Ever Wanted

**A/N: Trigger warning: The beginning of this chapter deal with trauma and hints of PTSD.** _  
_

* * *

_July 23, 2015_

_Her eyes shot open from the sound of breaks screeching. Breath heavy. Body trembling. Heart racing. Emily had felt Alison jump beneath her touch. She began absentmindedly placing tender kisses against the top of Alison's left breast, where Emily's head still lay from when they fell asleep only an hour earlier. Alison's hand delicately cupped around her wife's hip as she trailed her fingers up Emily's bare spine to move her wife's head over to her own pillow so she could get out of bed._

_Movement had been an obstacle in the DiLaurentis-Fields household for the past few days since they'd returned home. From the cramping and discomfort from Emily's D & C procedure to Alison's multiple stitches and bruises riddling her body from top to bottom, each of them had found momentary pleasure in their lovemaking hours earlier. It was the first release from reality either had experienced in the week following such a traumatic day. Alison groaned as she twisted her body to the right to climb off of their King-sized bed._

_"Al, what's going on?"_

_"Don't worry, baby. I just need some air, okay?" Alison leaned back, begrudgingly over the bed in pain before kissing Emily, "I love you."_

_"I love you, too," Emily replied with her eyes still closed, smiling back into her pillow as Alison walked in the bathroom. She turned on the light, closing and locking the door behind her._

_Her feet had never felt so heavy as the continued screeching and clashing of metal in her head sent a piercing buzz through her brain. Alison stayed feet away from the bathroom counter as she turned to face their mirror. Her nude reflection still startled her. A giant blackish-blue bruise coated a majority of her abdomen, the clearest indication of her internal bleeding replicated on her skin. She noted that the swelling of her bottom lip had gone down quite a bit from where her top teeth dug into it at the onset of impact. But more garish were what appeared to be over three dozen individual cuts covering her from head to toe. Only a few had required stitches: the vertical cut down her right bicep, three separate cuts going down her left leg, and one on her left side just below her ribs. All from glass as multiple windows and items in the car shattered around her. The other stitch marks were across her stomach from tubes used to suction blood pooling inside her from the traumatic accident, which had caused a rupture in her spleen._

_Alison stared at the stranger in the mirror in front of her. She saw injury after injury that could've led to her bleeding out in her car._

_"But you survived." She whispered to herself as her fingers lingered across her skin, feeling the peaks forming from the soon to be permanent scars. "You were given a second chance."_

_Chance._

_It was an unfortunate choice of words. Her body represented the aftermath of a crushing blow. To Emily. To Alison. To Liam. To Chance._

_Alison began mumbling a memorized obituary from the Sunday paper, "Chance Andrew Baker, 23, died Wednesday, July 15, 2015, at Rosewood Memorial Hospital. He was born in Philadelphia on February 12, 1992, son of Elizabeth (Trent) and Gregory Baker. Chance was a dedicated and loyal medical resident at the hospital –"_

_Her voice echoed over and over again as she pointed to each mark, "Chance after Chance after Chance." Her breathing became more and more labored as she continued reinternalizing her guilt until it compounded into a load too heavy to bear. Her fist pounded on the marble countertop repeatedly, not caring if bones shattered through the force._

_"Alison?" she heard Emily whisper through the door, jiggling the lock quickly, hoping that it would magically come undone._

_"I'm fine!" Alison shouted back over her shoulder as she lifted her hand, rubbing the side of her palm._

_"I understand, sweetheart. I'm going to stand right here on the other side of the door, okay? I'm right here, Ali. You're not alone in this."_

_Though not physically alone, Alison felt an emptiness that could only be compared to the numbness she sought in high school while drinking with her mother. But instead of the aching dullness of being numb, her body felt like it was on fire. Scorched earth that left nerve damage and heartache._

_"Can you keep talking to me, baby? Just so I can know you're okay in there."_

_She lifted her head up so her voice could echo more, "Chance Andrew Baker, 23, died Wednesday, July 15, 2015, at Rosewood Memorial Hospital." She began, quoting the same paragraph she had photocopied into her mind's eye before going off script, "Murdered by negligent driver, Alison DiLaurentis, 26. A senseless murder brought on by a narcissistic idea that her worry was more important than any other life."_

_"Alison, come and open the door. Please."_

_"Karma acted quickly in DiLaurentis' life as on the 15th, her wife simultaneously lost their first expected child named William (Liam) Charles in a tragic miscarriage spawned by DiLaurentis leaving her wife at home alone while in pain."_

_"Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, if you don't get your fucking ass over here and open this door right now – " Emily muttered harshly through the door. The spoken use of both her full name was enough to lead Alison to open the door and walk past her wife._

_She noticed that Emily had quickly gotten dressed as she climbed out of bed to retrieve her wife from the bathroom, which led Alison to stop by their dresser to throw clothing as well._

_"What the fuck are you doing, Ali?" Emily asked rhetorically as Alison finally turned her face to meet her wife's._

_Her usual sapphire eyes were clouded with a pitch-black hue as if trapped in darkness. Alison's lips were tightly pressed together, quivering behind the force. Tears brimmed around her bottom lid as Emily scooted closer to her wife, both now back on their sides of the bed._

_"I understand that this is impossible to process, Alison. I understand that you are grappling with demons inside your mind that are going to take a long time to get over. But if you think for one second that you're going to bring Liam into this, as if he was an offering to the gods in your accident, you are sorely mistaken. Look at me when I say that bullshit will not happen again in this home. Do you understand?" Alison nodded, "No, say it."_

_"It won't happen again, Emily. Can I go back to sleep now?" she looked past her wife as she spun away from her to lay on her side._

_Emily continued sitting as she began to scratch up and down Alison's back, attempting to comfort her, "Feeling guilty is normal, Ali. But the cops let you go for a reason. It was an accident. You had no ill intent."_

_Alison lifted her hand to wave her wife away, not wanting to hear the rationale. "Let me try to go back to sleep, Em – "_

_But her pleas were interrupted by rapid knocks at their front door, sending Alison shooting back up from her pillow._

_"What was that?" Emily asked into the night._

_"I'm not sure, babe. I'll go check it out." Alison replied before being stopped by Emily's arm._

_"I got it. Try to go back to sleep."_

_From Emily's place on the bed, she could visibly see out their open bedroom door toward the hallway at the front of their home, which slowly became more and more decorated by rapid flashes of red and blue light. She paced to the front door, another knock sounded while on her way, causing her to jump in fear._

_"OFFICER NORTON WITH ROSEWOOD PD. WE HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT FOR POTENTIAL CONTRABAND IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE DEATH OF CHANCE BAKER."_

_"Warrant?" she asked into the darkness. Emily opened the door timidly, barely peeking her head around the frame as a flashlight shone back into her eyes. "Yes?"_

_"Mrs. Fields? We have a warrant for the premises." Officer Norton passed a paper to Emily, indicating the approval of a search warrant for alcohol and other substances._

_Emily scoffed, "Okay…" she opened to door to the officers. Alison had been sober for years. This whole warrant was a non-starter. The sooner she let them into the home, the sooner they would leave. "I'm fairly confused. My wife doesn't drink."_

_Due to the increased noise from the front of the house, Alison came around the corner, clutching Emily's hand in hers. "What is happening, Em?"_

_"They have a warrant for alcohol and other substances?"_

_Alison raised her hand and voice simultaneously, "Officer! I don't drink."_

_"Then this will be a quick search, won't it?"_

_But a pit hit Alison's stomach immediately as she pulled her wife to the side, holding their hands together, "Em? Emily. I need you to listen to me. I am sober. I have been sober."_

_"I know, Al. I'm not worri – "_

_"Did they do a breathalyzer on me the day of the crash?" her eyes were panicked._

_"I was in surgery. I have no idea what tests they did or didn't complete. What's wrong?"_

_"At the store. They had someone passing out samples, and I was pacing and waiting for the pharmacist to tell me what medication to grab."_

_"Okay…"_

_"And so I took a quick shot of some of the samples of wine."_

_Emily rotated Alison so that her wife's back was facing the cops, "What the fuck are you talking about?"_

_"I was stressed. I was waiting, and it was there. It was harmless. I wasn't under the influence at all. But the accident was like 15 minutes later, so depending on how quick they did the test…"_

_Emily's head fell in her hands, "Fuck. But it's not like there's anything here or in the car that would indicate – "_

_"NORTON.," an officer announced from the kitchen, before walking around the corner with a case. They watched as Officer Norton lifted the lid before turning to face Alison without pause._

_"Alison DiLaurentis. You are under arrest for the murder of Chance Baker. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?"_

_Emily was beyond confused as her wife was firmly shoved against their fireplace to put handcuffs around her wrists. She walked toward the box held by the other officer. As she got closer, she realized that he was holding a case of champagne from the baby shower weeks earlier. One of two left because Spencer had over-prepared._

_Emily and Alison made eye contact as they realized what had happened simultaneously. Yes, this was one of the boxes they had, while the other had been stored in Alison's car. They had plans to take the rest back to Spencer's as a thank you gift for being a gracious host but hadn't been able to get the loose bottles from the backseat before Alison's wreck._

_The unbelievable accident._

_The faulty breathalyzer._

_The broken champagne bottles throughout the car._

_Alison turned around moments before being led out of the front door to face her wife. With tears in her eyes, Emily watched as Alison briefly shrugged before mouthing, 'This is karma.'_

_And after a lengthy pause, Alison looked behind her. She finally responded to the officer's question, "Yes, I understand, and no, I want my lawyer."_

* * *

Alison stood just as unsure naked in front of her mirror over three years later. Her bruising had dissipated, but the scars and nicks had stayed. A lasting reminder of a life unable to be replaced. A continued reflection of the woman she wanted to be for her daughter.

She struggled to decipher tonight's intentions. A week ago, she had told Maya that they simply needed closure on their 4th anniversary. But with the introduction of a kiss just four nights earlier, Alison was second-guessing all of her plans.

The most significant cause of concern for Alison was that their kiss on Saturday night hadn't been a kiss of passion, but of desperation. Emily clung to her wife as though holding on to July 14th, the day before their entire world came crumbling down. It didn't feel like a reconnection, but instead a desire to look back and see all they had been. All Alison could do was push forward and continue to show her wife the constant desire to make things right in their life. But Alison knew her tactic had to completely change.

Currently, that was growing to be incredibly tricky as Emily was staying with her mother for the long-term, not wanting the memories of their family home affecting her day to day. This led to Olivia being at the Fields' home a majority of the time, as well. Alison went over daily to be with her, but the few hours she was able to secure in no way made up for the time she wished to have back. But Olivia was beginning to process the role that Alison played. Her face started lighting up whenever she walked into the room. She would reach for Alison in public if she became too scared or fussy. She found comfort in Alison's novelty, and Alison latched onto that in any way she could.

Knowing that Alison needed to order her Uber soon, she rushed to her closet to maneuver her red bodycon dress over her makeup and styled hair. It was the first time she had put in real effort since arriving home almost 3 weeks earlier. She tucked her hair behind her ear while putting on a black peacoat over her dress and heading to the front door to collect her things. As she stepped out from the master bedroom, though, the doorbell rang.

Intrigued, Alison grabbed her purse and opened the door to find her wife on the other side. Emily was in Alison's favorite color on her, green, with her hair tossed over one shoulder showing off her elongated neck. It nearly sent Alison to her knees then and there.

"Hey, there." Emily whispered, smirking back at what Alison could only imagine was her mouth fully agape, "Mom told me that you met with your hearing officer earlier this week, and the courts upheld your license suspension. So I figured it would only be right for me to pick you up tonight. Is that alright?"

"Of course it is, Em. Come inside; I have one more thing to grab."

Emily watched as Alison disappeared briefly around the corner before coming back in with a small bouquet of lilacs still in their vase. "I bought these for you, but I'm going to leave them by the door, so I can give them to you when we get back."

Alison smiled as Emily blushed in front of her, "After so long, I think part of me forgot how much we really do know about each other." Emily paused as she pulled half a dozen white roses from behind her back. "Happy Anniversary, Al."

They laughed as Emily undid the small bow tying the roses together before adding them into the vase of lilacs, creating a coordinated bouquet.

"Happy Anniversary…"

It was difficult for each of them on the ride to dinner. They struggled to find the words needed to try and move forward if moving forward was even possible after everything they had gone through together. Alison looked out the window waiting for Emily to make the first jump toward conversation after springing a kiss on her days earlier. Despite her head being turned, Alison could hear Emily inhale at every red light, milliseconds from speaking her mind, but getting caught up in something in her head.

Their first words came as Emily pulled into the parking spot in front of their favorite Italian restaurant in Rosewood, "Before we go in, I have to apologize for Saturday." She exhaled as though letting a giant weight off of her shoulders, "It wasn't okay. I was vulnerable and couldn't figure out what was happening between us. It shouldn't have happened, and I want to promise you that it isn't going to happen again."

Alison sighed, feeling how badly Emily desired her previous statement to remain true, "I get it. I told you Saturday that I completely understand that our dreams may no longer coincide. As heartbreaking as that would be for me, I'm not going to get in the way of anything, Em. I care about maintaining a functioning relationship with you and Olivia, above all else. If anything happens between us, it'll be your move. Not mine."

And with that, Alison got out of the car as soon as she could. Before the lack of oxygen inside the vehicle overtook her, and she was pushed to lean across the car and capture Emily in a kiss to be able to breathe again. Emily remained inside the car, taken aback by the woman sitting before her tonight. There was no malice in her words, but there wasn't understanding either. Alison had simply allowed their relationship to be. However complicated or uncomplicated that relationship became was put entirely in Emily's hands. And it scared the shit out of her.

Once inside the restaurant, they were seated at a table for two near the back fairly quickly. Alison started the conversation as soon as she could, not wanting another repeat of the car to occur, "Thank you for agreeing to come out with me tonight. I think that regardless of what we become, we have to continue to celebrate the partnership we had and will continue to have. I hope that this dinner sets that foundation again." Emily nodded, unsure. "What's going on, Em? You okay?"

"I'm just –"

But Emily was interrupted by their waiter as soon as she began, "What can I get for you, ladies?"

"Em? Do you mind if I order for us? I assume it's the same?"

"Eggplant instead of chicken," Emily mumbled, suddenly shy once again.

"Great." Alison paused, collecting her thoughts, "Okay. We would like a bottle of the Cabernet with only one glass, though. I forget the name, but the sommelier knows. It's the bottle that the DiLaurentis' typically order. For an appetizer, we'll take the burrata with extra pesto and tomatoes. I'll have the chicken piccata with crispy chicken instead of grilled. She would like the eggplant parmigiana with tagliatelle instead of spaghetti noodles and a rose crema instead of the usual marinara. And then for dessert, the tiramisu would be great. Oh, and two waters, please. Hers with limes, if possible. Thanks." She smiled up at the waitress dearly, passing the menus before staring back at Emily for her to continue.

"How long today did you have to practice that one?"

"I didn't. It's a hard order to forget because it was the cornerstone of so many events for us. Us buying a house. You finding out you were pregnant each time. The night before my trial started. The night before I went away. And then everything else in between, Emily. It's ours. For better or worse."

The waitress came shortly after with the bottle of wine ordered, filling Emily's glass with an ample pour for toasting, "To us. For facing our issues head-on and being the best support system Olivia could ask for."

"To us." Emily toasted afterward, still appearing unsure throughout the dinner.

"So, I thought keeping this reservation was important for us to clear things up, Em." Emily nodded, placing her glass between her hands. "The night I got back, you told me that our separation for you was so that you could find yourself. But why did you initially think a separation would be the best move?"

"I lost myself in your trial, Al. All of my time and energy went into making sure you weren't convicted. So when that failed, I realized that I had missed almost a full year of my life. I had dropped everything and everyone. I mean, Alison, we both quit our jobs and have been living off your family's money ever since. I poured myself into you and into our time together, and when you left, it was apparent that I didn't know who to be without you. And then Liv was born five months later, and I was just insanely depressed. Alone, in that house, nothing to do but take care of a child that was just as much mine as yours. But you were gone."

Emily raised her napkin off her lap to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. The hurt painted across her skin in a tapestry. Woven mistake after mistake etched every inch of her expression. Rosy cheeks. Dilated eyes. Puffy lids. Alison extended her hand across the table, which Emily reached for without pause. The dire connection needed during Alison's incarceration occurring two years after the fact.

"And so one night, I was there in Livvy's room, rocking her back and forth endlessly. I hadn't seen or heard from anyone in days, including my mom, and I realized that I couldn't do this for another 6 years, Ali. I couldn't keep waiting for some kind of wild luck to infiltrate our lives when so much of it the years before had been absolute shit. All I knew was that I wasn't going to be able to give Olivia any of myself as a mother if, with every decision I made, I thought of you first. I was an afterthought. Olivia was an afterthought because you consumed me." Emily paused to sigh, "It sounds negative when I say it like that, but you were all I considered. And I loved our life being that way, babe. We were unbreakable and amazing and everything in the world I could have ever pictured for myself. But I needed more for myself beyond you. I need to find who I was without you, Al. I was sincere when I told you that falling in love with Maya was never what I intended to happen. This was supposed to be temporary."

Alison had been listening intently. Her eyes filled with tears as Emily mourned through her life alone, not realizing the destitute affect their life during the trial had left for her wife in the aftermath. But then, she was reminded of Maya. The insult to injury of their separation. The piece of the puzzle Alison knew she would never quite comprehend.

"Then what the fuck happened, Emily? How do you start doing things alone to find yourself and end up dating another woman? What about all of that was you 'finding yourself'?"

Emily sat across from her in silence as they continued their meal. They made their way through each course, only speaking in small doses because Emily refused to answer the question. It was a chess match between two women who weren't okay with any of the possible endings: winning, losing, or a draw. As Alison signed the check at the end of the night, she looked back up at her wife, fed up at a standstill between them. They picked up right where they were they had left off.

"Okay, fine. Tell me what you found then. Who are you beyond me?"

"Alison, don't – "

"Don't what? You did this whole thing to find you were, right?. What did you find? Or did you only start to rediscover yourself when you began fucking her?"

Emily stood from the table, delicately placing her napkin in her chair, "This isn't how we're doing this, Alison. I'm going to the restroom. Get it together."

She had lost it. Alison had come here with a clear intention, and one mention of Maya had thrown her composure out the window. It was hard for Alison to watch her wife continue to break in front of her. Years of pain and solitude and neglect untreated and sending ruptures and fissures throughout her life, bound to explode at any moment.

When Emily returned a few minutes later, she sat back down calmly. She looked Alison directly in the eyes, waiting for her wife to say the first words, "Emmy, I'm sorry. It's hard for me to distinguish between our separation and your engagement because I only agreed to one of those. I'll have to adjust, and it will take time." Alison paused, "But I'm not sorry for challenging you. I never will be. That's not what I promised the day we said 'I do.' If you needed to find yourself, then I hope you did. I hope you were able to before Maya came into the picture. Because Emily, there's nothing I'd want more than for that to happen. If you could look into the mirror and see who I see… that would be beyond my biggest dream coming true. You deserve to see what so many others do already. And if it takes us being apart to do that, I understand."

"You need to stop doing that, Alison."

"Doing what?"

"You keep saying shit you typically would never say. You're 'not going to get in the way of anything.' It's 'not your move, it's mine.' This dinner memory is ours 'for better or worse.' That if it takes us being apart, you understand?"

"Emily, you were in the one in the car that was extremely clear that nothing is going to happen between us again. What's wrong with me being okay with that?"

"You would never be okay with that, Alison! What happened to you not letting a ring dictate our future? What happened to –"

"Woah, woah. Listen to yourself right now. You tell me we need to cool it. You tell me to get it together, so I listen. Now, you're mad at me?"

"I'm not mad. I'm just confused…"

"Emily. I was honest when I told you that the ring on your finger didn't mean shit to me, but you telling me that our kiss shouldn't have happened and won't happen again, isn't a ring talking. That's straight from you. I respect you more than that to ignore your wishes, Emily. I don't get what's going on here. You're the one that fell in love with someone else and out of love with me. You don't get to have your cake and it too, babe. Pick one."

"I never said that." Her voice trailed as Emily stood up to walk back out to the car.

The dinner had spiraled into chaos, and with Emily and Alison no longer being on the same page, their relationship appeared to never be able to get back on track. Alison followed Emily outside, where her wife was already sitting the car with her head solemnly against the steering wheel.

"What do you want me to say, Alison?" Emily's voice sounded desperate and hollow. "We're not going to figure this out, don't you see that? I'm never going to be able to explain it to you, and you'll never be able to understand. You know that. Don't you?"

"I'm beginning to, I think. You can't answer any questions that I have for you. It's the most mind-numbing thing I've ever been a part of."

"We need to get a divorce, Al. We have to move on from this, for all of our sanity. You said it tonight. We need to face our issues head-on and be a support system for our daughter. We can't do that like this. You know it."

The blow Alison felt against her chest couldn't be described. The air once again felt ripped from her. The space closing in on all she'd known and wanted for the future.

"I don't know that." She finally got the courage to reply. "I can't know that because you have already exiled me. I came back to you two years behind all that you had discovered, and I'm just trying to figure out what you discovered, who you became without me. And you can't fucking answer that, Emily. You can't answer anything. I was better off in jail without knowing any of the bullshit taking place out here because at least I thought you still loved me." Alison groaned, "Can you answer me that, at least? When did you know it was over for us? When did you fall out of love?"

"I already answered that." Emily's head was still against the steering wheel. "Inside."

Alison's head was spinning, "Emily Catherine, what the fuck are you talking about? Can you please just answer the question without all the misdirects. God."

"Inside as I was walking away. I told you that I had never said that I had fallen out of love with you and in love with Maya."

"Meaning, what?"

She looked up from the steering wheel to face her wife, tears streaming down her face in agony, "Of course I still love you, Alison. Why do you think this is so impossible for me? I can't do anything without betraying you or Maya or myself. All I know is that I have to move forward. I can't keep living in the past. This is the only way I know how to do it."

"Divorce is the only thing you know to do to move forward, Emily? Fuck you." Alison seethed, opening the car door, "You still love me. Classic shit there, Em." Standing outside of the door now, Alison kept yelling, despite seeing and hating the reflection of herself in Emily's back window, "Fuck your promises. Fuck your vows. Fuck your excuses. Get the fuck out of here. I'll walk home."

"Alison –"

"No! You don't get to do this to me, Emily. You don't get to do this to us. You destroyed me without my permission. You ruined me without my knowledge. You don't get to make the rules this time because I came home, and every fucking thing had changed! Don't you get that? Don't you see that everything you promised to me, you extinguished? You did that, Emily! So no, you don't now get to tell me that I know we need to get a divorce because I don't know anything. I know nothing because you hand-crafted it to be this way. Get the fuck out!"

Alison slammed the door to Emily's SUV, sending a quake through its body as Emily started the engine. She rolled down the window, tears still streaming down her face, "I understand, Ali. I'm sorry. We'll see you at Christmas."

Over the next 20 minutes that it took for Alison to call an Uber and get home, she had effectively unraveled. She couldn't catch her breath or even identify coherent and streamlined thoughts. It's why when she walked inside her front door, she swiped her left hand as fast as should could, knocking over the glass vase onto the floor and shattering it into hundreds of pieces. It's why she stomped over to the tree, pulling a decorated envelope with **_Emily_** written in cursive across the front and ripped it into minuscule pieces until the gift she had been working on was destroyed. And it's why she stripped on the way to her bedroom, lying down across the same mattress they had once made love on hours before her arrest, curled up into a ball, and cried herself to sleep while pleading with herself aloud.

"You were given chance after chance after chance after chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yipes, yipes, yipes. Next chapter brings us Christmas! Where shit is bound to continue hitting the fan. Will be posted Sunday!
> 
> Thanks again for all of the support and continued reading of this story. Love and appreciate you all.
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	14. Needed To Lose You

Waking up the next morning had Alison in a daze. She walked through her home, understanding that a fragment of the future she had imagined had been left behind in that parking lot. A glass vase in a thousand pieces scattered on the floor by the front door depicted the ache in her heart that had settled for good. Throughout the living room were memories of the previous night's overreaction. Still, none hit her quite as hard as seeing the torn pieces of paper in her fireplace. Alison dropped to her knees to gather the multitude of tattered remnants in the palms of her hands as they flooded back through her open fingers onto the logs below. A gift she had worked on for weeks destroyed instantaneously just as their marriage had been destroyed the night before. She struggled to comprehend how Emily's heart had morphed from one of endless caring and support to one of brokenness and destruction. Alison could still note the frown lines in her wife's face as Emily claimed a divorce to be the best thing for their marriage. There was grief behind the words that Emily claimed as her own. Despite appearing self-assured, Alison couldn't help but echo the crack in Emily's voice as she said those fateful words. As Alison climbed out of the car and repeatedly spited her wife, she noticed that Emily's face remained stoic as if expecting the tirade before Alison had even created it in her mind's eye. They both knew each other better than they knew themselves at times, and last night was another indication for Alison that anything beyond the separation of their marriage would do more harm than good.

Over the next few days, Alison continued getting ready for Christmas, piecing her life back together from what she had decimated just days earlier. In the process of reassembly, she also attempted to stay away from Emily as much as possible. Already arranged with their family and friends, Alison intended to host everyone Christmas afternoon. The morning was reserved to celebrate with the three closest family members she had at the Fields' home. As she used her key to open that front door, though, she never expected the conversation taking place on the other side.

"Mom, I just don't understand why you –"

"Emily, we talked about this last night. It's no longer up for discussion."

Alison stood with her feet grounded into the floor as she listened. Olivia noticed her mother across the room from her play center placed in the middle of the living room floor. Alison put a single finger over her lips in attempts to shush her daughter as Olivia giggled with glee at the gifts precariously placed in Alison's arms.

"What's the point of having Christmas altogether if everyone isn't welcome here?"

The sound of the oven door being closed forcefully keyed off Pam's words, "I don't think you're understanding it from my perspective, Emmy. Everyone that is my family will be here all together."

"Maya deserves to be here just as much as anyone else." Alison could imagine Emily's crossed arms from behind the entryway wall blocking them from each other.

"I disagree. Your daughter hasn't had a Christmas with both of her parents yet. It's selfish of you to think that Alison being here this morning somehow negates Maya's presence in your life."

"What precedent are we setting, though, if I can't spend Christmas with everyone I love?" Emily sounded exasperated, trying to explain herself.

"Maya is more than welcome to come to Alison's this afternoon, which is more than you should be placing on her in the first place. I just wanted a morning without any drama ensuing. Can you respect that for me for a matter of hours the four of us will be alone?

"I understand where you're coming from, but I haven't seen Alison since we decided to get a divorce." Decided to. Alison resented the choice of words. "It would've been nice to have more of a support system this morning."

"Then what support system would Alison have had? I'm sincerely doubting your ability to have empathy these past few weeks. Your wife just got home; give her time to process everything just like you have. Respect her first Christmas with your daughter. And give her space to breathe. She already has to accommodate the life you created without her in her home this afternoon. Have some decency and don't ruin the entire day for her."

" _Me_ ruin _her_ day? Mom, you don't even know what she said to me a few days ago when we last spoke, and now you want me to try to be cordial?"

"Do we need to repeat the whole conversation so that your mom can understand?" Alison finally interrupted as she entered the kitchen.

Emily sighed while mumbling something about checking on Olivia. Alison brought her gifts over to the dining room table to set them down before walking over to wrap her mother-in-law in a hug.

"Thank you for sticking up for me, Pam. It's not something that you needed to do in these circumstances, but I appreciate it. Merry Christmas."

"You will always be my daughter, too, Ali. I wanted this morning to be as normal for Olivia as possible. I'm not sure why Emmy is so affected. But, I also believe that happiness for the majority of people this morning includes not having Maya here. Emily will have to respect that as long as she's living under my roof."

"I thought she and Maya had moved in?"

Emily scoffed behind Alison, "And put Olivia where? The nook? It's a one-bedroom, Al."

Alison raised her hands in self-defense, "Dumb question. Got it." She walked over to Emily, placing her hand on her upper arm, "Merry Christmas, Em."

"Merry Christmas… I'm not sure how much of our conversation you heard, but it does mean a lot to me that you are home this Christmas. I hope you can understand why I wanted – "

"There's no need to explain yourself; I understand. I really don't want to hash it all out this morning." Alison's voice cracked without meaning to when their eyes met. She turned away quickly to prevent the tears building in the corners of her eyes.

"Alison…" Emily's hand reached for her wife's back.

"No, you don't get to do that anymore." She replied, walking straight toward the living room without looking back.

The morning proceeded as well as could be expected, filled with awkward silence and sideways glances. Olivia was showered with the gifts, while each of the older women received just a few as part of their Christmas morning. Presents continued to be opened until all that remained was one envelope from Alison resting on Emily's lap and silence between them.

Sensing a need to be alone, Pam ushered herself and Olivia upstairs to play with some of her new toys.

Emily glanced over at her wife, who simply gave her a smirk before turning away. Dismantling the envelope, Emily opened the card to find a check fall into her lap.

"Read the card, please." Alison asserted to her right.

_Writing this card the day before Christmas is more complicated than I imagined considering that it's been over two weeks since I decided on this gift. In fact, I would be lying if part of me didn't think that we'd be together opening this card. In some ways, we are, but never in the way I had expected when coming home a few weeks ago._

_I digress. Over the past few weeks, you have relayed to me some things that have shown me ways that I haven't supported you as much as I should have after 2015. I unintentionally made you very dependent on me and my family's trust. Reflecting on the past few days, I've realized how difficult it probably is for you going into this next chapter without having that same stability. I would never want or seek harm for you or your future, so I hope that you can take this gift with grace and understanding. It has no strings or ties to me past today. I just know that in whatever way possible, the only way for you to fully move forward is this first step._

_Please just hear me out. Merry Christmas._

_\- Al_

"Alison, what is this?" she asked, holding up the check that had previously fallen. "It's literally an empty check."

Alison reached to her left, extending her hand, which Emily hesitantly took, "Listen to me, okay? We don't know what's going to happen between us, and each of us has very different ideas of what that will look like. So this… this check has nothing to do with us. This is about your future and your well-being and your mental health. I'm giving you whatever you may need to build a new home."

Emily's hand dropped, "What?"

"You said you couldn't live in our home anymore, and even a few nights ago, you talked about how you lost yourself in the trial and in us quitting our jobs. If this divorce actually happens, Em, you'll have no access to my trust anymore. I don't know what that ends up looking like for you. Still, I don't want you to go from being dependent on me to being dependent on your mother to being dependent on Maya or whomever else. If this is the last thing I do, I want to give you the ability to be independent and build a home that doesn't bring back everything you've been through."

Alison watched as Emily's face fell into her hands before standing up and walking into the kitchen. Alison quickly followed to find her wife pacing back and forth by the back door.

"Talk to me."

"I can't accept this."

"Yes, you can."

"You know that I can't. This would just be one more tie to you, Al."

"No. The house, wherever you decide to build it, would be in your name. I would have no ownership over it. It would be yours."

"Alison, it would always be yours. Every rivet would be in place because of you. Every choice I made would be because you allowed me to make it happen."

"Then tell me what you would do instead?"

"I'm already looking for a job. I have an entire degree that I'm not using."

"That's great, Em. I'm proud of you. But you're going to save money for years while living with your mother to buy a home?"

"Maya and I were going to go in on the house together."

"Using what?"

"Money from the divorce…"

"Whose money?"

"Mine…" she paused, getting the thread, "That I would get from your trust."

"Exactly. This is just so you can skip a step."

"What's the catch?"

"There's only one, and you're going to hate it." Emily glared at her across the kitchen, "For it to be non-taxable… we have to be married throughout the build."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Alison?"

"Money exchanged between spouses isn't taxed by the federal government. If we were to split, the funds I could give you would be limited."

"So this was your plan all along?" Emily began to seethe.

"You won't believe me, but of course not. When we talked about you not being able to tolerate staying in our house weeks ago, I had no idea that divorce was fully on the table. It's the developments from dinner earlier this week that fucked this up."

"But you wrote this letter yesterday; that's what you wrote."

"Because I ripped up the first letter, check, and envelope when I got home on Wednesday. It's in the fireplace. But I had to rewrite it last night because of my impulsivity."

"Bullshit, Al."

"It's not bullshit."

"Fucking high school Alison DiLaurentis came to rear her ugly head! It's so fucking typical of you. You can't stand to see something taken away from you, so you plot, and you plan, and you plead. And you put on an act in front of the people you need to impress, but you know every single fucking move before everyone else knows that they're playing against you. You want me playing this chess match with you until I can't escape this marriage no matter what I want."

"Who are you right now, Emily? Really? Who hurt you? Because it sure as hell wasn't me. You're trying to hold onto this idea that I'm doing this to hurt you. Can you open your eyes wide enough for one fucking second to see that I'm doing this for you? For Olivia. Hell, fucking throw Maya in there because she's reaping the rewards from this too. Think about it, Em. You think I want to watch my wife build a new home with her fucking fiancée in front of me with my family's money? You think I went home on Wednesday and tried to figure out how to prevent you from happiness a little bit longer?"

"I wouldn't put it past you…"

"She's poisoned you! She's fucking poisoned you, Emily. What about my happiness? What about this scenario benefits me? Sit and think about it because the only thing this does is prolong the inevitable. It puts you further from my orbit and pushes Maya closer into yours. I'm so sorry that we have to stay married for however long this process takes. Apparently, I've made you fucking miserable. And it's taken your high school spokesperson to come back from whatever hellscape she escaped to over a decade ago to give you enough of a fucking voice again to speak out against my tyranny!"

"Don't you fucking speak about her like that."

"Like what, Emily? She depleted you then, and she's doing it again. If you can't see that, I can't help you. But you need to watch more closely or not even the woman you were then will be left. I feel fucking sorry for you. That you have been given a chance to move forward like you've been craving for over a year. Like you've told me multiple times in the handful of conversations we've had. And when the opportunity is standing in front of you, all you can see is bad intent." Alison began gathering her things to walk out the door.

"Al –" Emily announced, trying to stop her from walking out.

But Alison turned around before her hand reached the knob, "I would never screw you over, Emily. I have never screwed you over. I have lived so much of my fucking life FOR you because you and Jason are the only family I have. Why would I destroy the only thing I have left, Emily? Your train of thought is flawed. It's been infected and is rotting from the inside out. Get a fucking grip! Take your blank check and go talk to your fiancée about what you want to do. When you want my signature on it, you know where to fucking find me." She turned back to the door muttering, "Fucking unbelievable. Merry Christmas, asshole. See you at 1."

* * *

Three hours later, after picking up Maya from her apartment, Emily and her fiancée hesitantly drove to the Christmas gathering as Emily caught Maya up on the events of the morning.

"An asshole? _She_ called _you_ an asshole after dangling a bribe over your head?"

"Yeah. I mean, I do see her point. She wouldn't be doing this if it didn't benefit me in some way."

"But you guys staying married is to her benefit. You know Alison's always wanted to win. At everything, no matter how minuscule."

"What do you think about it, though, My? We'd be looking at most likely at least a year or more of waiting if we decide to do a fresh build. And that's not including how long the divorce would take in and of itself. I would assume that we would do a clean split, but I'll be honest, when I signed those trust documents, I didn't go through them with a fine-toothed comb."

"Trust documents?"

"It was a requirement of any marriage Alison enters. I guess it's like a prenup, but there is a monetary value that stays with the spouse. It wasn't something I ever considered." Maya slyly looked at Emily as she tightened her grip around her hand. "Until meeting you, of course. But that goes without saying. You helped me find me again; I'm eternally grateful to you for that."

"You know that being with you is an honor."

"So you've said, but you still didn't answer my question. What do you think about it? We'd be able to build the exact home we've dreamed of and plan each and every part; we would just have to wait a little longer for us."

"I'm not thrilled with it, Em. It seems like a control tactic. How different would the cost of building a house from the ground up truly be compared to the divorce settlement?"

"You know I don't know that…"

"Then it's settled. We'll feel it out today. Try to evaluate her sincerity through the others and her approach of me in general."

"Sounds good. The past two times I've seen Ali though –" Maya coughed. "Alison, though, she's gotten irrationally upset. I think that I need to stay away for today, stick by you, Hanna, Caleb, Mom, and whomever else decides not to give us the cold shoulder."

"Next year will be better, Emily. I'm excited to see Liv; it's been almost a week. Sometimes I think that she will forget about me, especially compared to how often I got to see her before Alison came home."

"She would never forget. It's been a hard adjustment for all of us, but soon it will be our new normal. Promise." She finished as they pulled into the driveway.

Emily clutched Maya's hand next to hers in front of the door as if in desperation. She had a key. It was her house after all, but ever since this morning, Emily doubted if they would even be allowed past the threshold. After a few moments, the door opened, revealing Spencer on the other side of the door frame.

"Emily!" she exclaimed, reaching excitedly to bring one of her best friends inside. Spencer extended her arms in front of her to hold Emily at arm's length, "Merry Christmas! So good to see you. Talk later?"

Though nonchalant in tone, Emily and Maya quickly made eye contact to confirm the directness in Spencer's words.

"Of course, Spence! Also, I doubt you all need an introduction, but Spencer, this is Maya, my fiancée."

Spencer let go of Emily to place one hand on Maya's upper arm, nodding, "Yep. Good to see you again. You'll have to meet my fiancé at some point today. Wren's running around here somewhere."

Maya chuckled, "Great! I'd love to get some insight from another person brought into the group and see how he found an in."

Spencer began walking away as she talked over her shoulder, "Oh, he had no problem with that!" She shrugged while making eye contact with Maya once more before disappearing into the kitchen, "Maybe you all will just have to talk about something else."

Maya immediately grabbed Emily's arm, "How the hell is Spencer still such an ice queen? In high school, I thought it was just because she wasn't getting fucked; she has no excuse now."

Before Emily could reply, a voice rang out from behind them, "She probably just doesn't like you very much." Hanna replied endearingly as she wrapped her arms around Emily's waist from behind, "How are you, love?"

"Today's already been a doozy, Han. Sacrifice me, please. You'd be doing me a favor."

"Oh, stop! I've already talked to Ali, and she knows that we may not talk as much to prioritize you and your feelings today. If you need anything, Caleb and I are here."

"Well, thanks for that. How does Ali seem?" Emily asked with sincerity, and despite Maya's cough beside her, Hanna continued on with the conversation without pause.

"I think that's why Spencer wants to talk to you. She and Aria came over early to help cook and found her still in the shower in shambles. What the fuck happened this morning?"

"I'd rather not be airing our dirty laundry out to our friends. We're just trying to figure out how to proceed with the divorce an –"

"Divorce?" Hanna grabbed Emily's wrist before looking at Maya staring at her wide-eyed, "Sorry. It's just that I didn't think you both would be willing to go through with it."

"She's not." Maya muttered next to Emily, "Tell her about your gift."

"Can we not make this afternoon about this morning, please? It was traumatic enough."

"Nope! You know the drill. No starting stories we cannot finish." Hanna smirked in Maya's directions, "Thanks for starting the story! Now, Em, finish it."

"She just trying to buy more time, Emily. You know that, right babe?"

Hanna waved Maya off at her comment, which quickly caught the eye of Caleb, who came over to whisk Maya away from the conversation.

"I don't need her opinion influencing this. What happened?"

Emily sighed, pulling Hanna over to the couch, "She wants to build me a new house."

"For free?!" Hanna exclaimed, causing Emily to attempt to shush her.

"Yeah, for free. Like, give me all of the money I'd need to build it from the ground up."

"I'm really not seeing where the fight came in then…"

"It's some legal mumbo jumbo where she can only give me as much as I'd need in full and everything if we were still married. Like, we'd have to wait until after the house is built to go through with the divorce. And I can't help but think that this is some trick she concocted after Wednesday night."

"Is that when the D-word came up?" Emily nodded. Hanna immediately sensed the tears building up behind Emily's eyes as she considered where life had taken her. "We can come back to Wednesday, but we have to address the elephant in the room. You obviously still love her. I don't get it, Em."

"No, no. I never said that."

"But look at yourself. You can't even think about divorcing her without it bringing fucking tears to your eyes. I saw my mom and dad during their last months and weeks and days together, and trust me, it did not look anything like this."

"I'm not in love with her, Han. She's been out of my life for almost two years. I'm moving on."

"But why? Because you've done everything to try and save your marriage? Because there's no way you two can move forward? Or it is because going backward would admit that you fucked up somehow?"

"I didn't fuck up." It blurted out of Emily's mouth before she could stop herself.

"Then I'm happy that's settled for you, Em. I'm going to go help out in the kitchen. I can't get in the middle of all of this for my own sanity. But even if you don't think you fucked up in all of this debauchery, whatever you did or said this morning was fucked up." Hanna read Emily's face before she continued, "Look, you'll get it when you see her. Trust me."

Noticing Emily was now sitting alone, Maya came to fill the spot next to her. She wrapped her hands around her, trying to calm Emily down as she was visibly upset.

* * *

"Do I have to say 'Hi'?" Aria asked Spencer silently across the room, "It's been years, and just seeing her makes me want to vomit. Is that bad?"

"I mean, she ruined Emily's life then and is trying to ruin Alison's now. I think it's well within reason that seeing her makes you sick to your stomach. Alison is your sister-in-law now, which adds a whole other layer of protection for you."

"I want to fucking break her in two. This whole thing has really been destroying Jason. Look at him. He's so hyper-focused on making sure she's okay."

The girls glanced to their right into the kitchen to watch as Jason carefully stepped around his sister. While mashing the potatoes, he continuously looked up at her as if watching a child take her first steps. He asked rhetorical questions just to hear her speak. His focus was to take her attention off the reality of her crumbling marriage that was less than 20 feet away.

"It's sweet," Spencer replied, placing her hand on Aria's back.

"It's one of the many reasons I love him. Especially after this morning, I don't know how Ali's even keeping it together. Why did none of us think that this would be too much for her?"

"Because we had no fucking idea that Emily was engaged."

"Right. Right. This is a shit show, isn't it?"

"Mhm-hmm. At any second, this powder keg could explode." Their conversation paused as Spencer shouted into the kitchen, "Hey, Al? How much time until lunch is ready?"

"Twenty minutes or so, I think. Should be right around our 2 o'clock expected eating time."

"Perfect, babe." Spencer replied, tapping Aria's back before walking back into the living room, "Em? Can we chat now?"

Emily nodded as Maya pressed a kiss against her cheek. They walked out to the back porch to move toward the outdoor seating area where Wren, Mrs. Fields, Hanna, and Caleb sat talking.

"Wren, sweetheart? Can you guys take this inside? Em and I need to have a quick chat."

"Alone?" Hanna asked.

Emily placed her hand on Hanna's shoulder, "Yeah, in fact, can you go check on My?"

"You left her in there alone? With Alison, Jason, and Aria?" Hanna laughed aloud. "Sorry. If I walk into a murder scene right now, though, I'm not to blame."

"Not funny!" Emily called over her shoulder as the group made their way inside.

Spencer and Emily settled into their chairs, a dense fog falling over them. "I know this conversation isn't ideal, Em. But I can't tiptoe around this situation. There are people's hearts on the line, including yours, and I'm not sure that any of the three of you are taking each other's hearts into account."

"I don't know what you mean, Spence."

She sat forward in her chair, "Now isn't the time to bullshit me, Emily. I need some context from you because I'm not sure if you're aware, but Aria and I came over this morning –"

" – And she was crying the shower. Han told me."

"I don't think you understand. Em, she was on the shower floor, curled in a ball, and the bathroom reeked of gin." Emily's eyes shot open. "Don't worry. She apparently had a bottle hidden in the bathroom from a long time ago? The entire bottle was shattered in the bathtub. She assured us that she didn't drink anything, but it took me nearly an hour to get her out of the shower."

"Okay… what do I need to do?"

"You need to tell me what the fuck happened this morning. All I could get out of her was something about you not understanding her intention? And that you thought she was playing a chess match? That this wasn't a plan?"

Emily sighed, "I may have gotten in over my head during our conversation this morning. I said some pretty shitty things, so she called me an asshole and left."

"But why the breakdown, Emily? I don't understand why her wanting to gift you a fresh start caused you to be a shitty person."

"Because I need to do this without her. All of it."

"You do know that's impossible, right? She's the mother of your child. She's been your best friend for nearly two decades. She's your wife for fuck's sake. You literally cannot make a move without her being on board too. Why are you pushing her away?"

"She's not a fucking saint, Spencer. I'm not the only person who said shitty things this morning. I don't understand why I'm the one getting the third degree."

"I'm not starting an argument with you today. It's Christmas, and there is literally no place for that today, so I'm not going to give into it. Do you want my perspective at all? Or is this conversation pointless?"

Emily crossed her arms, "It's probably pointless, but go on."

"Okay, thank you." Spencer sighed, pulling her words from the recesses of her mind, "I want to start this by saying that I love you. You have been through so, so much, and I think that needs to be acknowledged in all of this. You've had to be strong when others would've broken down. You've had to put on a façade of being okay when anyone else would've tried to run. But something else that I do know is that when people face trauma, they construct fragile mental houses for themselves to live in that can be built with toothpicks. And those houses keep them alive. They make life survivable. They make pain and loss manageable." She paused, "And I think Alison coming back has made you confront some truths about yourself and your life that you tried to shield yourself from while she was away. I think that without her even knowing it, she set your toothpick house on fire with you still inside." Emily had no response. "And you're inside the house thinking that Alison physically took out this match and struck it against your protective barrier when, in reality, all she did was show up. All Alison did was walk back through the front door, and the trauma of your life had to be confronted. You're blaming your wife for showing up again when you're the one who wasn't ready to face it. You're the one who built a house of toothpicks and expected it to stand tall. And all I see is that time and time again, Alison wants you to know that she's still here, that she's showing up for you. She sees your trauma and your faults and your brokenness. She sees the house on fire and chooses to stand by you. She sees you wanting to start over and is willing to open the door to your burning building for you to escape. You're the one trapping yourself inside. You're the one self-sabotaging. And when it's all said and done, you'll both be left in the wreckage because you're too fucking afraid to leave a burning building, and she's too afraid to leave your side."

Emily felt her mind swallow her whole. Presented with Spencer's understanding of the situation put into question all of the beliefs that had been cycling through her mind since Alison went to jail that March morning. It made her doubt every swirling thought and opinion Maya had sputtered over the past year. It made her wonder if her footing was ever even stable to begin with. She saw too much truth in what Spencer was saying. So she stood up to walk back inside, covering her torso with her arms trying to protect herself from further bullets being thrown. But as she approached the back door, Alison started to walk outside to let the girls know that the food was ready.

When the blue of Alison's eyes hit Emily's, she felt the wind knocked out of her. Because standing in front of her was the opposite of the Alison DiLaurentis she had fallen in love with. Her face was bare of make-up, dark circles penetrating her once glowing skin. Her hair, still wet, framed her face in stringy strands. Her lips were pursed, trying to hold every emotion from the morning inside. And as soon as they came face to face, Alison shuddered, tearing her eyes away from Emily's as if pain surged through her veins just as the sight of her wife. Her lips pulled into a grimace as she finished trying to speak, obviously not expecting such a visceral reaction to occur.

Emily rushed past her without saying a word, immediately moving toward the now empty living room as everyone else was waiting to fill their plates. She paced back and forth in front of the fireplace, piecing together how to make it through the rest of the day. Alison had stayed outside with Spencer, and Emily watched as Spencer swayed side to side with the blonde in her arms. It was reminiscent of the way Alison had held her just weeks earlier out in front of Olivia's room. It was a reflection of a picture of her wife that Emily no longer connected to, no longer resonated with.

As much as she wanted the words she said this morning to Alison to be true. As much as she hoped that Alison was still as conniving and cunning and scheme-driven as she had been in high school. As much as she hoped that she was just a piece in some elaborate chess game that would soon be won and she could finally escape.

But as she paced, her eyes caught sight of something lingering in the fireplace. Dozens of minuscule pieces of white paper. The check. It hadn't been bullshit. It hadn't been a scheme. There had been no chess game.

Alison hadn't lit Emily's toothpick house on fire at all. Emily's the one who struck the match.

"What the fuck have I done?" she asked, as her friends' and family's laughter echoed in the kitchen behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There you are. A ton happened in those 5,000+ words so feel free to leave a comment about its mild insanity. Did y'all like Emily and Spencer's convo? What about Emison inability to have a valid conversation right now? Will Emily take Alison up on her offer?
> 
> See you next time.
> 
> Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	15. Lucid Dreaming

**A/N: Somehow this chapter initially got skipped over. This is meant to be BEFORE Devotion and Desire (hopefully I figured out a way to get it in the correct order). So sorry for the error.  
**

* * *

"What the fuck have I done?"

Emily pounded her fist against the fireplace gently as she considered every potential misstep she had made over the past 3 weeks. She opened the fist still flush against the wall staring at her new engagement ring, which at this moment made Emily sick to her stomach. Beyond the previous few weeks, Emily questioned when exactly she made the first wrong move.

It couldn't have been the separation. They both had agreed to the separation. Hadn't they?

* * *

_November 2017_

_Emily and Pam drug themselves out of Pam's hatchback only nine weeks after Olivia's birth. The first official freeze of the winter had hit a few days before, which seemed to make the drive up to the prison feel astronomically longer than the week before. After getting Livvy out of her car seat, Emily quickly passed her off her grandma. Not because Emily didn't have the desire to hold her daughter, but because her mind was preoccupied with more significant concerns. On conversations Emily had been ruminating on since the day after her last visit. None of the visits since their daughter's birth had been bad, per se, but Emily could sense the mounting tension between them. At Alison's inability to hold Olivia. At their inability to kiss or even hold hands. At the thought of Emily's next 327 weekends revolving around making Alison's visit a priority._

_Sitting in the visiting area, Emily held Olivia against her chest, attempting to ward off her continued colic. She pedaled her legs back and forth, willing the medication given before they left the house to keep working throughout the next hour for their visit. Emily smiled at the staff member that called her by name to the back of the visitors' section for communication. She passed Olivia back off to Pam before placing a kiss on her daughter's cheek, whispering 'I love you,' and walking through the screening area to be body searched._

_No more than 10 minutes later was Emily sitting in front of her wife, who appeared to have either just woken up or not slept at all._

_"Hey there," Alison spoke as soon as Emily placed the phone up to her ear._

_"Hi. I missed you, Al."_

_"You have no idea, babe. Is Liv here today?"_

_Emily looked behind her, "Yeah. She's out with mom in the waiting area today. I brought photos, but I kind of wanted our conversation today to be just about us."_

_"I understand, Emmy. It's good to see you. I will take what I can get." Alison placed her thumb on the glass between them while she rubbed back and forth, hoping that the care and comfort would seep through the over 3 inches of glass separating them. "I love you."_

_"I love you, too, Ali. More than you know..." They both exhaled simultaneously, "What's been going on? You don't look very good." Emily asked._

_"Ouch." Alison held a hand against her heart as if personally affected. She smiled sweetly though back at her wife, "No, you're right. I'm not doing very good right now. All of this is just a lot to take on. I have 23 hours a day to dwell on the lives I effected that reserved me a place in this prison. And every week that I see you, I can tell that you are struggling as a single mother, too, and I worry that there's no way for me to be enough for you. It's my constant worry."_

_Emily kept her eyes looking toward her lap, "This is really hard, Ali. For both of us. It hurts so fucking badly to see you looking so internally lost. The main reason I left Liv in the front is I wanted to talk about something with you, and I don't want you to be mad or upset at all. I think it will end up being better for both of us. But I think we should consider – "_

_" – a separation?" Alison mumbled on the other side of the phone, sending shock straight through Emily. "Don't look at me like that, Em. I know you better than I know myself. You're not happy."_

_She sighed, both out of relief and out of internal torture, "I'm happy with you, but when I only see you for an hour each week, it gets challenging. I just don't know how to become a better version of myself right now. I feel stuck."_

_"I don't want you to feel that way, Em. We both shouldn't feel like we're in jail... It's hard not being able to do anything for you during all of this. It's hard feeling responsible for both of our emotions from hundreds of miles away from each other."_

_"And if we work this out somehow, you're still going to want to be with me when you get out?"_

_"I think that question more applies to you, Emily. Who the fuck am I going to meet behind bars?"_

_"Oh? Surrounded by dozens of women daily?"_

_"They all pale in comparison to you, sweetheart. I'll be here for you for as long as you will have me. I'm not going anywhere."_

_Emily exhaled her first unobstructed breath in a matter of minutes, "Okay... How do we do this?"_

_"Well, I'll have to reach out to my lawyer and Jason. I'm not sure how all of this works with me on this side of the glass, but I'll make sure you're taken care of. Just promise me that you and Livvy will still come to visit."_

* * *

Is that where it happened? Though Olivia came to visit her mother at least every other month, after that day, Emily could never return. It hurt her too badly to see and sense the heartbreak taking place before her very eyes. The only attempt she could make toward connection came in the form of a letter once a week, along with their nearly daily phone calls. But from the time Alison came home, she knew that nothing had gone right. The mental breakdown Alison was having in Spencer's arms just outside their backdoor began and ended with Emily's selfishness. And for as much as Emily realized this, as much as she resonated with the idea that Alison's heartbreak was her fault, she knew she couldn't go backward. She couldn't rewind conversations, events, or choices.

But even though she knew it was impossible, Emily knew that she would've given anything to still be engaged to Maya, while not breaking Alison's heart in two.

"Em?" Maya's hand on Emily's shoulder sent her jumping into the air. "You alright? We need to go fix our plates."

"She's not lying about the house, My. I need to go and apologize."

"What are you talking about, Emily? You don't owe her anything. Just like with your separation, she's trying to trap you in this marriage. We're moving forward, and that scares the shit out of her."

"No? What are you talking about? She never has tried to trap me."

"So all of the stipulations in your separation agreement that you two had to stay in contact? That wasn't a control tactic?"

"Wasn't that just so she wouldn't lose contact with Liv?" Emily asked, questioning her own version of events.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe. But I watched your demeanor change daily when you spoke to her on the phone."

Emily pulled Maya's into the hallway behind them as she saw Jason and Aria peek their heads into the living room from the kitchen, "Because I was fucking lying to her!" She whispered once she knew they were alone again.

"I'm not going through this again. You are separated. You've done nothing wrong, and she's still trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty. We fell in love, Emily. Don't feel guilty about that."

"That's not what I feel guilty about. Of course, I am so happy that your love fell into my lap." Emily placed a tender kiss against her fiancée, trying to keep a delicate balance between her wants and needs.

"Good. Come on, let's go eat. Trust me, there's no need to apologize for anything that has happened today. She's the one who called you an asshole. She's the one trying to prevent us from being together by looping you into some fucked up contract to build a home. The sooner you realize that you don't need Alison DiLaurentis, the better off you'll be, my love."

Emily exhaled, "You're right. Today is not the day. If I still feel this way later, I can schedule something with her then."

"Exactly, beautiful. Let's not put any more of a dent into Christmas than we need to." Maya placed their connected hands against her face as they kissed once more, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Walking back into the living room area, both Maya and Emily were now both in the direct line of sight of the dining room table. Spencer, Wren, Aria, and Jason were all already seated, staring directly back at them. They watched as three of four snapped their heads to the plates before Spencer smacked Wren in the back of the head to follow suit.

"It's okay, My. Give them time," Emily whispered, holding her fiancée's hand tightly as they walked back into the kitchen.

"Plate?" Alison asked as they turned the corner, extending a beige plate in Emily's direction over the island. Tears were still collected in the corner of her eye, which she tried to wipe away discreetly.

"Oh, thanks," Emily replied, as she passed the plate off the Maya before facing back in Alison's direction as though she may pass another plate their way.

But Alison shook her head, "Nope. She can get her own."

As Alison spun on her heel to get more mashed potatoes, Emily grabbed the back of Maya shirt as she took an aggressive step toward Alison. "Don't you dare," Emily whispered under the breath.

"Don't _you_ dare." Maya spat back. "Do something."

"It's her house. Stand down."

"You heard her, My." Alison said over her shoulder, mockingly, "Stand down."

"Alison." Emily replied harshly, "It's Christmas; both of you stop."

Alison laughed, setting down her plate behind her, "That sure didn't stop you from essentially spitting in my face this morning, babe."

"I was meaning to apologize for that. There was no need for me to – "

Alison stuck her hand out between the three of them, "She is not a guest in my home, Emily. She is your guest in my home. If she can't accept the fact that I'd rather not have her here today and, therefore, will not be assisting her throughout the day, then you can tell her that she's more than welcome to leave. Does she understand?"

"She understands." Maya bitterly replied.

"Perfect!" Alison clapped her hands together, smiling. "Let's eat!"

She walked away as if nothing had happened, which signaled to Emily right away that Alison was terribly hurt. She had never processed rejection correctly and tended to display extreme reactions when feeling exceptionally low.

"Fucking psycho," Maya whispered as she started getting her food.

"You just said that you understood. If you're not going to respect what she asked of you 10 seconds after the fact, she told you that you were welcome to leave."

Maya turned toward Emily, shocked, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, not at all." Emily replied, wrapping her arm lightly around Maya's waist, "But you are going to stop trying to make waves today. Don't ruin this first Christmas all together for Olivia, okay?"

"I think Alison's already done enough ruining for all of us. But fine, whatever you say."

The afternoon continued on with consistently steady pauses, and lapses in conversation as all of Alison and Emily's friends and family tried to navigate the increasingly tense festivities. As long as Emily stayed away from Alison, and Alison stayed away from Maya, and Maya stayed away from Jason and Aria, and Jason and Aria stayed away from Emily, all was okay.

The biggest blind spot of the day, though, was Olivia. Because not even Alison could've predicted how she reacted the moment she turned the corner from cleaning up after lunch to find her contentedly placed in Maya's arms.

Though all was innocent and unintentionally provoking, there she stood with Olivia perched on her hip. Maya holding Olivia's hand while they spun around slowly. Olivia laughed as Maya picked up speed and then slowed down unexpectedly. Alison leaned against the wall watching her wife as Emily's eyes looked at the two of them in wonder. Alison could only assume that this was the future Emily envisioned for herself. A future where Alison stood aside and allowed the connection Livvy and Maya already had to blossom.

Standing against that wall made Alison increasingly more anxious even though none of the other parties were even aware of how she may feel amid such simple consoling. But as she found herself getting more and more agitated, suddenly Spencer swooped in to intervene.

"Hey, Maya? Could I hold Liv for a bit? I haven't seen her since the summer, and I'd love to catch up."

Maya smiled and easily passed Olivia along, sending an unexpected inhale into Alison's lungs. She watched as Spencer spun in Alison's direction, pausing long enough to wink before bringing her over to Wren for even more interaction. A few moments later, Emily copied Alison's stance against the wall while starting a conversation.

"Thank you for that." It wasn't an olive branch, but it was an amicable opening.

Alison glanced sideways, "I don't know what you're –"

" – For letting Maya hold her. Until I saw your face over here, I hadn't thought about what that might feel like."

"Just light betrayal." Alison laughed, confusing Emily, who replicated Alison's laugh to keep the conversation going.

"Can we talk outside, Al? We need to clear the air from the past week."

Without replying, Alison walked to the backdoor and opened it for Emily to exit first. They silently walked to their respected chairs, a comfort compared to the sharp words exchanged since their anniversary dinner the week before.

"Like I mentioned earlier, I've been meaning to apologize for this morning. It never was my place to question your intent with your gift. I really do appreciate the offer and the sentiment behind it."

"What made you realize that I wasn't being malicious?"

"Our history, for one." Emily took a breath, "But I also saw the envelope in the fireplace. If you didn't lie about that, then I figured you were sincere."

"That's what blows my mind, Emily. At no point in our relationship have I been maliciously insincere. Sure, I've tried to escape the truth or weave a different story from the facts. But that was all for your benefit. It was all for you. There's no reason for me to start now. Not when the only thing I want for us in the world is to be a family again. Whatever that looks like."

"I know. That's on me. I heard the words "stay married," and my mind went black."

"So, you don't want my assistance? With the house stuff..." Hesitancy laced her words. There was fear behind them that Emily hadn't sensed earlier that morning.

"To be honest, Ali, I don't know yet. Part of me wants to take my next steps without your money."

"I understand the vanity behind that sentiment, but I don't understand the downright refusal. This is for you and Olivia. For a new start. A new foundation."

"Which is why I'm still trying to figure it out. Is that okay?"

"Take as long as you need, Em. But I'm telling you that if everything does become official, the sum drops astronomically in what I can contribute."

"I understand. We can wait until after the divorce if that's how long it takes to decide."

"You say it like it doesn't burn your tongue to say."

"What? The d-word?"

Alison laughed, "Oh, now it's the d-word? Saying it this morning made me sick to my stomach. I fucking hate it, Emily. And I really hate that I've had no say in it all. I hope you can at least see my frustration in that."

"I do. That's why this isn't something I'm taking lightly. It's a big deal for me too."

"Then why do it, Emily? Why give this up? Six days ago, you said you still love me. You know that I love you as much today as every day before. What makes Maya worth it?"

"I can't answer that."

"Because you don't know the answer or because you think I won't like the answer?"

"Probably both, Al. The answer doesn't come straight to my mind, though."

"If I were you, I'd find that extremely concerning. You deserve to be in a relationship where that answer never leaves your mind. We're back to last week when you couldn't answer any question I asked."

"I get it, okay? I know how frustrating this must be because you just want a fucking answer, but I don't have one. I can feel ourselves starting to go back in circles again, so I'm going to head inside." She stood as she looked back over her shoulder to her wife, "I started this whole journey trying to figure out who I was, and what would make me happy in life. I need the time to put those pieces together and come to a decision. I'm sorry."

Alison's voice was nothing but a whisper as her words followed Emily back inside, "I was under the impression that I was what made you happy, Em."

* * *

After their conversation on Christmas Day, both Alison and Emily respected the fact that they needed some time apart, considering all of the mini blowups that had occurred throughout the day. They continued texting about any and all decisions involving Olivia. But Emily made sure that she was never home when Alison came to watch Liv and vice versa. On the occasions where Emily needed to come over to Alison's, Alison would simply stay in the master bedroom while Emily was there. This went on for several weeks as their opposition faded into the new year without any discussion of Alison's gift or their impending divorce. The lack of conversation about it became the new normal, and Emily was settling into the fact that at this rate, neither discussion may ever come back up again.

One Thursday, when Alison was meant to come to take care of Olivia in the afternoon, Emily was busy cleaning up and getting together everything she needed for her errands when she heard a knock on the door.

"Oh!" she jumped, startled from the heavy-handedness behind its force, "Come here, Squirt! Maybe Mommy's here early." Emily bounced her back and forth on her hip as she spoke, "You get to play with Mommy today. You're going to have so much fun, and don't worry, I'm going to be able to handle our first in-person conversation since Christmas perfectly! Just you watch."

She opened the door with a smile, "I didn't expect you for another half hour, Ali – oh, hi." She grew startled at the stranger on the other side of the door. "How can I help you?"

"Are you Emily Fields?" the man in the suit asked ominously.

"Yes? Is everything okay?"

"You've been served. Have a nice day."

Emily closed the door behind her puzzled as she called behind her, "What the hell is this? Mom? Mom?!"

"What is it, sweetheart?" Her mom replied, coming out of her office.

"I don't know what's happening. I just got served?"

"Okay, come sit, Em. I'm sure it's fine. I'll take Livvy."

As Emily sat down, a cold feeling drifted through her limbs, opening the envelope. Turning the contents upside down, two items fell out before she pulled out a thick white packet of papers.

**IN THE COURT OF COMMON PLEAS OF THE FIFTY-NINTH JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA**

**ALISON LAUREN DILAURENTIS – PLAINTIFF**

**VS.**

**EMILY CATHERINE FIELDS – DEFENDANT**

**COMPLAINT FOR DIVORCE 3301 (c)**

"You're kidding me..." she mumbled as she picked up to two pieces of paper that fell out of the envelope first.

The first item was another blank check with Alison's name listed at the top. But this time, written across the middle in bold, unmistakable letters was the word: **VOID**.

The second was a purple post-it note written in Alison's handwriting with seven words that knocked the breath out of Emily as she processed them.

In cursive, the only other words Alison had for Emily were simple. "Made the decision for you. Happy now?"

And that's when it hit her. Emily had wracked her brain, trying to distinguish and decipher exactly when coming back from her choices was impossible. The separation. Maya and Emily's first kiss. The lying. The engagement. But none of that was the case.

Because the first wrong move Emily ever made was thinking Alison would go down without a fight.

* * *

**A/N: OOP! Alison's calling Emily's bluff. Will it backfire or lead to an even more explosive next chapter? Sorry again for the incorrect order of posting. It won't happen again.  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.  
**

**Thanks for it all,**

**secretpen28**


	16. Devotion and Desire

**A/N: I'm not sure how exactly this happened, but I accidentally missed a chapter between the last chapter and this one. I am in the process of editing that now. For anyone who has already read this chapter, please go back one and read 'Lucid Dreaming' as it occurs prior to this. So sorry for the error.**

Alison needed answers. Not the kind found in less than a second on a search engine. Not the ones that are kept hidden within a book that just needs to be opened. And certainly, not the answers that Emily Fields was demonstrating to be incapable of forming. But for as long as Alison had been in her wife's life, all she ever needed was a push. A simple, yet unexpected step forward off of a platform headed toward definite decision would force Emily to figure it out. At least that what Alison hoped.

  
After everyone left Christmas Day, Alison realized that she hated the word choice. It indicated the preference of an object. A one-sided transaction. Not a desire to be. To care for. To nurture. To cherish. Alison wasn't a choice. Emily was not going to be able to select her. That is if Alison had any say. It was her biggest issue with all that had deluged her marriage since returning home. As draining as Emily's decisions were, none destroyed her as much as not knowing what was going on while she was gone. Emily had ripped away Alison's ability to decide for herself. She had ruined all they had built together without Alison realizing she was even in a demolition zone.

So all Alison wanted was to take back some control. All she desired was to put Emily on similarly rocky footing. She wanted her wife to be as shell shocked as Alison was the moment she saw that gold band on Emily's ring finger. And though Alison didn't want a divorce to be even a potentiality, she knew the only way to move forward for her own well-being was to kick Emily when she wasn't looking. A step Alison never would've been able to take before.

* * *

_After their college graduations and Alison's move to Philadelphia to support Emily in obtaining her Masters, Emily and Alison began spending as much of their days as they could together. Though they had only been long distance for less than 6 months, there were building a foundation they were unable to cement apart. Of course, it was beneficial that the two had been friends for such an extended period before starting a relationship. But along with that comfortability came barriers of friendship that had to be broken down._

_Saturday mornings were for laziness. Though Alison typically exuded a constant desire to go, go, go, she welcomed the pause of Saturday. She appreciated the calm that came from laying in Emily's arms without a care in the world. Their bodies tangled together, leaving few openings to decipher where Alison ended and Emily began, other than Emily's distinguishing olive skin._

_"Can we stay like this forever?" Alison's whisper echoed through Emily's eardrum as they lay silently, yet peacefully in their bed._

_"Of course." Emily fully turned to face her girlfriend, wanting the glow of Alison's bright blue eyes to radiate through her skin. She placed her nose on Alison's, tracing up and down the bridge with the very tip of hers. Just like her touch, their relationship was still delicate. Still had ebbs and flows that were not fully fleshed out. Emily tenderly placed a lingering kiss on Alison's lips before tracing her nose once more. "I love you."_

_Alison sighed, tucking her toes underneath Emily's calves, "I love you. How am I so lucky?"_

_"Because you take the chances I would never think of taking." Emily smiled, brushing a tendril of Alison's blonde locks from in front of her freckle-faced glow._

_"You know, I've never asked about that day…" Alison paused to prop herself up on her elbow. "What did you actually think when I kissed you? I mean, your 'woah' was fairly universal, but I'd love to get more into the mind of my beloved Emily Fields."_

_Emily snickered, tucking her chin into her neck in shyness, "You've been stunning since 6th grade, Ali. But until December, you had always seemed unattainable. You're always so sure of yourself, so confident, so enamoring. I had settled in my head that being close to you, being in your presence would have to be enough. So when you brought me into you… well, it was magnetic. It was unlike any other kiss I've been a part of. You kissed me with care. And other than 'woah,' all I could think when our kiss deepened was 'finally.'"_

_Alison smirked as she drew closer into Emily, "It was something like this, right?" She placed her fingers delicately below Emily's chin before slowly tracing Emily's lips with her own. She waited to feel Emily's neck arch up to meet her further before gently nibbling on her lower lip. Emily moaned into Alison's mouth as their kiss became more intense. Their hands roaming for each other as they were still learning the patterns and frequencies of each other's bodies._

_Pulling away, Emily bit her lower lip as their eyes reconnected, "It was something like that."_

_"It was the best decision I ever made, Em. I hope you know that. I was waiting for someone like you to come along but forgot to look right in front of me."_

_"Me too, Al. If I had known you were coming, I would've waited forever. Fuck everyone else; it's always been you."_

_Alison looped her fingers in the top of Emily's t-shirt as she crashed their lips back together, ecstasy surging through their veins. And as they began getting carried away, Alison mumbled against her girlfriend's lips, "Finally…"_

* * *

On the first Thursday of the New Year, Alison walked into Hastings, Miller, & Hastings Law Firm twenty minutes before her scheduled appointment. She adjusted her ironed skirt and blouse, ensuring to tousle her curls to appear lightly disheveled before the elevator doors opened to floor 3.

"Good morning. Can I help you?" the woman at the opposite end of the room stood to greet her. She was new. Well, at least since the last time she had stepped foot into this building over two years ago.

"Hi. I don't have an appointment on this floor, but I'm here to talk to Spencer. We… well, she's one of my best friends."

"Yes, of course. Let me check to see if she's free." The doe-eyed, porcelain-skinned brunette hesitantly pushed her chair in as she walked to Spencer's door, opening it slowly. "And you are, again?" she asked back over her shoulder.

"I'm Alison. Alison DiLaurentis," she spoke loudly, hoping Spencer would hear.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!" she heard Spencer groan from inside of her office. "Ali, come in!" They made eye contact as Spencer kept talking, "While you're standing there, meet my new executive assistant. This is Cassandra. Cassandra, Alison. You always let her in; she's a blue."

Alison extended her hand, "Alison. Nice to meet you."

"Cassie. You too. And yes, Ms. Hastings. I will make that note. She's a blue."

"A blue?" Alison asked as Cassie closed the door behind them.

"Yeah, it's a color system I created a long time ago. Red, always a no. Yellow, buzz me but probably "in a meeting." Blue always allowed but must wait if I have a meeting. Green always allowed, free to interrupt."

Alison sat across from her best friend, trying to not wrinkle her skirt once again, "So who's green if I didn't make the cut?"

"Mom, Dominic, and Wren." Alison nodded as she dug through her purse, anxiously, "You're going to be okay, Al. This needs to happen."

"Does it?" she looked up, desperately seeking reassurance.

"Of course it does. Emily has you held in some damn torture chamber and is expecting you to stay in there like fucking Schrodinger's cat or some bullshit."

"Schroding – oh whatever. I'll be here all day if I ask for clarification. I just – I'm going to hurt her."

Spencer scoffed, "You are going to hurt her? That's fucking rich! You're just bringing back a part of yourself that's been dormant for a while. As much as you were a total bitch in high school, I kind of miss it. Ar and I are ready to see her in action again."

"I'm sure you'll end up being mildly disappointed then. I've never wanted to hurt, Em. That's why I'm tip-toeing."

"You can't tip-toe through divorce, Alison. By the way, my mom can definitely help you after this first meeting if needed, but I should definitely stay out of all of this from here on out. I'd like to remain as impartial as possible."

Alison's phone alarm went off, signaling 5 minutes until her meeting, "You? Impartial? Yeah, right. I have to head upstairs, though, Spence. Thanks for getting me this spot; I know he's usually booked solid."

"Anything for you, Ali. Just answer his questions, and he'll get you all sorted out."

Alison walked back through the foyer, waved 'Bye' to Spencer's assistant, and cautiously waited for the elevator to come back to the 3rd floor. She desperately exhaled as she hit the 5th floor, simply labeled 'Miller.' And as she stepped out, he was already waiting by the desk for her.

Dominic Miller was always dressed sharply, fitting the cutting edges of his always freshly shaped beard and slicked back black hair. He had always terrified Alison from afar, despite having a consistently welcoming smile.

"Ms. DiLaurentis." He announced, walking toward her, hand already extended.

"Mr. Miller. Thank you for this."

"Of course, and please, call me Dom."

"Okay, great." She chuckled, "I'm Alison."

"Alison. Love that name. Come on in." He ushered her into his office as he continued speaking, "Today's meeting is quite simple. I just have a series of questions for you so that we can draft the serving papers. Today is not about the story; it's purely factual. We can get into the story more should we go to court."

"Court?"

"Yes. If your spouse decides to argue any of our proposals or argue against the divorce itself, we are required by law in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to go to court."

Alison ran her hands through her hair desperately, beginning to panic at every step she hadn't yet considered. She hadn't stepped foot inside of a courtroom since the day of her sentencing. Courtrooms had never been too keen on Alison DiLaurentis.

"Does that sound okay, Alison?"

"Sure." She gulped down the vomit she felt creeping up her esophagus.

"This will be a lot of call and response. So, please go with me. To confirm, you currently live in the state of Pennsylvania?"

"Yes."

"As does your spouse?"

"Yes. My wife. Emily."

"And you both have lived here for over six months." He continued as I nodded, "Great. Why are you divorcing Emily? Also, did you have a pre-nuptial agreement?"

"I guess the court-ordered term would be irreconcilable differences. And no, we did not."

"From what Spencer briefed me on, though, your wife is currently engaged to someone else?"

"Yeah… I recently got out of jail. Long story. And, yes."

"Right." Dominic nodded, "The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania v. DiLaurentis. I knew your name sounded familiar." He cleared his voice before continuing, "Those would be considered grounds for adultery, Ms. DiLaurentis."

"Typically, yes. But from my research, that cannot be filed as we currently have a separation agreement."

"Legally separated. Great to know. Do you happen to have that document on you?"

"Yes, of course." Alison pulled out her small blue folder from her purse. "I had this drawn up by Veronica while I was in prison. All aspects of the separation are currently being followed in full."

"Perfect, and how long have you and Emily been separated?"

"1 year, 1 month, and 21 days. But when I got home last month, we did live together for a few weeks before Emily moving back in with her mother."

"Pardon the question, but this is all for legal documentation purposes. During those weeks spent living together, did you two have sexual relations at all?"

"No, sir. We did not."

"Is there any scenario in which Emily would state that you had?"

"I mean, no. It would be a lie."

"I understand that, Alison. But if even doubt can be established by Emily, then we must reset the waiting period for divorce. That would make you both eligible for divorce two years from Emily's move out date."

"She shouldn't, no. It would be a lie, but it would also tell her fiancée that she cheated. Even though she didn't. Needed to clarify that. Again."

"Understood. And children. Do you share any minors between your homes?"

"Yes, one. Olivia. She is one and a quarter."

"And how does she currently spend her time between the two of you?"

"She lives with Emily and my mother-in-law. I come over to visit every day for hours at a time."

"Would you like that arrangement to change at all as a part of this divorce?"

"Yes, sir. I would like 50/50 joint custody."

"I understand. Is there a chance that Emily would contest that request?"

"It will be the point of most contention, yes. But I think it's incredibly reasonable."

Dominic nodded, adjusting his papers before continuing, "Again, I have to ask. But considering you recently were released from jail, I assume you have some terms of parole."

"Yes, sir. Two years where I cannot leave the state. I also am unable to drive for six months until I pass a series of consecutive blood alcohol tests, and I meet with a parole officer twice a month."

"You do understand that the terms of your parole will make your case for custody a difficult one?"

Alison's face dropped, "Why is that? The blood alcohol tests won't be an issue. I haven't consumed any substantial amount of alcohol since college."

"Aside from your son's baby shower and the day of your accident, correct?"

She pinched in the inside of her cheek with her molars, detesting the fact that her past might come back to haunt her another time.

"And that's not to mention the public record from your trial? The previously closed case out of Massachusetts?" Dom continued. "Sorry. Like I said, I was familiar with your case."

"That – that. I mean, even during trial, it was never meant to be a released offense."

"Refresh my memory then, how in the world did a case in a state that does not share driving offenses get released into the court of law?"

* * *

_Visitor's Weekend at Boston University couldn't have come faster for Alison, who, in her senior year of high school, was bursting at the seams to escape. Her life was a double-edged sword of inconsistency and strife. Exemplifying the ideal image of being put together away from home while falling into the bottle nightly in attempts to escape the perfection she had crafted only hours before, had turned Alison into a semblance of who she had dreamed of being going into college._

_Driving the 5 hours to her new beginning gave Alison a new lease on life, even though she still had to drag her mother along in the passenger's seat. Passed out from her binge the night before, Mrs. DiLaurentis was there in body but definitely not spirit. The caveat of needing to have an adult during Visitor's Weekend was Alison's biggest nightmare. She knew that despite going to Boston University was a near given, she still had the strongest desire to make a good impression across campus._

_With this in mind, though, Alison got into her own head. It's not to say that Alison blacked out across the course of her weekend. Still, if she had to recollect the story today, she would selectively leave out the worst parts of her cautionary tale. All she could clearly remember was the off-campus sorority party her mother and she showed up to already intoxicated based on witness statements. As the night continued, it quickly became apparent that her mother was unable to maintain her composure, and Alison's first instinct was to run._

_It was only a 3-mile drive back to their hotel room from the party, but it also only took 1 mile of that drive for Alison to be pulled over. With her mother passed out in the front seat nearly unresponsive to the police officers series of questions, and Alison lucid but blowing a blood alcohol content level of .06, there was no choice but for the officer to arrest them both. Though Alison blew below the legal limit, any presence of alcohol in her system was illegal as an under-aged drinker._

_Alison's father showed up less than 12 hours later, ranting and raving in the police station. His voice palpitated down the concrete walls toward the drunk tank Alison and her mother had been stored in. And though Alison never truly comprehended precisely how it happened, after a few tense weeks where it was unsure what the repercussions for her dumb mistake would be, it was never mentioned in her household again. And no consequences followed her to college._

_Her parents refused to acknowledge it, and Jason forced Alison to move in with him later on, so he could make sure she didn't fuck up her life any further. For Alison, though, it was a small price to pay compared to the potential of jail time, fines, or even her scholarship being taken away. So since then, she had done all that she could to not ruin a good thing when she had it._

* * *

"So, it got closed then?" Dom asked, crossing his legs to consider the story once more.

"Yeah, it was. I was a minor, and my parents made it relatively disappear because I was about to start college there. I was asked not to say anything to anyone, but of course, told my friends, who remained fully tight-lipped for years… but then Emily took the stand at my trial."

"She was one of your character witnesses, correct?"

"Yes, sir. And when asked about my previous struggles with alcohol, considering I blew a .06 on the day in question –"

"She mentioned the closed case, didn't she?" Dominic sighed in front of me.

Alison nodded, feeling the same pangs in her heart from that day of trial. "She was just trying to give the best recount she could of the facts. She didn't know that it would reopen the public record. I can't blame her for it."

"I remember now. It changed much of the course of your trial."

"That compounded with the drinks at the shower and my drinks the day of 'formed an undeniable and dangerous pattern for the jury'… at least that's what the judge referred to it as at sentencing. I shouldn't have had to serve time in the first place. It should've been an involuntary manslaughter charge with an additional civil trial."

"JUDGE CHOOSES TO SET EXAMPLE IN DILAURENTIS TRIAL." Dominic waved his hand across his eye as though seeing the headline in his eye once more.

I nodded, "7 years, $5,000 fine, and over $500,000 in restitution for Chance Baker's life."

Dom and I sat in silence as he waded through my story. "How does Emily feel?"

"Insanely guilty. I served my time. I'm a better woman and mother because of it. But Emily considers herself at fault for the accident, for the sentencing, for all of it." Alison's head fell to her chest, "I think it's why she wanted to separate. She couldn't look at me behind that glass without feeling like she was the sole cause. Em would never say that was the reason for our separation. To this day, though, she can't look at me without a tinge of regret shining through her eyes."

"Understood. We got off track a bit, Alison. I meant for today to only be about the facts."

"Right, right. I'm sorry. It's hard to get to this step without having all of that other mess behind us, though."

He affirmed Alison before continuing through her thought, "For any reason, do you deem Emily to be an unfit mother?"

"No!" Alison asserted rather heavy-handed after reflecting back on her trial. She coughed to bring herself back down to their conversation, "I don't care for her fiancée."

"Is your daughter in harm's way under her care?"

"I would hope not. But no, I wouldn't believe so."

"Then her fiancée is a non-sequitur to this settlement. Would there be a financial settlement?"

"Yes. I am the partial owner of my family's trust, which appreciates interest and funds monthly. As a part of our marriage, Emily signed into the trust. It is an agreement indicating that in the case of a divorce, she only has access to the funds appreciated throughout the marriage and not the trust in its entirety."

"I understand. How many people have current access to the trust?"

"My father. My brother. His wife, Aria. Emily. And myself."

"What is the percentile access for each accessor?"

"My father has 50% ownership, while Jason and I each own 25%. As a part of our marriage agreements, we each signed over 10% to our partners, with access solely to interest accrued."

"Yes, of course. And how much interest has the trust accrued over the past 4 years?"

I passed him the documents as I spoke, "A little over 20 million dollars."

His eyebrow raised as he tried to continue through his questions swiftly, "So, Emily has access to?"

"10 percent of that interest. At least 2 million dollars."

"Is that something you would like to argue?"

"Not at all. In fact, I would like for the amount to be increased, if possible."

"I'll write down that it's something you are willing to do, but I think it would be best if our initial write-up did not involve more money. Most likely, Emily will come back requesting more, and we can adjust based on her request. Does that sound alright?"

"I get that. I don't want her to think that I'm unwilling to give her an amount I believe she deserves, though. Knowing her fiancée, she will easily turn that against me. Could we start at 3 or 4 million so that she may be more lenient for the custody agreement? I want this to be as amicable as possible."

"We can start with 3, then. I believe that's all I really need from you today, Alison. Do you have any other questions or anything you'd like for me to add?"

"When will she be served?"

"In 7-10 days, depending on the courier service. But I will be finishing up the paperwork to send off to a judge by tomorrow afternoon. I'd say late next week? Wednesday through Friday?"

"Okay… Please treat us both with care, Dom. Neither of us deserves to be going through this, and I'm starting these proceedings to hopefully gain some movement behind my wife's words. She's honestly the best woman I've ever met. She's just lost right now."

"I hate to break it to you, Ms. DiLaurentis, but divorce won't help you find her."

"I appreciate the concern, but I disagree. You don't know her like I do."

* * *

_The past few months of Emily and Alison's relationship had been tumultuous and painstakingly challenging to process. Since moving back to Rosewood and buying a home, both women struggled to determine exactly where they were headed and how they each fit into each other plans and ideals._

_"It's not that hard to understand, Ali. I want us to move forward too, but I don't think I can do that here. How the fuck do I use my experience financing commercial real estate if Rosewood doesn't even have a commercial downtown? Would it really be that detrimental for us to move back to Philly?"_

_"We're settled here, though! I mean, we discussed this. We agreed. We bought a house! I wouldn't want to move again and change everything up when you're not even sure you want us to get married. Why would I move again with you if you can't even make your mind up on us?"_

_"I have made my mind up. I love you today, and I know I'll love you tomorrow. Isn't that enough?"_

_"Not if you want us to pack up our lives again and move to Philly!" Alison plopped onto the couch, sick and tired of being caught in this endless cycle again and again. "We spent so long deciding our next best step together and now after only a few months, you're reneging."_

_Emily sat down next to her, wrapping Alison's hand between hers, "You know I want to fix this."_

_"I do, too, but we're caught at a crossroads that neither of us is willing to compromise on. I thought this move was us heading toward a more permanent commitment."_

_"And I don't want to form a permanent commitment until we know that we both can build a stable foundation for our future."_

_"We have a foundation…" Alison stared at her girlfriend, desperately seeking her eyes._

_Emily sighed, looking up at her, "Your trust is your foundation. It's not mine. I know we could never work again if we really didn't want to, but I can't live my life sitting around all day. We moved here with the hopes that I would be able to be okay building out our lives without a job. But I need to put my passions to use. It's been long enough; I need to try to do what I love."_

_"You are what I love." Alison moped, pouting._

_"Come here." Emily danced her thumb across Alison's cheek as she pulled her in for a kiss, "You are the cutest. I love you too, Al. More than anything."_

_"I need a commitment." Alison kissed Emily's temple._

_"And I need more stability first."_

_Alison nodded, "Then we have to break up…" she let the words hand like a cloud over their living room._

_"What?"_

_"It's non-negotiable for me, Em. I don't just want you just today or tomorrow. I want you forever, and I know that we can be happy here. I don't want to fuck up the consistency we already have. I want to marry you, and I will tell you that from now until forever. If you can't do the same and you really think that moving somewhere else together will give you that clarity, then we have to break up. Either you know we're meant to be, or you're unsure."_

_"I can't believe you." Emily stood up from the couch, wringing out her hands, "I know that you moving to Philly was a lot. You took that leap after us only dating for 6 months. And I did the same for you when you wanted to move back home because I knew how much our relationship was worth it. I knew that then, and I know it now. But being here isn't what I expected. I want to progress for myself and now, you won't do the same for me? But then say you want to break up because I simply want to take a chance on my own abilities and not solely depend on you? I just don't get it."_

_"I need answers, Emily! I'm not going to spend the next year wondering if you might be ready for marriage in the future. We've spent the past two years headed to what I thought was the same end goal. I just want to know that's still in the cards."_

_"In an ideal world, you are the only person in the cards. You've been the only person for over a decade, Al. I don't know what I have to do or say to convince you that in an ideal world, I would never let you go." Emily smirked, walking toward her girlfriend, hoping that her words were convincing enough to drop the argument altogether. "At the same time, though, this world is not ideal. Our lives will not be perfect, and your belief that having a commitment means nothing will ever be fucked up in our relationship again is seriously flawed."_

_"But…"_

_"But for you, I'll always be in."_

* * *

She sighed, snapping herself out from her memory. The only thing scarier to Emily than commitment and dedication was the thought of being alone. The thought that Alison may have somehow gained the courage over the past 8 years to actually move on without her.

"I need answers. And all she needs is a little push." And with that, Alison sauntered out the door, more unsure of herself than she had been in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hope you all enjoying gaining Alison's insight into sending that divorce proceeding to Emily. Next chapter will entail Emily's reaction and the turmoil that is bound to come from all of that. See you all Sunday!
> 
> As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	17. Just A Dream

**A/N: Trying to bookend this whole mess with the chapters by posting another today. To anyone who read Devotion and Desire yesterday, please go back 2 chapters to read 'Lucid Dreaming' which was meant to be posted prior to what you all read yesterday.** **For anyone unsure if they are reading this in the correct order, the correct order is a) Lucid Dreaming b) Devotion and Desire c) Just a Dream.** _  
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**Please make sure to go back and read Lucid Dreaming, which starts back up at Christmas Day, if you haven't. It is crucially important to understanding Emily's mindset in this chapter. Thank you.** _  
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**Also, I just found another chapter that happened to not be uploaded. *sigh* It's called 'Edge of Desire' and it is in its correct place now. So sorry.**

**Apologies again for anyone confused or derailed at all by my errors. I believe that I have corrected them. Thanks again.** _  
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* * *

_6:00 PM_

For as long as she could remember, Emily Fields loved the feeling of falling in love. From the way a lover's eyes glowed in the moonlight, to the feeling of security wrapped in someone else's touch, to the butterflies.

The fucking butterflies.

It was the way that they hit you when you least expect them. A few simple words or even a brief glance could send a lump in Emily's throat, accompanied by nervous energy building up inside her. Despite feeling like the jitters, real and unapologetic butterflies thrived in the early stages of falling in love.

With Alison, the butterflies first settled in just moments after their first conversation in middle school. Even with Emily's apprehension of being liked in the days and weeks ahead, Alison had tried to reassure her immediately. From the moment their fingers linked together for Alison to walk Emily to her first class, she was lost. Lost in her own head. Lost in the butterflies. At the time, she didn't link them to anything particularly romantic. It was the way someone was protecting her without question. It was the way that Alison's guidance through that hallway let her know she wasn't alone.

With Maya, butterflies weren't a part of the equation until after a few dates. Maya was more cautious than Alison and teetered back and forth between extreme commitment and apprehension. So after weeks of Maya bouncing between two sides of the same coin, she waited until the end of a date when they were kissing in front of Maya's house. Tilting back from each other's lips, Maya whispered faintly, 'I'm all in.' And even though it was only 3 words, a pack of butterflies invaded. They jumbled Emily's thoughts, clouded her judgment, and made her 'all in' as well without a second thought.

That was the danger with butterflies. With Alison, they made Emily lost. And with Maya, they made her jumbled and clouded. For being one of the greatest feelings in the world, Emily getting the butterflies also meant losing a part of herself to them.

These thoughts raced through her head as she began putting together every event of the day. So much had happened since receiving those papers in the mail less than 8 hours earlier. To try and rationalize it all, she had to go backward. She had to figure it out step by step.

* * *

_4:00 PM_

"Walk me through it, Em. I want to know each piece of this puzzle inside and out. Help me understand."

Emily looked content. She was wrapped in the arms of her fiancée. Maya encircled the ringlets of her hair with her delicate fingertips. Resting on Maya's chest, her hand finely perched atop her lackadaisical breaths up and down, Emily knew she should be content. She knew that helping Maya understand was the first step towards understanding how she felt as well.

Because even though Emily looked content, internally, she felt herself spiraling out of control. From the moment she read Alison's fateful note, Emily had fixated on it. No matter how she tried to escape her new-found reality, she felt haunted.

_Made the decision for you. Happy now?_

Why wasn't she happy? It was what she had first proposed. It was the choice she had been heading toward ever since she accepted Maya's proposal. It was inevitable. So why did the idea of it no longer make her happy?

Divorce. It had a name. From the word divert, meaning to change course. Meaning to turn from one direction to another. Altering each other's lives from the idea of forever to the idea of never. A continual belonging chopped to a definite end. It had a name that Emily was once all too familiar with. But since holding those papers. Since seeing those words typed neatly in the center of the page. She was in denial.

"Baby… we have to talk about it. Your mom was worried when I came over this afternoon."

Emily remained silent on Maya's chest despite her pleas. Talking about it wouldn't fix its permanence. Talking about her fears and confusion wouldn't change the fact that Emily had to reply to Alison's complaint. Emily had to take the next step.

She wasn't ready to step forward. She was still stuck in the revolving memory of that morning.

* * *

_1:00 PM_

Catching her breath was not an easy task. Her gasps left little to work with and made Emily wonder if the cold pangs hitting her lungs at each inhale represented the coldness of what was to come. Her limbs were shaky and felt distant at every new trial inhale. She could hear her mother's voice in the distance, trying to center herself back into her childhood living room. She could feel the air getting thinner around her as her world cascaded back into view.

The papers once in her hands now lay on the ground at her feet. Her hands had found their way behind her head, which was between her legs as she heaved. Her brain was swarming. But without a cohesive thought in sight, it felt like she was drowning. It felt like a punch in her gut that came from behind. And as she spoke, she realized that her voice sounded just as shaky and unsure as Alison's had in that parking lot just weeks earlier. This is what it felt like to be blindsided. This is what her wife had felt like for nearly a month.

"Why would she do this?"

"I think she's calling your bluff, sweetie."

"You think?" Emily stood, swinging her arms behind her in protest, "She can't come over here. I don't care what the plan was for today. She fucks up my plans; I'll fuck up hers."

"Emmy…"

"No, Mom! We were figuring it out. Who knows what these documents say? Is she wanting this to be immediate? Is she wanting to keep the house or sell it? Does she want custody of Liv?"

"We can call a lawyer, Emily. You need to calm down. To be fair, this is the ball you got rolling."

"Whose side are you even on? This is bullshit. We could've discussed this; we should've discussed this!"

"Sometimes, people's actions mean more than what their words can say."

"What are you talking about, Mom?"

"Well, Sometimes people speak incessantly but never take any action or don't follow through. If you characterize someone by their actions, you'll never be fooled by their words. I'm sure a part of Alison thinks you two have spoken enough about getting divorced. She wants her actions to speak for themselves."

Emily sighed, taking a breath for what felt like the first time in over a minute as she paced toward her cellphone.

**Sorry for the late notice, but Maya just showed up over here. I'm going to postpone my errands til this weekend. Raincheck on you taking care of Liv today?**

A few brief moments passed before Alison's reply came through,

**Of course. I can switch around my day. Thanks for letting me know, Em.**

* * *

_4:00 PM_

The irony of the century. 'Thanks for letting me know, Em.' Why had Emily given Alison the consideration of a proper text when Alison hadn't sent her a heads up in the first place? Why was Emily receiving this news on a piece of paper instead of being directly spoken words face-to-face? Why would Alison think this was the right step –

"Because it's what I did to her…"

"What was that, sweetheart?" Maya's head perked up from lying on the pillow in Emily's bedroom.

"She's doing this because it's what I did to her."

"I'm not sure why you're surprised; she's always been malicious."

Emily propped her head upon her elbow as she kept talking, "Malicious. Really? That's what you'd call her move today?"

"Yeah, babe. Malicious and calculated." Maya looked back at her, concerned as Emily spun off of her bed and began pacing back and forth in front of her window.

Her head was back to spinning. "But if Ali's –" Maya coughed immediately, "But if Alison's doing this because I didn't give her the heads up about us while she was still in jail. If she's doing this because of what I did to her and even you, think that she's being malicious and calculated, was I being malicious and calculated too?"

"I don't follow."

"She didn't talk about this with me in person because I didn't give her that opportunity either before we got engaged. She blindsided me because I blindsided her. So if you think that she's being malicious, you have to think that I was being malicious too?"

"No, you were following your heart."

"So then Alison is just following her heart?"

"No, Em. She's being cruel. You don't deserve being treated or told this way."

"And she did?! She deserved coming home and finding a golden band on my finger instead of hers? She deserved finding out I was in love with you from our daughter instead of from my lips? She deserved me bringing up divorce on our anniversary?" Emily's hands were coursing through her hair, unsure of what was up and what was down.

"None of that was planned though, Em. Look at what you're saying. You didn't expect to tell Alison the day she came home about our engagement. You didn't expect that Olivia would tell Alison my name before you could. You didn't expect your anniversary dinner to go so poorly that you felt like discussing divorce was the only option. Alison planned this. Since she's been home, she's been trying to figure out how to be on top, how to make you freak out and deteriorate before her eyes. And she finally fucking did it. She finally figured out what would make you fall."

"Is that what's happening right now? Am I crumbling?" Emily walked toward the mirror attached to her dresser to see the hollow circles slowly being carved beneath her eyes.

"Yeah, Em. You're cracking." Maya wondered over to Emily as she continued speaking, "Here. Turn to me. I'm right here. I love you, and I'm here with you. You need to get it together, but that doesn't have to be right now. You're allowed to crumble. You're allowed to fall apart. I'm here to catch the pieces. I can put you back together. In fact, that's what I do best."

"So she's malicious, but I'm following my heart?"

"You always follow your heart. You are the most dedicated mother, fiancée, girlfriend, and daughter that I've ever been with. You are the most selfless person in the world, and I love making every decision and choice for our future… Together. You were my light through the dark, and I'm here to be that for you now. I'm here to answer any question you may need the answer to."

"Okay…" she nodded into Maya's shoulder.

"If you want, we can even go to the lawyer together, babe. We can tackle this together. Alison won't win; we will fight her every step of the way to make sure you get what you deserve." Maya leaned up to kiss Emily delicately, "Unless that's not what you want. Do you not want to fight? If you don't actually care about us like you say you do, then you can accept the terms she sent now and be done with it."

"My, of course, I care about us. I care about us so much. I'm doing this for us."

"That means you want to fight. You want to fight against her manipulation, babe. You want to go against her cruelty. You want to ruin her calculations. You are so strong and powerful."

"Okay. I'll think about it." Emily inhaled, wrapping her arms around Maya's waist, "I've been in my head too long."

Maya smiled endearingly into her fiancée's eyes, "You are strong and powerful and so fucking sexy. You are passionate and honest and true and devoted. Let me help you get out of your head, sweetheart. Let's not think about it too hard."

And before Emily could even process their conversation from beginning to end, Maya had her straddled on her bed. She couldn't tell if it was the pressure of the day or the pressure being placed upon her hips. Still, all Emily wanted was for it to disappear as she succumbed into her fiancée's touch.

* * *

_6:00 PM_

Her thoughts were racing for far too many reasons. Maya and Emily had since traded places from their conversation earlier in the afternoon with Maya's head now lying on Emily's bare chest. Her fiancée's gentle inhales and exhales let Emily know that Maya had drifted to sleep as they lay wrapped in their sheets. Olivia would be waking up from her afternoon nap shortly. But Emily hoped Pam would arrive home before she began to stir so that Emily could work out every detail in her spinning brain instead.

Even after their passionate lovemaking, part of Emily still felt uneasy about her and Maya's conversation. Even though Emily believed a resolution had been reached, lying naked in the arms of the woman she loved took the weight off of their discussion. And looking back, she wasn't sure if she and Maya had come to any conclusion at all.

Why had Alison blindsided her? Was it for the reason she had deduced? Was it truly because Alison wanted to replicate the feeling she had coming home? There had to be more to it. Alison might have been bitter, but she wouldn't have done something this drastic purely out of spite.

Emily's brain swirled. There had to be another answer. Answers. That's what it was. That's what Alison had said during their last full conversation at Christmas.

_We're back to last week when you couldn't answer any question I asked._

Hitting Emily like a ton of bricks, she wracked her brain, 'Have I answered any question today?' When she looked back on her entire day, though, she only saw her questions being answered, never the other way around. Emily asked dozens of questions about what was happening, why it was happening, and how she should feel about it. But at no point in time had Emily made those decisions for herself. She had only been told. She had been told what was happening and why and how and what she should do about it. Even with her mother and fiancée, Emily had become silent in the face of being unsure.

But that didn't make any sense. All she ever felt was love. Her days were now filled with the butterflies. Maya enticed them with her every touch, her every motivation, her every word. Words. That's what it was.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Emily whispered aloud, trying to trigger her memory back to her mother's conversation with her earlier that day.

_If you characterize someone by their actions, you'll never be fooled by their words._

In the heat of the morning, that sentence had passed through her memory briefly before disappearing. But trying to piece it together, she began tearing her conversation with Maya apart.

_She's always been malicious._

_Malicious. Really? That's what you'd call her move today?_

_Yeah, babe. Malicious and calculated._

But after seeing Alison's torn-up note and check in her fireplace on Christmas Day, Emily knew that Alison hadn't changed in the slightest. She still wanted what was best for her. She still wanted Emily to be supported and settled. Maybe she had wanted to catch Emily off guard, but not for the sake of maliciousness or calculation. And yet, by the end of their conversation, Emily was now on Maya's side.

_You want to fight against her manipulation, babe. You want to go against her cruelty. You want to ruin her calculations._

_Okay. I'll think about it._

On top of that, Emily thought she was getting somewhere earlier today in understanding her wife. Emily had started realizing the missteps that she made with Alison coming home. The lack of warning and the overwhelming nature of the news.

_She's being cruel. You don't deserve being treated or told this way._

_And she did?! She deserved coming home and finding a golden band on my finger instead of hers? She deserved finding out I was in love with you from our daughter instead of from my lips? She deserved me bringing up divorce on our anniversary?_

Emily was trying to make sense of it all. She was getting closer and closer to being able to relate to Alison, but as soon as she reached forward… Maya pulled it away.

_Alison planned this. Since she's been home, she's been trying to figure out how to be on top, how to make you freak out and deteriorate before her eyes. And she finally fucking did it. She finally figured out what would make you fall._

Emily rolled out of bed, eyes wide open. Looking back over her shoulder, she began questioning her butterflies, which were slowly fluttering away to make way for the pit in her stomach. Throwing on a robe over her nude figure, she left her childhood bedroom to walk 3 doors down to Olivia's room.

There was no way that she was onto something. Maya's words consoled her. They helped her. They made her feel like she belonged during a time when she felt out of place. Fooled by her words? There was no way. And as Emily kept pacing down the hallway, she began jumping between their conversation and whispering out loud into the darkness.

_Yeah, Em. You're cracking._

"She told me how to feel…"

_You need to get it together, but that doesn't have to be right now. You're allowed to crumble. You're allowed to fall apart._

"Is that what she wants me to do? Does she want me broken and crumbled?" Emily shook her head in her hands as Maya's words continued cascading down on her.

_I'm here to catch the pieces. I can put you back together. In fact, that's what I do best._

Since high school, all that Maya had down was put Emily back together. Is it what she did best? When each time Maya left, Emily was decimated, further put into shambles. She depended so much on her that when Maya being absent was the reality, Emily couldn't be present.

_So she's manipulative, but I'm following my heart?_

_You always follow your heart. You are the most dedicated mother, fiancée, girlfriend, and daughter that I've ever been with. You are the most selfless person in the world, and I love making every decision and choice for our future… Together. You were my light through the dark, and I'm here to be that for you now._

Emily froze in the hallway just outside of Olivia's room because her heart stopped at the way Maya had said one small sentence.

"I love making every decision and choice for our future. Did she really say that, Em? Go back. Think! There's no fucking way…"

Earlier she had paused. Maya had been speaking and nearly forgot to edit herself. 'I love making every decision and choice for our future.' _Beat._ Together.

Emily paced into the hallway bathroom, closing the door behind her as she began panicking, "No, no, no. She's not making the decisions. You're making choices too, Em. You're not going crazy. Maya's fine. Everything's fine. She's not making the decisions. She's not."

_I'm here to answer any question you may need the answer to._

"Any question I need the answer to? Shit. No wonder I can't answer anything for myself. Has she been there answering for me the whole time? What the fuck is happening, Emily?"

_If you want, we can even go to the lawyer together, babe. We can tackle this together. Alison won't win; we will fight her every step of the way to make sure you get what you deserve._

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Emily realized that Maya had begun to infiltrate her every action. Her every thought. Her every word. Her every belief.

_Unless that's not what you want. Do you not want to fight? If you don't actually care about us like you say you do, then you can accept the terms she sent now and be done with it._

_My, of course, I care about us. I care about us so much. I'm doing this for us._

_That means you want to fight._

"That. Manipulative. Bitch." Emily's hands began to shake as she realized the phrasing of her fiancée's conversations. The intense passion. The reliance of being the protector. Convincing Emily of one thing and then undermining her decisions altogether. Emily was the one who needed help in their relationship; those roles were never reversed.

_I've been in my head too long._

_You are strong and powerful and so fucking sexy. You are passionate and honest and true and devoted. Let me help you get out of your head, sweetheart. Let's not think about it too hard._

Had her smile leaning in to capture Emily's lips been one indicative of care or had she thought that she had won? That she had gone yet another conversation without Emily catching on.

Emily's gasps from this morning had now returned as she craved air her body had so desperately been missing. How long had this been going on? How long had she been manipulated? How broken had she been when they met and how many pieces had Maya put back together?

Her nervous energy sent the butterflies straight back into her chest. The feeling of not knowing, of wondering what potentially could be next, of being willing to jump no matter the consequence.

For as long as she could remember, Emily Fields loved the feeling of falling in love. From the way a lover's eyes glowed in the moonlight, to the feeling of security wrapped in someone else's touch, to the butterflies. And even though they felt the same, Emily could finally sense the difference. She could feel how lost she truly was. She could differentiate between her once clear thoughts now being clouded. She could feel all of herself that she had lost to chasing the same feeling with Maya again and again.

Because Emily now had the clarity that the butterflies she continually felt with Maya, weren't butterflies at all. They were warning signs.

* * *

 **A/N: Posting these edits today will take the place of my update planned for Sunday. So sorry again for the confusion. Please reach out if you have any questions. Thanks.** **  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	18. You Get What You Need

**A/N: In case anyone missed out on my snafu last week, I want to apologize for the chapters that I accidentally published out of order. It appears (based on comparative views) that most everyone went back to read Lucid Dreaming, Devotion and Desire, and Just a Dream in the correct error. Fewer people though went back to the chapter called 'Edge of Desire' that was also accidentally skipped by me. It isn't HUGE to the plot but does feature an Emison kiss!!! Please go back and read if you so choose.**

* * *

Stagnant and unmoving. Those were the feelings that penetrated the core of Alison since filing for divorce the week before. She knew that plans were in motion, that fragments of the world around her were moving toward a finality she wouldn't be able to return from. It was a strange duality between feeling as though everything was changing around her, though nothing had yet changed. Every time her phone buzzed, she expected it to be Emily on the other side. Letting her know that she got the papers. Screaming at her for making this decision relatively out of the blue. Wondering what prompted her to seek the end of their relationship. But it had been a week since meeting with Dom, and there was relative radio silence from Emily.

Alison was finally beginning to adjust to the silence of an empty home. It wasn't that she enjoyed being alone, but compared to the loud and ever-present sound of prison, she could embrace the quiet that was being gifted to her. If gifted was the right way to put it. Her day was broken up by spending time with Olivia. The few hours they had daily together were what drove her to continue building herself into a better and stronger woman. She could no longer live for Emily. She had to live for Olivia, and maybe once she grew confident in that, she could finally start living for herself.

It's not that Alison wasn't a confident woman. She knew her flaws as intimately as her assets. She wore her successes and failures on her sleeve. But after being in an over 8-year long relationship, a part of yourself becomes intrinsically tied to the other. Your ability to move forward is connected to the willingness to trust each other to take that next step. Having to take those steps alone for the first time in years was nerve-wracking. It sent chills down her spine and made her question her ability to be truly alone more often than not.

And because of that fear, she felt herself growing frozen. Not knowing what her next step should be. Unsure of how to live her life outside of taking care of her daughter. She didn't need to earn money. She had no immediate family in town to cling on to. Her friends were intertwined with Emily's, and she dreaded bringing them into the already present dramatics of a divorce just so she could have some company. No, Alison needed to move past her fear alone. On her own terms. In her own time.

A part of doing things on her own included making her way around the city. When she and Emily purchased their home years earlier, they made the conscious choice to not be directly in Rosewood. Their neighborhood was a little over 10 minutes removed from the town center, which gave them access to more land and more freedom as a family. But with her license suspended at least until June, Alison knew that those 10 minutes felt like a lifetime to reach some form of an external connection. It also made getting to her in-laws' house more of a trek than intended. Fortunately, just outside of their neighborhood, Alison had access to the bus, which took her right by the Fields' neighborhood as well as the city center. It had become her lifeline. Of course, she and Pam had worked out a system to get Ali home late at night after spending time with Olivia, but part of Alison loved the independence. It was a luxury she had never been trusted with before her late 20s.

Gathering her belongings to make the 15-minute bus ride to Emily's, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket.

**Sorry for the late notice, but Maya just showed up over here. I'm going to postpone my errands until this weekend. Raincheck on you taking care of Liv today?**

Alison sighed out of frustration. Maya had fucked over just about every other aspect of her life since returning home, so adding one more reason to the list seemed apropos. She took a deep breath to remain composed in her reply.

**Of course. I can switch around my day. Thanks for letting me know, Em.**

Switch around my day? It was after noon, and Alison had no other plans on her agenda. But if she took off her purse, changed back into pajamas, and got back into bed, Alison knew that the sadness would set it before 3. She knew that her ability to move forward for the day would be non-existent. She knew the day would become a wash. So she impulsively decided to head into downtown. She needed to get out. She had to do something for herself for once.

Breathing in the exhaust fumes from the open window on the bus, Alison took in the sites. She related to the trees. Barren from winter and attempting to stick out their feelers to determine when it would be safe again to bloom. Her personified. Though not entirely dead inside, the part of herself she showed to the world felt decayed and empty. Each day a struggle to determine if she was safe to try again. Constant worry about whether life was waiting around the corner to welcome her with open arms, or if a sucker punch was her awaited fate.

She looked into her hands as the bus passed the corner of Main and Hwy 14, still unable to face the scene of her crime. Every day she attempted to work herself up to lift her head. She owed it to herself to see that everything was okay again. That passing through the intersection did not need to bring her back to July 15th every single time. But that day was not today. She sent a silent prayer into the pregnant air for Liam and Chance. It was all she could do to cope.

Despite the frigid air of January in Pennsylvania, Alison immediately felt a shift as she walked into The Brew. The atmosphere was lighter, less dense, and felt comfortable compared to the harsh breeze waiting for her just outside of the coffee shop's front door. She unbundled herself from her scarf and tilted down her hood to brush the hair away from her face.

"Good afternoon! Coffee here or to-go?"

"Here, I think." She paused over the decision, which escaped her lips before her brain could counter.

"Feel free to grab a menu and take a seat. One of us will be out to help you soon!"

"Thank you..." her voice trailed as she looked around the petite coffeehouse. It was still as quaint as she had remembered from before her sentencing. But it no longer held tension from long talks with her lawyer that once were encased in the walls.

After ordering a Cappuccino and chicken sandwich, Alison settled into her corner booth. Laying her jacket and scarf on the seat next to her, Alison pulled out the latest book she was reading to let her brain escape for even 5 minutes. She loved allowing her head to pause and become engulfed in someone else's world. The feeling of going through the peaks and valleys of a character's journey together. Feeling their heartbreak, their triumphs, their breakthroughs, and yet being able to step away anytime the feelings got too real. Too close for comfort. As she began to lose herself today, though, allowing the bell to the entrance of the shop to fade behind her, she was interrupted.

"It is Alison, right?" she heard as delicate footsteps approached.

Looking up from her novel, she couldn't immediately place the person in front of her. But she recognized her eyes. Rounded yet still perfectly fit on her pale skin. And though her eyes were brown, Alison immediately could see the differences between her eyes and Emily's. The flecks of green surrounding her pupils drew her in before she had time to tell her heart otherwise. It temporarily stopped beating as the woman in front of her repeated her phrase.

"You are Alison DiLaurentis, right? I'm not mixing people up again, am I? I'm so sorry. I truly am terrible with names. You have to forgive me." She laughed, placing her hand over her heart as her brunette curls fell behind her narrow shoulders.

"You don't have to be sorry. My name is Alison, yes." She smiled, trying to get her thoughts to catch up to her speech, "And please forgive me, this week has been nuts, to say the least. I cannot place where I know you from."

"Oh, right! How silly of me. I'm Cassie." She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb, "Um – Cassandra Reid. I'm Spencer's assistant? We, we met last week briefly."

"Cassie. Oh my gosh, yes. I remember now. I knew that I recognized you from somewhere." Alison extended her hand again to stamp Cassie's features into her mind's eye permanently.

She giggled as Alison let go, sending a pit into Alison's stomach, "I'm grateful that you remembered me. I stood by the counter for a while second-guessing if I should come over and say hi."

"No, of course. Any friend of Spencer's is a friend of mine. Would you care to sit? Or are you headed back?"

"I'm on my lunch break while Spencer is on a lunch date with Wren. I figured that I would come here so I could get her a coffee before heading back. You know how much she enjoys her –"

And as Cassie continued on, Alison jumped in, repeating Spencer's order from memory, "Large, triple shot, half-sweet, caramel macchiato."

"I can't believe I've finally found someone else who knows her order by heart!" Alison exclaimed.

"It took me a week. But once she started asking for it daily, I figured that I might as well commit it to memory."

"Good call..." she felt the pause in conversation but didn't want Cassie to have a reason to leave. She had connected with someone for the first time since being released. It felt promising. "So, what brings you to Rosewood?"

Cassie nodded as she took a sip from her to-go cup, "Needed a change of pace. I'm from New York originally and moved down to Philly with my ex a few years back. When that fell into pieces last year, I knew that I needed to get away from the hustle and bustle of the big city. And Veronica, Spencer's mom? Well, her assistant Megan is one of my friends from Columbia. She told me about the opening with Spencer's practice and put in a good word."

"And you're enjoying it? I know that it can be a little – "

"Monotonous?"

"Exactly. We're a lazy town. Nothing too interesting goes on around here."

"I'd beg to differ. You seem pretty interesting..." she tilted her head toward the table, allowing her eyes to look back up at Alison endearingly.

The coffee she was swallowing suddenly stopped in the back of Alison's throat, sending her into a coughing fit as their eyes met. Attempting to push her uneasiness down, she interrupted her cough with another statement, "Tell me about Columbia."

"Right, right. I graduated 3 years ago. Turned 25 on New Year's Eve, in fact."

"Oh, happy belated birthday. Congrats to you!"

"Aw, thanks. I have a feeling this is going to be a good year. I mean, this may sound kind of crazy, but I can feel it in the air, you know? It feels comfortable for the first time since I moved here in the fall."

"I know exactly what you mean. What did you study in school?"

"Linguistics, specifically Aramaic. It's a sister language to Hebrew. I used that to accompany a concentration in English."

"That's fascinating. I studied English as well at BU, but I'm really intrigued about what led you to that major." Alison found herself resting her head in her palm, looking intently at Cassandra as she spoke.

"I was interested in the history and movement of language. It has shaped so much of how we interact with the world. It's has shaped so many aspects of cultural interaction today, and discovering that nuance, when paired with everyday language, continues to influence how I appreciate everything around me even now."

"I love that."

"Like, for example, take our conversation right now. Thinking about the influence and confluence of our pasts that impact the way we can speak fluidly with each other is so deeply rooted in history that goes back generations. The mechanics of our sentence structure and our emphasis, drawl, expansion on thoughts, everything is based on how we were raised and constructed in the world around us. Language is truly formed by every aspect of society and the world we live in. it's one of the first building blocks of being in time."

"This is going to so weird, so just follow me for a moment. But it's been so long since I've heard someone speak so passionately about a topic they find interesting. it's quite beautiful to watch."

"Please feel free to interrupt me. I can kind of get lost in it all."

"I think that's what's so comforting about it, though. For as much as you are a part of it, I'm sure it's nice to be so familiar with it all that part of you is removed from it. It's instinctual for you."

"Definitely..." she smiled weakly again in Alison's direction, "I'm sorry about earlier." She spun her finger in the air as if recalling a memory, "Causing you to nearly cough up your coffee."

"No, that's okay. I was caught off-guard. That's all."

Cassandra blushed, "Do you mean to tell me that not one person in Rosewood has flirted with you recently?"

"Flir – flirted?" Alison stopped in her tracks again.

"Well, yeah. Why else would it have taken me so long to work up the courage to come over here?"

"I don't know. Why would it have?" she asked, genuinely not comprehending that someone other than Emily had ever intentionally laid eyes on her.

Cassie paused, looking Alison over, studying the confusion and fear behind Alison's eyes before continuing, "You really don't know... I hate to be the one to break it to you, Alison, but your looks are kind of intimidating."

"Intimidating?"

"Yes." She paused to laugh again, filling up the restaurant with endearment, "You have some of the most gorgeous features of any woman I've ever met."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I know that after stopping by Spencer's office last week, you went up to Dom's floor – " she spoke through Alison's attempted interruption, "The elevator floor number above the door."

"We're early in the process." She realized that she hadn't spoken to anyone about her divorce. It was comforting, but Cassie was a stranger. Alison stopped. "You know? I'm so sorry. This seems like a lot. I think –" Standing up quickly, she instinctually pulled her jacket toward her, adjusting her top, "I – I'm flattered, Cassie. I really am. I just think that maybe –"

"No, I get it. I would've kicked myself if I hadn't tried, though. I hope you know that."

Alison nodded politely as she started walking away, replaying their entire conversation back in her head. That's when something clicked. The way Alison had felt about the coffee shop walking in earlier today is exactly how Cassandra had described it sitting next to her only minutes before. "She could feel it in the air, too..." Alison whispered.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Alison paid for her meal and walked back to the table with her receipt. Cassie followed her walk, an endearing smile growing on her face. Alison put her coat on over the clothes and started talking, "You said something earlier about the air. How you think it's going to be a good year because the air now feels –"

"Comfortable, yeah."

Alison's eyes fell to her hands as she sat back down next to Cassie, "Well, I thought the same thing when I walked in here today. The air felt different. I felt safe for the first time since I – "

"Since you got back to Rosewood... I understand." Cassie reached across the table toward Alison's face, "Sorry, you knocked some of your hair into your lipstick when you threw your coat back on. Let me." She briefly brushed her hand next to Alison's lips to pull the small strand of hair stuck in her crimson red tint. "There you are."

"Thanks. Um, yeah, since getting back to Rosewood."

"I'm sure it's been an adjustment, Alison."

"It has." She was being cared for, and her brain was skipping, "Sorry. Can you let me finish this? I went over it a few times before turning around, so I wouldn't fuck it up."

"Yes, of course."

"Where was I?"

"Walking in here, you felt safe for the first time." Cassie leaned into the conversation, placing her hand on the table.

"Right. I felt safe, and at first, I thought it was just because it was a familiar place. But then, talking to you. Learning about you. Seeing you... it just makes me wonder if maybe the air changed because the universe knew you were headed my way."

"Maybe."

"So, I guess. I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to get my number, and we can set up another time to get coffee soon. If that sounds good to you." Alison darted her eyes away from Cassie as she began writing fervently on the back of her receipt, hoping that she would reciprocate Alison's invitation.

"I'd love that," she reassured, reaching her hand forward to link one finger just on the underside of Alison's palm. Alison flipped her palm upright as Cassie lightly tightened her grip on Alison's palm with her thumb, gently tracing down her hand before letting go at Alison's fingertips. Alison tore off the top of the receipt and passed her number to Cassie, "I'll call you, okay?"

Standing up reassured, Alison adjusted her coat, taking a deep breath as she looked Cassie over one last time, "Okay."

* * *

**A/N:** **Tell me everything! How do you like the introduction of Cassie? How's her personality? Her candor? Her relationship with our protagonist? And Alison, how are feeling about her maybe making an attempt to take a step forward? Is it a good thing? A bad thing? How will Emily react?**

**Next chapter, we're back with Emily in the hallway bathroom of her home realizing that she's engaged to one of the most manipulative characters I've ever written! Can't wait to see you all Sunday!**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**Love you all,**

**secretpen28**


	19. If Love Isn't What You Want

"What? Can you try that again for me? I can't understand – No. Em, wait. Give me a minute. I'm in the living room with Caleb, let me go somewhere quieter. Can you breathe for me, please? Are you okay? Is your mom alright? Start over for me, love."  
  
"I can't leave." Hanna caught the end of Emily's sentence as she closed her bedroom door behind herself.

"Leave? Emily, what are you talking about? I can't understand what you're saying through the tears."

"The bathroom! I can't leave. I can't walk out and face her."

"Look, babe. I know you think you're making sense right now, but there's no fucking way I could even attempt to put the 15 words you've said to me into a cohesive thought. Are you locked in the bathroom? Are you stuck? Do you need me to call –"

Emily groaned, on the other end of the line, "I didn't know who to call."

"That's okay; I'm here. Can you text Maya to come over while I talk you through it?"

"No. She's already here."

Confusion soared through Hanna's words, "But you called me instead?"

"She's asleep. I guess I typically would've called Alison, but she's divorcing me." Pause reentered the conversation as Emily's sobs drenched the other end of the line.

"What do you mean, Ali's divorcing you?"

"She sent the papers. She must've met with a lawyer and wants to go through with it. I haven't even been able to read them yet; the words all blur when I try to get them into focus."

"Could you call Spence? Could she help you?"

"Well, they came from her mother's law firm. Not from her office. The middle guy in the firm's name, Dominic Miller? So, I'm sure Spencer's already involved somehow."

"Alright. I mean, this isn't the worst thing, Em. We knew it was headed this way, right? You and Maya have wanted this since you got engaged, I presume. This is just the first step to that."

"Yeah. But that's another reason I called. I can't talk to Maya anymore. I think I'm losing my mind and might be engaged to a sociopath? That's why I locked myself in the bathroom. I don't think I can leave and face her. Han, am I going crazy?"

"A sociopath? Emily, what are you talking about? Why do you think that?"

"When these divorce proceedings showed up today, I called her over here to talk about it because I have to draft some sort of response so that deliberations can begin. But the things Maya was saying to me didn't make sense. I was trying to empathize with Alison to head in the direction of wanting an amicable divorce. But, she kept trying to spin my empathy. Like I was trying to calm down and understand, but she wanted to keep my upset, I think? My mind is still spinning. During that conversation, though, I think that Maya might have been… I don't know how to say it. Stalling me?"

"How so? Wouldn't she want you to be divorced for the two of you to then get married?"

"She does. It's complicated… It's like she wants the divorce to happen her way when she's not even involved. She wants me mad about it. But if this is actually what's best for Ali, Liv, and me, why would I be mad at her for doing what's best for us? You know?"

"Yeah, that does seem weird. She should be happy that it's headed toward an end."

"That's what I thought! And when I attempted to start making decisions about it, she kept twisting it around to being Alison's problem. But now that I've had time to think about it, I don't think it's Alison's problem. It's my fault we're in this mess."

"No shit, Em."

"Would I be crazy to think that Maya's manipulating me? Would it be so farfetched that Maya's looking for a way to gain something from my anger or my pain?" Hanna was silent on the other end of Emily's question. "Han?"

"No, Emily. I wouldn't be surprised."

"Really? Fuck. I started thinking about it tonight… it's like the way she phrases things. When I look back, they're unsettling. It's as if she wants the power, but not just in our relationship. She wants power over me and my actions and decisions. Anytime I come close to actually deciding how I want to move forward, she interjects or distracts me with sex or guilts me into reassuring her how much I care about her. And I do. I love her a lot, but part of me knows that Alison never spoke to me like Maya does. Alison never speaks that way to me even now. She wants me to be my own person. That's all Alison's ever wanted me to be."

"Look. I will never tell you what to do within your own relationships, but all of us have never been able to stand Maya. You lose yourself when you're with her. She leads you around through life, and you let her because it's comfortable. But with Ali, you two always walked side by side. That's all I'll say. You know what you deserve."

"How do I even try to talk to her about this? I didn't even know this was happening until today, and we've been dating over 6 months. Maybe Maya's stuck in this pattern and needs a jump start. She may not even realize she's doing it."

"Maybe, Em. We're getting into waters that I don't feel comfortable swimming around in. I can't tell you what to do or how to do it. But I also trust you enough that I think you already know the answer."

"Okay. Thanks for talking me off the ledge."

"Of course, babe. Love you."

"Same here. Bye."

Emily continued to sit on the edge of the tub as she hung up the phone. These were two separate issues, and she tried with all her might to not combine them. Of course, if she went deep enough, she could find the links between the two. But for her next steps, Emily needed to make sure that Maya knew they were separate. No matter how much Maya wanted her to believe they were intertwined.

"You okay in there?" she heard a knock at the door. Despite causing her to jump, Emily recognized the voice on the other side.

"Hey, Mom. How'd your afternoon go?" Emily took a deep breath, trying to keep it together.

"Pretty well. I was going to take Liv to the park. Do you and Maya want to come with us?"

"I think Maya's still taking a nap. Maybe we'll meet up with you there?"

"Okay, sweetheart! Hope you're alright."

She waited for the next dozen minutes until she heard the front door close shut again. Taking a deep inhale, Emily stood up from the tub, adjusting her shirt, hair, and face in the mirror.

"You've got this. You just need clarity. She's not a villain, Em. She's your fiancée. You've got this."

* * *

When Emily walked back into her bedroom, Maya was just coming out of the adjoining bathroom off of Emily's room, now fully clothed in her previous attire.

"There you are." Maya paused, grinning at Emily tenderly.

The pit in her stomach stayed, no inkling of the butterflies returning again now that she could see a different side to the woman in front of her. She inhaled. "Yeah, I was helping Mom get Olivia ready for the park. She invited us, and we can definitely go. I just wanted to chat about something real quick."

Emily sat on the edge of the bed, patting the cushion firmly for Maya to take a seat next to her, "Of course, babe. What's up?" Maya wrapped her hands around Emily's yearning for Emily to return her smile.

"While you napped, I was thinking back to our conversation earlier, and parts of it made me uncomfortable. Looking back on it, I mean." Emily could feel the sweat beginning to build underneath the top layers of her skin. The woman in front of her was either sincere or deceitful. It didn't need to be solved in one simple conversation, but Emily knew a dent needed to be made for her to know what steps came next.

"I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean?"

"When I was talking about the next steps for the divorce, it seemed like you are trying to make Alison the bad guy, and I don't want that negativity to continue. A divorce is negative enough without putting Alison's character into the mix."

"Emily, I understand what you're saying. My negativity should have no place in our next steps. We don't have to discuss it any further. Alison's maliciousness will shine through on its own."

Maya's blunt forwardness in trying to push the smallest boundary Emily put in place set her off. Emily stood walking toward her window, "But that's what I'm talking about! That last sentence. It's not warranted. You didn't have to mention your opinion about her."

"Opinion? Emily, what are you talking about? We just agreed that she was manipulating the situation before the nap. You agreed with what our next steps should be."

"It's not _our_ next steps, My. It's _my_ next steps. I'd love your support during the next few months, but this is in no way our divorce. You aren't involved."

Maya stood up in shock, "Who did you talk to while I was asleep? Did you call her?"

"Who? Ali? Sorry. Alison? No, I didn't. Why would you care, though?" Emily began attempting to turn her body away from Maya approaching her.

"You're talking crazy, Em. We've always been in this together, and now, you're trying to change your tune."

"I never chose a tune. I just want all of this to be less negative. I want to be in a good headspace for everything that's coming up. That won't happen if – "

"Who did you get all of this from? I've been working through all of this with you, babe. I'm not injecting your head with negativity!"

"I didn't talk to anyone. I told you I was thinking about this lying right next to you. Do you not believe that?"

Maya placed her body up against Emily's, bringing her hands up to her face, "Of course I trust you, Em. It's not you that I don't trust – it's everyone else."

Emily took one step back, bumping her heel into the closet. She was slowly feeling the tide turn in their conversation, and Maya was trying to win. "Who? My friends? My mother?"

"Whoever is placing these false ideas into your head. You're being dramatic about one simple conversation we had."

"I'm not trying to be, Maya. I'm just trying to set a simple precedent for our future conversations."

"Okay. I can do that." Maya walked back toward the bed, running her hand through her hair before turning around. "I think you misunderstood what I was saying though. You don't understand how I feel in all of this. How hard it is to feel like the afterthought. I'm trying to help solve this for us, and now, you don't want me to help."

"That's not what I said, My." Emily groaned, "This is so frustrating. I wanted to have a full conversation about everything we talked about that when stepping back from it, I don't totally agree with it. And we can't even get past the first thing."

"Oh, so there's more!"

"Of course, there is! You said some pretty shitty things about my future ex-wife. She's going to be in the picture for our entire relationship, so we need to iron it out. Especially before we start going through the divorce process."

" _Now_ there's a we in all of this? Nice to know I'm being considered for once!" Maya's voice raised as she continued to pace.

As she finished her thought, though, both Emily and Maya heard the front door close downstairs.

"I guess, Liv and Mom are back. Can we talk about this later?"

"This whole thing is so frustrating. You always do this… Making us stop right in the middle of us talking when all I want is for us to move forward successfully together. Fuck, Em. Just forget it. I don't want to argue."

Emily froze at Maya continuing to get more upset before she heard an aggressive voice behind her. "If you don't want to argue about it, maybe you should get the fuck out of here then."

Turning to face the door, a disheveled and obviously worked up Spencer stood there out of breath.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me, Em. You called her?"

"Not exactly, crazy. I heard that Emily was going into a potentially confronting conversation with you and immediately remembered how bonkers you become when faced with a truth you can't swallow. We sure as hell don't need a repeat of you and Alison at the hospital in high school. So, I figured that I would come to break it up before you say or do something to Emily that the rest of us would have to make you regret."

"I don't understand what you're even talking about, Spencer. I don't know what insane ideas you put into my fiancée's head while I took a fucking nap. But Em, you can call me when you're ready to talk about the rest of our conversation earlier. This is bullshit. Have a good night with your friends, babe."

Along with Maya went Spencer's negative energy, which faded into a half-grin when she left, "Sorry about that. Do you hate me?"

Emily inhaled for the first time in over 5 minutes before wrapping Spencer in a loose hug, "No, I couldn't. Um, thank you, though. I thought I had it under control. And then, when I brought up having multiple things I wanted to talk to her about, she started freaking out. I really have never seen her like that."

"This time around, right? Cause she was insane when you dated in high school."

"Spence!" Emily announced accusingly, "She was not!"

"Okay, Em. Whatever you say. I'd like to think I showed up at the perfect time. I had to race from work and everything, but Alison assured me it was urgent."

"Alison? I haven't talked to her today."

"Right, right. Han reached out to her. Called her an ass for not forewarning you that divorce papers were headed your way. Mentioned thinking that Maya was manipulating you. Told her that you were convinced that talking to her about it was the right option. So Alison ended that phone call as quick as she could and called me!"

"Why didn't Ali – Why didn't Alison come then?"

"Well, she'd have to Uber or take the bus first of all. Second, she said she was 'in the middle of things' at her place. I didn't ask questions. The phrase "old Maya may be back" was enough to light a fire under my ass."

"I got it. Thanks… I hope she's alright."

"Who? Maya?" Spencer scoffed, "She's driving home, planning how to get back in your good graces right now. Don't worry about her."

"I'll need to call her tonight, though."

"It's 7:30, Em. She can be a big girl until tomorrow. Make her sweat a bit."

"Ugh. Okay. What are you up to? After that argument, this room feels gross. Want to grab dinner or something?"

"I was actually going to go check on Ali. She sounded pretty concerned on the phone, and I haven't talked to her all week. Would you want to come with me? Say thank you for tipping me off?"

"Sure, whatever. I need to get out of this energy for sure."

* * *

Emily felt tense the entire way to Alison's house. Today had been a whirlwind from beginning to end. Maybe seeing Alison in person would give them a chance to smooth parts of their relationship over from Christmas. They could walk into their future deliberations with the same end goal. All she needed to do was put on a smile, breathe, and check on her wife. They would be in and out. No big deal.

While pulling into the driveway of their home, Spencer's phone started ringing, "You're kidding me. Sorry, Em. Private convo from a client. Feel free to go in; this won't take long. Promise."

"Yeah, sure." Emily slowly climbed out of the car as she whispered to herself, "Excellent. Get to confront Alison alone. This isn't a problem. You've got this. Just walk up to the front door and knoc –"

But before she could raise her hand to the door, it opened on its own. And instead of expecting to see Alison's smiling face on the other side, she saw someone else with her. A stranger. Who was giving her a hug. Who was laughing as she let go of her wife's shoulder. Who turned toward Emily with a smile.

"Oh, goodness! Ali, you have another visitor it looks like."

Alison turned toward her sidewalk and immediately went white, "Em. Wow. Um, this –"

"Hey there!" the younger brunette next to her, interjected, "I'm Cassie. Was just stopping by real quick."

"Em – Emily. I'm her soon-to-be ex-wife."

"Emily, nice to meet you. Can't wait to see more of you! Bye, Ali. Coffee this weekend, right?"

"Right." Alison barely choked out before meeting Emily's eyes again, "Hi."

"Hi? Really, Al?" Emily felt tears hitting her eyes with every tiny word she spoke. She held her hands up in surrender, "I can't do this."

"Emmy?" Alison looked desperate as she lifted the fabric held in her right hand, "She was just giving me back my scarf – "

"Doesn't matter, Ali." She muttered as she turned back toward Spencer's car though before opening the door, she looked over her shoulder for one last comment, "See you in court."

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter involves some of the initial divorce proceedings and any potential semblance of Emily and Alison maybe having the potential to get back together again. Thanks for the support! Next Chapter on Thursday!  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	20. Desire For More

**A/N: Once again, this chapter includes quite a few semantics in terms of Emily and Alison's divorce proceedings, but I promise you that it is all important! So don't skip through! I love the ending of this chapter. I hope you all do too.**

**I also was surprised that so many of you believed Emily to be angry at the end of the last chapter. Her tears and inability to speak I thought were clear, but hopefully the beginning of this chapter clears that up for you all. She's not angry, just remorseful. :)**

* * *

Emily's heels clicked against the cold ceramic beneath her feet as she paced in the small 5th-floor restroom of the Hastings, Miller & Hastings building waiting for their 11 am meeting. She had woken up with the sun trying to prepare herself for seeing her wife. A month ago was the last they had fully attempted a conversation. Alison had been there. At her front door. With another woman. The shivers ran down Emily's spine, just thinking of it. The visual brought impulsive tears back to her eyes. Tears that she found to be incessant in the weeks following their last interaction.

She reassured her mother and herself that her tears weren't out of anger or malice. No, her tears were filled with regret. Because when Alison opened that door to hug her guest goodbye, all Emily could see was her smile. It was a portrait of her wife she hadn't seen in over two years. It was a glimpse into the joy that radiated from Alison in the days and weeks before going to jail. For the first time in so long, Emily saw Alison's soul again. And that hit Emily harder than the divorce papers had earlier that morning. Because not only did she realize that Alison could feel the same joy around someone else as she did with Emily. But Emily also realized that she, herself, had never smiled like that with Maya. Separate facets of her past, present, and future hit her with a force that couldn't be denied in front of the home they purchased together. It's what led to the few words she spoke.

"I can't do this."

It wasn't that Emily couldn't take it. It was that she hadn't prepared herself for the day that she would see Alison's smile. She hadn't taken into account that Alison's upturned grin may never hit Emily's eyes again. She hadn't realized how much better her world was when Alison's smile was hers. She hadn't made the time to note it in the recesses of her mind so that it would never be etched over in the time she was gone.

And now, every single choice she made during Alison's sentence had led to her pacing in the women's restroom this morning. The woman looking back at her in the mirror had subjected her entire world to her selfishness. Their divorce, this mediation, was a direct result of the mistakes Emily made when not in the presence of Alison's smile. Alison deserved better. She deserved to smile again. Emily knew that now. With her dark hair slicked back in a low ponytail, poignant smoky makeup, and tailored black pantsuit, Emily took in a deep breath. She could do this now. Alison deserved it.

Emily's attorney was already waiting. Mrs. Hastings had reached out to a separate law firm to help Emily retain a knowledgeable and respected lawyer in his own right. The only request Emily had was for her lawyer to know that he wasn't fighting a legal battle. They were in an amicable divorce, and she expected that to be the case from beginning to end.

"Sam!" Emily exhaled her fears into the waiting room outside of Dominic's office.

"Hi there, Emily." He stood, wrapping her in a hug as he left his briefcase next to the chair. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I think. I looked over everything you sent me, and I'm willing to move forward with what you proposed."

Sam kept his hands on Emily's shoulders as he shook them in reassurance. "So happy to hear it. Alison and Dominic are in his office right now, finalizing their own proposal, I'm sure. Dom said that we could take a seat in the conference room next door. They should be just a moment."

As soon as she sat down at the conference table, Emily pulled out her tablet, pen, and their potential settlement. She lined them in an orderly row over and over again until feeling content with their place. And as she closed her eyes to inhale again, she heard Alison's laugh in the distance, causing her eyes to shoot open.

Emily stood, watching her wife enter the room. Alison was turned partially around toward Dominic as she walked in wearing an olive green empire-waist dress that came just below her knee. Her blond hair was lightly curled in ringlets that fell over her shoulders. Her makeup was faint, but apparent to anyone who had woken up next to her for the past eight years. Before Emily could stop herself, she began walking toward the door. As Alison turned around to the rest of the room, she stopped as soon as she saw Emily. Every thought abandoning her mind.

Emily wrapped her wife into a hug that Alison reciprocated as their lawyers and mediator got settled at the table. Alison cupped Emily's elbow pulling away, "We're okay, right?"

Emily nodded, "Yeah, Al. It's going to be okay."

It was a hard promise to make, considering Emily's heart was in her stomach. As the mediator began speaking, though, the calm began to set in.

Emily watched Alison from across the table. Alison's face, which was just filled with so much laughter, appeared dejected at the entire idea of this proceeding. She knew that Alison had requested the divorce so that Emily would finally make a decision. But watching her wife's face as they began speaking, Emily filled with confusion. Had she made the right decision at all?

"Okay, ladies. So happy to have you both here face-to-face. I know that we have spoken at length on the phone separately just so that I could get a better understanding of everything going into this settlement. Do either of you have any questions before we get started today?" After a relative silence, the mediator continued, "Due to the nature of this conversation, we are being recorded today. For the purpose of further transcription, could everyone in the room introduce themselves and the role they are playing? Alison, if you could please go first?"

"Perfect. My name is Alison DiLaurentis." She paused as Emily watched her gulp for air before continuing, "I am the plaintiff In this proceeding."

"Dominic Miller. Lawyer to the plaintiff." He gestured to Emily to continue.

"Emily Fields. Defendant."

"Samuel Price. The defendant's lawyer."

"Kathryn Taylor. Mediator. Thank you, everyone! Now, I know we spoke on the phone about this Emily and Alison, but this process' timeline is completely up to the two of you. The purpose of these meetings is to reach mutual understanding and completion of your divorce settlement. These meetings are confidential as each of you, your lawyers, and myself have signed agreements to such end. Those agreements also indicate that should you both be unable to come to an agreement, I am unable to disclose any part of these meetings to a court should you move to a legal proceeding. Do you both understand this?"

Alison looked across the table to her wife. Emily sat with both hands in her lap, facing the mediator. Her face was pallid and unmoving as though withdrawn from the words being spoken altogether. But she looked good. Stunning, as always, and stoically attempting to keep herself together for the world to see. Under that stoicism, though, Alison could sense her fear. She noticed the faint heartbeat she could see peeking from the side of her neck while turned. She watched Emily's eyes as they rarely blinked. She felt the tension between them, even though they were multiple feet away from each other.

Tension sat between them because of their last interaction. Because of Emily seeing Alison at her door. With someone else. With Cassie. Alison watched as heartbreak washed over her wife that night. Though it was never her intention, part of Alison relished in the fact that Emily had to go through it too. She wasn't alone anymore in her pain. But Alison knew that what Emily had seen was innocent. She also knew that although a month had passed, her and Cassie's relationship still remained innocent. Part of her wished that she could stop the meeting, update Emily on her life, its meaning to her now, and see, just see, if the woman in front of her would let go of it all. But with Maya in the picture, Alison knew it wouldn't be possible to get through. Emily had found someone else. And even if Alison wasn't ready to take that next step, or any step really with Cassie, she had found someone prepared to wait until she was.

Alison subconsciously nodded to the mediator's statement before listening to her continue, "So after receiving both of your proposals, it appears that you only have a few items in contention. We will start with shared assets. It seems that in your prior separation agreement, Mrs. Fields, you willingly forwent claim to the home located in Rosewood to Mrs. DiLaurentis. Is that still correct?

"Yes." Emily nodded, making eye contact with her wife for the first time since they had been seated. "The house is hers."

"And Alison, do you have any opposition to that portion of the separation agreement remaining intact?"

"I do not."

"Well… I'm happy we were able to get that settled easily." Kathryn chuckled, "It's rare that a couple in mediation truly wants amicability."

"We only want what's best for each other. Truly." Alison affirmed.

"Let me just say that you two are some of the few who do. It's quite a testament to the relationship you had and the relationship you will have once all of this is settled."

Emily coughed as she adjusted in her seat, uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. Alison mouthed, 'sorry' across the table to her wife as soon as Emily looked back her way.

"In terms of custody, it appears as though Alison has requested 50/50 custody though she is open to the terms of the agreement. Mr. Price, what do you and your client say to the request?"

Emily placed her eyes in her lap as he read, "Emily is willing to accept the 50/50 custody. She is willing to discuss the terms of the agreement as well, but I would like to include a relocation clause."

"What is that?" Alison whispered to her left towards Dominic.

But before he could reply, Kathryn began speaking again, "Okay. Alison, are you familiar with relocation clauses?"

"No, ma'am. I'm not." Alison looked at Emily harshly, attempting to read the portion of her face that was visible.

"A relocation clause essentially indicates the distance each of you would be able to relocate from the city of filing without needing approval first from the courts. It would prevent you from moving across the country, or to the next state over, depending on its parameters."

Alison gulped, "Why do we need a clause, Em?"

"It's for you. I mean – your benefit."

"How so? I am keeping the house here. Where's the logic?"

"It's so that you know that I'll never try to move outside of Philadelphia."

"Philadelphia? Really? We're back on this train again?"

Emily looked up from her lap finally to stare at the mediator, hoping she may intervene. But instead, Kathryn's eyes urged her forward, indicating that a cordial conversation was still taking place, "I don't have a crystal ball, Ali. I don't know if I will want to use my Masters in the future or not, and if I do, I don't want to be limited to Rosewood. It's precautionary."

"And commuting is not an option?"

"I didn't want to get into this here, but Alison, literally every tragedy of our lives occurred in this town. My father, our son, and others are buried here, sweetheart. You've never wanted to escape the memory of that for even a day? I'm asking for a 50-mile radius. I'm asking for 50 miles of cushion from the town that haunts us both."

"Not to happen immediately?"

"Not to happen immediately. You have my word."

Alison scoffed, "Okay…"

"Do you need a recess, Mrs. DiLaurentis?" Kathryn injected at Alison's display of disdain

"No. I'm fine." Alison readjusted in her seat, fighting the urge to speak her mind.

"Just say it." Emily whispered, "We have barely seen each other in a month. You're allowed to say it."

Emily kept her eyes faced forward as Alison's icy stare looked up directly at her, "Me trusting your word is what got us here. That's all." Her words were biting, but Emily didn't flinch.

"I know, Al. We can include an indication of time, right? Like a year?"

Sam nodded next to her. "Alison, if you need, we can phrase the custody arrangement as 'After a year of impermissible relocation, either party may move within 50 radial miles from the court filing city of Rosewood, Pennsylvania.' Would that be more fitting?"

"Make it two, and I'm fine with it."

"Mrs. Fields?" Kathryn asked from the head of the table.

"Okay. Two years." Silence fell across both parties.

"And any indication about the separation of holidays?"

Emily looked back up at Alison, who nodded in agreement, "We discussed this ahead of time. Let me flip to the page in here. And babe? Sorry. Alison? Interrupt me if you need to, okay? We would like the court documents to indicate that Christmas and Olivia's birthday, September 5th, be shared, unless other agreement is determined, in person, mutually. Thanksgiving and Easter will alternate each year, with no one party having both holidays within the same calendar year.

Alison added on, "We would also like for it to be noted that each of us is allowed 4 weeks throughout the year for vacations. Those could be consecutive weeks or split into days multiple times during the year. Is that still okay?" Emily nodded in reply.

"Okay. We will make a note of all of that. Would you like to discuss the financial settlement? Mr. Miller?"

"Emily. Mr. Price. We are willing to give you the exact amount that was stated when you signed into the trust on your wedding day. You can see the original agreement here listing 10% equity in any interest acquired in the trust throughout your marriage. After obtaining these documents to date of filing, Mrs. DiLaurentis owes the defendant $2,348,079.87 as a financial settlement but has agreed to pay a flat $3,000,000."

"Ali, I know what I signed on our wedding day, okay? But that is incredibly too much money."

Alison kept her head down, not wanting to get involved in her wife's plea.

"I know that you're trying to appease me somehow, but I calculated out what I spend monthly, what a house payment would be, what I would need for expenses, what Olivia would need. I worked out all of that just for the first year because I intend to find a job and need minimal spousal or child support as time goes on. And my calculation comes to just barely above $200,000. Alison? Are you listening to me?" Alison nodded before the mediator interrupted.

"Mrs. Fields, as much as I appreciate your plea to the plaintiff, the contract you signed entitles you the $2 million amount that Mr. Miller read. Alison and the DiLaurentis family are contractually obligated to give you that money, regardless if you believe that you need it or not."

"Could we put the remainder of what I don't need into a trust for Olivia then?" Emily asked.

Alison leaned to whisper to her lawyer before he continued. "Mrs. DiLaurentis is willing to place the remaining money into a separate trust owned by Mrs. Fields for their daughter. She is requesting, though, that the defendant still takes at least $1 million of the money owed for her own use."

"In case you don't find a job for a while, Em. Olivia already has a stake in my family's trust as a whole. She doesn't need the additional." Alison interjected.

"I don't want to be the person who takes a settlement when I'm sure that spousal support is going to be discussed today, too. How much money are you trying to pour into that, Al?"

"$15,000 a month."

Hearing that figure, caused Emily to stand up immediately, "Sorry. Excuse me for a moment."

"Mrs. Fields, leaving this room would result in a recess. Do you acknowledge that?"

Emily turned back around, her face filled with agitation, "Yes. I do."

"Are you calling for a temporary recess for the day or an extended recess?"

As Emily's brain began to swarm, Alison noticed her wife's face beginning to grow red. With her darker complexion, Emily only became red when blushing or when she was moments from a full-on panic.

"We call an extended recess, please!" Alison stood to interrupt. "Can everyone clear the room? Can I please just talk to Emily alone?"

Pressing stop on the recording, both of their lawyers and mediator scrambled from the room in response to Alison's tone. Emily tucked her head into her shoulder as she dug her hands as deep into the pockets of her pantsuit as she could. Alison walked toward her wife, unsure of how to proceed. They hadn't seen each other in a month. Hadn't had a full conversation alone since Christmas. Hadn't touched since their anniversary dinner. They no longer could directly relate to each other. But beyond having a relationship, Alison knew how to be there for Emily. The same way she had in the decade before they were anything more than just friends.

Alison placed her hand on Emily's forearm gently, pulling her into a loose hug as Emily attempted to breathe. No words were exchanged, just subtle and indirect pats on Emily's arm. Counting out Emily's inhale and exhale count. As if it were second nature. As if being by each other side is what they had been made for all along.

Emily let go of Alison's shoulders as she shuffled back to the conference table to sit. Her breathing finally becoming regulated, Emily kept her head down. Alison saw the fear and anguish in Emily's eyes. She willingly called their meeting off for the day without a second thought. Care still lingered between their actions. Love still dripped between their words. Trying to make sure Emily was alright, Alison knelt down beside her.

"Talk to me, please," Alison asked, crouched before Emily, who was still seated in the chair nearest the door.

Emily's tired eyes met her wife's concern. "What's going on here, Al?"

"I could ask you the same thing. What's going on with you?"

"I'm just trying to make this as easy as possible. This is already hard enough."

"But that's what confusing about it. This doesn't have to be hard. What I'm asking for and asking you for is more than doable for us."

"I know it is. But I put us through this. All of this – this bullshit, it's on me."

"You should be fighting for your future, though. Fighting for Liv's future. And instead you – "

Emily removed her hands from her pockets to tuck them into her crossed arms, "I don't get it, Al. You wanted me to make a decision; that's the whole reason we're here now! But I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I want to leave this relationship with love in my heart for you. My future and Olivia's future are intrinsically tied to you also getting out of this unscathed."

"I want you to fight for something, though. I want you to feel something! This is a life that we imagined for ourselves that's coming to an end. Fight for what you deserve. Please fight now, because you didn't fight for us when I was gone. Please fight now…"

"Alison, I can't –" Emily muttered before walking out of the conference room straight for the elevator.

"Don't remind me, Em. You couldn't do this either the last time I saw you. I don't know why you keep running. We have to come to a resolution. Why can't you fight for once in life?"

Emily felt the tears hitting her eyes as soon as Alison began exclaiming for her to fight. Emily placed her head in her hands while the elevator door closed in front of her. The platinum reflection of her crying figure showed every glimpse of the woman she now was back to her. And as Emily pulled her head up and met her own reflection, all she could see was the now bare spot on her left hand where an engagement ring once stood.

Because even though Alison couldn't see it, since stepping off of their front porch a month ago… all Emily had done was fight.

* * *

**A/N: As much as I love Alison in this story, I have such a delicate spot in my heart for Emily. She is growing into a human being she may finally see as worth loving. I hope that you all may find that same soft spot for her throughout the rest of this journey. Also, going back through this whole journey with you all, I must sat this is by far one of my favorite chapters. Hope you all agree.  
**

**Once again, so blown away by all of your support. Thank you. See you Sunday!  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	21. Still Wanted More

After receiving three calls in three days from an overly panicked and hyperventilating Emily, Hanna Rivers cancelled every plan she had the weekend before Valentine's Day to take the train from New York back to Philadelphia to be with her grieving friend. She knew not to call Alison because contrary to everyone else's belief that since high school she had turned over a new leaf, Hanna knew that the one person she would never second guess to protect with everything she had was Emily. One call to Alison would be like calling the National Guard if Alison really thought her wife was potentially hurting. Especially if the cause of that hurt was Maya. If Alison and Maya's last volatile interaction in high school was any indication, Hanna needed to keep any and all news of Emily's grief hidden. So even though it was risky, Hanna called the only other person she knew would keep a secret if she thought it was in their best interest.

Swinging her miniature black backpack off her right shoulder and onto the table in front of her, Hanna sighed sliding into her seat, "Have you seen her yet?"

"No. I called her this morning though to coerce her out of bed, so she'll get here eventually." Spencer replied flatly, "I hope you know that I don't like this. I don't like this at all."

"Look, I'm sorry for getting you involved, but I had no idea what to do from 100 miles away. I needed someone here that I could count on to watch over her, but also not preemptively go kick Maya's ass."

Spencer wiped her bangs from in front of her right eye as she looked up from her coffee, "Even though I've talked to her, she still won't tell me a damn thing. All that I know is that she and Ali had their first mediation deliberation on Tuesday, and Emily called you hours after that was over sobbing."

"Any word from how that went from Al?" Hanna asked, waving over a waitress to take her coffee order.

"She said well." Spencer shrugged, "They went into recess, but they've worked out every issue so far without much pushback. Even custody."

"No shit."

Spencer laughed, "Some faith you have in our friends!"

"Excuse my disbelief, but Emily giving up a moment with Olivia is astonishing to me."

"You know what? Let them be the bigger people."

"You've got that damn right. We'd be total assholes in a divorce."

"Don't you know it!" Spencer replied, lifting her mug to join Hanna in a cheers. "Oh, here she is… well, barely."

"Yikes."

"I don't want to fucking hear it." Emily muttered, sliding into the booth and grabbing Hanna's coffee without asking.

"The fuck, man?" Hanna scoffed, pulling her coffee from Emily's lips before she could muster a good sip, "Don't come for us when you look like you drank the state of Pennsylvania dry last night."

"You even sober yet, Em?" Spencer and Hanna cackled as Emily pushed her sunglasses further up her nose.

"I'm fine. Ridiculous that both of you are enthusiastically awake and ready to go for the day by 9:30 on a Saturday, though."

"It's ridiculous that as the mother of a seventeen month year old that you're not." Hanna spat back.

"Alison has her. Don't pass your fucking judgment off on me."

Spencer extended her hand between the two of them, "Oh, quit bickering! You two would sit here all day and not even get to the root of the matter. Han, you called us all here today. Why don't you do the honors?"

"Right. Em, we get that you're going through hell right now. And we're here for you through that, but we need to know what support you need. Calling me at all hours of the night to cry without saying any words isn't helping anybody and neither Spencer or I know the half of what's been going on with you and Maya the past month. We need understanding to provide it."

"Totally understand. Why do you think I drank vodka until I didn't think about it last night?" Emily placed her hands over her face to take in a deep breath.

"Well, I don't know if this is where we should start." Spencer interrupted, "But at some point, we need to get to the fact that you no longer have a ring on your finger, Em."

"Yeah, we can start at the fucking end. It doesn't matter anymore." She replied, throwing up her hands.

"Of course it matters, babe." Hanna replied, wrapping her hand around Emily's extended fingers.

"I haven't even said it out loud."

"Okay… that's fine. Do the best you can; we can always work it out."

Emily inhaled, "I just feel like an idiot. I'm total fucking trash."

"Em, we can't get lost in feeling right now. We need facts. Help us out." Spencer wrapped her arm around Emily's shoulders, trying to center her in the moment.

"It doesn't fucking matter, Emily. Just say it." She muttered to herself, causing Hanna and Spencer to share a concerned glare. "Maya and I have been on a break for the past few weeks. But I went over to her place on Sunday and officially gave her the ring back."

" _You_ gave the ring back? How the hell did we get to that place?"

"Christmas kind of fucked it all up. That day, Ali and I had one of the best and one of the worst conversations we've had since she's gotten back. And in our last actual conversation before all of this started going down, Alison asked me 'What makes Maya worth it?' But I didn't have an answer. Which sounds terrible, but in the moment, I was pissed that she even wanted me to try and explain myself. There were and are so many things that I love about Maya… fuck." Emily trailed off, trying to collect her thoughts.

"Was Maya mad about Christmas?"

"Of course, she was fucking mad. Alison degraded her in front of everyone, and I couldn't even form the words to protect her from it. Hell, I took Alison's side. And we argued back and forth all fucking night before finally going to bed. It had been this constant push and pull, but then she said, 'We can figure this out tomorrow. We'll fix this. Come to bed with me?' I thought it was settled. I remember exhaling and trying to get myself to calm down. I kept repeating to myself how great it was to be in a relationship where we could be upset at each other, but then put things behind us for the sake of our relationship. Ali and I can't do that anymore; too much shit has gone down that permanently lingers between us. So I backed down. I know that relationships aren't perfect and never will be. In my head, I figured of course we can get through this; we can find happiness through this. But that night, lying down next to her, even though I tried telling myself over and over again that I was okay, I couldn't completely relax next to her. It's like I could get my brain to convince myself everything was okay, but my body was incapable of lying about it. And if my body was wary, I needed my mind to be, too."

Spencer rubbed Emily's arm up and down as she processed through the breakdown, "I assume your mind caught up?"

Emily nodded. "Things she said just kept feeling out of place, but the more I confronted her about the things she would say about Alison. About my relationship with other people in our orbit. About me in relation to both of those things. The more I realized that she's toxic. And I have no real evidence that she intentionally manipulated me all along, but I think she made me negative and pessimistic and unable to look at this divorce correctly. And so I called my lawyer Monday and completely edited our proposal. I'm going to give Alison whatever she wants. She doesn't need me fucking with her life anymore."

"We'll get back to the divorce in a minute. But if you are the one that broke things fully off, why in the world have you been in shambles every time we've spoken on the phone?" Hanna asked concerned.

"Because of what Maya said to me as I walked out the door. It's not an important phrase really, but it's haunted me."

"What the fuck did she say, Em?" Spencer asked.

Emily groaned, "As I was leaving, I kept repeating what I've told you guys and Alison a million times. All I want to do is move forward. It's why Ali and I separated. It's the reason I signed up for those classes where I met Maya. It's why I even agreed to get engaged. I figured that if I moved away from the pain of everything I've dealt with the past few years, then I would be able to be free from it. So, I told her 'Bye.' A simple, non-aggressive, non-confrontational 'Bye.' We were no longer angry. It was what it was. And then, as I opened her front door, she simply said – "

_You can't start over when you're still you._

Even saying it aloud for others caused her shoulders to collapse around her frame. She wanted to make herself smaller. She needed to shield herself from the blows of reality.

"Why did that hurt you so badly?" Spencer asked, pulling Emily into her chest as she took her sunglasses off to make way for the barrage of tears leaving her tear ducts.

"Because I'm the problem. Moving forward was never going to happen because I'm still damaged. And now I'm so much further from being able to move on from it all. I stunted my own ability to grow."

"I understand why you're hurting, Em. But you're always going to be you."

Spencer shushed Hanna from the opposite side of the table, "What she means is that you can only control yourself. If you better yourself, you can start over."

"Yeah… you can always start over. Ignoring your past just wasn't the best way to do it."

"I know. I thought if maybe I didn't acknowledge it, the world would excuse me from the pain of it all."

"You've had a shit few years, Emily, but you have some of the best people I know in the world surrounding you."

"And I fucked that up too."

"Even after the divorce, Alison will always be there for you. You know that."

"Doesn't that make it worse, Spence? Like I've put her through literal hell since she's come home and now that I'm ready to make progress and better myself, she gets to help me through it?"

"She's right, Spencer. That would be kind of fucked."

Spencer groaned, "I appreciate that the three of us are here talking everything out and getting a handle on your past month. But, to use Hanna's words, it's even more fucked that Alison isn't here right now. She should be the one hearing this, not us. She's the one you need to make things right with."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"What if this changes something?"

"Changes something? Hanna, I broke her heart. I don't know what comes next for us. But before I tell her anything about me and Maya, she deserves an apology. I ruined everything and maybe in my apology, she'll be able to see me at the end of all of this again."

"Good luck with that…"

* * *

"Okay, ladies, I think that just about wraps up your settlements. Are you both feeling good about everything?"

Two days had passed since her conversation with Spencer and Hanna and internally, Emily could feel her insides churning. She had given Alison what she wanted. She had pursued their divorce with the best of intentions for her wife. So even if she didn't feel great about their divorce nearly being finalized, she knew that at least she was putting Alison first. She was putting her first for the first time in a long time. For Emily, that would have to be enough.

Alison made eye contact with Emily from across the table as they both nodded Kathryn's direction. She extended her left hand out which Emily grabbed with her right to give a light squeeze. They were moving forward just as Emily had wanted. And they were moving forward without bitterness. Olivia would be better off with them happy but apart. That's what really mattered. Even if the woman across from her continuously took her breath away. Even if she knew that trapped between their conjoined hands was the most happiness Alison had ever felt in her life. They had to move forward separately and yet still together. For Alison, that would have to be enough.

"That's excellent, ladies. It's truly been a pleasure working with you both."

"You as well." Emily stood, shaking Kathryn's hand.

"Definitely. What will the next steps be?" Alison asked.

"Well, my office will have to finish drafting everything we discussed today and then we will send the paperwork to both of your respective homes. All we will need from you is to look over the documents for accuracy, then sign and return them back. We will file from there, and then you two will no longer be married in the State of Pennsylvania."

Emily exhaled shakily, "Okay… seems quick."

"It definitely can be! I mean, Mrs. Fields, you truly helped move this process forward more quickly –"

"How so?" Alison interjected as she adjusted her chair back underneath the table.

"The separation agreement could've really been called into question with her engagement. But with that no longer being an issue –"

Emily extended her arms trying to catch the words from Ms. Taylor's mouth before spilling out into the open conference room.

" – oh! Was that not a known…"

"No, Kathryn, it was not." Alison replied, looking down to adjust her dress. She looked at Emily out of the corner of her eye before making her way for the door.

"Emily, I'm so –"

"Don't worry about it!" She called over her shoulder as she jogged toward Alison, hoping to catch her before the elevator bank. "Ali?"

Standing in front of the door, Alison pulled her eyes toward Emily's, tears beginning to build in their corners. Her mouth was dry. Her hands were sweating. Her brain was flooded with drastic thought after drastic thought.

"Alison, wait! Please."

"I'm listening." It was the only words she could get out. It was the only way she knew how to process the fact that Emily was standing in front of her no longer engaged but also so close from no longer being married.

"I wanted to tell you." Emily reached for her hands, trying to hold them between each other. It was the first time Alison had seen Emily's left hand in weeks, and she was in disbelief that there actually was no ring in sight.

"Why did – " Alison's voice cracked as she looking up into Emily's eyes, "Fuck… Emmy, why didn't you tell me?"

"Can we go somewhere else to talk? I mean…" Emily looked to her right to meet the eyes of their lawyers and mediator.

Dominic raised his right hand to point, "The conference room is free?"

"Could we talk there, maybe?" Emily asked sincerely, turning her back to try and pull Alison back the other direction.

Alison's hand fell through Emily's as she stayed stuck in front of the elevator, "What good would that do? What could you possibly say that I haven't heard from you before?" The tears were swelling faster now.

"Please." Emily asked from in front of the door. "You deserve an explanation."

"I know I do…"

Emily stared at her wife's face. Her usually prominent dimples had receded into her cheeks, as Alison stood in front of her trying to hold it together. Her eyes were dropped to her left while Alison tried to figure out whether to step forward or backward. Her hands were clasped together as she wrung them over and over again in distress.

"Ali, we're so close to being done with this. One last conversation. That's all I need."

Alison began walking toward her, "I've tried talking to you over and over again though, Em. And you've never been able to have a conversation. Not an actual one at least." Alison stopped directly in front of the conference room door looking up at Emily, "If I walk in there with you, you have to promise me that you have an answer for every question I've been fucking asking you for the past two months. One, 'I don't know' and I'm gone."

Emily nodded, "I understand. I'll answer whatever you need."

Alison threw open the left door angrily before walking straight for a chair they were just sitting in. "Go."

"Maya and I are no longer together, okay? I wanted you to hear it from me first, but I didn't want it to affect your choice in this. I didn't want you to second guess your decisions."

"But Kathryn knew?"

"Yeah, I had to tell her and Sam. So that there wouldn't be question of whether or not I breached our separation agreement." Emily paced slowly back and forth trying to mull her way through the conversation. "It didn't impact anything in our settlement. I promise. I didn't tell you because I wanted you to know that I respect your decision to move forward with divorcing me. I accept it."

"Are you okay?" Alison asked quietly from her chair. Her eyes still were grounded into the floor.

"I will be. Maya and I breaking up had nothing to do with this. It was bound to happen regardless of the divorce. It doesn't change anything."

Alison laughed, "It does make me feel a little better if I'm being honest."

Emily stepped forward to take the seat to Alison's right at the head of the table, "I'm sure it does, Al. You definitely made your feelings known every step of the way."

Alison shrugged. "I'm still confused though. If you breaking up had no impact on anything we discussed here today, why didn't you reach out? You know that I'd be there for you if you needed me."

"I also know that you would've kicked Maya ass if I called you crying about it." Alison raised her head attempting to interrupt, "Oh, don't even try to argue with that. I know you better than anyone else."

"You do… That's why this sucks."

"It does for sure." Silence fell between them. "I'm going to keep talking now. And if you want me to stop just interrupt. The only thing that I can hope for from you is understanding. But with all of the hell I've put you through, I know not even that is guaranteed."

Emily dropped her head, wiping her hands against her legs. "But babe, I'm so sorry. For all of this. I had this idea in my head that somehow I'd be able to get through this life without you next to me. That I needed to forget the woman who made me who I am in order to get over all of the trauma that exists between us. I hurt you so many times in so many ways. I betrayed your trust. I ruined our relationship. I broke our vows. And it wasn't worth it. It will never have been worth it, okay?"

Alison looked up to meet Emily's eyes staring straight back at her, "I want you to know that, Alison. You didn't deserve to be treated like second best, especially when you are the only person that has ever made me feel whole on Earth. I fucked up, and I pushed you away. I was selfish and inconsiderate and juvenile and idiotic. And I will spend the rest of my life knowing that I am the one that lost you. I am the one who was undeserving of you. Because you deserve someone who would never drag you through what I have. I hope you know how sorry I am for putting you through even an ounce of pain. I hope that someday you can forgive me for it, but I am so happy that we are going to able to raise Livvy without so much disdain standing between us. That's all. I'm sorry."

"Em?"

It was the way Alison said it that knocked the breath out of Emily. It sounded hopeful. It sounded exactly like how Alison used to wake her up on Saturday mornings when breakfast was ready, and she couldn't wait to start the day next to her wife. It sounded as clear as the day they got married; the pause between her name and I do. It felt as powerful as when she Alison pulled each other in for their first kiss. Emily had put Alison first and for the first time in a long time, and when Alison said her name, Emily could finally feel the difference.

"I have forgiven you already."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't have been able to make it through these proceedings without forgiving you for destroying every part of us." Alison's voice turned cold in an instant.

"Al – "

"No. Listen to me, Emily. I forgive you. I forgive you for falling in love. I forgive you for getting engaged. I forgive you for not telling me. Hell, I forgive you for fucking her in our home. I forgive you for putting her before myself and Olivia time and time again. But I also hate you for it." Her voice cracked as one tear escaped her left eye. She brushed it away harshly before continuing, "That you thought for even one second that you couldn't come to me and try to work it out. That you couldn't tell me before I walked through our front door to look like a fucking idiot in front of everyone we know. You embarrassed me. You embarrassed our family. You made a mockery of our vows. Our love. My love for you. I forgive you. I will forgive you from now until my dying day…"

"But… there's another but, isn't there?"

Alison nodded, "But we're still sitting here in a lawyer's office finalizing a divorce. And we're here because I had to make the fucking choice, Emily. You paraded your love in front of me for weeks. You used the word divorce in front of me as if it was your new 'I love you.'" She stopped again to wipe more tears from her eyes, "Even with all of that though, you couldn't take the next step. You made me do it! Because you didn't have the gall to break my heart one last time. You ripped it out of my chest. You threw it on the ground. You stomped all fucking over it. But you couldn't just end it."

Her voice cracked again as she broke into full sobs. Emily attempted to reach her hand forward to place it on Alison's leg, but she ripped her body away from her touch.

"You never could just end it. So fucking infuriating that we're here because of you, but I'm the one who threw the last punch. Do you know how cowardly you have to be to torture someone for weeks, but then refuse to put them out of their misery? Sorry…" Alison gulped before continuing. "Thank you for coming around. I'm so happy that you aren't going to subject our daughter to that bitch ever again. And I'm so happy that I can finally see happiness behind your eyes again, Emily. Truly. I forgive you and I accept your apology."

Alison stood up, collecting her purse as she walked to the door, "But hear me when I say this…. your apology doesn't change one fucking thing."

* * *

**A/N: Ahhh! I love this chapter so fucking much. I hope you guys do too. Shit's getting real as hell, and Alison has no time for it. Haha.**

**Thanks again for all the support. Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.  
**

**Also, if you're all caught up with this story and are looking for more Emison content, go look at More Like Her, which was also written by me and is being updated twice a week! It was written about a year before this story, so it is more rudimentary, but I think is also good. Go check it out if you'd like! Thanks so much!  
**

**Until Thursday,**

**secretpen28**


	22. Dream a Little Dream of Me

**A/N: Heads up that this chapter will either make you happy or mad. There's no in between :)**

* * *

Alison knew what she had said to Emily walking out of that conference room over a week ago. She knew that her words were harsh, but she also knew that in the moment, it was exactly how she felt. The unease didn't reach her stomach until a few days ago when the actual completed paperwork arrived at her door. Over 50 pages of documentation summarizing a 4-year marriage, 8-year relationship, and nearly 20-year friendship in clauses and paragraphs. She read through the whole thing in detail making sure that Emily was receiving everything she had promised her. And she felt okay until reaching the last page. As the plaintiff, it was Alison's responsibility to sign first before sending the document to Emily. She had 30 days, but here she was already half a week in and the thought of adding her signature still made her sick to her stomach.

"I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this…" Aria lamented to her sister-in-law while sitting on the loveseat in Alison's living room.

"Here's the thing, though. At this point, part of me really does want to sign the papers and be done with it."

"And the other part?"

"Remembers who I fell in love with."

"Al –" Aria pouted as she looked down to her lap where Alison lay her head. Aria's fingers brushed through her hair as they caught up on each other's lives since Christmas with Aria's kryptonite being white wine, while Alison sipped on an espresso. "You can't get caught up in what was."

"That's so fucking easy for everyone to say though. Think about it. If Jase, god forbid, ever did something so out of his typical character that he broke your trust completely, would you actually be able to let go of the man he was when you first met?"

"I mean – "

"And his lack of judgment would be one piece of the millions of moments you've shared together. You'd let one millionth of a relationship completely change your love story?"

"Sometimes it has to. This wasn't just a momentary lapse; Emily went out of her way for a better part of the year to hide the truth from you."

"It hurts to even look at her knowing that her hands have touched someone else.. But in that same breath, I still have never gotten closure. Every time I pick up that pen thinking that I'm going to sign on that line, I go back to a conversation Emily and I had before Christmas."

"And what was that?" Aria asked, bringing her glass of wine back up to her lips.

"I remember her saying that the best word to describe how she felt was 'heavy'. That it felt like she was holding up a boulder every single day trying to prevent my wreck and our miscarriage from invading the present. That getting engaged was her way of trying to move past it and forget. But that when she looked back on us, all she wanted was for a piece of our dream to come true before it was ripped away from us. That all she did in her silence was dream of what could've been…"

Alison's voice drifted off as she became caught up in her memory. Her right hand, which had been delicately perched on her stomach, had moved up to her face. The nail of her thumb now traced back and forth on Alison's lower lip as she thought back to nearly two months earlier.

"… she fucking kissed you, didn't she?"

Alison's eyes shot open, "No. No, that isn't what I said."

"But I know that fucking face Alison. It's the same damn doe eyes that walked through your front door after telling the rest of us that you and Emily were going to get coffee halfway across campus before it turned into a make out session. It's the same distant stare you had when you told all of us that you were planning on proposing. It's the same upturned grin you had plastered on your face when she walked down the aisle."

"Ar –"

"Don't fucking lie to me, Al."

"I never lied to you! We never lied to anyone either."

"You just omitted it."

"Yeah… just omitted it." Her voice faded again as she went back to the feel of Emily's lips on hers. The pause that lingered between their lips as she pulled away. The tenderness behind her touch.

"Snap out of it!" Aria replied, literally snapping in front of her friend's face to remove her from her trance. "You don't think it's at all sketchy that she kissed you while engaged to someone else."

"I'm her wife! And it wasn't like that, I swear. It wasn't passionate at all and lasted less than 5 seconds. It was like we were reaching an understanding of each other's pain when Liam passed. It was a desperate attempt to be the couple we were the day before July 15th. But now, knowing that us signing this paperwork means the end of us, I can't say with certainty that we wouldn't be able to get back to who we were."

"You know that this isn't healthy, right?"

"Of course it's not, but Emily's my first love. Like real, actual, palpable love. And even last Monday when she was apologizing much too late in the game, her eyes still held love for me. I could see it."

"You both can still love each other and be divorced. I mean, that's not how my parents did it by any means. But you and Em started as friends, that will always be there."

"Yeah, maybe we are meant to just be great co-parents. Maybe we are better off doing what's best for our daughter and not worrying about the in between. And then, we wouldn't be able to hurt each other again. We could both move forward separately but with a clean slate."

Aria continued running her hands through Alison's hair as she continued to talk aloud.

"But what if I'm meant to love her, Ar? What if she's meant to love me and all of this has just been a step in the wrong direction? For as great co-parents as we could be, maybe we're even better spouses? And what if all Olivia actually needs in her life is to see her moms be happy and in love?"

"Spencer, Hanna and I have a pact that whatever happens between you two will always be your choice. But I do have to be honest. Growing up in my home was incredibly difficult, and I spent so much time and effort looking for the glimmers of positivity in my parents' love to try and hold onto when I started dating. Which caused me to fuck up a lot and look for love in out of reach places instead of choosing to love myself instead. And I know that you went through that too in your parents' divorce. You and Jason were pawns in this grand chess match which left both of you to calculated and cold."

"Is there a positive somewhere in here?"

"Yeah, I'm getting to it. I guess I feared that we all were going to be doomed into repeating our families' mistakes. That everything we learned was everything we would be for our future spouses. But then, you met Emily. You know what I mean? You saw each other for the first time as something bigger than yourselves. And even though it took us a lot longer, I learned how to fall in love with Jason by watching you and Emily fall in love with each other. You both taught me selflessness and patience and how to see beauty no matter the difficulty in front of you. Seeing you two fall apart really made me question what I saw all those years ago. It made me question if my worst fears were all I could expect from in reality. But, as expected, you have walked through all of this with more grace and empathy than I've ever seen another human being extend. And that has everything and more to do with you and the person you fell in love with over 8 years ago. You fell in love with a woman who in her vows claimed that she never expected you to love her. She never expected to find anyone who could love her through the good times and bad."

* * *

_I knew then that you love ferociously, and in a way I didn't know could exist. I remember thinking how fortunate your future spouse would be to feel that level of love in such a difficult time. I just never thought that would be me. I never thought that I could feel love like I do with you, Alison._

"And as much as it goes against everything I want to tell you to do. If you walk away now, which you have every right to do, you're deciding to no longer choose her, Ali. Signing on that line forgoes everything you spoke on your wedding day."

_Your words were beautiful, Em. I know how worried you were that maybe you wouldn't be able to write down exactly what you wanted me to know for the rest of our lives. But you did it. Take a breath with me. Look around. Embrace this moment right here. The hard part is done. Getting here, in front of our family and friends, dedicated to each other. That was the hard part because loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done._

_You came into my life at a time I didn't think that love, outside of myself, was possible. I love you without hesitation because when I look into your eyes, I see forever. I see the middle schooler afraid to put herself out there on the first day of school. I see the high schooler who taught everyone around her to be authentically themselves no matter the potential price it may cost. I see the woman who broke next to her father's bedside and put herself back together with patience and honor. I see the light I saw in the reflection of your eyes under that Christmas tree. I see the smiles shared between us when I wake up by your side each morning. I see the tenderness that exists behind every single touch we share._

_But beyond that, I see our future. I see the way your eyes will glimmer when sharing holidays with our families. I see the hope that will exude from you when we choose to step into parenthood. I see the spark that we will continue to hold between us no matter what comes our way. In you, I see the best version of myself reflected back to me. I hope that in me, you see the same._

_My promise to you is this: to love you and our family no matter the obstacle in our way. We made it through so much heartache to find each other at the end of all of this. And now that I found you, I promise to never go._

_I'm going to end today with words from one of our favorite songs. "When I fall in love, it will be forever, and I'll never let you go. From the moment that you feel that I feel that way, too, is when I fall in love with you." Here's to forever, Emmy._

* * *

"And you stood there on that altar in front of me and your mother and all of your friends and accepted what she said to you. You accepted loving her no matter the obstacle and yet, somehow still fucked it all up."

"Jason, I – "

"It's not okay what you did. You promised me. You promised to come to me like a brother if at any point you had concerns. You asked me to walk you down the aisle, Emily! I gave you away. I gave you to my sister because in my mind, I thought you would be the last person to ever break her heart. But you were selfish. You were. You saw a woman sitting in a fucking jail cell pining to come back to you so that you two could try to start again and decided to take the easy way out."

Jason sat with his fists clenched in front of her. Starting straight into her eyes, Jason rattled off lament after lament toward his sister-in-law. And she sat in front of him without flinching. She took it all. She knew she deserved it.

"You're right, Jason. I was selfish and self-serving, and Alison deserved better from me. But I was wrong. I've apologized and all I can do from here on out is try to prove to her – and you that I am the woman Alison chose to marry. That's why I asked you here. Your sister accepted my apology, but I owe one to you too. You were our biggest champion and gave me so much insight whenever Ali and I would have a petty disagreement. But I lied to you, not intentionally, but I did. I promised you that I would never be like your parents. I told you to your face that, with me, your sister was safe and secure and out of harm's way. But I lost sight of that. I'm not going to make excuses for why; the excuses don't matter as much as the fact that I am the one who hurt her. My choices and my decisions are what caused your sister so much pain since she's been home. I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry that you left her in my hands, and I dropped her."

Jason took a deep breath, flattening his palms on the table, "Alison is a better person than I will ever be. But if she's willing to accept your apology, I have to be willing as well. You ruined the best thing you will ever have though. I hope you know that."

"I do. And she's made her choice. She wants to be done with me."

"Emily, she wants to be done with you because you said it first. You're the one who decided that divorce was what was best for you two. Alison had no choice in the matter; she just wanted to do what she thought would make you happy."

"I know… I don't think I'll even end up being happy without her, though. I really screwed all of this up, but Jason, I need you to hear me out. Ever since I got word that Alison has the paperwork to sign, there's just this wall I'm hitting where I don't know how I can divorce someone that I'm still in love with."

Jason interrupted. "You got the two of you into this mess; you can't come back through at the last minute and muddy the waters all over again."

"How is she doing?"

"Not great." He sighed, trying to find a good medium between telling his sister-in-law everything and respecting Alison's privacy. "She's really torn."

"Between what, Jason? Are you telling me there's a chance?"

"With you and Alison, there's always a chance. Don't be an idiot. She's only ever loved you, Emily. Her signature would be letting that all go. You're basically half of her fucking life."

"It's probably too late. What if she doesn't…"

"Doesn't what?"

"Want me back."

"Want you back? Are you kidding me right now?"

"If she hasn't signed yet, then she's having second thoughts just like me. I just think we're doing the wrong thing."

"I don't know if she thinks it's the wrong thing, but anytime she even looks at the paperwork, she mutters about you not fighting for more. She wanted you to be happy with the settlement."

"Fuck… why didn't I see it before?" Emily paused, reaching for her wallet to pull out cash for the bill, "I need your blessing, Jase. I need to go talk to her, but part of me thinks she'll never want me back."

"Well, if that's the case, that will hurt like hell. But I think you just have to figure out what will hurt more, the potentiality of rejection, or the thought of never knowing her reply?"

"Got it. Do I look okay?"

"You're seriously insane, Em. You look fine."

"Wish me luck!"

Jason grunted before breaking into a smile. He knew that whatever happened would be a win-win for him. Either his sister would be happy again or Emily was about to get her ass kicked. And honestly, Jason knew he would be pleased with either option coming true.

* * *

Alison was busy rinsing out the dishes from her and Aria's dinner when she heard a pounding on the front door. Three knocks. Pause. Three knocks. Pause. Three more knocks. And then she heard her voice.

"Ali? Alison, it's me. Can I talk to you, please? I'll be quick." She sounded like she was in pain.

She dried her hands off before walking to the door to find Emily pacing desperately back in forth in front of her steps.

"Okay, good, you're home. Fuck. I didn't think I'd get this far. I'm out of breath. I'm sweating. My voice keeps cracking because I'm already fighting back tears. I'm truly a mess right now, Al. But I have to tell you this, or I'll hate myself for it. I thought about what you said two weeks ago, before my apology. I told you I couldn't fight with you anymore even though you wanted me to fight for more. And I told you then that I didn't want anything else, but I lied to you. I do want something else… you. I didn't want to fight with you because every single bone in my body wants to fight _for_ you. I don't want to run anymore, Ali. I want you." Emily climbed the steps of the front porch slowly, stopping in front of a flabbergasted Alison, "I don't want a divorce at all. I want you."

"Emily…" Alison's face fell as she took a step backward, "I can't."

"What do you mean you can't? You pleaded with me to fight. And you were right, I didn't fight for us like I should have when you were gone. I didn't fight for our love or our vows or our marriage, but I'm fighting now. I don't care if I'm too late or look insane or am in over my head because I can't sign that settlement without telling you how I feel. I told you on our anniversary that I love you. I love you even though you hate me right now. I love you even though my apology doesn't change a fucking thing. I'm here to fight for you, no matter how long it takes."

She shook her head as she began trying to close the door. "Wait! Alison –" Emily's voice cracked which was enough for her to look back outside, "I get it. I get it. I've been a miserable wife and an even worse friend. But if you're saying it's over, I'll go."

"It's over." Alison put her head down.

Emily stepped into the doorway, "Then sign the paper, Al. Grab a pen and the settlement and sign it in front of me."

"I'm not going to do –"

"Then I'm here, and I'm fighting for you, babe. Go and sign the settlement or just say that you'll fight for us too."

"Please step out of my house. Please…" Alison's eyes welled up with tears as she closed the door in Emily's face.

"Fuck!" Emily exclaimed, sinking to a squat as she resigned herself to the fact that Alison would never be hers again.

Her world spinning as she placed her head in her hands, Emily wondered what, if anything, she hadn't said. How much of her life was she going to spend remembering this moment? On top of every mistake she had made over the past year, she had another to add to the list. It was her fault. And Emily knew she deserved every second of it.

But then the door opened. Alison stood blankly with a pen in hand, causing Emily to stand back up. As she flipped through the pages, Emily started repeating the first part of her vows, "Since the day you opened your apartment door almost exactly eight years ago, I knew my relationship with you would be utterly different from what it had been all our years prior. From that day forward, I knew that a forever love like ours hits you when you least expect it. But in taking the time to look back, I found that I fell in love with you long before my heart caught up. _"_

"Emily – "

"Please just listen. Let me at least say this part one last time." Alison dropped her hands as Emily continued, _"_ I cannot promise to always be the perfect wife, but I promise to love you endlessly. To fight with you and for you, but never against you. To be your biggest fan, confidant, and best friend. Thank you for being the woman I always knew I needed, but for a time, I struggled to see. I made that promise to you over 4 years ago, sweetheart. I knew then and I know now that you will forever be worth fighting for and you've always been what I need in my life. I just lost my way. I'm not looking to go back to before; I just want a second shot at this. We can start wherever you need us to, but I'm not leaving until you give me an answer or sign that last page."

Tears welled in Emily's eyes as Alison stared back at her wife. She looked different than the night Alison arrived home. Knowing her face inside and out, Alison traced her eyes over every facet of Emily's expression. Her lips were lightly pursed, being held together due to Emily's bottom lip quivering. Her eyebrows were raised, openly pleading for Alison to take her back. Her eyes were solemn and anguished, single tears spilling out every few seconds while Emily blinked to try and make them go away. She had known it since opening the front door; Emily was being more than sincere. She was being transparent for the first time since she had returned home. That combined with the text on her phone from her brother made Alison reconsider.

**_Hear her out for me, please._ **

So she turned back inside and placed the paper on the table in the foyer before turning back around to face her, "How about a date?"

"For the signature page or the – " Emily paused, starting to break out into a grin.

"Don't be a jerk, now." Alison pushed Emily's arm back as she shyly tucked her head. But as Alison made contact with Emily's wrist, Emily wrapped her fingers gently around it to barely pull Alison forward.

"Come here." Emily mumbled as she exhaled, wrapping her wife in a hug for the first time since Alison walked through their front door two months earlier.

And though nothing between them felt fully resolved or finalized, as they both closed their eyes with their arms around each other, they felt something they hadn't felt since the day before their lives came crashing down in 2015.

They felt peace.

* * *

**A/N: I honestly don't know if I love this chapter or hate it. I'm sure each of you will have mixed emotions as well. So feel free to tell me how you feel in a comment below. :)**

**You guys know how this goes! Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.  
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**See you Sunday!**

**\- secretpen28**


	23. Needy

"Did you want something specific from the fridge?"

"Is there sparkling water in there still by chance? I can't remember if I grabbed the last one this morning or not."

"There's one left! Over ice?"

"Yeah…" Alison's voice trailed as the first instance of their relationship falling back into place happened instantaneously. As Emily rounded the corner with both of their drinks, Alison continued speaking, "I hope you know that when I suggested us going on a date out there, I didn't exactly mean right now."

"I wanted you to just know for sure that I'm here. By the way, I got a text from Mom while getting everything from the kitchen, and she's bringing Liv over in 30 minutes or so. Is that still alright?"

"Of course it is! I have her until Tuesday, right?"

Emily nodded, "After talking tonight though, I'm hoping that maybe I can sneak some visits in while she's over here too? And I don't want anything to be too much too soon, but I'm positive that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. If you'll let me."

Alison clutched her drink close to her chest as she glanced at her wife, "All of this will take an adjustment, for sure. Give me a heads up and the ability to say 'No.' and I don't see why it would ever be an issue."

"I understand. I'm so sorry for not giving you all that you needed when you got home in December. You didn't deserve it, and it's not going to happen again. You need to see me do that, Ali. I can't just say it and expect things to go back to how they were." Alison blinked multiple times, closing her eyes tightly before reopening them, which caused Emily to laugh, "Are you trying to see if this is real?"

"No offense toward you, but this is the Emily I was hoping to find when I got home."

"And like I said, I lost my way. In all the time I spent without you, I forgot your necessity in my life. Trust me, I'll spend however long I need making it up to you."

"Emmy –"

Emily groaned, "You only call me that when you're concerned for my well-being…"

"Is that a bad thing?" Alison turned her body to face Emily's, "If we're going to do this, really give us a shot again, then you don't need to make anything up to me. This isn't about us being even; this is about us finding each other again."

Emily leaned her head against the back of the couch to stare at her wife, smirking, "Okay, I can do that."

"We have about 50 days, Em. That's when both of our signatures are due. If we can't make this work in 50 days, we have to go to court or possibly start our proceedings over again."

"Then, I'm happy we're starting tonight." Emily extended her hand out, "Hold my hand, please?"

"You know we have to talk about it. So, I need you to be honest with me. How are you? Actually. Because last time we checked in, you said you felt heavy, and it weighed on me for days."

"I'm okay. The break up was my doing from beginning to end. So yes, it sucks because it's a loss. But I knew from the moment those divorce papers hit my hands that I needed to be sure of every move I made from there on out."

Alison chuckled, "Well, that was the point of them, so I'm happy that they had some impact."

"It made it real. That's not to say that everything else wasn't. But it's been weird. I feel like I'm finally coming out of a cloud."

"You mean the depression you were talking about?"

"Maybe…" Emily trailed off, closing her eyes, "Do you mind if I just talk through what I'm thinking? Maybe you'll get it or be able to figure parts of it out for me."

"I'm here."

"Thank you." She paused, gathering her thoughts, "I haven't really talked about this with anyone so far, except for maybe Hanna. But she didn't want to seem partial or anything and gave me kind of half-answers. And I know you won't do that." Emily squeezed Alison's hand as she took in the moment in front of her. "You leaving; it was really hard on me. And I know you know that because you held me so tightly the night before we took you up there while I sobbed endlessly. So many parts of life were so stressful then because you weren't here. I was also trying to keep myself and Liv healthy, so we didn't lose her before she was born too. It was a lot. But the only way I knew how to cope was to mask it like how I did when Dad died. Swallow the pill and keep moving."

"It sounds like my parent's divorce. Like if you stop for too long, then maybe everything would actually catch up to you?"

"Yeah… and so when things started slowing down, my first instinct was to rip the mask off that I had been wearing. But with that, I realized that I hadn't addressed anything since 2015."

"So you ignored it. Me included."

Emily gulped, bringing the back of Ali's hand up to her lips for a lingering yet delicate kiss, "Unfortunately, yes. And things got better; I thought I was okay. It's been hitting me the past few weeks though that I essentially created a new mask for myself, I think. If that makes any sense and getting the divorce paperwork made me question if the new mask was even worth it. Did forgetting so much of my past make sense if I didn't even like the mask I was wearing?"

"Are you saying that you didn't like who you were or you didn't like forgetting?"

"Both, I guess. And us co-parenting made me always think about us and our marriage in general, but then, everything else." Emily opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Alison rubbed her thumb back and forth on the back of Emily's hand, "You're okay, Em. You're doing great; take all the time you need."

"It just made me think about Liam…" Emily tucked her head into her chest from the pain of simply saying his name aloud, "I have and had gone so long not honoring him in my life, not taking care of him and his memory exactly how I take care of Liv. And I realized, if I were to stay with Maya, that a part of him would always be missing in our relationship. Because I refused to acknowledge it. Because we didn't go through it together. I had gone so long living in that relationship without that part of myself that I didn't even know if like – fuck. If our relationship would even work with everything coexisting."

"You mean Maya and Liam's memory?" Alison's concern was apparent in her posture, facial expressions, and empathy in her voice. Her mind wracked at how little they had addressed Emily's pain in the wake of Alison's trial. In front of her were the remnants of a woman who never had time to heal because she was never given the space to.

"All of it, Al. I've never done it before, so I didn't know if it would ever be possible. So I started trying to reconcile with myself what it would look like if I chose to leave parts of myself behind that I just never introduced to Maya out of that fear."

"Babe – "

"No, I'm almost done… I starting reconciling and realized that if I wasn't going to feel every part of my past, day in and day out because I didn't know how to, then the love I have for that person and the love I feel from them in return would have to be more than with anyone I have before. That's the only way I'd be able to make it sanely. But that just wasn't the case, Al… it hasn't been the case since we kissed back in December."

"I know what you mean. That night meant a lot to me too. I'm sorry I wasn't there to work through this with you."

"It's just been over the past few weeks. It's fine, but that's what I mean by coming out of a cloud. I'm sure the depression is part of it, but the rest of me has been packaged and kept away too. There are parts of me that Maya never saw, and they're very confused as to why they're being let out now." Emily kept her lips together as she gave a one-sided smile to her wife. "But what about you, Al? How have you bee –"

The door rang behind them, causing Alison to pop up from the couch immediately, "Don't worry, Em. I'll grab it." She skipped to open the door, causing Emily to rest her head on her fist, blushing at how adorable Alison was just thinking about seeing Olivia. "Is that my Squirt?" she announced as the door flew open, sending a barrage of giggles through their daughter.

"So good to see you, Ali." Pam began speaking, while passing Olivia off to her daughter-in-law, "I texted Emily, and I assume she cleared this all through you that dropping her off was still okay."

"Yeah, Mom! I'm here."

"You're here?" Pam surprisingly asked, swinging her head around the door to make eye contact. "But your car is –"

"- parked down the block. I was in a rush."

"Okay… Is there anything I need to know about this?" she asked, pointing in between both girls.

"Ali, close the door." Emily announced, laughing as she turned away.

Pam smirked, looking up at Alison, "Is that a yes?"

"We'll let you know what you need to know as soon as we do. How is that?"

Pam nodded giddily, reaching up to hug Alison and placing a kiss on her cheek, "Bye Livvy! Have fun with your mommies, okay?"

"Bye, Pam. She'll be back to your house on Tuesday. Thanks again." Alison closed the door, turning toward her wife, "Emily! What the hell was that?"

"She'll interfere!" she replied, throwing up her hands.

"We need to teach your mommy better manners, don't we, Squirt?" Alison asked as Olivia grabbed the sides of her face to place a sloppy kiss on Alison's cheek.

"Peas!" Olivia announced as she let go and rest her head against Alison's shoulder.

"Exactly! You hear that, babe? You gotta say please once and a while."

"Yeah, yeah." Emily mumbled while standing up to see her daughter, "Hi, baby girl! How was Gamma's? Did you have fun?"

Emily tickled Olivia's neck as Alison kept her perched on her hip. Her laughter flooded through their first floor as Alison turned to look at her wife. For the first time, the three of them were actually together, as one party, in unison. She looked deeply into Emily's eyes as they exuded a light from them that had been missing in the months she had been home. And as she attempted to center herself in this moment, she began blinking rapidly to try and will the tears away.

"You alright?" Emily asked, looking down at Alison.

She nodded back, biting her lip, "I've just waited for this moment for a long, long time."

"Well, it's here, and it's here to stay." Emily assured, placing a small kiss on the top of Alison's forehead before scooping up Olivia from her hands.

Emily swung Olivia around wildly, up and down in the middle of their living room as Olivia's voice continued to echo, "Who knew that 4 hours away from you would make me miss you so much, Squirt? What do you say we help Mommy relax tonight? Does that sound good?"

Olivia put her little fist up to her mouth as she nodded, "Looks like a yes there, Al. And you know that arguing with Liv isn't smart to do. Are your nightclothes upstairs or down right now?"

"They're up." Alison replied hesitantly as Emily walked toward her.

"How about you run upstairs, grab the pj's you want to wear tonight, and Livvy and I will get you a bath drawn downstairs?"

"Emily, you don't have to –"

"I want to, Alison. There's a difference. Are you going to say no to these faces?" Emily turned to Olivia, showing off her pout, which led to their daughter giving her best imitation back in Alison's direction.

Alison walked up to her daughter, "I guess I can't say no that! But I'm only agreeing because of Olivia, Em. Not because of your input."

Brushing a piece of hair away from Alison's face, Emily replied, "I'll take what I can get. Go, let us get everything ready down here. Come on, babycakes!"

Alison looked over her shoulder as Emily and Olivia jogged off into the master bedroom. Disbelief flooded her mind as she climbed the stairs. Lucky. That was the only word for it. To have a healthy daughter, a relationship starting to be mended, and hope. Finally, some hope.

She exhaled into the mirror upstairs as she bundled her robe and pajamas into the crook of her right arm. The Emily in her home tonight was remarkably similar to the Emily she fell in love with over and over again years ago. She was honest and vulnerable and witty and patient and generous and effervescent, and continuously stunning, even through her tears. It was hard to take in so quickly. It was all happening so fast that she hadn't even had time to process what was going on.

Whispering to herself, she attempted to console her racing heart before going back downstairs, "This is what you wanted to come home to. You have 50 days to feel it out. Take your time. It's okay…"

"Mommy!" she heard Olivia squeal from downstairs. "Mommy!"

"Don't be alarmed! Your bath is ready; take your time!" Emily soon followed.

Alison walked downstairs towards the bathroom, delicately closing the door most of the way. Emily had pulled some candles from the bottom cabinet to light while the tub was filled with warm water and some bubbles. Getting undressed and sinking into the tub, relief left her body for the first time all day. This was good. This could only be good.

She closed her eyes as she allowed her heart to slow down for an unknown length of time before she began to hear whispers from the bedroom.

"Make sure you knock quietly, sweetie."

A tiny knock was heard from the cracked door, "Mommy…" Olivia whispered. "Mommy…"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Alison watched the curls on the back of Olivia's neck bounce as her head turned back toward Emily for her next steps.

"You can walk in now, Squirt. It's okay." Emily approached the door, holding the outside of it with part of her hand so that it opened a little more for Olivia to walk through. "She wanted to bring you some water, Ali."

"Water! How thoughtful of you!" Alison replied, sitting up in the tub as Olivia waddled her way.

"Tada!" Olivia gestured, pushing the water cup in both palms toward Alison.

"Thank you so much, baby girl. Can I get a kiss?" she leaned out of the tub as Liv kissed her quickly before turning back to sit on the carpet in front of the tub.

"Al?" Emily knocked just a few seconds later, "Could I come in? Maybe?"

"Yeah, give me just a minute." She reassured, sinking back into the tub and allowing the bubbles to recover her from the neck down, "Okay. I'm good."

Emily walked to the other side of the tub to sit on the corner, facing Alison, "I know that we didn't quite get to finish talking earlier, but I figured that I shouldn't intrude on your night with Liv. So, I was just coming in to say bye."

Alison readjusted, allowing her left arm to come out from the water to grab her cold glass sitting on the edge next to her, "You can wait if you want. I'll be out in just a few minutes."

"No, it's okay. I called Spence while we were in the living room, and she's willing to babysit on Monday. I was hoping that you would go to dinner with me. I know we're a few days late for Valentine's Day, but if we're going to give this a shot again, I figured – "

"I'd love to, Em."

"Good." She exhaled, "Okay, I'm going to go then. I'll lock up behind myself." Emily stood before crouching next to Olivia, "Thank you for helping me tonight, Squirt. Be good for your mom, okay? Love you and see you very soon!"

Alison's hand hung over the side of the tub as Emily looked back up at her wife, "You look beautiful tonight, by the way." Emily assured, tracing down the scar on the outside of Alison's arm before reaching for her hand. "Couldn't leave without telling you that. Thank you… for everything tonight." She kissed the inside of her palm before standing up to walk out.

"Wait," Alison spoke without thinking. Emily looked over her shoulder, brushing her dark hair back over her shoulder to make full eye contact with Alison. "Do you want to stay? On the couch? In here? I mean, I'll be upstairs."

"Upstairs?" Emily turned around, confused.

"Yeah… I typically don't, uh. I don't come in here anymore, really."

Emily nodded, mulling over the words Alison was leaving out. This space was tainted for her. A room that was once their relationship's haven ransacked by Emily's ignorant and selfish choices. No matter how many times the sheets were changed or how often the surfaces of the bathroom were scrubbed, the rooms no longer only contained memories of Emily and Alison.

Emily's hands dropped to her side, "I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about…"

"It's okay."

The silence fell between them. Even with making progress tonight, one simple gesture had opened up the door to everything still existing between them. The baggage they carried. The time they lost. The memories they shared.

"You can still stay if you want, it's – "

"Not tonight, Al. I need to sit with what you just said for a bit so that I'm ready to talk to you about it on Monday. Can we do that? I'll stay over after our date. Is that alright?"

Alison nodded as Emily smirked back over her shoulder. She held her breath the entire time she heard Emily gathering her things. As soon as she heard the front door close, Alison collapsed into sobs. Even though Emily had been so open about her feelings mere hours before, it wasn't until then that Alison fully understood how Emily could feel heavy. How the weight of everything they still had yet to discuss clouded their air. How even though they had taken a step, they still had hundreds left to take before Alison could even see herself reaching out to touch her wife.

She knew she had to try though, even if it was hard. Or brought tears to her eyes. Or felt uncomfortable. Or was terrifying. Even as Alison tried to get it together over the next few minutes, she knew she wasn't alone. Because while trying to get composed, her wife's hand had been replaced with their daughter's, and until all was okay, Alison knew that trying was more than worth it. For Olivia.

And for the foreseeable future, for Olivia would have to do.

* * *

**A/N: I hope this answers everyone's even slight concerns about Alison being willing to give Emily another chance. In my eyes, I think Alison definitely opened the door towards allowing Emily to walk back into her life, but as you can see, she is still incredibly apprehensive. There's still a ton left for them to unpack and only 50-ish days to do it. So excited to be at this part of the journey though because I missed the Emison feels just as much as you all did.**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.  
**

**If you're looking for more Emison, I just finished publishing the first Emison story I ever wrote, _More Like Her_. Its already completed sequel, _Turn Your Face_ , will start being published on Tuesdays and Fridays, starting this Tuesday! Go catch up if you haven't yet! :)  
**

**Sending you all the best going into this week,**

**secretpen28**


	24. Anyway You Want It

Breathing deeply into her bathroom mirror, Alison struggled to control her shaking hands enough to complete a single braid to pin to the back of her hair. Even with the calm internal reassurance that their date tonight would be fine, the thought of not knowing exactly what to expect still brought a chill through her extremities. It had even been a struggle zipping up her sky blue dress with her lack of coordination and nerves.

"Spencer? Are you still next door?" Alison called out, dropping her hands to her side in surrender.

Spencer peeked her head in the door less than 10 seconds later with a bouncing baby girl on her hip, "Yeah, perfect timing! Just finished changing this one. You okay?"

"I don't know." Her indecision came out in a pathetic whisper, which caused Spencer to laugh.

"You're acting like you haven't been dating this woman for over half a decade! Emily is who's coming to pick you up tonight, right?"

"Yeah, Spence. I'm just nervous; she mentioned staying the night or something tonight, and I still have no idea what we're doing." She exhaled, reaching back up to her braid. "But I can't fasten this. I keep reaching back to pin it, but my left-hand shakes. I made the braid so tiny that it keeps just falling through my fingers."

"Calm down, worrywart. Let me just… " Spencer began moving, placing Olivia on the counter while she attempted to fix Alison's poorly done braid, "I mean, Al. Do you mind if I just – I mean, it's a mess back here, babe."

"Fine. Do whatever. I haven't been on a date in almost three years, barely wore makeup for two years, can't even tell you the last night I was nervous for something like this. I'm either having the early stages of a heart attack or am actually panicking."

Alison closed her eyes, trying to center herself with her palms on the counter in front of her. Noticing her stress, Olivia rested her hand on top of her mother's, "Okay, mommy?"

Glancing to her left, Alison bent down to kiss her daughter on the forehead, "Of course, I am Squirt." Alison ran her hand through the back of her dark hair, "I'm going out with Mama tonight, and I kind of might like her a lot."

"Mama?"

"Yes, baby girl. I know you haven't quite seen it yet, but your mom has made me nervous for most of my life. She's one of the best people I've ever known, and I just want everything tonight to go well."

Spencer smiled into the mirror as she patted the back of Alison's head to indicate she was finished, "There you go. Much more presentable."

"Well, then. Let's ask the girl whose opinion is the only one that matters. What do you think, Livvy? Is Mommy pretty tonight?" Alison crouched to Olivia's eye level in her bare feet while Olivia put both her hands on either side of her face and nodded Alison's head up and down. "Really? You think Mama will like it?"

Alison wrapped her hands around Olivia's back to pick her up and spin around. As they spun, though, they immediately came face to face with Emily, who was standing with her head resting against the door jam, "I like it a lot, Ali." Emily stepped forward, tapping her finger against Olivia's nose as she smiled and reached out for her mother. "You've always looked stunning in blue." She whispered, pressing a kiss against Alison's cheek.

From behind them, Spencer re-announced her presence, "Ugh. I had fully forgotten how cringy you two have always been. Damn, I'll be downstairs." She ushered past them faster than she could even finish her sentence.

Alison smirked as Emily trailed her hand down Alison's arm to connect their hands, "I missed you two. How have you been?"

"Pretty good. Right, Squirt? We went to the park yesterday and did some painting when we got home. Livvy, you wanna go grab what you made for Mommy?" Which made Olivia squirm out of Emily's arms and race off to her bedroom.

"You made something for me?" Emily looked back at Alison before squeezing her hand and leading her out of the guestroom bath.

As the two turned the corner into Olivia's room, their daughter was running back toward their ankles. Emily sunk down to the floor as Olivia passed her artwork, and Alison began explaining. "We put the paper in a cookie sheet, and she was able to move around marbles in different colors of paint to come up with this creation."

Despite the jumble of lines and colors which looked more black in appearance after mixing than their original counterparts, Emily wrapped their daughter in a hug, "This is so pretty! I can't wait to take it home to put in on the fridge. Is this your handprint in the corner, Squirt?"

Olivia nodded as she tucked her head into her mom's chest out of shyness, "I told you she would love it, Liv. You did such a great job."

"Thank you, baby girl." Emily reassured, picking Olivia back up and wrapping her other arm around Alison's waist, "Thank you, too."

"It was no big deal; Olivia wanted to do something for you."

Emily lightly scoffed at Alison's reply, "Right, right. You played no part." Emily adjusted the picture in her hand that was holding Olivia to show up in the top corner where neatly written was, 'To Mommy Love Liv and Ali.'

"Have you made our daughter proficient in writing English over the past two days, babe?"

"What can I say? She's an impressive baby!"

Letting go of Alison's waist, Emily brought her hand up to Alison's braid, which was now wrapped like a half-crown around the rest of her hair. She smirked as she replied, "Whatever you say… I love this, by the way."

"Thank you. I needed Spencer's help because my hands were shaking horribly."

Emily took a step back, holding Alison's hand up to double-check, "It seems okay now. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine now." Alison reassured, turning around to walk toward the staircase before looking over her shoulder, "They went away the moment I saw you."

Plastering a dumb smile on Emily's face, she walked over the Spencer at the bottom of the stairs to show off Olivia's drawing and pass her off. "We'll be back before ten, I assume. But I'll keep you posted, okay?"

"My first appointment tomorrow isn't until late morning, so don't worry about it! We're gonna have a blast, won't we Livvy?"

"Bye, sweetheart!" Alison exclaimed, gathering her things before heading for the door.

Though Emily left behind her, Alison was quickly surpassed by her wife, who ran to open her car door, "So sorry about that." Emily reassured, shaking out her arms as she closed the door.

Alison laughed, getting into the car, "You haven't been this jittery since our very first date. Are you who I should actually be worried about?"

"No, no. I'll be fine. It didn't hit me until I closed the front door that we're actually alone. That this second chance is real." Emily wrapped her hands around the steering wheel, taking it all in, "I just don't want to fuck it up."

"Either of us could fuck this up, Em. We're figuring this out, but you're not going to make or break this relationship by opening and closing my car door for me."

Emily chuckled, "Oh, that didn't seal the deal for you? That's the only trick I had up my sleeve!"

"You're a mess." Alison reached across the console to place her hand on Emily's forearm. "Don't worry, Emmy. I'm here for you, and you're here for me. That's all that matters right now."

Emily nodded, "You're right. Also, I wanted to do something different tonight, if that's alright. Something I don't think we've ever done before. Would you mind taking the train into Philly?"

"The train?"

"Yeah, I want as much time being with you as possible. And when I'm driving, part of my brain will always be a little preoccupied."

"Okay, Em, let's do it."

The car stayed relatively silent as the hesitant couple made their way into the middle of town to take the train. Though they held hands as Emily lazily danced her thumb on Alison's palm, there continued to be a palpable hesitancy between them. "We haven't made this drive together in a bit, Al. I don't know your preference. Do you mind driving by the memorial, or should we bypass it?"

"I don't like it. But when I take the bus, I have to pass it. I should be fine. I'll just look at my hands."

The light turned red as Emily drew closer to the intersection that years earlier had changed their lives. On the northeast corner stood a memorial for both Chance and Liam, a memorial built during the nearly two years she was in jail.

"I've never had to stop here yet, though…" Alison muttered from the passenger's seat, "I guess the light is timed for the bus." Alison's eyes were staring through her hands, trying to escape the car through her fingers.

"Hey." Emily assured, turning Alison's face with her chin to look into Emily's eyes, "Look at me instead. It's okay. You're okay. You don't have to be ready today or tomorrow or ever, but I am here with you. You'll be okay. We're going to make it through this light together, okay?"

"Together…" Alison replied, tears beginning to brim her eyes, "What – what does it look like? Is it a nice memorial for both of them?"

"Yeah, sweetheart." Emily reached up to brush one of Alison's fallen tears away. "It's gray and rounded on the corner. There are curved benches with a statue in the middle between them. And on the ground, there's a little plaque."

"Okay… and Liz designed it all?"

"Yeah, babe. His mom used most of the restitution money on it and its upkeep." Emily kept talking as she pulled through the light, making sure that Alison's eyes stayed on her. "Okay, it's out of view."

"Thanks for doing that with me."

"Of course."

"His birthday was last week…" Alison's voice trailed off as Emily pulled into the train station parking lot.

"Tuesday, right? Do you still –"

Alison nodded, "Yeah, I called. He would've been 27."

"How was Liz doing?" Emily held Alison's hand tightly in hers as, from a distance, she could see their originally planned train pulling away from the station.

"She was good." Alison smiled through her tears, "Really proud of me for getting out and completing all of my classes. I told her that Livvy was walking now and that you were doing fine as well. She just reassured me how blessed she was to have spent 23 birthdays with her son and that the true loss that day was that we never got to spend any birthdays with Liam…" Alison paused to take a gasping breath. "I just always feel so unworthy to be on the other end of the phone call. At this point, I've taken 4 birthdays away from her, and I'm always going to be the person that takes birthdays away year after year."

"I know it's hard, Ali. But it's better this than the alternative of no contact and no forgiveness. Even though every year is so hard, it means so much to Liz that you call."

"It's the least I can do…"

"But most people wouldn't even do that. You do know that, right? You know how strong you are?"

"Me calling isn't strength, Em. It's repentance." Alison looked up at her wife, "Sorry. I didn't mean that coldly."

"It's okay, Al. I know the first year, I wasn't strong enough to make the call with you, and then, you were away and all. But maybe next year, I'll call with you?"

"I'd like that… can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything, Ali." Alison's vulnerability was slowly but surely getting to her wife, who couldn't stop the lump in her throat from expanding.

"I know that there's a memorial service every July. I've never been and like, right now, I can't even look at the memorial from the fucking car. I need to make it to the service this year, Em."

"I understand… we can work up to it."

Alison exhaled, "Okay. I need to be done with this, or I won't make it through dinner. Can we go now?"

Emily continued wiping Alison's tears away as she spoke, "Well, we have about 10 more minutes, I think. We missed the train we were supposed to take." She chuckled as Alison fell into her arm.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. But I didn't want to interrupt, and we would've looked insane walking onto the train like this."

"But you still look great, Em…" she paused, "So that must mean, oh fuck." Alison turned to pull down the mirror, where her mascara had slowly started fading down her cheeks, "Emily!"

"What?" she began laughing even harder, "What was I supposed to do?"

"Tell me?"

"You were grieving! I was supposed to interrupt and tell you – "

"That I look like a fucking crypt keeper with raccoon eyes? Yes, you were."

"You don't have to keep up appearances for me, Alison. You're beautiful, regardless."

"Easy for you to fucking say!" Alison lamented while grabbing Kleenex to douse with water in attempts to clean up. "You always look like a model!"

"Here, turn toward me. Let me help…" Emily used the napkins in her hand to delicately fix her makeup. "I must say, it's kind of adorable that you're this concerned with how you look in front of me when you woke up with nothing on next to me for years." She smirked in her wife's direction.

"I just don't want you to – "

"What? Be disappointed? See the little knicks and scars on your body? Hold you to a weird double standard?"

"I don't know…"

"You have nothing to worry about, honestly." Emily paused as she balled up the Kleenex in her hand before moving to open the car door, "You look amazing. You've always looked amazing."

Alison double-checked her makeup in the mirror before getting out as well and adjusting her dress. "It's not just because of you, Em. It's – " her voice trailed off as her head snapped to the ground as a group of people passed, pointing and whispering.

"What the fuck was that?" Emily asked, walking to her side of the car. "Does that happen to you often?"

"If I leave the house? In Rosewood? Yeah, all the time. I'm the crazy lady who got of jail early despite killing a 20-something with my car and champagne surrounding me, Em. All I get are stares."

"Ali, you could've told me if you would've preferred to stay home."

"No, it's fine. The more often I'm out, the less awkward seeing me will eventually become."

"Do you need me to do anything?"

"I don't think so… you know you don't always have to be my knight in shining armor, Em." Alison paused, turning to Emily before they walked up the stairs toward the train platform.

Emily shuddered in the breeze, "First, you call me a model and now, a knight? So many compliments from the usually stoic, Alison DiLaurentis!"

Alison laughed, placing her hand against Emily's chest, "You're such a tease."

And before Alison could tell her mind otherwise, she was pulling Emily in for a kiss. Her right hand on her chest and left barely lingering against her jawline, Alison felt Emily's fingers grip her side without a second thought. Their lips surged together as Emily immediately wrapped her forearm around Alison's back, leaning further into their embrace as she felt Alison pulling away.

"Fuck." Alison pushed back off of Emily's chest with her hands, "I'm so sorry. That was – "

"Perfectly fine?"

"No, just a thank you. For earlier, taking care of me… in the car." Alison stuttered as she started walking away from Emily and towards the train.

"Okay. Yeah, sure." Emily walked up behind her, attempting to link their hands back together.

"Em, I can't. I didn't mean to do that back there. It wasn't on purpose." Alison shook out her hands rapidly.

"I get it. I get it." Emily replied, wrapping her arms around herself while stepping away from Alison.

"We haven't even talked about Saturday yet, Em." Alison turned back in defense mode, "We can't just jump into this without fucking looking."

"No, I know. I won't let it happen again."

With the train pulling into the station, a breeze blew both of them backward at the platform as Alison stepped into the car first with Emily lingering behind. Emily whispered into the air, "I won't let it happen again, no matter how badly I want it to."

"You say something?" Alison turned back toward her wife.

"Not at all. Sit wherever."

Alison walked forward until she found two empty seats side by side. As she sat down, though, Emily chose to sit across the aisle.

"What the fuck?" Alison asked, open-handed, "Don't be mopey. Get your ass over here."

Emily readjusted next to her as she kept speaking, "I'm as confused as you are. Is it terrible that I want to respect you and whatever boundaries you may have?"

"It's not terrible at all. But we have to be adults about this, we can't fall back into old patterns haphazardly because we miss the feeling of it all."

"I get it." Emily sat facing forward, stuck in the constant replay of their kiss. It was all she had wanted for the evening. Comfortability. Alison taking the first step, but as soon as she knew what was happening, Emily had lost her ability to move slowly. Her composure went out of the window.

"You know, I haven't been able to thank you yet, Em." Alison interrupted her train of thought next to her.

"For what?"

"Raising Liv. You're such a great mom." Alison smirked, keeping her hands in her lap despite the longing feeling for holding Emily's hands once more.

"She's easy to love."

"That's not what I mean, though. You bring such calm into her life. She can be endlessly happy, but there is a difference in her smile when she's with you."

"Really?" Emily glanced at Alison, finally starting to bring Alison back into her orbit.

"100 percent. Her smile becomes toothier, which I'm not sure how that's possible, considering she only has 5 of them. But her little tongue pokes out more, and she gets shy and giggly. She loves you differently than anyone else in her life, babe."

"I hadn't realized. It's so easy to think that maybe you're not doing everything you need to be doing." Emily looked down at her hands.

"Well, I wanted you to know that you've stepped into the role effortlessly. She is so lucky to have you. And though I never doubted it for a minute, no matter how this between us turns out, I feel extraordinarily blessed that we chose to have a family together. I couldn't have picked a better partner to raise Olivia."

"It really has been crazy how easily you've fallen back into everything. You came home and stepped up immediately. She loves you so much, even though it's been a short time. It's incredibly impressive."

"Did you expect anything less?"

"Not at all, Al. But I did wonder if you would be hesitant or would take your time before wanting her to stay the night with you alone. You never know, but I never had any doubts. During Liam's pregnancy and the beginning of Liv's, you were always the best support system. Even if we fall apart, I know that we will always be the best parents Liv could've ever wanted."

"Do you think we will?" Alison asked reluctantly.

"Fall apart? I can't answer that…" The thought of being apart sent chills through Emily's body, forcing her to look away.

"Right now, though, what do you think?"

"I know we'll talk about this in a bit because I promised you we would on Saturday. But, if you can't move past Maya, then yeah, I think it's over. I fucked up and ruined so much trust between us that if you're not able to hear me out and see past it… I won't know where to go from there." Emily started standing as their train pulled up to the Philadelphia station, "We're here."

Emily lightly rested her hand on Alison's upper back as she guided her out into the city before starting to walk up the street.

Alison continued the conversation where they had left off, "Yeah. I really don't know if I'll be able to. I'm working on it, but it's a process. I have a ton of questions to ask, that's for sure."

Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her pants, Emily replied, "I'll answer anything you need me to. Even though it will fucking suck."

Alison laughed, "You know I won't back down."

Emily started slowing down in front of the small yet stylish Asian restaurant they were eating at, "I'd expect nothing less from you, Ali." Opening the door, Emily reached for Alison's hand once more while stepping up to the hostess stand. To her surprise, Alison willingly reciprocated, "We have a reservation for two under the name Fields."

"Right this way." The hostess replied, shuffling the two of them through the relatively busy restaurant for a Monday.

"What is this place?"

"Gung Ho. One of the newest places in Philly. I've only heard great things, so I figured we could try it out."

As they sat down in their small booth in the back, Alison looked over the menu, intrigued, "It seems like excellent food."

"Yeah," Emily glanced up, "They also have some specialty cocktails in the back. I called ahead, and they can make any of them without alcohol."

"Oh, thank you for that. That's cute of you."

Emily blushed, "I try, but I know how important your sobriety is for you. I know that after Liam's passing, I wasn't the best support for you when I started drinking again, even with the trial and everything. That won't happen again."

"You don't have to be sober for me, Em. That's not what needs to happen."

"I know. Right now, though, while we're figuring this out and working on us. It would be a disservice to us during these important conversations for me to be drinking."

"I appreciate that. So, what do you think? Should we just get into it?"

Emily smiled shyly, setting down her menu, "No beating around the bush for you, I see. Yeah, let me start. I know that I've apologized so many times, but it honestly never crossed my mind that as much as our house has been ruined by memories for me, that the same would be true for you."

"I wouldn't say ruined. It's like a haunting because I have no idea what has been ruined by memories and what hasn't. So really anything in the house has the potential of being destroyed for me, so I try to do things that would have the least potential of being true. Which is why I sleep in the guest room. I highly doubt Maya even stepped in that room."

"You'd be right in that. As far as I know, she only has ever been in Liv's room and the other bathroom upstairs that's not conjoined with that guestroom."

"Okay, good. That's a start." Alison exhaled. "I don't know how to do this without being direct."

"One second." Emily paused, calling over a waiter to place their order. As they walked away, Emily turned back to her wife, "Go ahead. Don't want people walking up unless it's with our food in the middle of this."

"How soon after you reconnected with her, did you kiss her?"

"To be fair, she kissed me."

"And you kissed back… the question still stands."

"It was months. End of June, and I went to that boot camp back in February. Like we reconnected almost a year ago."

"And you fucked her that same night?"

"No, not at all. I pushed her away after 20 seconds or so maybe. I wasn't ready for anything."

"So, when did that happen, Emily?"

"In July. That whole month is, of course, hard for us, and one of those nights, Maya was consoling me, and I wanted the pain to go away. So, I let it happen."

"Where?"

"Ali – "

"Emily, you slept with your ex in our shared home while technically only separated from me. And now there are parts of our home once only used by us that she has destroyed for me."

"You want each place?"

"I don't need the dirty fucking details, Em. I know what sex looks like. I just need to know what needs deep cleaning."

"It's not many places. From what I can recall, the couch. The shower. The counter in the bathroom upstairs."

"And?"

"I mean, it was mostly the bed." Emily couldn't lift her eyes.

"Nope. Say it. Don't look up at me like that as if you don't know what I'm talking about. Say it."

"Our bed."

"Thank you. Our bed. The bed we shared for years. That we moved from your apartment in Philly here because of how much of our relationship was built there. The number of days we laid there doing nothing but hearing each other's hearts beating. I can grasp the other places, but where in your head does you sleeping with another woman on our bed make sense?"

"It doesn't…"

"Then, why do it? Why ruin that entire room for us?"

"You want me to be honest?"

"No. Lie to me, babe." Alison rolled her eyes as she picked up her water.

"Fine. It's because I didn't think you were coming home soon. I wasn't thinking about you. I asked to be separated so that I wouldn't have to think of you every second of every damn day. At first, I refused for Maya and me to go into our room at all because I knew how much of a betrayal it would be. But after a few weeks, when you start falling into the routine of a relationship, other people you used to be involved with fall to the wayside. And over time, I cared less and less about us. Until I wasn't obsessing about it in my head anymore. But yeah, that's why. I thought you had 6 years left in there; I wasn't thinking about you at all."

Alison placed her hands together, staring straight back at Emily. For as hard as that was for Emily to say, it was harder for Alison to hear. She traced her tongue over her teeth, smiling politely as their food was brought to their table.

"Thanks so much!" Emily announced ushering away the waitress, before turning back to the conversation just as concerned, "Ali – "

"No, it's okay." Alison dismissed Emily's words with her hand.

"I never felt good about it. It wasn't the same as us."

"But –" Alison choked over her words, "But you loved her?"

Emily nodded, "Yeah. I did, Ali."

Alison put her pointer fingers up to her temple to remedy her building headache, "Feel free to not answer this one." She inhaled, eyes closed as she spoke, "Did you only fuck her, or did you make love to her?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question…"

"I can't even fucking believe I'm asking this." Alison set her hands down on the table before looking back at her wife, "How did you touch her? Were your hands patient and lingering, or were they forceful and brief?"

"I don't know why this matters."

"Because I don't want you to have touched her like you touched me… I don't want hidden moments between the two of us to have been transferred to her. I don't want to sleep with you at some point in the future and ask myself if Maya received the same in return. Or how your arm wrapped around me when we kissed earlier. Is that what you did with her?"

Alison rested on the verge of sheer anger and flowing tears. She couldn't process how she was meant to move forward when the thought of Emily's hands being on someone else revolted her so profoundly.

"I guess it was rough more often than it was tender. But yeah, I'm sure I made love to her more than once. But it's like I said, it wasn't the same."

"How is it not the same? You loved her, Emily."

"There's no way for you to believe what I'm saying, but I've never loved anyone like I loved you. Our relationship was equal in all regards, Al. No one expected more or less on any given day; we just were. When we had sex, it was an expression of that. It was us on the same playing field, coming together to make our relationship even more beautiful. In every other relationship I've been in, I've been the weaker one. Having sex ends up being this push and pull of sorts. Like, you have to think about it and constantly trying to find your footing. I've never had to think about it with you. There was no push and pull. So yes, many things about my betrayal were the same, but at no point in time was it anything like us being together. You have to believe me."

"I do. I understand the difference from when we first started dating and other people I'd slept with before. It's all just hard to reconcile. Because I look at you and see the woman I fell in love with and loved for so, so long. I look at you, and all I want is to be in your arms, but simultaneously, I don't know how I could ever be with you again. I don't know how I can ever separate your words now from your actions then."

"I went into this knowing that you might not be able to. You deserve so much better than what I gave you. You deserve to have never needed to have this conversation with the woman you married. But that's why I'm here, Ali. I'm here to answer anything that may ease your mind for even half a second. As hard as I know this is and will be, I can't stop fighting for us. I won't do it."

"What if I can't get past this?"

"Then, we go through with the divorce, Ali. We do what we planned on doing for the past month, and I would never hold that against you."

"I don't know what to do, Em." Alison groaned through her hands.

"Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"That you're an idiot. That you didn't think about us at all for nearly half of last year. That your choices for those 6 months have ruined the rest of your fucking life, and it doesn't make sense." She sighed, "But I'm also thinking about how I can tell you're sincere right now. That you feel guilty and ashamed and remorseful and just want to know how to make this right again. That I trust when you say that you're not leaving again. That you're going to keep fighting even if it takes me a lifetime."

"I mean, we do have all the time in the world. Unless you tell me to give up, then I will."

"Okay… Don't give up just yet."

"Whatever you say. Should we start heading home? It's almost 9:15."

As Emily paid the bill and collected all of their things, Alison went to the restroom to slow down her pulsing headache. She didn't know why any part of her was willing to stay. She knew she didn't deserve what happened to her. She knew that Emily was in the wrong. But more than anything, Alison was scared. Scared to let go of the only woman she had ever loved. Scared to become more like her parents than she had ever intended. Scared to actually live life alone. And giving in to her fear meant not giving Emily a chance. It meant believing Emily for her actions over the past year and not her words over the past week. She had to somehow figure out if taking the risk for their relationship was worth it.

"For Olivia." She whispered over and over again before exiting the restroom.

The ride home on the train was quiet. Emily understood. So much of their date had been taken up by difficulties that would plague their relationship forever. It was a lot for both of them to take in and process if the added stress made it all worthwhile. After the nearly hour trek home, Alison thanked Spencer for all of her help. She promised to buy her dinner this week as a peace offering before heading up to her room to change, checking on Liv, and leaving Emily and Spencer downstairs to talk. She waited until Spencer was gone to come back down.

"Wasn't sure if you were going to make a reappearance! I was getting ready to make room for myself on the couch." Emily adjusted herself on the couch as Alison walked down the stairs. She had changed from her date attire into a tank top and shorts in preparation for sleep.

"I didn't want to leave our date where it was." Alison crossed her arms at the bottom of the stairs.

"Good. I know we needed to talk about all of that, but I didn't want it to be the last topic in my head."

"Me either… Can I sit next to you?" Alison pointed to the empty spot next to her wife. She hesitantly leaned against Emily's chest. Attempting to lighten the mood, Alison spoke again, "So, was it this couch? Or…"

"Shut the fuck up, Al." Emily chuckled, wrapping her arm around her wife. "It was the other one."

"You nervous?" Alison asked, glancing upward, "I can feel your heart beating like crazy."

"Tonight's been nerve-wracking, to say the least. I don't know how to even start picking apart everything we talked about. Why'd you come back down though if you were planning on us just sitting here quietly."

Alison pulled away from Emily to look at her. "I know at dinner I was going on and on about not knowing how I felt about everything from believing you to trusting you to knowing if I could picture you touching me ever again."

"Yeah… I thought we weren't going back to that."

"Well, I realized that I was doing exactly what you had done to me before. Not answering questions fully but also not trying to get the answers either."

Emily nodded as she replied, "What are you getting at here?"

"I want to try something, but it's going to sound crazy."

"Whatever you think might help works for me, Ali."

"Okay." She bit her lip before looking around pensively, "Can I straddle you?"

"Straddle me? Um, I guess." Emily turned toward her wife thoroughly confused as Alison brought her legs to either side of Emily's hips, looking down at her.

Readjusting so that Alison was lower down on Emily's legs and their eyes were parallel, Alison kept talking. "I said that I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to let you touch me again. Before I go to bed tonight, I want to find that out. Is that okay?"

Emily gulped, "Sure."

"Please don't put your hands on me unless I ask. I don't want to push or shove or hurt you in some way before I know how I'll react."

But gently, Alison leaned forward to kiss Emily again, neither of their hands roaming each other's bodies. Their kiss started briefly, just barely grazing each other's lips. Alison began lightly flicking her tongue to hit Emily's bottom lip, sending a smile to her lips.

Pausing mid-kiss, Alison spoke, "Hold my hand."

Without hesitation, Emily connected her right hand with Alison's left. She spread her hand, feeling Alison's fingers trail down to graze her hand back and forth as their lips kept working in tandem. Emily kissed her slowly, leaving her mouth open for short periods to allow Alison to pull away. But as the minutes slowly passed, Alison only asked for further contact.

"Try your hand on my arm."

Emily placed her hand on Alison's bicep, rubbing her thumb back and forth against her skin. It was cold to the touch and begged for more. But as Emily tried to squeeze her wife's arm, Alison pulled away.

"Nope. Nope. Can't do that."

"Do what? A squeeze?" Emily leaned back, removing her hands, and finally looking at Alison for the first time since this experiment began. Her eyes were shot while her lips were slightly swollen and red. She had missed the innocence that dripped from Alison's face when being romantic. As if she was naïve to her talents and unaware of her draw.

"No, it's the open palm. Your palm on my skin."

"Okay, what about this?" Emily closed her hand into a fist to place it back on Alison's shoulder, rubbing up and down her arm while still looking at her. Though not ideal, it allowed her thumb to again run against her skin and also added the feel of Emily's nails trailing across in rhythmic patterns.

"Maybe…" Alison adjusted in Emily's lap, leaning forward with her thumb, barely grazing the side of Emily's bottom lip before coming back in for more.

"Can you try your lips, but no hands?"

Emily mumbled against Alison's lips as she moved slowly toward her wife's jawline. Kissing delicately at skin she hadn't accessed in years while whispering softly, "How about this? Do you still like this, babe?" She smirked as Alison exhaled contentedly. She worked up toward Alison's ear, a place that Emily's touch used to drive her wild. Blowing air delicately on her ear lobe, though, caused Alison to snap out of her pleasure.

"You can't do that tonight."

Emily allowed her hands to fall to the side of Alison's legs, looking up at her wife. Her thumbs hesitantly hovered over her ankles as she replied, "There'd be no coming back for you?"

"Definitely not." Alison smiled, falling back into Emily's chest.

"So… how was that?"

"Ideal. But incredibly foreign. I still feel shaky. I might never be ready for us to fully touch. Like, all I want to do is pull you closer, feel your hip bones in my palms, but my brain malfunctions. I just need to work up to turning my brain off."

"Take all the time you need, Ali. I'll wait as long as you want. I am more than patient for you." And for the first time that evening, Emily made the first move. Capturing Alison's lips forcefully, Emily hummed against them.

Everything within Emily screamed at being held back. She wanted nothing more than to hold onto her wife's hips, guide them in a circle on her lap, grip her ass, and flip her on her back to officially take Alison's pain from her betrayal away. But she knew she had forever. She knew that this was Alison trying. She knew that if there was any hope at keeping them together that she had to go Alison's speed. Anything faster might stop their process without a chance at revival.

And more than anything, all Emily wanted was to bring their relationship back to life.

* * *

**A/N: Writing this last part of the chapter was difficult to say the least because I wanted to make sure it wasn't too farfetched, but still showed the innate struggles that run as a current through these two still. Hope that was captured well! Thank you again for the support!  
**

**Next chapter on Monday or Tuesday as I will be out of town this weekend! See you all next week!  
**

**Read. Review. Favorite. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	25. That's The Way You Need It

It was the way she wrapped her in a hug as a parting goodbye. Wrapping her arms tenderly around her waist as if the ability to be closer to her heartbeat was all she needed to keep herself alive.

It was the way she kissed her forehead longingly. Kissing with a delicateness that left more to be desired as she pulled away.

It was the way she smiled from ear to ear the moment she saw her walking down the stairs in the morning. Smiling as though for a moment she had forgotten the beauty of the woman in front of her and had gained the privilege of falling in love all over again.

It was the way that the next morning Emily cooked breakfast without asking and as she brought Alison's plate to their couch, she set the plate down and did a little skip in front of her. She giddily laughed while leaning forward, placing her hands on either side of Alison's waist on the couch as she pulled her in for a kiss.

"Hey." She whispered staring back into her wife's porcelain blue eyes, biting her lip as she wondered how much further she may be able to push her luck this morning.

"Hi there. How'd you sleep?"

Emily turned back toward the kitchen to make her own plate as she continued speaking, "Not too well, actually. I woke up like two hours ago and couldn't go back to sleep. But I don't know if that was uncomfortability from being on the couch or just the excitement of being able to see you again."

"I was happy that you were still here when I woke up."

"Of course! I have to take Livvy back today, and it would've been quite the bitch move to take her before you could even wake up this morning." Emily chuckled, sitting back down on the couch next to Alison, crossing her legs underneath her. "Waking up early let me think a little bit though.

"Yeah? About what?" she asked, mouth full.

"I posted it on Craigslist."

"Posted what?"

"Our bed. If you can't even sleep in our room out of discomfort, it doesn't need to be in there. So some guy named Cameron is coming to pick it up in an hour or so, and a new bed will be coming later this week."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Al. Without tearing this entire home down to the studs, I don't know another way to help you feel more comfortable." Emily looked out of the corner of her eye, hesitantly as she continued, "I mean, unless we need to tear the home down to the studs, then I can make that happen too. It was the easiest first step that I could think – "

"Emmy? Stop freaking out." Alison smirked, placing her food-filled fork into her mouth once more, "That was incredibly sweet of you. Thank you."

Silence fell between the two again. Still not fully comfortable with the new-found standing of their relationship. If that was even what you could call it.

"There is just one thing…" her voice trailed off as she looked back at Emily, "I was thinking that you were taking Liv and that I'd have the day to do what I needed, so I scheduled a lunch."

"I can stay here and wait for the guy if you need. Is that what you're asking?"

Alison nodded, tucking her bangs behind her right ear before standing up to clear off the rest of her plate, "If I had known, I wouldn't have planned anything. It's just something I need to clear up."

"With who?" Emily looked over her shoulder back at her wife, who had positioned her body away from her in the course of walking away.

"Cassie…" Alison trailed again, "Spencer's assistant."

Scoffing, Emily replied, "Spencer's assistant, eh?"

"Yeah, you met her actually." She picked up her eyes for the first time in over a dozen seconds to find Emily smirking knowingly, "You know? She dropped off that scarf, and you came by with Spence – "

"Oh, I remember."

Alison laughed behind her, "You jealous?"

"No. Nope. Not me."

She felt arms wrap around her shoulders as Alison kept talking, "There's nothing to be jealous of, Em."

"Then how about you be a little more honest with me. You're not meeting her as 'Spencer's assistant', babe. You were dating her?" Emily turned her head to meet Alison's eyes.

"Not even that… we were just talking. Feeling it out." Alison placed a delicate kiss on Emily's cheek as she walked back around to the couch.

"Feeling each other out?"

"I can't believe you!" Alison laughed, shoving Emily's shoulder, "I come home to you engaged, and you're seriously butt hurt about a girl I got coffee with less than five times?"

"I know it's a bad look. I just remember seeing you smile at her… You like her."

Alison nodded, "Yeah, I do. I won't lie about that, but I can assure you that nothing ever happened between us."

"But if it weren't for me coming back around?"

"I don't know, Emily. I don't know how it matters either; I'm dedicated to figuring this out. I'm here to figure us out. Whatever could've happened with Cass doesn't matter as much as where we're headed."

Emily nodded, "I'm a little bit jealous, but I mostly feel guilty. It's like…" she turned her body toward Alison as she kept speaking, "We're working all of this out, right? And I love that we're taking those steps forward wherever that ends up leading us. But despite that, you still haven't smiled at me like you did with her since you've been home. Even over the past few days, you're still hiding part of yourself from me, and rightfully so. Fuck. I don't know how to describe it, Al. I feel guilty that I might be keeping you from someone who has made you so insanely happy when I wasn't able to be that person for you. That for as much as I believe we are meant to be together, I also believe that not letting you figure this out for yourself might cause resentment toward me later. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"I think so…" Alison sighed, "I'm not going to resent you later though, Em. Every step we've taken thus far has been because it's what I wanted to happen. You have been patient and caring and present. Sure, I like her. I like being around her. And she's great, but I love you. Well, we're working up to that. But I know what loving you is like. No other feeling in the world compares. So you don't need to worry about it. I should be a fairly simple conversation."

"I understand. Just don't underestimate your feelings or hers. Like I just said, I understand, Ali. I understand it all."

* * *

"Let me guess, this is some 'it's not you; it's me' bullshit?" Cassandra sat in front of Alison at their usual café in town talking over their coffees and avocado toast.

"It's not bullshit if it's the truth, Cass. I owe it to my daughter to figure out if this is something worth pursuing again."

She sighed, "Look, I get it. Emily is stunning and you have a family that you're trying to keep together. I won't get in the way of that. I just – Damn. You just really had me out here dreaming of what we could be, Ali."

"This outcome wasn't my intention. I wanted to pursue this, but I can't walk away from my wife. And I know how it looks, but at no point was I leading you on."

Cassandra wiped her hands over her face exasperatedly, "So she just came over, said that she no longer wanted a divorce, and you fell right back into everything."

"Not exactly."

"I don't know the ins and outs of everything that happened between you guys, Alison. But you can see why I'm not in the best place hearing this."

"Of course, I can. It's just with our pasts and being friends for so long… not giving it a shot demolishes so much of a life that I have spent decades building."

Cassie nodded looking away from the conversation, obviously seeking an escape. "I've been broken up with before, Alison. I just really believed your bullshit, you know?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The whole 'maybe the air changed because the universe knew you were headed my way' line."

"That wasn't bullshit! Talking with you that day, I mean, every time we have talked has made the past few weeks so much more manageable. You helped me process how I was thinking and feeling during a difficult time. When we first met, I thought maybe it was something more, but there's a chance that having someone the past few weeks is exactly – "

"What you needed? Great. So happy to have developed a purely asymbiotic relationship. It's fine; I was naïve to think that the first person I was interested in since my ex would actually manifest into anything."

"Cassie, I'm so sorry. I've loved getting to know you and I'd love to remain friends if that – "

"There's no need for us to be friends."

"I was just trying to make sure you knew –"

"It's okay, Alison. I promise. I'm a big girl." She stood suddenly, adjusting her coat, causing Alison to follow uncomfortably. Cassandra turned away briefly before catching herself, "You know, I would really hate myself if I never just – "

She was caught off-guard. Eyes still toward the ground waiting for her to walk away. And so before Alison could take a step backward, Cassie had stepped back toward her, placing her right hand on Alison's cheek as she kissed her lips gently. Alison's eyes instinctually opened as she turned her face to the right as soon as she processed what was happening.

"Sorry… I can't."

"Yep. Got it." Cassie held her hands up as she walked away. She looked over her shoulder one last time as she opened the front door, "Bye, Ali. Good luck." She whispered as Alison's head fell once again.

* * *

Thoughts flooded Alison as she took the bus back home. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to reciprocate; it was that she was automatically hit with the fact the every part of her was already taken. She had nothing left to give to someone else because she had given it to Emily so long before. Despite leaving the conversation feeling relatively empty, her reflection smiled into the large back left window she was sitting by. For as confused and hurt as she had made Cassie, with every word Alison spoke, the more confident she was that she was doing the right thing. Alison jogged from the bus stop back to her home as she threw open the door to find Emily sitting on the couch playing with their daughter.

"What the fuck?!" Emily jumped as the door swung open, hitting the door stop aggressively as Alison stood there smiling. Olivia jumped as well breaking into a small cry before seeing her mother at the door.

"Oh, Livvy. I'm sorry." Alison exclaimed, picking up her daughter to console her, "Well, I kind of fucked this up. I was used to only doing this before we had kids."

Emily stood up concerned, "Are you okay? Did everything go okay with Cassie?"

"More than okay, Em." Alison reassured, reaching out her hand to Emily's. "In fact. Liv? Your mommy and I love you so much, but can you sit here just one second while I – " And as Alison set their daughter down on the couch in front of them, she moved the hand once holding Emily's hand up to her wife's waist. "Thank you again for getting rid of our bed. I was thinking about it coming home and I don't think I let you know how much it really meant that you thought about doing that." Emily looked at her confused as Alison brought her in for a tender kiss, "Is that okay?" Alison asked, sending a laugh through Emily.

"That's more than okay…" Emily replied, closing her hand like they had practiced the night before, before wrapping her arm around Alison's waist. "Is that okay?"

"I think we can make that work." Alison bit her lip as she pulled Emily back into her. More aggressive than the night before, Alison kept her bottom lip lightly pouted, allowing Emily to nip delicately at her wife as they kissed.

Emily traced her left hand down to connect with Alison's right as she more forcefully began leading Alison toward the wall by their front door. The arm once around Alison's waist used as a feeler to determine when they reached the wall, now held Alison against it as Emily began kissing up Alison's neck once more. Alison found comfort for the first time in leading Emily's hand toward her hip for her palm to grasp her flesh as she gave into the lingering temptation that had been in front of her for not only half a week but the months before they gave in as well. But as Emily was distracted, Alison's eyes shot open at the repeated buzzing from Emily's phone on the coffee table.

"Em?" she whispered, "Someone's calling you, babe."

Out of breath, Emily struggled getting her words out, "Alison, it's just a phone call. Please don't tell me you want me to stop to check my damn phone."

"No. Not at all…" Alison shook her head before reclosing her eyes and slinking her fingers through Emily's flowing locks.

And despite the phone continuing to buzz, they both ignored what they believed to be a phone call as best as they could. Little did they know that the repeated and incessant buzzing wasn't a phone call at all, but instead, a barrage of text messages over a period of minutes that marked the beginning of an entirely new concern.

**Emily? You there?**

**It's me.**

**We need to talk. I get that we moved too quickly and that I was being negative about Alison, but after taking time to reconsider, I'm willing to move forward and figure this out.**

**And I know you're concerned that I'm mad at you for giving the ring back, but I understand, babe. We can work it out.**

**I saw your car at Alison's the past few days and I'm sure that you two are trying to figure all of this divorce stuff out. So just reach back out to me once that maybe feels more settled for you.**

**I miss seeing you and your mom and Liv. I miss feeling you wrapped around me. I miss the way you turned me on every time I saw you. I miss you. I miss us. Just text me back, okay?**

**Emily? Why aren't you texting me back? I don't get what I did to deserve the silent treatment. I've been nothing but supportive and there for you and all you have to say in return is NOTHING!**

**EMILY. CATHERINE. WHAT THE FUCK?**

**Hello? Are you there? What the fuck are you doing that is keeping you from your phone? Are you with that whore?**

**Okay. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. I just want to talk this out. We can make this work. Whatever you need from me. I'll make it happen.**

**Don't make me look crazy, Em. Text me back when you can. I'm turning my phone off, okay? You can text me back whenever. It's okay. I'm okay.**

**Just. Text. Me. Back.**

**Please.**

**I love you, Em.**

**Oh sorry, if you didn't know, it's Maya.  
**

* * *

**A/N: If not clear, all of the bold text above is separate text messages. I couldn't get the spacing I wanted exactly right, so if anyone has any tips let me know. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry for the delay. Next chapter out Thursday!  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	26. Desirable

Alison didn't know that the air had shifted around them. That a subtle but undeniable alteration in their lives had been introduced. Once again without her permission or knowledge, Maya had found a way to demolish their progress as a couple in a matter of what felt like seconds of their intended eternity.

After their brief make out session, Alison trotted upstairs in a daze to change out of her clothes and into something more comfortable. She felt dizzy, but in the sense that her world seemed to no longer fit the mold she had created after returning home. The separated future she foresaw between her and Emily shifted just enough to make her shaken. More than dizziness, Alison felt elation that distinct and palpable progress was happening before her eyes. It was a feeling that made her want to keep Emily there, in their home. It made Alison want to see what would happen if she gave in, threw her fictional manual out the window and embraced the fact that Emily was hers again.

She walked down the stairs after changing with a permanently goofy smile tracing her lips, wanting to feel Emily in her arms once more before having to be separated for at least the night. But as her hand trailed down their railing to the bottom floor, she could hear Emily talking in the kitchen causing her to pause. Her shoes were back on, leading to an apparent pacing back and forth being audible. Olivia wasn't on the couch, meaning that she could only be wrapped in her wife's arms. Most worrisome though was the tone in Emily's voice. It was lightly frantic but laced with anger and confusion. Alison sunk to sit on one of the top steps as she attempted to listen in on whatever had caused her wife to have such a sudden shift in mood.

"No, of course, this hasn't happened before. I just – " she sighed, "I don't know what to do. It seemed like she was really going through it."

A long pause filled the bottom floor before Emily spoke again.

"Spencer, I don't know how to describe it. It immediately worried me though. Like, I think she knows I'm here at Alison's?... No, no. I know what you're saying but she's never been violent before with me."

Alison stood up at those words. She didn't know the full context, but any indication of harm toward her, her wife, or their daughter would come with swift repercussions from one Alison DiLaurentis. She rushed down the stairs as quickly as she could and bounded around the corner. Emily was turning back around from her pacing just as Alison looped into the kitchen, causing her to jump at the sight of her wife.

"Jesus Christ, Ali. You've gotta warn a girl. No, Spence, it's just Al… Yeah, I will. I needed your advice on this first though. So, I really don't have enough to file? No, she didn't threaten us. It's like a screw is loose maybe?" Emily looked up as Spencer began speaking back. She whispered for Alison to take Olivia before passing her off.

"What's Mommy talking about in there, Squirt? Can you give me any details?" Alison wrapped their daughter's minuscule hand around her pointer finger as they walked over to the couch.

And just as Olivia had done less than two months earlier without prompting, she replied, "My-yah."

"Mama?" Alison pointed to herself as Olivia shook her head 'No.'

"My-yah." She repeated before pointing down the hallway that led toward Alison and Emily's bedroom.

Shivers ran down Alison's spine as she held onto her daughter just a little more tightly, unsure if it was fear of the conversation Emily was having or the fact that even their daughter associated Maya with a bedroom that was meant to be reserved for Emily and Alison alone. Olivia noticed the worry covering her mother's face and gently rested her right hand against Alison's jaw to comfort her.

"Okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Yeah, sweetheart. Of course. Stay right here while I set up your gates so that you can play while your mom and I talk in just a minute, okay?" Alison kissed Olivia's forehead before placing her severely cowlicked and curly dark haired daughter on the sofa behind her as she set up Olivia's play area. Her thoughts faded into the recesses of her mind as Alison's thoughts raced, wondering why Emily was talking to Spencer about Maya.

This wondering manifested into obsessive concern. Concern which drowned out her wife's voice attempting to get her attention behind her.

"Alison… Al… Ali… Babe?" Emily stopped, crossing one arm around her waist before tucking some of her hair behind her ear and then raising her voice once more, "ALISON!"

Alison jumped, turning around to find Emily no more than two feet from her, "God, I'm sorry. I'm just – I figured we'd need to talk, so I decided to set up Liv's pen."

"Yeah, okay. Good thinking. I don't –" It's all Emily could get out before her emotions overtook her words. She stopped to try and catch her breath which caused tears to build up along the bottom of her eyes and a small crack in her voice to escape her lips.

"Oh, it's okay, Em. Come on. Let's sit." Alison comforted her wife, leading her to the couch before bringing Olivia over to play. "Hey, Livvy? Can you color me a picture or build me a cute house? We're gonna be right here." Alison turned back around to find Emily scrolling through her phone. She looked nauseous. "Is it okay for me to sit next to you?"

Emily looked up, concerned, "Yeah, of course. Ugh. I bet I have you worried sick. Come here, please." Alison sat directly to Emily's right, leading Emily to wrap her arm around her wife, "We're perfectly okay. I just didn't realize that the… umm... the buzzing you heard earlier wasn't someone calling after all. I think that the best course of action might just be for you to read these messages. But we have to talk it out afterwards, okay? You can't pull an Alison and immediately jump into action."

Alison scoffed as Emily passed her phone, "Pulling an Alison, eh?" Despite her originally joking demeanor, her grin slowly morphed into a grimace as her eyes glanced over each passing message.

**Emily? You there?**

**It's me.**

**We need to talk. I get that we moved too quickly and that I was being negative about Alison, but after taking time to reconsider, I'm willing to move forward and figure this out.**

**And I know you're concerned that I'm mad at you for giving the ring back, but I understand, babe. We can work it out.**

"Work it out? Em, what the fuck is she talking about? Is she delusional?"

"Alison –"

"Right. Right. Moving on."

**I saw your car at Alison's the past few days and I'm sure that you two are trying to figure all of this divorce stuff out. So just reach back out to me once that maybe feels more settled for you.**

"Has she been here, Emily? More settled? Does she think we're still getting a divorce?"

"I don't… I don't know, babe."

**I miss seeing you and your mom and Liv. I miss feeling you wrapped around me. I miss the way you turned me on every time I saw you. I miss you. I miss us. Just text me back, okay?**

**Emily? Why aren't you texting me back? I don't get what I did to deserve the silent treatment. I've been nothing but supportive and there for you and all you have to say in return is NOTHING!**

**EMILY. CATHERINE. WHAT THE FUCK?**

**Hello? Are you there? What the fuck are you doing that is keeping you from your phone? Are you with that whore?**

Alison gulped, attempting to keep her composure as she continued to scroll.

**Okay. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. I just want to talk this out. We can make this work. Whatever you need from me. I'll make it happen.**

**Don't make me look crazy, Em. Text me back when you can. I'm turning my phone off, okay? You can text me back whenever. It's okay. I'm okay.**

**Just. Text. Me. Back.**

**Please.**

**I love you, Em.**

**Oh sorry, if you didn't know, it's Maya.**

Reading the last words, Alison tossed Emily's phone on the couch next to them. "This is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. Does she think that she can just waltz in here and act like –"

"Alison, please pause. For a minute, we have to talk about this."

"About what? That someone is threatening us?"

"There is no threat in those messages… at least that's what Spencer said. But we have to discuss this. We have to – "

Alison crossed her arms over her chest, "Okay, where should we start?"

"I mean, I'm just as confused as you are about what could even provoke these messages. I thought that things between us were settled. I thought she knew where I stood."

"Em, I'm not trying to come off like a total bitch here, but your version of being a clear communicator isn't always great. Based on what I just read, she gets where you stood the last time you two spoke. But does she know where we stand? Or even basic principles of separating in a relationship because she sure as hell shouldn't be driving past my home, Emily."

"I don't know..."

"I fucking hate that answer." Alison stood up in a huff, realizing that when it came to Maya, Emily simply never knew.

"What else am I supposed to say, Al?" Emily stood following her wife's pacing, "I don't fucking know! I broke up with her. I gave back the ring. I said everything that I could think of to end it. I don't know what else I – "

Alison turned around, placing her hand on Emily's chest, "Wait. Go back. You said what?"

"Everything I could think of to end it?"

"Mhm-hmm. Break that down for me. What does that mean?"

"Well, she was like… sharp?"

"Sharp? That's not a word you use to describe a person, babe. Do you mean angry or quick-witted? What are you talking about?"

"She was angry, yeah. It wasn't a great break up. And because of how tense it was, I just kept saying everything I could think of to leave."

"Emily, what the fuck are you talking about? The things you are saying don't make sense." Alison sighed in frustration, walking back over to sit on the couch, "Can you do me a favor? Talk me through what happened that day."

Emily sighed, closing her eyes for an extended amount of time before starting from the first place she could remember.

* * *

_Even the way Emily knocked on the door felt distant, like it had been hallowed out to resemble the emptiness protruding from Emily's desperately gasping chest. Fear was an emotion Emily rarely felt. Anxiety, sure. Reluctantcy, of course. But fear meant the intrusion of an outside force. It meant that a part of Emily's life was completely out of her control. It was a position she had refused herself to be in again following the death of her father. But in those deafening seconds before Maya opened the door, all Emily felt coursing through her body was blood boiling fear._

_Maya began speaking before she had even opened the door, realizing her fiancée was on the other side of her peephole, "Em? Babe, what are you doing here? Is everything –" The door swung open, " – okay?"_

_She reached forward to usher Emily inside, wrapping her arms around Emily's taller and fuller figured physique. Emily didn't know how to respond. She opted to not fully hug the woman in front of her, instead choosing to cling to Maya's sides without enveloping her. It made Maya question her immediately._

_Keeping ahold of her forearms, Maya leaned backward to continue her questioning, "So what's going on, Em? Did something happen before your proceedings next week?"_

_"Nothing in particular…" Emily's voice faded as she walked toward Maya's kitchen, letting go of the objects in her hand and having them produce an all too familiar clank on the counter._

_"Wait. Why didn't you open the door with your k –" There was a recognition of betrayal in Maya's voice as she watched Emily remove her hand to reveal her key and engagement ring on the counter._

_"My. I can't do this." Emily spoke toward the kitchen backsplash, not wanting to turn around and face her._

_Maya immediately reached for a wall to steady herself. "Can't do what exactly, Emily?"_

_"We can't get married, Maya. Not now, not ever." She finally gained to courage to turn around as Maya was gripping the wall for continued stability._

_"Is this about Alison?" Her voice was shaking and for the first time in the years that Emily had known her, she saw that Maya was scared. Of what, she wasn't sure._

_Emily walked to sit at the kitchen table in her nook, trying to process through all of the prepared statements she had practiced in the days prior. "No, My. This is about us, or the lack of us that we've had recently. Every argument or discussion we have comes back to me doing something wrong and the more that I think about it, the less I think I've done anything wrong in this relationship. I've known where I've stood ever since Alison got home, but you constantly question that. I can't live with thinking I've done something wrong in our relationship when all I've done is protect you."_

_Maya walked over to copy Emily's movements, but as she began sitting down, Emily noticed her facial expression begin to shift. The wide-eyed pent up fear moved to a narrowed-eyed expressive contempt. One corner of her mouth barely raised in a smugness that Emily couldn't quite place. She sat down staring at Emily. Unmoving and silent._

_So Emily continued, "This isn't how I saw this ending at all, Maya, but if I'm actually going to practice what I preach. If I'm actually going to move forward, I have to do that with my whole self and when I'm with you, I hide parts of myself. Parts of my past. So I have to let go, even though this will be so, so hard for me."_

_Maya reached for Emily's hand as if she was trying to empathize, but the words that left her lips were contradictory to her actions, "Yeah, I'm sure now you're going to feel real sorry for yourself. That's exactly the role you've always wanted to play. The remorseful ex-lover."_

_"What?" Emily hesitantly raised her eyes up at the hurting human in front of her. "Why would you say that? The role I want to play? Maya, where is this coming from?"_

_But she didn't answer Emily's question, "I can't say that I am actually surprised. When I talked to your mom last week, she was talking about how worried she was that you were going to do something rash during the course of these divorce proceedings. I just didn't think it was going to be this. After all I've helped you through…"_

_"You talked to my mom?" Emily shook out her head, "Look, Maya. I'm not here to have a conversation about it. We've been talking about Christmas and everything that followed for over a month and a half, and we've gotten nowhere. We've had all the time in the world to talk about it. I just, I need to move forward. I need to make myself whole."_

_"And I don't do that?"_

_"Of course you do. You brought me back from a dark place exactly when I needed it, but I need to learn to get out of those dark places alone." Emily stood, wiping her sweating palms on her thighs. "It's nothing against you, Maya. I promise."_

_"I just can't believe that out of all the things you could do to move forward that you're cutting off the one person who was there for you through all of this. You know your mom sides with Alison, right? You know that she thinks that you didn't respect her or your relationship? That in slapping Alison in the face with your actions that you set your own mother up for failure. Of course, it's not alarming that you wouldn't consider that even your own mother is against you. You rarely think of anyone other than yourself –"_

_"Stop it!" Emily's hand hit the table top. Maya didn't flinch. "I'm not doing this with you. I didn't want to have an argument. I'm so sorry. There's nothing more to it than wanting to move forward. I'm sorry that you're no longer a part of that for me, but that doesn't mean that I don't realize that I'm alone in this, My. I know that you have been there for me… That's what makes this so hard. Don't make it harder." Emily wiped faint tears from the corner of her eyes._

_"Sure, okay. Go ahead and leave. Good luck with Olivia and raising her with the Wicked Witch of the West. Good luck moving forward without an ounce of support from those around you. I knew that you would only break my heart. Such a fucking joke. You're such a fucking joke, Emily. You need help. You know that, right? You need to learn how to put someone else fucking first for once. So selfish. Can't wait to be better off without you." Maya continued mumbling as Emily gathered her things from the kitchen. Jab after jab being thrown her way._

_"I'm sure you will be better off, My. Please just respect me wanting to start over and move forward. For myself. I'm sorry." Emily opened the door, before looking back at Maya, who still sat at the nook, seething. "Bye, Maya."_

_"Good luck moving forward, Emily. You can't start over if you're still you."_

* * *

When Emily opened back up her eyes from looking away from her wife's stare, she saw Alison physically holding her mouth together with her teeth to stop herself from breaking into a fit.

"I can't… No, wait. First, I just –" Alison pressed her hands on the back side of her scalp flattening her hair to calm herself down as tears escaped her eyes in anger. "Em, I'm angry right now, okay? But any anger that comes out right now is not directed to you at all. I have feelings of anger toward this situation but not toward you. Does that make sense?" Emily nodded. "Anger management is helping out in some ways after all, I guess. But Emily, you do see how you were manipulated during that breakup, right?"

"No? I went in there and accomplished exactly what I wanted to."

"I get that. But I need you to look at the words she said to you, babe. You did a great job and were so, so brave, but she was gaslighting you. I didn't know it had gotten that bad. I figured that after high school, her insane behavior had simmered down a bit. But Em, she obviously had no intention of letting you go."

"How do you know?"

"All she did during that conversation was take you down at the knees, so that you think she would be the only person you have to turn to if things got too hard. You're not alone in this, Em. Your mom, your friends, me. We're all here. You're not a joke. You're doing what you thought was best for you and our daughter. I don't know where in the world she gets the fucking gall to –" Alison stopped again to take a deep breath. "I'm not trying to make you fearful at all, Em. But, I think you're extremely lucky that she didn't further force you to stay."

"What do you mean? Alison, I don't know what idea you have of Maya, but she's never been forceful physically. I mean, she's never hit me or been abusive in any way."

"Maybe we have different ideas of what verbal abuse looks like, sweetheart, but what you just told me she said to you is never and will never be okay. And I am so thankful that she's never been physical with you, but back in high school, my last conversation with her ended with a pretty hefty slap that sent me into some waiting room chairs…"

"Ali?"

"Yeah, I get it. You have every right to be upset with me not telling you, but Wayne – sorry, your dad was dying, Em. And she never reached out again to you after we talked, so there was no need for me to bring it up. I didn't really even think about it again until she snapped at me at Christmas."

"Well that at least explains why you both entered that conversation with daggers in your eyes. I'm sorry that ever happened to you, Al."

"It's not that big of a deal. She deserved every fucking word I said to her…"

* * *

_Stagnant. It was the only way to describe the feel of the air in and around Rosewood Memorial Hospital. Alison had grown to spend every afternoon in the waiting room so that Emily would have someone to turn to if she needed it. But today was a Thursday and on Thursdays and Saturdays, Alison packed up an overnight bag to spend the night. The girls alternated so that if Emily or Pam ever needed to go home to rest or shower or take care of the hundreds of things they were neglecting that they would know someone who loved Mr. Fields was by his side, too._

_This particular afternoon, Spencer had come by as well which was a welcomed surprise to Alison, who enjoyed having someone to speak to rather than sitting alone with her thoughts, unless Emily came out to join her before night fall. And along with the girls, Maya St. Germain continued to rear her ugly head. Alison treated her with kid gloves, always thinking through what she wanted to do or say around her multiple times before taking action. Maya reminded her of her father. Someone who only displayed love when they needed something in return. A withholding glare forever plastered onto their face so that no one ever knew where they stood. It was a balancing act for everyone they were around, and Alison had spent 16 long years learning how to appear wavering and weak in front of them, but in reality knowing their next move inside and out._

_Even from far away as one of Emily's best friends, Alison knew that she needed someone far different from Maya to keep her happy in life. Emily needed someone reliable, willing to stand up for what was right no matter the cost, and dedicated to her every desire in life. Emily needed someone like Alison. Well, not Alison exactly, but someone similar._

_Alison shuddered her shoulders, shaking the thought away and pulling out her crossword puzzle, as she attempted to finish her second "Hard" puzzle of the week. Not long after, as she and Spencer sat in silence, they heard harsh whispers coming from the hallway headed toward Mr. Fields' room. Emily's voice was unmistakable, so they listened in._

_"What are you saying? You're not making any sense."_

_"I'm not making sense? Emily, I've been here for over an hour, and you've ignored me."_

_"The nurse just left, Maya! I was getting updates. What about that don't you get?"_

_"It's like you don't see all of the sacrifices everyone around you is making. Even Alison and Spencer are in the lobby right now supporting you, and they don't get a moment of your time."_

_"My days here are busy. I'm not trying to ignore anyone… I'm just trying to take care of my dad." Alison could hear Emily's voice cracking. "There's no way to do this the right way. I'm going to let someone down. Always."_

_"Well, I'm taking myself out of the equation, Em. I'm sick and tired for not being recognized for the sacrifices I've made. The rest of your minions can take care of it." The sound of Maya's kitten heels echoed down the hall._

_"My? Don't leave right now. We need to talk about this. Of course I recognize you being here for me and my family. If I haven't been vocal about it, I'm sorry. But don't leave me. Please don't leave."_

_"It's too late, Emily. Don't call me. Please, it'd be too hard on me." Maya kept walking as Alison watched Emily crumble to the ground._

_Maya looked smug as she flicked the one lone tear falling down her face off with her finger. In the same breath, she wiped her hair from her face as she entered the waiting room, staring down Spencer and Alison while walking for the door. Not realizing that as soon as she passed, Spencer ran toward Emily, and Alison turned around to speak._

_"I don't know who the fuck you think you are or why you are enjoying destroying my friend. But the next time you attempt to, make sure you keep my fucking name out of your mouth."_

_Alison said it without thinking. It was a jab that hit 16 year old Maya St. Germain right in the face._

_"Or what?" she turned around, tucking her hands into her pockets just waiting to see what Alison might come up with next._

_"You don't fuck with Emily. Do you understand me? She's a fucking human being with more empathy and respect for your ass than you've ever given her."_

_Maya took a step forward, "You talk like you know something about her I don't. Like she hasn't given me every part of herself. Like she hasn't told me she loves me. Like I don't hold her every emotion in the palm of my hand."_

_"She's not your plaything."_

_Maya's eyes had been tracing the floor as she walked within 3 feet of Alison. But as she continued, she lifted her head, smirking from ear to ear, "That's rich. As if you don't want to make her yours." Alison attempted to speak, "Mmm. Cat got your tongue? You think I don't see the way you look at her? You think that no one else around you doesn't see the way you drool to follow her every command. It's pretty fucking sick if you ask me. I bet that shit hurts though, Al. I can empathize. Knowing that someone you love will never love you the same in return." Maya put one hand over her heart. "My heart goes out to you. The closet is a lonely place to be."_

_"You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Emily's my friend." Alison cleared the gulp from her throat. "I heard everything you said. You're heartless."_

_"I'd rather be heartless than a callous insufferable bitch whose friends are only around because they fear you." Alison stepped backwards. "Oh, did that hurt? I'm so sorry. Not my intention." She laughed as she took another step forward._

_"Don't take another step. You need to leave."_

_"Once again… or what?"_

_Without thinking, Alison stepped forward and spat at Maya's feet. "You're fucking disgusting, Maya,", she smiled, before turning around to walk toward Emily's father's room._

_In the split second she turned her body though, Maya reached forward, grabbing Alison's curled ponytail backward. Alison's body snapped the opposite direction as Maya spun Alison around, before giving an open-handed slap across Alison's right cheek. The force of Alison's spin combined with the blow sent Alison falling toward the ground and into the chair she had previously been sitting in, smacking her face against the arm rest._

_Alison looked up from semi-closed eyes waiting for another smack. But instead, Maya stood above her waiting to make eye contact. "Same goes for you, bitch. Keep my fucking name out of your mouth, too. And I'll be sure to never think of you or that skank ever again."_

* * *

Alison shook out her shoulders as she finished reliving one of the last times she really felt every part of herself lose control. But as she looked over at her wife, she knew that this review of history had hit her harder.

"You okay, baby?"

"Yep." Emily sat forward on the couch with her shoulders over her knees as she stared aimlessly in front of her. "If you had told me that story 10 years ago, I never would have given her the time of day last year."

Alison placed her hand on Emily's upper back, "I get that, but I didn't. I didn't want to hurt you back then when you had already lost so much. And after that, there was never a good time."

"I'm not mad at you. But you do see that we didn't have to be here now, Ali?" Her voice was hollow, as if the wind had been knocked out of her so many times that Emily no longer had to will to allow herself to take another breath. "What the fuck do we do?"

"Well, she may not be the most stable atom in the bunch, but she's never threatened you or Olivia. We just need to figure out the best way to diffuse her."

"Yeah… I can set up an conversation."

Alison laughed next to Emily before reaching over to old her wife's hand, "Trust me on this one, babe. We'll all be much better off if this stays between me and her. I'm who she has an issue with, not you."

As Alison's hand tightened around Emily's, she realized that Alison was right. She had been manipulated off and on for over a decade. The only way to get a message through to Maya at this point was through Alison. Because even though Maya carried herself as this stronger than steel badass, only Emily really knew how fucking terrified she was of Alison DiLaurentis.

* * *

**A/N: Welp. There are 4 chapters and an epilogue remaining. I really hope you all are enjoying the story so far. Thanks again for your support. It means so, so much.  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**See you in the next one,**

**secretpen28**


	27. A Wanton Promise

Though Alison had reached out to Maya the same day, it took nearly a week for Alison to hear a reply. Over that same time period though, Emily continued receiving text after text and calls multiple times a day. Most of them weren't concerning in the slightest and just contained Maya's usual manipulative technique. But every now and then, Maya would become irate again at Emily's lack of reply. After realizing that Emily wasn't going to reply until she in turn replied to Alison, a text with a simple time and place buzzed through on Alison's phone.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me…" Alison muttered as she picked up her phone from the nightstand.

Hearing Emily grumble behind her, Alison turned over to stare at her wife, who was still pleasantly asleep beside her. She sighed looking at the small peeks of skin Alison could see entangled in their comforter. Despite what it looked like, Alison still struggled imagining being intimate with Emily again. Part of her craved her touched, while the other part recoiled at the thought. Since getting a new bed for their master bedroom though, they both had decided a few days earlier that the best way to attempt to build intimacy was to sleep side by side. It didn't take much convincing after receiving Maya's first set of texts to realize that living under the same roof made more sense than being separate, which pushed along their reunion much quicker than either had anticipated. But just as it was before their untimely separation, as Alison looked over at her wife, she didn't have it in her to wake her up before Olivia had even begun to budge. So Alison turned back over to delay the crushing inevitable.

As Alison began spinning back to face her nightstand though, Emily slowly began waking up as well. Her eyes fluttered awake as she reacquainted herself with being by Alison's side. A smile crept across her lips as she brushed the lightly tangled hair away from her eyes to get a better view of her wife's back. Even in her black tank top, Emily lived for the moments she could spend tracing her eyes over the intricate patterns made by the freckles etching Alison's skin. The way they powdered across the nape of her neck and cascaded over her shoulder blades in a stray yet ubiquitous pattern urged Emily to have her fingers linger over what she once knew intimately. She shook off the impulse as she turned on her side before coughing lightly in hopes it may wake Alison up from her slumber.

Alison's hand subconsciously reached behind her until their fingers intertwined. "Good morning." Emily smiled as she lifted her hand up to kiss the back of Alison's hand tenderly.

"Hey…" Alison turned over slyly, hoping to hide the news in her text message for as long as possible.

But as soon as their eyes met, Emily could tell Alison was already struggling through the day, "What happened to you this morning, Grumpy Gills?" She smiled sheepishly, reaching over to tap Alison's nose with her finger.

Alison's eyes fluttered at how adorable Emily already looked this morning, "I know that this is your tactic for helping Liv after her naps, but I'm kind of in a different boat over here, babe."

"Yeah, okay…" Emily scooted over until they were about a foot apart still on their pillows, "Tell me what's up."

"I just – my mind is racing this morning with so many things. I woke up like 20 minutes ago and can't turn everything off. Maya finally texted back."

"She did? What did she say? Are you okay?" Emily immediately sat up from the bed to wrap Alison's hands in hers with urgency laced in her voice.

"Yeah, yeah. There's a reason she didn't text back for so long though… she wants us to meet on Saturday."

"Okay, I can take Liv for the day. That's not a big deal."

"… at Liam's memorial."

"That fucking bit –" Emily's body inadvertently began spinning off the side of the bed as though she wanted to find Maya wherever she was immediately.

"Em! Emmy! Back at me, please." Alison latched onto Emily's t-shirt, catching her moments before launching after her ex. "Look, you're adorable when you're protective, but I just need help working through it. I've never been there before, not really, you know. And I know that she did this to throw me off my game, but I don't want her to be right."

"We can change it. Let me call her." Emily turned back desperately, wanting to help in some way.

"Babe, lay back down. Listen." She waited until Emily followed instruction and curled back into herself. Alison dropped her voice to continue the conversation calmly. "She wants you to call her. She wants to rattle me. She wants to rattle us. We can't cave to her, Em." Alison placed her hand on Emily's cheek to wipe her hair from her eyes. "We're going to be okay. I don't need you to protect me in this. I just need you. Here. With me. Like this. I just need you to help me figure out how to make it through Saturday."

Emily leaned forward, tucking her finger under Alison's chin for a kiss. Emily sighed into her lips, hoping that just her touch would influence Alison's capacity to make it through. Alison allowed her body to relax under her touch, moving her hand from Emily's face to her hip. Clutching the curve of her waist, Alison traced her finger along the dimple in her wife's back. It was fascinating to her how easily they had the capacity to melt back together, as though there was no pause. As if all Emily knew how to do was please her wife. As if Emily's embrace had been reserved for her all along.

"Does that help at all?" Emily asked, pulling away with a grin.

Alison laughed, "It doesn't hurt." For as good as she felt in Emily's arms, she knew their conversation was far from over. "But I have something else on my mind too, Em."

"Of course. I'm here." Emily exhaled, wrapping her arm around her wife's shoulder to pull her into her chest.

Alison readjusted herself to be comfortable, allowing her hand to rest gently on Emily's stomach, "I don't want this to come off as seeming stupid or anything, so I want to make sure I'm saying this the right way. Going to Liam's memorial sucks and is so petty and intentional from her, but – and I know we've already discussed this a bit – but I'm still unsettled by the fact that she will always be your first love."

"Al –"

"No, let me finish. Because we talked about this when we were dating, Emily." Alison voice rose to display a light harshness in the crook of her words. "When I was falling in love with you without warning and without ever having experienced it before. And I was scared that with the multiple people you had dated previously, that loving me wouldn't be unique. As though loving people was the same for each person. Do you remember?"

Emily kissed the top of Alison's head, knowing what was happening, "Yeah. I do, sweetheart."

"So then you remember what you said?"

"I told you not to worry." Emily closed her eyes, the echo of her words from over half a decade earlier coming back to haunt her.

"You told me that you and your ex's were completely over. That no one loves different people the same way. That you loved Paige like only a confused teenager could. That you loved that girl from study abroad like only an inquiring backpacker could. That you loved Maya like a scared and lonely high schooler – "

"I told you that I loved her without understanding how my words and feelings and actions could impact others. Or how in turn, their words, feelings, and actions could impact me."

"Exactly. You told me that I never needed to worry about being fearful because you loved me so differently. You called it – "

"All-consuming… I remember." Emily inhaled unsteadily, causing her chest to shake. Alison looked up and placed a singular kiss on Emily's jaw.

"You know where this is going, don't you?" Alison asked as Emily nodded against her, tucking her fingers further around Alison's upper arm. Clinging to this moment in attempts to escape from the conversation Alison was retelling. "You called our love all-consuming. You said that it took you over from head to toe. That no matter where you were or what you were doing, that your love for me was forever in the back of your mind. You said that even though Maya was your first love and would always be special that it was nowhere near your best love. You told me that night that I was your best love, Emily. That for as important as Maya and Paige and everyone else you dated were to shaping who you are, that –"

"The way I loved you was more than that. That all I had with them was the past, but that you were my future."

Alison wrapped one of her feet toward the inside of Emily's right ankle, her thumb continue to brush just below Emily's breasts. "I told you I loved you for the first time that night, Em. We made love for the first time that night. And then looking back, it was a fucking lie." Alison's voice wasn't harsh or resentful or angry. She knew that she was being factual and so her voice remained steady and calm.

"It wasn't a lie, Ali." Emily spoke as earnestly as she could.

"Then what was it? Because what you had with Maya obviously wasn't in the past, and I wasn't enough of your future to prevent that. You knew it was an insecurity of mine and yet, the first moment you could, you went backward."

"Alison, this situation wouldn't be any better if I came home and was dating someone you didn't know. You have every right to be pissed, but me dating Maya had so little to do with the conversation we had years earlier."

"But you had to have thought about it, Emily. You had to have realized the first time you fucked. The first time you retold her that you loved her. The moment she stepped foot into this home. You had to have thought about that conversation."

Silence filled the space once again as Emily grasped for the right words to say. But Alison gathered the courage first.

"You had to have thought about me. That's all I want to know. You had to have thought about me." Her voice cracked for the first time since they had started talking. It was the first moment of weakness Emily could sense. All Alison wanted was to be wanted. To be desired. To be loved. To be needed. To never be forgotten.

"Yeah. Always, Al."

"Then, what the fuck? How am I supposed to face someone in your defense, in defense of our relationship when the forever thought of me in the back of your mind didn't fucking prevent you from going back to her."

"Because I was the same little girl, Alison… When you left, when we separated, when I was alone. I was a different person. I wasn't the woman you fell in love with. I wasn't your wife. I wasn't Emily. I was back to being the same scared and lonely 15 year old that was taken advantage of and manipulated. I was a shell of the woman you made me. I don't know how to earn back everything I took away from you. But I wasn't lying back then, and I'm not lying now. Of course, I never forgot about you or the words we shared or the love we made. I – I mean, you have forever been all-consuming, Alison. I spent years of my life consumed by you." Emily's voice trembled behind Alison. Tears building in her eyes streamed down in a loss of control. Emily inhaled again to keep it together, which only caused more tears to escape as she continued. "You have been etched into me since the day we met. Fuck Al, I have never been me without you. I had never been seen or heard or touched until I found you. Until you found me for the first time. I don't know how to describe it."

"Take your time." Alison said passively. She wasn't letting Emily get out of saying all she needed to.

"What was I supposed to do in a world with nothing when you are my everything? How was I supposed to take a step forward when my entire purpose for living was behind me? It's no one's fault. I know that. But for as shitty as everything you went through was… you left me. And it wasn't your choice or your desire for us, but I went from the top of the world with you to feeling like the entire fucking world was on top of me. And so yeah, I reverted backward. I went back to what was comfortable before all of this mess occurred. I fucked up. I destroyed your trust and the entire framework our relationship was based on. But I want you to know that I'm coming back to who I was when we initially had that conversation. I'm coming out of this with a new-found look on life. I just – " Emily stopped to take a breath. From Alison's position, she could feel her wife's heart racing. She could tell that Emily was attempting to keep it together, so she stayed silent. She let Emily gather her thoughts. "You'll always consume me, Ali. I don't know what else I can say, except that even lying here, you fill me with extraordinary amounts of hope for my future. You love me profoundly without even trying. You give me a glimpse of what I was missing the first 21 years of my fucking life and what I've been searching for the past two years. I don't deserve you defending me or defending us, but I also never asked you to. Ali, I'll go talk to Maya if you need me to or if that'd be more comfortable. All I can do is keep being this person, this Emily lying next to you right now. And who I am today and what I feel today is the same way I did 7 years ago in your apartment. You'll always consume me, Alison. You'll always be my forever love."

Alison tucked her chin into Emily's chest, trying to prevent the tears on the brim of her eyes from spilling over. It had taken weeks, but Emily had found the words that Alison had been waiting to hear. Words she didn't know that she even needed to hear. But it was enough to flip the switch her head.

She wiped her eyes on Emily's shirt before looking up at her, "Okay… That's a start."

Emily crashed her head down into her chest as she earnestly chuckled, "A start? Alright, babe. Whatever you say…" Emily reached her left hand up to Alison's chin once more before pulling her head up to face her own. "I love you. I'm right here. And I love you."

"Yeah, I know that now." Alison replied, kissing the tip of Emily's chin again before cuddling back into her chest. It wasn't what either of them wanted to hear. But like Alison said… it was a start.

Thirty minutes before they were scheduled to meet, Emily and Alison pulled up across from the memorial.

"Okay, so even though our car will be covered by the trees, you can see from here that I can clearly see you on the corner over there." Emily pointed to her left where over half of the memorial was visible.

"Yeah, I see that." She took a shallow breath trying to gather enough air. "Do you think it was the right choice for us to not come by ourselves earlier this week for me to get a lay of the land?"

"I mean, you made the choice, Al. I told you I would support whatever you wanted. I think that you being a little shaky may catch Maya off guard. It may be an advantage. She's going to expect you to come with notecards of facts."

"Well, I plan on this taking no more than 5 minutes. This conversation shouldn't even be needed as grown fucking adults. But if it's what it takes for our family to be safe, then I'll do whatever I need to do."

"You have your phone set up to record, right?" Emily looked over her shoulder at her wife. The fear in Emily's eyes gave insight into how she lived in this relationship for the past 10 months. There was a nervousness with Maya that wasn't replicated by any other part of her life. And as Alison began preparing for this meeting, she had slowly started seeing that fear come out.

"Yeah, babe. You don't need to worry. We've discussed this a hundred times." Alison leaned forward placing Emily's face in the palm of her hands. "The recording is just in case a threat is made that we can use. I have to get her consent first to record. If she doesn't consent, I will tuck my hair behind my left ear, and you will know to get Spencer on the phone to discuss what you can see with her. Breathe for me. You are okay. I grew up with Jessica and Kenneth DiLaurentis as parents, Em. They invented gaslighting and manipulation. I will not be swayed. You are safe. You are safe with me. In this moment and in every moment."

Emily nodded trying to be reassured. "I know. It's hard for me because I didn't know that I was at risk until a month ago. I didn't get it, so I don't understand how everyone else around me can see it so clearly."

She continuously brushed her thumbs underneath Emily's cheeks as she spoke, "Because we're outside of it. We weren't living it every day. You can't blame yourself for someone taking advantage of you. Would you blame me for the things my parents took away from my childhood?" Emily shook her head, "Yeah, you never would. You aren't blameless, but I would never blame you for her bullshit."

"Okay…" She exhaled as Alison let go of her face and took hold of her right hand.

"I'm going to go sit over there now, okay? I will be alright and once I get this settled, we can continue on with our lives. I'll be back soon." Alison leaned over to place a kiss on Emily's cheek before getting out of the car, tucking her hands in her oversized coat pockets, and walking to the intersection that started it all.

Alison hadn't really faced the scene of her crime firsthand. She looked right up the small hill she careened down before flipping into the now-replaced stop light. She looked left toward the hospital she spent many nights at prior to being released after the crash. As the wind blew against her skin though, she knew Liam was with her. Though she had never met him personally, Alison would forever be spiritually connected to her son. She smiled into the breeze as a calm covered her from head to toe and sent her right back to Emily's first pregnancy.

* * *

_After a long day working around the house, Alison sunk into the bathtub with a sigh. They had decided to forgo professionals doing the flowerbeds around the house to instead spend time together making parts of their home their own. It was a passion project for the two that definitely was taking more time than either could have expected. But in their first few months of marriage, it was a welcomed change of pace. Alison's muscles screamed out their aching as she allowed the steam to combat her continuing spring allergies. It was a continued peace to her day that she embraced with open arms, never knowing the next time the other shoe may drop._

_Alison opened her left eye to look into their master bedroom as she heard Emily coming in after her. Peering out of her peripherals, she still admired the subliminal beauty of her wife. The simple way that Emily walked registered in Alison's mind as perfection. She watched as Emily pulled her hair out of its ponytail to shake out the tension from their exhausting day. Emily walked around the bed toward their closet to discard of her clothing, making her disappear from view as Alison closed her eyes once more. She smiled into her soak as she faintly heard Emily singing off-key from their closet. It was these moments that Alison embraced more than any other. It was these moments that Alison continually filed away as a reminder for every tiny and simplistic thing contained in Emily's being that Alison craved._

_Sitting up to wash her hair, Alison reopened her eyes just in time to see Emily walk back to reach into the bathroom to grab her silk robe for covering until it was time for her bath. And as her silhouette passed by, Alison saw it for the first time._

_"Emmy! Emmy!" she called in a perceived panic._

_Emily laughed as she tucked her head into the bathroom once more, "Yes, my love?"_

_"I need you to take off your robe and come in here right now."_

_"Ali…" she groaned, "I'm not really in the mood. I mean, we just came from outside and I'm going to have to wash this robe because anything I wear is just sticking to my bo –"_

_Alison threw up her arms, "No, not that. Trust me. Please?"_

_Emily turned toward her, relatively perturbed, "This seems completely pointless, and quite frankly, taking advantage of my svelt figure for your own ogling seems a little out of line." She continued speaking as she dropped the robe to the floor._

_"You're beautiful, baby. But turn sideways. Mhm-mmm. Now walk for me." She clapped in excitement as Emily walked in front of the tub. "I can't believe it! You're finally showing!"_

_Emily jumped, spinning around to face the mirror, "What? Why didn't you say something? Are you serious? Can you really tell now?" Alison watched as Emily admired her barely protruding stomach. She smiled in pride at her body's ability to create life inside itself. Alison propped her head on her fist as she looked lovingly her way._

_"Come here, sweetheart." Alison prompted as Emily walked over to sit on the side of the tub. Pushing herself up out of the water temporarily to meet her wife in a kiss, Alison settled back into the tub before reaching her left hand out to settle it on her stomach. "It's our little man."_

_"Yeah, baby. It is." Emily looked down at her wife who stared straight ahead. Even with her hair in a messy shampoo-wrapped bun on the top of her head, she was the picture of everything Emily had dreamed of. Someone so enamored with their life that the smallest of moments were her victories and triumphs._

_Without breaking contact with the bump on Emily's belly that was no bigger than if she had eaten a few big meals, Alison kept talking, "Do you think we made the right choice to only use the male embryos? Should we have been less choosy?"_

_"Ali, we talked about this. We both envisioned our family starting with a little boy. The other embryos are frozen for whenever we're ready, babe. Little Liam will be loved without a doubt…"_

_"Hey?" Alison's question shook Emily out of her haze while she was still speaking, fading off. Emily reconnected her eyes with Alison's. "Where'd you go there, Em?"_

_"Just imagining him being here."_

_"Get in with me."_

_Emily blushed, "What? Alison, I already told you. I'm not in the mood."_

_Laughing, her wife replied, "Why must you always act like I'm trying to put the moves on you? This is a big moment, and I'm in the damn bathtub. Join me. Come on. You can sit all the way over there. I promise; I will only attempt to play footsie."_

_"If it will get you off my case, then fine." She rolled her eyes as she lowered herself into the warm water._

_"Feels good? Right?" Emily's body drifted into the water in bliss, her eyes closing as Alison continued rinsing out her own hair. "You falling asleep over there?"_

_"I'm growing a life, lay off!" Emily smiled back at her wife, her eyes still closed._

_"Spin around then. Come lean against me. I'll wash you off and let you relax."_

_She opened her eyes in protest, "Alison…"_

_Alison picked up her hands in innocence, "I swear to you. No funny business. I can't just take care of my loving wife without being harassed?" Emily laughed as she spun around into her wife's chest, relaxing into her touch as Alison's hands fell delicately onto her thighs. "See? It's not so bad over here. Let me take care of you, babe."_

_Emily sat up so that Alison could run her fingers through her hair and scalp with shampoo before covering her face with her left hand while she poured water over her to rinse._

_"I'm going to wash your back and stuff now, okay? My hands are going to be on your body. They are not coming onto you. They are just trying to –"_

_"Oh, shhhh." Emily protested, "The quiet was so peaceful."_

_Alison continued by soaping up a washcloth to tenderly clean Emily's torso. Delicately, she scrubbed her back and neck before moving to the front of her body. Emily's body quickly gave way to the care, allowing herself to rest against her wife's chest without protest._

_"Sit up for me again, Emmy." She whispered to her wife. "I gotta make sure to clean behind your ears."_

_"You're such a dork." Emily chuckled, complying to her wife's request._

_"Don't act like you didn't know it when you said 'I Do'." Alison kissed just below Emily's ear as she leaned back again in the tub._

_From underneath the water, Emily found Alison's right hand before lacing the two together. A silent acknowledgement of appreciation. Alison embraced her wife with her left hand, allowing it to rest on her now barely protruding stomach._

_And for the first time since they said 'I Do.' For the first time in the months they had been married, Alison felt a calm sweep over her entire family that prevented any lingering thought from intruding. A quiet sense of peace that ran through each of their veins to form a perfect union between the three of them. It was a calm that not Alison and Emily could provide alone. Because now forever intrinsically between them would be Liam. He was the calm. He would always be the calm they both were searching for.  
_

* * *

Alison reopened her eyes on that corner block to find the WALK sign aglow. The calm from the breeze all she needed in tow, as she wiped the lone tear from her right cheek as she reached the next corner to wait to cross. She looked to her left back toward Emily's car. Her wife was staring faintly at her through the window. Alison picked up her finger, licked it, and held it up to the wind, smiling.

Emily rolled down her window and repeated the motion before mouthing, "Liam…" Their forever unused nickname for their son. William, meaning 'resolute protection', forever being represented through the wind. Forever protecting his mothers and now baby sister. Alison placed her hand over her heart as she walked the other stretch of walkway to his memorial.

She took a deep breath before stepping from the usual concrete sidewalk, to the stained concrete of the memorial. She looked up to look at the statue for the first time. A taller young man that Alison immediately recognized held hands with a younger boy to his left as they ran, their clothes appearing to lightly blow in the wind.

"Chance." Alison whispered, looking for the first time at a 3D representation of the life she took away. She had only ever seen his photo in the newspaper or in clippings of photos his mother sent from various ages when he was younger, but Alison recognized him immediately.

The younger boy next to him appeared to be about 5, and despite not being a perfect replication, he looked like Emily's father at a young age. His straight hair flew softly behind him as Alison sat at the bench directly looking at him. Add short curly hair and Emily's lips and she would be staring at her daughter. Alison closed her eyes in the breeze once again as she embraced the feeling of standing on solid ground in the place where she once had ripped the ground apart. She dropped her head as she opened her eyes to look at the plaque placed into the ground.

_For Chance Andrew (23) and Liam Charles (unborn). May this ever be a testament to their lives._

_"_ Fuck…" Alison whispered as the tears she had been trying to hold back forged their escape.

"I thought this might be your first time coming here." She heard in front of her. Maya walked up to sit on the opposite bench. "How does it feel?" She was relishing in Alison's discomfort and grieving as she crossed her legs and smirked looking forward.

"Cathartic." Alison replied, wiping her tears away before pulling out her phone. "Thank you for making me come here; I might not have ever taken this step otherwise."

"Sure." Maya coughed, thrown off-guard by Alison's reply.

Alison held up her phone before pressing the record button, "Do you mind if I record our conversation, Maya? It's for both of our protection to make sure that this conversation stays safe for all parties involved. We're in a two-party consent state, so just say the word, and I'll make sure it stays in front of you so that you know I'm not recording."

"No, it's fine." The words left Maya's lips before she could consider otherwise. Alison's thank you still shaking her intended steps for this conversation.

"Okay, great. Please just let me know if you want me to stop. Thanks." Alison smiled up at Maya as Maya half-smirked back. "So we have to talk about Emily and the text messages and phone calls she's received throughout the week."

"I'm still surprised that she sent you as her representative."

"No, I'm here as her wife." Alison readjusted herself without breaking eye contact. The tension between them lingered in the breeze.

"Her wife…" Maya pushed her bangs behind her ear, tucking them into the beanie she was wearing in the cold. "Makes sense that she would immediately move on to the next thing she could find warmth under."

"I'm not playing this game with you, Maya. I'm here to tell you to leave Emily the fuck alone. Stop calling. Stop texting. I know you may have had hope in getting back together, but I'm here to tell you to step out of this."

"Interesting. It's almost like we're back in that waiting room in high school."

"You can make that comparison if you'd like. But this isn't high school. Real lives and a real marriage are at stake here. This isn't a game for you to fuck with."

The lingering smirk on Maya's face remained plastered, "You know, I don't think Emily was concerned about your "real marriage" when she was fucking me just weeks ago."

Alison gulped, clenching the hand that was behind her back into a fist, "Once again, I'm not here to discuss what you would like to. I am here to get your confirmation, on recording, that you will leave my wife alone. It is her request that you remove yourself from her life."

"And she's not here because?"

"You know exactly why." Alison leaned forward as Maya slowly started getting under her skin.

"Oh, that part got you too." Maya leaned further back in her seat enjoying that Alison was showing evidence of cracking. "You getting angry now?"

"Not angry. Frustrated… you're a child."

"I'm excited to watch the judicial system's anger management courses at work. An exemplar prisoner now out in the world putting their course into practice. What does it take for you to…" she paused. "Crack?"

"That wouldn't happen." Alison crossed her arms attempting to get back in control.

"I'm sure that's what the courtroom thought before the day they questioned you, Alison. But it turns out that too many questions kind of set you on edge. Don't they? There's no bailiff to hold you back out here."

"This is pointless." Alison groaned, standing up and beginning to walk back to the crosswalk.

"I thought you were here for Emily. And at the first test of an entire conversation, you choose to leave. Is that what Emily can expect during this marriage of yours?"

Alison turned around incensed, but held her voice steady, "You are despicable. You are a manipulative narcissist who does not care who she tramples in the way to what she wants. The fucking issue with people though, Maya is that it's a two way street. They have to want you back. I'm not sure what damage you did to my wife while I was gone, but she wants nothing to do with you. So do us a favor and get the fuck out. It's not that difficult. Move on to your next prey because I am not the person you want to fuck with."

"Ooh. Is that a threat? On record?" Maya stood intrigued.

"The only threat I have for you is that I will sue your ass into next year. My name has more power and fame and money behind it than St. Germain could ever dream of having. I will find every ounce of baggage I can muster from the depths of the crypt you rose from and use it against you until something sticks. I will sue you for petty issue after petty issue until you either give up or go bankrupt. But I'm giving you the option to get out now. Remove yourself now, Maya."

"$2 million."

Alison couldn't help but laugh aloud, "Of course, this is about fucking money for you. Is that why you sought her out again? Because Emily Fields had access to _the_ DiLaurentis Trust?"

"Just happened to be a perk. I'm entitled to the money Emily was set to earn in your divorce."

Alison took a step forward, "A screw is loose up there, Maya. You aren't entitled to shit. You are scum. Do you hear that? Scum. Agree to walk now or you will receive a restraining order for both distance and any form of contact tomorrow while my lawyer draws up our next course of action."

"You're bluffing." Maya stepped forward, putting them only a few feet from each other.

"Try me, bitch."

"$500,000."

"Never going to happen. Say it. Into my phone." Alison extended her arm forward, the microphone facing Maya, "Tell me that you will leave my wife and family alone."

"$100,000." Maya crossed her arms, unwilling to look Alison in the eye since she turned around.

"I will stand here all fucking night. Either you leave and I make your life hell with lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit. Or you tell me to my face and into this phone that you will stop. I'm here for Emily. I will not leave until her safety is settled."

Silence. Maya swayed back and forth working out her options.

"You know, what? Fuck you." Alison began speaking again. "Because the fact that I'm here right now for my wife's safety is bullshit. She was engaged to you. She loved you and for months she had no idea that she was unsafe in your hands. That she was in harm's way. You are the harm. Take a long hard look at yourself in the fucking mirror tonight because there is woman in this town who questions safety in my fucking arms because of your bullshit. Her safety, Maya! Her wellbeing! Do it for her, please. If you love her at all, let me take care of her. Let me make sure that she's okay. If you had even one ounce of care for her in high school or now, understand that your relationship with her wasn't healthy. Allow me to help. Let me keep her safe. Let me keep our family safe."

Maya drug her foot back and forth on the concrete, directly on the plaque for Chance and Liam.

"Please get your foot off of their names. Respect Emily's son."

Maya stomped on it while staring directly in Alison's eyes waiting to see her flinch. But she didn't. She stood. Her arm still extended while her other hand rested on the side of her own neck. That was all it took.

"Yeah. Okay. You win." Maya sighed.

"Say it."

"I will stop contacting Emily and your family."

"In what ways?"

"Phone calls. Text messages. Driving past your home."

"Thank you. And I just want this part saved as well. Maya, any violation of this audio, which will be filed with my lawyer will constitute an agreement to the option you did not select this afternoon. As mentioned, the restraining order along with your first charges of harassment and stalking will be filed at first breech of this audio being violated. Understood?"

"Crystal." Maya smirked again as Alison turned around.

She looked over her shoulder as she walked away, "And once again, get your fucking foot off of Liam's name. If I never see you again, it would be too soon."

Alison stood at the corner as she watched Maya kick her foot in the air before turning around to walk toward the opposite side of the town square. Finally removing her hand from her neck, she lifted her phone camera to see the damage. A nail sized nick carved into the side of Alison's neck had held back her temper long enough for the time she need to speak calmly.

She sucked the blood off of her finger as she faced the street, "The fucking judicial anger management system at work, my ass…"

But it was over. She got what she needed. Maya might have believed that their conversation was the end. But for Alison, her confirmation was only the beginning. Because from now on, any and all contact violated a verbal contract. And that was all Alison needed to own Maya's ass.

And it was the first thing Emily needed to finally feel safe again.

* * *

**A/N: Eep! During editing, just reading it all out loud got me excited/nervous again. I hope you all enjoyed and are excited for some fluffy chapter for the next little bit. I know that I am :) Thank you again for all of your support. Next chapter on Thursday!  
**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**secretpen28**


	28. When I Fall In Love

Emily wandered around the house trying to make herself busy. She shuffled along from table to table attempting to organize, clean, straighten, and correct all that she could to avoid the aftermath. Though Alison got back into the car smiling, the ride home from her meeting with Maya was tense to say the least. Emily drove with one eye on her wife, noticing every second of her pensive posture. Alison held her lips pursed and tapped her right hand against her upper thigh. It was a confusing moment for Emily. Not knowing exactly what her place needed to be when she was the entire cause of it. Her brain went into overdrive thinking about what role she needed to play when she was unsure of what her role even was.

Alison must have felt her insecurity because without another second passing, she reached across the console to hold Emily's hand and gently placed the back of it against her lips. She repeated the action over and over again until reassurance was the only thing that existed between the couple.

"Are you okay?" Emily whispered, afraid of the answer.

"I will be. She infuriates me, so I just need to cool down."

"Sure. Whatever you need."

As Alison held Emily's hand to her lips, Emily used her thumb to trace alongside her wife's jaw. The brunette may not have known exactly her place, but she knew that there was no other place she needed to be. The silence that once was uncomfortable between them was once again becoming commonplace. Emily knew her wife, and she knew that when Alison was ready, she would come to her with anything and everything they needed to work through. If things hadn't gone well, Emily would already know. She needed to be secure in that for her own sanity.

So now that they were home and Alison still was barely speaking, Emily needed to keep her mind occupied so that she didn't break before the blonde was ready. Noticing her anxiety, Alison made sure to reassure her wife whenever she passed. From wrapping her arm around Emily's waist briefly when walking by, or taking a moment of pause to kiss her on the cheek, Alison wanted Emily to know that the tension being held in their home had little to do with Emily herself.

After wandering around aimlessly, Emily finally got settled onto the couch as Alison continued to move around her. She waited for Alison to come to her which happened less than 15 minutes later as Alison brought both of them a glass of water before sitting down.

"Thank you." Alison spoke delicately next to her. "For your patience today, I mean. It meant a lot for you to give me that space for my brain to calm down."

Emily nodded as she curled up to lay in her wife's lap, "Of course. You act like we haven't been a couple for over a quarter of our lives."

"I thought maybe you had forgotten." The sentiment wasn't meant to be harsh, but it hit Emily like the weight of the world.

Emily kissed the side of Alison's thigh as the words hung in the air. "I'm sorry for making you think that I could've ever forgotten."

Alison draped her hands on Emily's hip tracing circles on the skin that peeked just above the waistline of her pants. "It went okay, by the way… our conversation. She agreed to never reach out to us again, and I got it on tape. You should be safe from here on out. We should be safe."

"Okay." Emily squeezed her legs closer into her chest hearing her words, "Was she mad at me?"

"Not particularly, baby. You're okay. She was mad that I was there instead of you, but no, she didn't seem upset that you two broke up."

"But she said things that made you upset?"

Alison didn't need to respond for Emily to know she was correct. Maya forever had the uncanny ability of getting under anyone's skin if she really wanted to.

"I saw your neck… you dug your thumb into your skin. I saw it on the way home. You only do that when you're trying to not yell."

Though Alison began her reply calmly, it was obvious that the more she dwelled on the incident, the more agitated and short she became, "She said that I was just the first thing you could find warmth under. She referred to our marriage as a sham. She called back to the fact that she was fucking you weeks ago. She kept putting her fucking foot on Chance and Liam's plaque. She asked for _money_ in exchange for her silence, Emily. She didn't give one solitary fuck about your wellbeing or safety and made you think she did for nearly a year. So yeah, she said things that made me upset."

"Al –"

"Please don't say anything. I really don't want to be mad at you; we've talked this out."

Emily nodded into Alison's leg as she rotated her body so that she was lying face up, "Can you look at me, sweetheart?" Alison wiped the side of her eyes with her thumb before turning her gaze. Her mouth was pursed again, and she clung to her upper gum with her bottom teeth. She looked wounded. "Thank you, Alison. For everything. For still being here. For being willing. For protecting me. For keeping our family safe. I'm so sorry that I reintroduced her into the haven we created. I'm sorr –"

"You don't need to apologize anymore." Alison shook her head, "I'm just so ready to get back to who we were. I don't give a shit about Maya or her antics or what you did or didn't do. It happened, and I need for us to move on. Can you move on?"

Emily bit her bottom lip as she nodded up at her wife whose previous pout had faded into a knowing smirk. She leaned up quickly to meet Alison's lips that were already crashing down on hers. Alison sighed into the kiss as she began pulling away for Emily to follow. Emily worked to rotate her body while maintaining contact so that she was by her wife's side once more. At the first sign of taking a breath, Emily wrapped her closed hand around Alison's side while moving her lips to her wife's neck. Licking and kissing over the scarred etch in her skin from her thumb, Emily reassured that all of Alison's frustration was worth it. Alison's hands trailed down Emily's sides, gripping onto her shirt as Emily toyed with the tender skin left behind on her neck.

"Em…" her wife's name escaped from between her lips, causing Emily to pull away.

"Oh, sorry. Are you okay?"

"No, no. I'm fine." She smirked lightly, blushing from her accidental slip.

Emily grazed her hand down the back of her wife's thigh, pulling it closer to her and allowing Alison to take control as Emily lay flat on her back flush with the couch. She sucked Alison's bottom lip between hers before keeping her palms flat on the back of her thighs to make sure to only go Alison's speed.

"God, you've always known exactly how to turn me on." Alison chuckled, whispering against Emily's cheek. "I've missed this."

Knowing her wife's mental state with her touch, Emily knew that she needed to take her time. Despite everything within her telling her to smother Alison with kisses up and down the body she craved, she knew that she couldn't rush or pretend that this moment could be compared to being with anyone else. She couldn't struggle against Alison's touch because she needed her wife to know that she was surrendering. She was giving in to her anxiety and fear and allowing their past to become their future. She relinquished any and all power she once held.

"And I've missed you."

Alison sighed again into their kiss, snaking her tongue between her wife's lips for the first time since coming home, which sent a broad smile across Emily's face. The relationship being held between their bodies was still fragile. Any sudden move or error could lead to their union breaking before fully beginning again. Emily pulled back to look in Alison's pale blue eyes, seeking confirmation that the dreams she'd been having for over a month were actually coming true.

"I want you hold me." Alison whispered as Emily stared confused at what she meant. Grabbing one of her hands still on Alison's thigh, the blonde moved Emily's hand up her body until her hand was cupping her wife's back. "Hold me, Em."

Emily nodded reaching back for Alison's lips. She allowed her fingers to linger over Alison's shoulder blades as she brought her other arm up to her back, relishing in feeling Alison's body in her grasp once again. Her right hand moved back and forth up Alison's torso and as she hesitantly cupped her hip, she felt Alison lean into her hand, yearning for touch just as much as Emily. She continued kissing her long and slow wanting each moment between them to be savored. As though this moment could be replaced with one of the first times they discovered each other in their early twenties.

Alison's touch remained unsure as her fingers lingered just below the hem of Emily's shirt. The brunette leaned back to place a kiss on her wife's forehand and each cheek as she spoke, "You're okay; I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours. You're safe with me."

It terrified Alison because after the past few months, she finally understood all she stood to lose. Retracing each petrifying moment of the hurt she faced at the hands of the woman beneath her touch made a part of her want to pull away. But if Alison couldn't succumb to Emily's touch, if she couldn't let her mind let go even for the brief moments that would make them closer as a couple, then she would never be okay. Emily had already seen Alison through the scariest and hardest moments of her life. From her parents' divorce to her attempt to come out to her mother to stopping conversations with their father altogether, Emily saw her moments of fear and sadness and anguish and met each of them with care and candor. She had felt safe with Emily since the age of 12. Giving that part of herself away again was the easiest and hardest decision she had ever made.

And as if, Emily saw her every thought, she brought her lips to Alison's ear and whispered, "We don't have to do anything, Al. Staying in your arms all night would be the best gift you could ever give me." She kissed below Alison's earlobe sending a shudder down her wife's spine, "But you can also let go one last time. I'm right here. Let go one more time, and I'll never let you down, beautiful. Let go…"

She moved her lips to Alison's neck, humming into her pulse as Alison exhaled. Emily opened her palm on Alison's hip to squeeze her skin gently, knowing that in every moment before now, Emily's open palm led Alison to recoil. But with that one touch, Alison gained her own confidence. She moved Emily's shirt slowly up her torso as her wife's lips continued moving down her neck and jawline.

She breathed out as if letting go of every stressful moment of the past three months, "Okay…" Emily squealed into her neck from excitement, leading Alison to collapse her head against Emily's shoulder in laughter. "Fucking adorable."

Emily traced her thumbs over Alison's ribcage as she turned her face once more to look in Alison's eyes, "You're fucking adorable. Come here." Emily nipped at Alison's chin as she felt her wife slowly losing herself on top of her. She pulled her legs up from the bottom of the couch to support Alison's ass as Alison gained more courage to move further up Emily's shirt. Her thumb had barely grazed just below Emily's bra when both heard keys being turned in their front door.

Alison jumped up suddenly, knocking her chin into her wife's teeth as she twisted and fell on the floor beneath their couch, while Emily sat straight up, attempting to pull down her top before the door swung open.

Pam entered the living room with her head still facing Olivia as she spoke, "Your mommies might still be out for the day. We can – "

"Mom!" Emily gasped, touching her front teeth to ensure they were still intact before dragging her fingers through her hair as Pam jerked backward in surprise.

"Oh!" she yelped, looking up to see her daughter and daughter-in-law quickly trying to appear normal, despite Alison being on the floor clutching her knees with her arms. "Oh… I'm so sorry. I didn't see your car out there Em, and I just – "

Emily stood up, lowering her hand to lift Alison up from the floor before wrapping her arm around her wife's waist. "We've been working on… we cleaned out… organized the garage. My car… it fits… we can get it in the garage now. We thought… thought that you were keeping her… keeping Olivia through dinner." Emily gasped, trying to catch her breath as Alison struggled to stop her laughter from escaping her lips. She tucked her head into Emily's chest as Emily continued attempting to form a cohesive sentence.

"I thought I would be kind and make dinner for you both, but you guys seem to have it together over here. I'm so sorry, girls."

Alison raised her hand from still being tucked into Emily, "Don't worry, Mom! We've got it from here." She laughed out loud into Emily's chest again as Emily wrapped her other arm around Alison to give her a full hug against her, beginning to crack as well.

"I can see that…" Pam replied, setting Olivia down after giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Dinner later next week then?"

"Of course, Mom. We'll have you over on Monday or Tuesday. Thank you for watching Liv."

"Yep! Love you both!" she shuffled out the door, not bothering to lock it behind her.

Emily collapsed onto the couch with Alison still in her arms as the door closed. Their laughter filled the bottom floor as Alison tucked her chin further into her wife's chest.

"So fucking embarrassing." Alison muttered, wrapping her hands around Emily's neck.

Olivia walked around the couch, placing her hand on Alison's ankle, "Okay, mommy?"

Emily quickly transferred her wife to the right side of her body to give her enough room to swing down to pick up their daughter and place her on her left. For the first time since their mother busted into the room, Emily was able to see Alison who was completely red in the face, tears of laughter streaming down her cheeks at the entire situation.

Emily kissed Alison's forehead as she began speaking, "Yeah, Squirt. We are just laughing. Gamma hasn't walked in on your parents since college. We're just being silly. Take your time, sweetheart."

"Mommy silly!" Olivia pointed at Alison who actively was trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she wrapped her palm around her daughter's calf.

"Mommy's very silly, Liv. Do you remember what we do to get into a silly mood?" Emily gestured toward Olivia as Alison stopped wiping her face to look at the two of them confused. But at that pause, she noticed Olivia's face turn mischievous before turning to look at her.

"Em? What are you two do –" And before she had finished, Emily had reached over to scoop Olivia from her lap and moving Alison back onto the couch before the both of them pounced on top of Alison and began tickling her. "Oh my God! You're kidding me right, Em?"

Olivia's laugh echoed into Alison's ears as she chose to lay there and embrace the moment. Her daughter's tiny hands ambled just underneath her chin as Alison squirmed, while Emily tickled her wife's sides. Their smiles brought more happiness into Alison's heart than all of the moments since she'd been home combined. Emily collapsed to her left against the back of the couch as Olivia continued trying to tickle her mother.

Emily wrapped her arm around her wife and daughter as she pulled Alison in for one last kiss. As she pulled away, Alison whispered, "Can we finish what we were up to later?"

Emily nodded, "Of course. We only have forever."

* * *

Later that evening as the two got ready for bed, Emily continued sorting through the boxes she had brought back to the house after moving out in the middle of December. She adjusted t-shirts and shorts in their dresser drawers as Alison finished up her nighttime face routine. Opening up their top drawer, she was caught off-guard by the two rings lying on the left-hand side.

Seeing both rings in that drawer hurt her heart more than she thought it would knowing that just weeks earlier, Alison thought the bond they were building between each other would never happen again. That at one point in time, they both were ready to give up everything they had for potentially a life that would never measure up.

She stayed staring into the drawer as Alison came up beside her, "What are you thinking about there, cutie?" Alison wrapped her arms around Emily's waist before placing a kiss on her cheek.

"Our rings. They're both in this drawer."

Alison's hands dropped to her side without a word as she got into her side of the bed silently. With every moment of progress the two made, there was always another forgotten obstacle they needed to maneuver. Emily closed the drawer solemnly before walking around the end of the bed to get in on the other side, sliding in to wrap her arm around her wife's waist.

They lay in silence, both staring at the now closed drawer just across from them. Knowing that despite being so close in the moment that there was a time in their lives when they were closer, when just the thought of taking off their wedding rings would've seemed unfathomable.

"I took mine off on our anniversary, after you said we needed to get a divorce." Emily tucked her chin into Alison's neck, placing a forgiving kiss just above her collarbone as Alison whispered into the darkness. "I'll never forget your eyes when you said it. You meant those words as much as you meant 'I do.'"

Emily sucked in air at the blow of her wife's words. She had nothing to say; she had meant it. When she said it that night, Emily meant every word. Despite the wonder of hurt on Alison's face, it was what she had wanted. At the time.

"I came home that night and practically destroyed the house. I was so angry. I knocked over the vase of our flowers and felt myself coming back together as it shattered into hundreds of pieces on the tile floor. I ripped up your Christmas gift and left it along with all the other ashes in the fireplace. I haven't been that angry since the day of my sentencing."

"I know… I'm sorry." Emily tried to kiss down Alison's arm to undo all of the damage she had caused, but Alison shrugged her off.

"And even though you meant it, what hurt more was your voice. Because even though your face was harsh and hollow, your voice gave you away. It cracked and shook as you said the words. Like you knew it was wrong the moment it left your lips. But then you kept going, so I knew that no matter how badly it may have hurt you. You were convinced." Alison laced her fingers into her wife's which lazily lay on her hips before continuing, "When did you take yours off?"

With that one question, Emily knew that her wife was stronger than she could ever attempt to be. She wondered if the roles had been reversed, if somehow Emily was the one who ended up in jail, if any of the events that unfolded while Emily was alone would've happened to Alison. But Alison was used to being alone. She was used to being fragmented. She knew that Alison wouldn't have gotten engaged, or started dating someone, or even asked for a separation. Emily knew that Alison was still by her side because Emily was the first person to be there for her. She was the first person who saw Alison's broken frame and dedicated her time and energy to repairing her. She knew nothing else. And despite, Emily building up Alison's frame only to destroy it again, Alison was still strong enough to lay by her side. She was still brave enough to ask the tough questions before Emily even considered them. It's why Emily had forever been enamored. Her ability to remain strong came as easy to her as breathing. But it was also her biggest weakness. Because in her attempt to remain strong, she rarely allowed someone else inside to witness her fragility.

"You don't have to pretend right now, Al." Emily whispered into the dark, turning Alison onto her back so that she could look directly at her. "You're allowed to be mad at me."

Alison outlined her wife's jaw with her thumb, "But what good would that do?"

"It would reassure me that you're not holding onto to everything and then later may resent me…"

"Resent you? Babe – "

"You can resent me for putting you through all of this. I wasn't honest with you. I was selfish and put you through weeks of pain because I was incapable of letting you go. You're the strongest woman I'll ever know, but you don't have to be strong in front of me."

"I know that, Emily. This conversation sucks. The fact that we have to have this conversation sucks, but I'm not trying to be strong. I'm trying to understand. Tell me. When did you take yours off?" Alison opened up her arms to allow Emily to lay on her chest.

Emily sighed against Alison as she began, "April 18th. Minutes before I walked out of the house to meet Maya for coffee for the first time."

"Okay. So it wasn't when we separated?"

"No… I couldn't do it. You already felt so far away from me that I couldn't take off the last thing of you that I had." Emily felt herself breaking down. "But I also didn't want to still be wearing it on a date with someone else… it was the hardest thing I had to do. I lost a part of myself that day. I lost sight of everything that ring meant to us. All of the reasons you chose it for me."

"You know that I'm not that ring, right? That I'm right here. That my fingers are running through your hair. That your hand is resting in between my tits, right?" Emily propped herself up, looking at her wife perplexed. "The ring represents our relationship and our vows, but it isn't either of those things. The ring I bought for you isn't me. You only lost a part of yourself because you put more stock into that ring than you needed to. Lay back down… listen to me for a minute."

"The day that I walked into Pike County, I thought the same thing, you know? The guard made me take off all of my jewelry and piercings. My fucking bellybutton ring closed up while I was in there…" she trailed off, lifting up her shirt for Emily to see. "And I felt the same thing when I had to take off my wedding ring. I felt like I was losing a part of us, but then I saw you the next week. And I remember staring at you through that glass wall for the first time. You told me about your morning sickness starting to subside and that you were so grateful because you missed feeling my fingers holding your hair back and dreamed of having me blow air on the back of your neck when you felt clammy. You put your hand up to the glass, and I felt the electricity running between us. Our relationship isn't that ring, babe. It's the moments between us that will never be able to be replaced. It's the ease I feel lying by your side. So yeah, me taking off my ring when I got home was incredibly hard. But it wasn't because that ring represented us in any way. It's because I realized that I had lost you long before our anniversary…"

"When did you know? That you had lost me?"

"The moment I walked through the door in December, Em." Emily kissed Alison's neck through the pain of hearing her talking about her first night home. She felt Alison smile underneath her though, "You let Jason beat you to the door to hug me. You stood there and waited patiently to see me when you've literally shoved him to the ground before to kiss me first."

Emily chuckled, recalling all of the times Jason came to visit after college. Even if Alison had just been at the grocery store when Jason arrived from California, Emily would shove him out of the way when her wife got home to make sure she had first dibs.

"I called you beautiful, and you just said 'Hey'. You didn't even say my name… I knew right then. You were no longer mine. I never would've thought that you had moved on, but I knew then that our time apart had strained our relationship. That I lost you to time."

"I tried to play it off in front of your brother. I didn't want to get him involved in a conversation meant for us alone."

"I love that I know you so well, babe. It's okay. I just knew right then that all the ideas I had dreamt up of what my first night back home with you would be like slipped through my fingers."

Alison turned on her side back toward her wife as she wiped a strand of Emily's hair from her eyes and began just looking at her wife intently. "Do you think we'll ever wear them again?" Emily asked, breaking the silence.

"We're not married, Emily." Emily closed her eyes, allowing her wife's words to sweep over her body, "You gave me my ring the day we got married, babe. You wrote me beautiful and amazing words, and then less than 4 years later, you broke those vows. That ring no long represents what you told me that day. Will we wear rings again? Sure, maybe. But the moment I walked through that front door and felt that you were distant, my ring didn't mean a thing."

"Ouch…" Emily winced trying to find her words, "I understand though. I'm sure seeing that ring is as painful as me remembering taking mine off."

"I know that we're in this weird limbo right now, but I have all the faith in the world that we can get back to relationship I imagined coming home to in December. We're going to be okay, Emmy."

Less than ten minutes later, Emily felt Alison's chest rising and falling beneath her, a clear indication that she had fallen asleep with Emily wrapped in her arms. But as Emily lay there with her eyes wide open, she realized that the only way for them to be completely okay was to go back to who they were when they first started dating. Back when Emily would've moved mountains to ensure that Alison felt secure beneath her touch.

* * *

As the week's passed, Emily and Alison began falling back into their rhythm. Slowly but surely, they were relearning each other's steps and as they began trusting each other again, their relationship slowly blossomed around that. Though it took some finesse, one Tuesday at the end of March, Emily was able to get Alison out of the house long enough to get Olivia over to her mother's before putting her full plan into action. She had Spencer call Alison for coffee that afternoon and as Spencer drove up to the house that night to take Alison home, the blonde could sense her nervousness as they pulled into the driveway.

"You want to come in and see Livvy and Em? I'm sure they both miss you."

"No. I mean, nope! I think I'll hold off. Gotta get home to Wren, you know?"

Alison laughed, "You know that you're a terrible liar. Why do even try anymore?"

"Oh, whatever. I had a great day with you. Just remember that and forgive me for being a nervous wreck anytime I have to stretch the truth. Have a great night!"

"What are you hiding?" Alison asked, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind her. Spencer waved wildly as she waited for her friend to walk up to the front door. The moment she put the key in the door though, the door opened.

Alison gasped as the smell of the interior hit her. Her favorite scent of cinnamon and gingerbread welcomed her into their living room to a near replica of the scene she walked into almost four months earlier. To her left was a tree, wrapped in lights and ornaments, while presents filled out the skirt. The fireplace was lit as the dimming lights in the living room completed the mood. She took another step in and moved her hands to her mouth as she saw her and Emily's photos back on their bookshelves. The house felt exactly like she had left it the day had to turn herself in.

And standing behind the door, leaning against the frame was her wife. Her long brown hair had a been straightened to cascade down her shoulders, and she wore a green dress which was Alison's favorite color on her.

"Emily Fields… what the fuck did you do? Is this what I think it is?"

She took a step forward to wrap Alison's right hand in hers, "Do you mind giving me a chance to redo your first night home?"

Alison placed her other hand on her wife's chest, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Do you hate it?" Emily's eyes panicked, "You were saying a few weeks ago that you wanted to get back to who we were before this moment, so I thought – "

"Get out of your head, beautiful. I'm just incredibly overwhelmed."

"I understand." Emily whispered, leaning closer to Alison to wrap her hands around her waist, "But I need you out of your head, babe. I'm trying to kiss the woman in front of me that I haven't been able to hold in almost two years." Emily's thumb traced Alison's bottom lip as she brought her in for a kiss, "I missed you. I'm so happy you're home. I can't wait to make up for every single day we were apart." Alison shivered underneath her touch as Emily whispered into her ear. She shoved the lump in her throat as far down as she could before Emily drew her in for another kiss. "You like the idea of that, don't you?" Emily placed a small kiss on Alison's forehead before pulling away, "How about we get you out of these clothes and into something a little more comfortable? Let me take care of you tonight."

Emily leaned down to pick Alison up bridal style as she carried her into their bedroom before setting her down in front of their dresser, "I have a bath drawn if you'd like to soak and relax from your day, or you can skip the bath, and we can move right into dinner."

"I'm starving. So, dinner, please." Alison looked up, amazed at the woman in front of her eyes.

"Perfect. I'll go let out the water. I set out your favorite pajamas on the bed." Emily left a lingering kiss on Alison's cheek as she walked to the bathroom.

Alison quickly began getting undressed as she heard the water being let out of the tub, "How long did this take you, Em?" she called over her shoulder, throwing a giant shirt over her head.

Coming out in record time, Emily walked out of the restroom a moment later, changed into pajamas herself while Alison stood on her side of the bed with just her shirt on. "I couldn't tell you. I was so excited to finally have you home that I just worked all day until Spencer texted me." Emily sauntered toward her wife who was reaching for her pajama bottoms. "Wait, just one second."

Alison turned back looking up at Emily, "What's that?"

"In the glow of the bathroom light… you're stunning." Emily wrapped her arm around Alison's waist bringing her in for another kiss. Alison quickly allowed their tongues to dance between their embrace as Emily sunk her hands lower down her wife's body until one of her hands gently grabbed her currently bare ass. "Is this okay?" she asked against Alison's lips. Without reply, Alison covered Emily's hand with her own, squeezing it gently as her version of permission. After a few more moments, Emily stepped back, "So sorry. I have to stop myself, otherwise we'll never get to dinner…" She smirked, tossing Alison's pants into her chest as she started walking back toward the living room.

Alison followed behind her wife, taking in the décor as she stepped back into the living room. "It really feels like one of our typical Christmas' in here." Alison turned into the kitchen as Emily was plating their appetizer. "How the fuck did you get a tree?"

Emily smirked, placing another kiss on Alison's lips, "It's fake. But Target was having a blowout sale on their Christmas stock. I couldn't pass up the deal."

Looking down at their plates, Alison placed Emily's hand in her palm, "You made my favorite meal from Sorrento's…"

"Come sit down, baby." Emily replied, tapping Alison's hip with her own as she walked past. As soon as Alison sat, Emily continued speaking, "You're incorrect. I didn't make any of this. I went and got it from Sorrento's. First up, I have our favorite burrata…"

"Extra pesto and tomatoes?"

"Of course." Emily leaned down to kiss Alison again, before walking back to the kitchen. "Extra pesto and tomatoes. I also convinced them to pour a glass of our favorite Cabernet to-go. It's a 6 ounce pour." She walked back to her wife's side, crouching to be eye level with Alison as she continued to talk, "Would you like ½ of it? I promise that there's no other alcohol in the house. I just thought we might want to make a toast."

"We're staying in tonight?"

"Yes ma'am. Liv doesn't come back home until tomorrow, and I have enough planned to keep us busy here all night."

Alison leaned forward, "Mmmm. I like the sound of that." Their lips met briefly as Emily stood back up.

"So that's a yes?"

"You're such a fucking tease. But sure, Emmy. I'd like that."

"Great." She replied, reaching into the fridge. "I put them in right before you got home so that they would be lightly chilled, exactly how you like it." Sitting down next to her wife, she raised her glass for their toast. "I'd like to propose a toast to you. Ali…" she paused, looking straight into her wife's eyes as she tried to find the words she had spent all day preparing, "After everything we've been through since we got married over four years ago, this is the first new vow I'm making. One that I intend to keep for the rest of my life. I am promising you that tonight is only the beginning. I am here to match actions with the words I've been saying to you the past month. I want to spend forever with you, Alison. I know that we have 14 more days to decide what we want to do. But I hope that with tonight, I make that decision easy for us. Here's to tonight. Here's to tomorrow. Here's to forever."

Alison had fallen entranced with Emily's speech, resting her head in the palm of her hand as she stared absentmindedly forward. She loved the woman in front of her, even if she was still unwilling to admit it to her heart.

"To forever." She replied as their glasses clinked together, allowing a small sip of red wine to pass through her lips. As Emily placed her glass down, Alison leaned forward, turning Emily face toward hers to capture her wife in a kiss.

"What was that for?"

"It was just a thank you… Thank you."

"Of course, baby." Emily smiled as she began separating the burrata and baguette between their plates, "I also made sure to get the breaded chicken on your piccata and extra whipped cream on the side of the tiramisu."

"It wasn't so long ago that when I placed our order you asked me if I had to practice it all day." She couldn't help but poke fun at Emily.

Her wife smirked in return, "You were right that night, Al. Our favorite order at Sorrento's is ours. I was a jerk for thinking even for a moment that it wasn't engrained in every facet of our relationship."

They continued to eat, sneaking glances at each other between bites. As Emily stood up to plate their main courses, Alison started a new conversation, "I noticed that you're wearing the wedding ring I proposed to you with, Emmy."

She nodded as she sat down, "On my right hand, but yes. We are in this weird limbo right now, but it's like you said a few weeks ago… I broke my vows. And though you didn't say it then, we both know that you never broke yours. I am dedicated to earning your trust back, but I'm wearing this ring again because I want you to know where I stand. I am proudly yours. If it's too much, I can take it off."

"No, it's fine." Alison replied, taking another bite. "I was just wondering."

"You don't like it…" Emily stuttered, moving her left hand to take it off her right. "… I thought that it would be cute, you know? Like that – "

Alison turned in her chair, "Emily, pause." She covered Emily's right hand to stop her from pulling it off. "You're okay. Why your right hand though?"

"You said we weren't married, Al. I'm not going to go against what you said."

"Breathe for a minute, sweetie." Alison leaned forward, placing a kiss on both of Emily's cheeks, "You're so worried right now about appeasing me and making sure that tonight is perfect that you're forgetting what I even said during my vows. Close your eyes for me. Go back. Tell me something I said that day, Em."

"You promised to love me and our family no matter the obstacle."

"You're right. I did."

"You promised to keep loving me without hesitation and that you would never let me go."

"Keep going." Alison whispered, scooting closer to her wife.

"You… you said that –" Emily paused trying to get it together.

"I said that loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done." Emily nodded. "Do you know why I said that?"

"No…" Emily closed her eyes, feeling tears building up in the corners, anxiety filling her veins.

"Because of moments like this. You spend your entire day building a night just for me, just for us. You are insanely thoughtful and put your wedding ring back on in almost a year wanting me to know that you are with me every step of the way. You don't just believe in love, Emily. You live in love. You take risks without knowing if they're worth it simply because you want me to know without any doubt that you love me. Can I see the ring, please?" Emily nodded as she gave into the tears in her eyes. "The only thing wrong with this gesture, Em… is that I purchased this for you with the intention that it would only be worn on your left hand. With all the promises I made to you the night I proposed to be able to travel through your veins directly to your heart." Alison leaned forward, centimeters away from Emily's lips, "Do you mind if I move it back?"

"Not at all." Emily smiled, barely giving her a peck.

Alison slid the ring up Emily's left hand before kissing the top of the ring gently, "There we go."

"And the ring I gave you?" Emily asked, hesitantly. And though Alison looked her directly in her eyes, she shook her head no.

"I love this. I love tonight and everything you put into it. But you know I can't take that ring back with your vows from our wedding day attached to it."

"Okay… I understand." Emily looked down, smiling at the silver band on her finger. A princess cut diamond adorned with scattered emeralds and diamonds around its edge. With ' _Three years down. Forever to go.'_ etched delicately in the inner band. "Dance with me?" Emily moved her eyes back up to her wife's who sat patiently grinning as Emily processed their conversation.

She stood up, extending her hand as Alison laughed, "Dancing was a part of the plan tonight?"

Emily nodded as she pressed her wife against her chest before walking them into the living room, "What? Are you self-conscious about dancing with me in your pj's?"

"Not at all. You just don't like dancing…"

"Au contraire." Emily laughed, letting go of Alison's waist to walk toward a turntable and starting the vinyl inside. "I don't like dancing in front of other people. I love dancing with you."

Emily walked back to wrap her forearm around Alison's waist while pulling her wife's right hand up to her chest before starting to sway back and forth as Nat King Cole's voice began projecting through their living room, singing the song quoted in Alison's vows.

_When I fall in love, it will be forever._

Alison fell against Emily's chest, pressing a kiss on her collarbone, "Where did you even find this?"

"Remember the guy who bought our bed? Cameron? I traded the bed for the turntable and part of his collection."

"Emmy, that was a month ago…"

"And? I knew I wanted to surprise you with it at some point." She kissed Alison's forehead as they both faded back into the song.

_When I give my heart it will be completely,_

_Or I'll never give my heart_.

_And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,_

_Is when I fall in love with you._

Emily took a step back to turn Alison in her arms before spinning her gently back into their starting position.

_And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,_

_Is when I fall in love with you._

Pulling her wife's face up next to her own, Emily wrapped her arms as tightly around Alison as she could before whispering gently, "I hope this makes up for December… Welcome home, Ali."

* * *

**A/N: Welp! This chapter was by far one of my favorite things to write so far. I hope you all enjoyed.**

**I wanted you all to know that in my mind's eye, this story only has about 3 chapters left. I'm not sure if that's how it will play out at all, but for right now, I think I can tell the remaining parts of this story in 3 chapters.**

**Hope you are well! Next chapter on Sunday! :)  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	29. Our Deepest Desires

Lying down in their bed that same night, Alison held her breath. Her inhales remained trapped in her lungs as she felt her wife fit herself into her every curve. Emily sighed, curling her arms around Alison, allowing the events of the night to wash over them. But Alison remained still, despite feeling secure in her arms. She refused to breathe, imagining that if she never did again, she could stay frozen in this moment forever. Maybe if they could just stay. Right here. In this moment. She would feel safe and protected and loved for the rest of her life.

"Two weeks." Alison exhaled into the darkness.

"What was that?" Emily asked, pulling herself closer into Alison's back as she laced their hands together underneath Alison's chest.

"Two weeks until we have to make a decision..."

Emily mumbled contentedly into her ear, "It's actually less than that, Al. Everything has to be filed within two weeks. If we're not going through with it, we have to have all of the new paperwork filed and accepted by then."

Alison's anxiety continued to build, "Really? Why didn't anyone specify that?" As her panic continued, Emily began to feel Alison's breathing patterns increase while wrapped around her body.

Propping herself up on her elbow, Emily looked down at her wife, "Well, sweetheart, not many people going through what we are consider reversing the process. I doubt that Dominic thought to include that information. But it's okay; if I remember right, it's just a few pieces of paper."

Alison turned over onto her back, keeping her eyes closed out of fear, "Okay, but what if I'm not ready in time."

She reached over to their nightstand to bring light into their pitch black room before the brunette then leaned down to place a delicate kiss on each of her wife's eyelids as she brushed the sides of her face with her thumb, "Then, we go back into deliberations. We continue paying our lawyers and mediators. We can figure this out at whatever pace you need." Emily could feel that this night alone together had sent Alison into a spiral. It made her come to terms with the reality that they were facing. They weren't just playing house. They were attempting to rebuild a home. "Tell me your fears, babe. What haven't we gotten to yet?"

"I don't know how to forget."

"Alison, we got into this mess because that's what I was trying to do. The goal is not to forget. The goal is to remember every damn second that we were apart and remember how much better if feels when you're by my side. The goal is to provide the best life we can for our daughter. The goal is to become better parents, better wives, a better support system, and better people than we could be separate from one another. Please don't forget. Don't forget a moment of it because without it, we wouldn't be here. We are so eternally lucky to be right here right now, Ali."

"And Liam?" Alison groaned while sitting up.

"What about him, sweetheart?" Leaning forward so that their foreheads were barely touching, with hands intertwined, Emily closed her eyes desperately, feeling the anguish seeping from her wife's pores, "What do you need?"

"He should be here too, Emmy." Her voice cracked, mourning equally side by side for the first time. "How are we the lucky ones when our son isn't by our side?"

Alison's head fell as she burst into sobs. The first wail that escaped her lips caused Emily to recoil in pain. She felt her wife's distress viscerally. She heard the torture in her sobs. She saw the depths of her grief. Tears of her own escaped in empathy knowing that their son's honor had been left behind in the wreckage of their past. They stayed in that cocoon for over 10 minutes as the two women cried in each other's arms. There would forever be a lingering emptiness in their home and without its acknowledgement, the vacancy would continue to intrude in their thoughts and actions for years to come.

"Look up at me, babe." Emily whispered, fighting to get it back together for the whimpering blonde. As soon as her blue eyes hit hers, she poured out her soul, "We are lucky because we're still here. Because we went through some of the most agonizing years of our lives and made it to the other side. Yes, we lost Liam along the way. We lost our first prized possession to a cruel July day. But we're lucky because through that we're still a family."

Alison reached up to put Emily's face in her hands, "I don't know how you can say that when you've never told, Liv. How are we a family if there's no indication of him in our home? How are we a family if we never tell her? How are we supposed to move forward when we've never addressed the past?"

Emily followed her wife's lead, adjusting herself further up on the headboard before pulling Alison in between her legs. Wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist, she kissed her cheek before continuing, "I'd love to tell her. I've always wanted to. I just – " Alison squeezed Emily's hands as she felt Emily gulp behind her, "I never knew how I could face the truth without having you by my side."

"She's not even two, Em. She doesn't need a play by play. But I need to know that we're not going to hide him from her. We have to honor his memory more than just in the tragedy of his passing."

Emily smiled into the back of her wife's head, "I want her to know Liam, too."

"Good…" a heavy silence fell between them as Emily etched 'I love you' into Alison's skin, "This time's going to be different right?"

"Our marriage?" Emily asked as Alison nodded in reply while sinking into her chest, "Was there something wrong last time?"

"I just feel like – " Alison paused, tracing her fingers up and down Emily's arms as she willed her words to escape, "I mean, think about it. We've been married for four years? But we were only given seven months of ecstasy. Seven months, Em? After that, we've been in turmoil and separation and uncertainty. I have the biggest fear that somehow seven months is all we were promised. That tragedy will continue to follow us."

Emily's lips danced against Alison's jaw as she allowed her wife's insecurities seep out. She hated that she had contributed to the turmoil and uncertainty that continued to haunt them. But she also knew Alison was wrong. "You're right, Ali. We really got a shitty draw after getting married. But you're also incredibly wrong because our relationship is so much more than those seven months or these four years. Do you remember the moment I knew that I was in love with you?"

Alison leaned back into her wife's chest as she nodded, placing a small kiss on her neck before letting Emily continue.

"It was the end of January. We were 22, had only been dating for a few weeks, and it was right before that huge snow storm hit. The northeast was calling for campus closures due to the impending white out. I remember talking to you earlier that week when we decided to not see each other that weekend because travel was going to be potentially hazardous. It would've been the first time in almost a month that I would've gone longer than four days without you, and my heart was actually aching. Because we had promised that if we had to be long distance until we graduated that we would trade off traveling back and forth those 300 miles between us. We got off the phone a little after 10 that night, and it took me hours to fall asleep because waiting over a week to see you again seemed impossible. But then doorbell of my townhouse rang around 5 am…"

Alison giggled, "You were so bleary-eyed that you opened the door in a complete haze. You said my name as if I could be a mirage."

"And you walked into my house and just said…"

"I made it."

"You said it as if there was no alternative. As though I had been expecting you, and I realized right then that I had been waiting for you to make it to me my whole life. I had been waiting for you walk through that door and into my arms before I knew it was even a possibility."

Emily paused to turn Alison's face up to give her a kiss, "We've never just been given seven months. You came into my life at 12 for a reason, babe. We were given a lifetime together. And of that lifetime, a little over three years of it have been hard. But those other 15 years have been the most precious years of my life."

"Maybe you're right…" Alison slowly turned back to her side, her wordless signal that she was ready for sleep.

"I intend to prove how wrong you are every day of the rest of our lives, Al." Emily leaned over to turn off the light before wrapping herself around her wife. She closed her eyes content with those being the last words spoken between them that evening.

But Alison couldn't let the conversation end there, "I appreciate you, Emily. More than you know. I needed tonight. I needed your reassurance and your dedication and your ability to let everything feel like it's melting around me. You've always been patient with me, and I feel like shit that it's taking me this long to figure everything out." She kissed the back of Emily's hand.

"Whenever you're ready, I'm ready. Just say the word, and I'm there."

* * *

When Alison turned over the next morning, Emily wasn't by her side. A part of her panicked before hearing laughter from their living room. She smiled, crawling out of bed to put on a pair of sweatpants before looking at the clock. _10:22._ Wiping her eyes before walking to the front of the house, she was prepared to ask her wife why in the world she had let her sleep in for so long. But as she rounded the corner, all of her prepared remarks fell to the way side.

Standing in the middle of their living room were the two most precious people in her life. Emily stood smiling in the same sports bra and workout shorts she fell asleep in, while holding onto their daughter by the legs as Olivia swung around in circles.

"You want me to put you down?" Emily asked, giggling as Olivia roared in her grasp.

"No head, Mommy!" she squealed as Emily lifted her up and down inches from the floor before pulling her back up again.

"I don't know what you're saying silly goose! I can't understand what you're saying through all of those squeals!"

But as Olivia would try to calm down, Emily would pull one of her arms down to tickle Olivia's stomach which was barely sticking out from the shirt falling down around her eyes while upside down. Alison leaned against the fireplace wall in admiration for her wife. She flexed her fingers against the wall as she took in every inch of her beauty. From the way her hair cascaded down her back to the way she held their daughter so delicately yet firm to ensure her safety to the way her laugh still brightened a room from wall to wall even to this day. Though Emily continued spinning, she quickly stopped once she saw Alison staring.

"Sorry for intruding…" Alison whispered.

But Emily's smile only got wider, "Look who decided to wake up for us today, Squirt?" Emily announced as she expertly rotated their daughter in her arms, allowing Olivia to get a good look.

"Mama!" Olivia began squirming in Emily's arms to reach for Alison.

She continued speaking as Emily walked toward her, "Mom called me early this morning saying that Olivia had a rough night without us, so I went and picked her up early. Good morning…" Emily leaned down to kiss Alison before transferring Olivia to her arms.

"Hi, sweetheart!" Alison exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her daughter as Olivia tucked her head into her mother's shoulder. "Did you have a hard day yesterday without us there?" Liv nodded in reply, "I'm so sorry your day was hard, but sometimes your mom and I have nights with just us. It doesn't mean we love you any less."

Alison moved to the couch with Olivia while she looked around the first floor trying to find her wife, who had effectively disappeared in the 20 seconds she was focused on their daughter.

"In fact, it means that when we see you the next morning, we will have missed you all night long." Emily continued Alison's sentence as she came back into the room from the hallway closet. "Did you know that even while you're gone, we talk about you?"

As Emily rounded the corner back into the room, Alison noticed that she was carrying a white box she had never seen before, "Emmy? What's –"

"One second," she reassured before turning back to Olivia as she sat down next to the blonde, "Even last night, we talked about you so many times, and it had only been a few hours since I saw your beautiful face."

Olivia looked back and forth between her parents in awe as they spoke to her. It was apparent that she was hanging on their every word.

"Do you know why we talk about you so much?" Emily asked as Olivia shook her head. She then scooted closer toward Alison, wrapping her arm around her shoulders, as she began readjusting the box next to her and taking a deep breath, "Other than loving you so, so much, Mama and I worry about you sometimes because we waited so long for you."

Alison looked down at her wife who was clutching the box next to her for dear life as she slowly started putting together the pieces between the words she was saying and the prop next to her. She leaned forward to place a kiss on Emily's temple as permission to continue, before reaching into the box to pull out a photo. A sonogram.

"See, baby girl. This is you in mommy's tummy." Emily patted her stomach as Olivia stared in wonder, trying to process everything being said, "You stayed in there for nine whole months before you were born." She set down the sonogram before pulling out a photo from the day Olivia was born. On the back written in Pam's cursive were the words: Olivia Emerson DiLaurentis-Fields. 6 lbs. 10 oz. 20 ½ inches. September 5th 2017.

"Look at how pretty you were even then, sweet pea. You had your Mama's curly hair already!"

"Liddy?" she pointed. Alison laughed at her attempt at saying her own name.

"Yes, baby. Livvy." Emily scratched her daughter's head as she exhaled, knowing the next part of the conversation would be 10 times harder. "And even though this was one of the best days of our life, it was also really hard." As Emily reached back into the box, Alison reached for Emily's hand that was still around her shoulder, squeezing it tightly. She looked back at their daughter with another sonogram in her hand.

"Liddy?" she asked, inquisitively, causing Emily to take a pained breath.

So Alison stepped in, holding the photo on the other side, "No, sweetie. This is Liam. Before Mama had you in her tummy, Liam was there."

"He's your brother. You know, like how Uncle Jason is Mommy's brother."

Gripping the photo of Emily's last sonogram of Liam, Alison turned it over and shuddered at the words written: William Charles. 23 weeks. June 22nd 2015. Three and a half weeks later, he'd be gone. Olivia sat in between the two women with her hand on the picture. Gentle, yet confused.

"I don't think she gets it." Emily whispered to her left.

Alison laughed, "Probably not. We just have to get through it the best we can." She wrapped her arm around her daughter before continuing, "Liam was in Mama's tummy before you were."

She smiled up at Emily before putting her hand on her mom's stomach, "Baby?"

"No, Liv. Not right now." Emily shook her head. "This is mommy's first baby. And I haven't done a very good job of making sure you've known your brother since you were born. But we're going to make sure that talking about him becomes a normal conversation."

"Yeah, Liv. I hate to break it to you, but you probably won't even remember this conversation. We just want to make sure that by the time you do remember, knowing your brother comes second nature. Your mom and I just want you to know how much we love you. We want you to know that you mean so much to us because we weren't able to love your brother as much or as long as we wanted to."

Alison connected her eyes with Emily's once again to find tears forming in their corners, "You're doing perfect." Emily mouthed before pointing to an empty picture frame now sitting on the bookshelf next to their other family photos.

The blonde nodded before grabbing her daughter's hand, "But first, we want you to know that your brother is as much of our family as you are. We're going to put his picture right here, next to yours the first day you got home from the hospital and your mom and me when we got married."

Alison crouched down next to their daughter as she opened the picture frame to put the sonogram photo inside. After Olivia looked at it for a minute, Alison felt Emily's hand on her back, "It looks great, Al."

Picking up her daughter, Alison wrapped her arms back around her wife as Emily placed a kiss on Olivia's head. It wasn't ideal, but it was a start. Olivia was no longer in the dark, nor would they allow Liam to be. Emily felt a weight lifting from her as she held Olivia and Alison in her arms. The conversation went as well as she could expect, but she was blown away once again by her wife's ability to tackle any and every situation head on. Her desire to make things right and good and okay. She smiled into Alison as she placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I love you…" she whispered, as she pulled away, "Thank you."

And though Emily had said, 'I love you' multiple times since the night she showed up on Alison's doorstep. Though Alison had heard her wife and appreciated that she was still so vocal with her feelings toward her, it wasn't until that moment that Alison actually felt it. She felt that Emily was willing to change and was taking impactful steps to ensure that Alison was comfortable with moving forward. For the first time since walking back through their front door in December, Alison felt loved. She felt like a wife. They felt like a family again.

Staying connected with Emily's eyes, Alison unabashedly broke into a faultless smile as she let the feeling wash over her. She laughed out loud realizing the moment for exactly what it was.

"What's going on, Al? You okay?"

Alison nodded tenderly before saying the first words that came to mind, "Emmy, I made it."

* * *

Close to a week later, tension filled the air as Emily and Alison stepped foot into the elevator. Emily hesitantly reached for her wife's hand as the doors began to close in front of them. The last time they both were here, Alison had stormed out after discovering that Emily had ended her engagement with Maya. Though they were now moving beyond it, they could feel the emotion of that day lingering.

"You look beautiful today, Al." Emily whispered, leaning in to place a kiss on Alison's cheek.

Both women were in dresses that fell just above their knees as they were embracing the change into Spring weather. They hoped that the change in weather indicated the continued change in their relationship as well.

Alison tightened her grip on the brunette's hand, while blushing, "Thank you, but you know that I have to keep up with the two of you."

Looking to her right, Alison smiled endearingly toward Olivia passed out in Emily's arms. Her lips were pouted and slumped against her chest while her eyes remained relaxed against her delicately closed fists. Olivia was in a dress as well after running toward the two this morning with her preferred outfit after seeing her mothers' attire.

The bell above them rang when they arrived at Dominic's floor. Alison tensed at simply the sound.

"Breathe for me, Ali. It's all okay…"

"I know. I'm just ready for this to be behind us."

They stepped out onto the 5th floor expecting to find Dominic or Sam already waiting for them, but instead the lobby was empty. As they looked around while walking toward the chairs, they heard laughter coming from his office. Alison led the way while keeping ahold of Emily's hand behind her before knocking.

"Alison! Come on in!" Dominic announced. When they rounded the corner, the women found both of their lawyers chatting casually around Dominic's desk.

"So sorry, ladies! I know it doesn't seem like it usually, but Dom and I went to Northwestern together, so we decided to grab some coffee before this meeting."

The men stood to come toward Emily and Alison before pulling them in for an embrace. Dom pulled Alison close to his chest as he spoke into their hug, "Shake it off, Ali. Today's a good day!"

Sam spoke to Emily simultaneously, "I am so happy to finally meet this sweetheart. I assume this is Olivia?"

Emily whispered in reply as Olivia moved sleepily in her arms, "Yes. Sam, Dom. This is our daughter, Olivia."

"She is absolutely stunning. The resemblance to you is uncanny." He replied.

"Thank you. We used a donor with similar features to Alison, but my dominant traits won out across the board."

"Except for the dimples, Em. She did get more prominent dimples." Alison answered as she sat down in the chairs across from his desk. Simultaneously, Emily readjusted Olivia in her arms as she sat down, quickly reaching for Alison's hand again for comfort.

"So, before we get going today, do either of you have any questions for us? We have only a few documents to go over and then, we can make sure to file everything this afternoon." Dominic smiled across from them, internally pleased at the palpable connection emanating from the couple.

The two looked at each other before nodding and allowing Alison to take the lead, "From the time of filing, when will everything be back to normal? You know, as though nothing ever happened? The separation or this proceeding?"

"Great question!" Sam jumped in, "Usually when terminations of divorce or separation are filed amicably, the judge is able to dismiss without needing you to appear. If that is the case, it's about 20 days from the date of file. There is a chance with the amount of money and other assets being exchanged between you, including the custody agreement, that the judge will request a date for you to come in and reaffirm your dismissal in person."

"Why would that happen?" Emily asked worried, wanting all of this to pass as soon as physically possible.

"It's just to ensure that there is no coercion or abuse taking place."

Emily nodded, glancing at her wife, "Hopefully that won't happen."

"Is there any way to add something to these notices that might make sure that this process is easier for us? As I'm sure you both know from doing this day in and out, this has taken a lot out of us. Life hasn't been normal since I got home, and all I want to do is to never think of the two of you again. No offense."

Dominic covered his heart as he responded, "That hurts, but I understand. We can include the notes from your parole officer indicating that you're following and meeting all of the requirements. But past that, the judge won't consider anything written by either of you because those types of documents could also be coerced."

Alison sighed, brushing her thumb across the back of Emily's hand, "It's fine. Let's get this party started then!"

Opening the folder in front of him, Dom pulled out a few sheets of paper both labeled with the heading: NOTICE OF WITHDRAWAL. Subconsciously, Alison began tapping her toes in anticipation which made Emily grin from ear to ear. Over the past few days, Emily had started to notice little moments of excitement that radiated out of her wife. It was as though Alison was trying to hide her happiness so that she didn't get her hopes up. One morning, she had been woken up with Alison placing small kisses all over her face, smiling down upon her as if surprised that Emily had still been by her side. After putting Olivia down for a nap that past weekend, Emily caught her wife sliding down the end of the banister on their staircase before finishing with a small spin. Every newly initiated touch between them was met with a small squeal or squeak of elation. It pleased Emily more than she could put into words that from the moment Alison chose to rededicate herself to their marriage that her body language and reciprocity in events changed as well. It gave her faith in their relationship that Emily didn't know was missing.

"So the questions I have to ask today are so that we can ensure that we are meeting the proper legal definitions and requirements for withdrawing from a divorce. Most of these will be yes and no questions, but feel free to add anything that may be needed." Dominic paused, looking at each of the women back and forth between beginning, "Alison, as the plaintiff a lot of these questions fall on you. Are wishing to withdraw your petition of divorce today?"

"Yes, I am." She replied confidently as Emily traced the inside of her palm with her thumb.

"Are you making this withdrawal out of your own cognizance?"

"Yes."

"Have any claims or counterclaims been asserted by either party of the divorce since the finalization of the document filed February 11th of this year?"

"No." They both asserted, simultaneously.

"So, you are requesting the withdraw of your petition as you no longer have grounds for divorce?"

"Correct. All our differences have been reconciled. Right, babe?" Alison winked at Emily before turning back to her lawyer.

"Great to hear. Okay, I'm going to pass this document to Emily as we move on to the next item of business. Emily, I'll need you to fill out your current address, your name, and sign, agreeing to the withdrawal." Dominic adjusted his voice as Sam starting assisting Emily next to her. "This next document is mostly completed ahead of time by our office. But Alison, as the plaintiff, I need you to read through this document and should you agree, you will need to complete the information at the bottom. I'll give you time to look through that."

"Emmy?" Alison whispered to her right, "You want to do this one with me?"

Emily looked over the shoulder from where she was leaning forward, "One second." She quickly signed the bottom of the Withdrawal before turning back to her wife. "What's this?"

"I have to read through this document… and I don't know. I just wanted to you listen to me so that we both know what I'm signing. Is that okay?" Emily nodded as Alison began reading, "My name is Alison DiLaurentis. I am the Plaintiff in this case. I wish to inform this Court that I no longer wish to pursue this case." She paused as Emily kissed her cheek while continuing, "Neither the Defendant… that's you… or I have filed a counterpetition or any counterclaims in this matter. Therefore, the Plaintiff files this Notice of Voluntary Dismissal and asks that this Court grant a dismissal of all my claims against the Defendant without prejudice in the above-styled lawsuit."

"That sounds good to me. How about you?" Emily looked up from the paper toward her wife's aquamarine eyes to find tears pooling in their corners. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Are you okay?"

Alison nodded before continuing, "I'm so sorry. Give me just a minute. Em, come to the foyer with me?"

Emily looked at both lawyers to try and reassure them as she picked up Olivia before placing her in an oversized chair in the corner of the office and then stepping outside, "What's going on?"

"I'm so sorry. Why am I crying?" she laughed against the wall, wiping tears from her eyes.

"It's an overwhelming day, sweetheart. You still want this, right?"

Alison glanced at her from the corner of her eye, "Yes. Yes, of course. Oh God. They think these are tears of? – oh no." Alison walked toward her wife, wrapping her arms around her neck. "I am in this. I am signing any and all documents that ensure we stay married. I just can't believe that we could've been here today willingly letting this all go. That I would ever, for a single moment, believe that I could let you go."

Emily tilted barely forward to kiss her wife, "But we're not, Al. Don't worry about the what if's and what could've been's today. We are here to reaffirm our love to just two lawyers, but that counts! Have I told you 'I love you' yet today?"

Alison nodded, smirking, "Tell me again."

"I love you." The brunette kissed her nose delicately.

"Mmm… I love you, too." she smiled, leaning toward Emily once more, "One more time."

"I love you." Emily turned her wife so that her back was against the wall joining the foyer with Dominic's office, kissing her passionately as Alison arched her back forward to meet her with the same amount of force. "Let's wrap this up, so we can finish this at home."

She smirked before walking back into the office, wiping Emily's lipstick off the corners of her mouth, "I'm sorry about that. Those were happy tears. Today is a lot. Where were we?"

Dominic and Samuel proceed through the remaining documents they each needed to sign: Withdrawal of Child Custody Agreement, Voiding of Separation Agreement, Reinstatement of Power of Attorney, as well as additional documents regarding the DiLaurentis trust.

"Last signature right there, Ali, and I think we're all done here."

"You hear that, Emmy? One more signature until we're officially not divorced."

"Or separated."

"Or separated." Alison smiled, bashfully as she placed her pen on the dotted line and signed.

"Congratulations, you two!" Samuel announced, clapping his hands together.

The clap sent echoes through the air, causing Olivia to wake up on the other side of the room. Her cries soon started as she realized that she was not in bedroom at home.

Emily rushed to her daughter's side as Alison began hugging their lawyers, "Good afternoon, baby girl. I'm sorry you got woken up so suddenly, but you've been asleep for almost your full nap time. You're okay." She placed a kiss on the side of her head as she walked back to the conversation.

As soon as Olivia saw her mother on the other side of the room, she sleepily began reaching toward her, "Look at how cute you are, sleepy eyes! Come here." Alison lifted her above her head before bringing Olivia down and kissing her repeatedly, "Ugh. You're almost getting too big for Mommy to do that, Liv."

"Sounds like we're going to have relish every second of it then…" Emily's voice trailed off as she wrapped her arm around Alison's waist.

"If we weren't already convinced, you three together are one of the cutest families I've ever seen." Dominic mused aloud.

"I completely agree. I know a lot led into your initial separation, but please don't make any rash decisions like that again." Sam laughed into Emily while pulling her in for one last hug. "It really was a pleasure working with you both."

As they finished their conversation, Emily placed her arm over Alison's shoulder which caused Olivia to reach her hand up to hold her mother's hand while giggling. "What are you doing there, Squirt? Ready to go home?"

"How about we order pizza tonight?" Alison looked up at Emily excitedly while they waited for the elevator doors to open.

"Whatever you want, Al. As you know, I'm all yours."

She paused, looking toward the doors closing behind them before scanning her eyes back to her wife, "Speaking of being all mine, I _am_ very interested in finishing what we started earlier, Em."

Emily stepped forward to cover Olivia's eyes before pulling her wife in for a kiss, gently gliding her tongue through her mouth as she hummed. Alison laughed into her as she replicated Emily's actions before reaching the first floor.

"Hey, Al." Emily whispered as the doors opened, "Only twenty days until we get to start the rest of our lives."

* * *

**A/N: Alright, family! We've got a small time jump next chapter followed by an epilogue left to go. Last chapter will be posted on Thursday! Epilogue this time next week :)  
**

**Thank you again for trusting me to tell their story. I hold these two so close to my heart and I appreciate giving me the opportunity to share their story with you all.  
**

**See you in the finale! Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	30. Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams

**A/N: Figured I would post this a day early because of Thanksgiving tomorrow.  
**

**Though this is the last official chapter, the epilogue is definitely a continuation and not just a series of summaries. This chapter is relatively choppy because they are just short scenes that wrap up a bunch of small stories and plot lines that have been left kind of a breadcrumbs throughout. I hope you enjoy and I hope you REALLY enjoy the ending. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

_Three Months Later_

Feeling the sun starting to come through the open window in their bedroom, Emily scrunched her face tightly as she pulled the comforter closer around the base of her neck. Their day would be eventful, to say the least, so she decided to take every moment she could to simply relax. As she settled back into her pillow though, she felt the bed shift to her right. A waft of Alison's shampoo flit through the air sending a smirk across her face.

"Good morning, beautiful." Alison whispered as she climbed back underneath the covers. "Don't try to pass off like you're still asleep, Em. I saw you smiling."

Alison chuckled as she tucked her head into Emily's neck before teasing with her tongue. Her hands roamed freely as Emily adjusted herself underneath her wife's touch. Moving slowly down Emily's body, Alison strategically stopped at the spots on her frame that she knew made Emily weak.

"Al… please, stop. I'm still worn out from last night. Give me some time to recover? Maybe?"

She paused while hovering over her wife's torso, collapsing into her body in defeat before easing her way back up to wrap herself around Emily. "Sorry. I just saw you lying here and looking incredibly adorable with that grin of yours across your lips. Sometimes I think that you forget how attractive you are, babe."

Emily turned onto her side, "You flatter me. But sometimes I think that you forget that I've known you over half of your life." Alison cocked her head as if asking a question, "You _always_ use physical touch as a way to detract from difficult situations. Sometimes, I let you do it willingly, but there's no way we're using your bad habits as a coping mechanism today."

"You suck." Alison flipped over away from her wife to sulk.

Following in kind, Emily scooted toward Alison before wrapping an arm around her nude figure, "Be mopey as much as you want, Alison, but you know I'm right. It's a big day; we should be excited."

"Can we just lay like this for a minute? I know today's important, but I don't really want to face it yet…"

"Whenever you're ready." Emily pressed her lips against Alison's temple as she held herself against her wife even tighter.

They laid in silence for a few moments longer before being interrupted, "Mama! Mommy!"

Emily started rolling to her left while speaking, "If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. You should've never taught her that the baby monitor in her room meant we could hear her anytime she needed us, Ali." She walked around the bed before crouching in front of her wife, "Get up at your own pace. I'm going to get dressed back in my pajamas and make breakfast for all of us. How does that sound?"

"It sounds perfect. I love you." Alison leaned forward, humming into their kiss before sinking back into the mattress for a few more moments of rest.

It took Alison a couple dozen minutes to prepare herself for the day before finally dragging herself out of bed and putting on some shorts and a t-shirt to make her way into the kitchen. Olivia saw her first and quickly became elated.

"Mama! Mama!" she kicked against her high chair, causing Alison to move toward her quickly.

"Gentle feet, Livvy. I missed you so much too, but we have to do our best to be patient. Your mom and I would hate to see you get hurt. Come see me." She reached forward before walking behind her wife to wrap an arm around her. "Thanks for talking me off the ledge this morning."

Emily turned in her arms so that they were face to face, "Of course. You'd do the same with me. You ready to talk to Liv about today?" Alison nodded, "Okay… we'll just go with what we practiced? I put the frame on the counter over there." She pointed behind her before moving back to the food.

"Sure." She gulped before smiling down at her daughter, "You're going to come sit with me at the table while your mom puts the biscuits into the oven and joins us. We have to talk a little about today, Squirt."

Olivia reached up to pull her mom's face into her hands to give her a kiss. Their daughter had the uncanny ability to empathize from a young age. Coming into the world at a time of unrest caused her to adopt a peace about her that she wished to pass on whenever she could.

"How did you know Mommy needed that today? You're so thoughtful." Alison took a deep breath as Emily walked around to the other side of her to help. The brunette reached under the table and placed her hand gently on top of her wife's thigh as Alison began to speak, "So, today, well this weekend is a big day for our family. You… you remember how we talk about your brother?"

Alison paused as Olivia looked at the frame placed in her mother's hands before saying, "Leem."

"You're right, baby girl. Liam." Emily smiled, resting her head against Alison as she continued, "We've told you a lot of times that Liam was our first baby. But it's actually kind of sad because we never got to meet him and hold him and love him like we get to do with you every day. So once a year, we get together with other people who love your brother just as much as the three of us do." Emily's voice cracked thinking about all of the citizens of Rosewood that always came out in both Liam and Chance's memory.

"And from what your Mommy tells me, it's a hard day but a good one because of how much of an impact your brother had on people he never got to meet. Today will actually be my first time being able to celebrate him with so many other people. Can I tell you something?" Olivia nodded as she looked between her parents, "I'm kind of scared about it. I don't know how I, or other people that may be there, will react. But I also know that I'll be okay because I have you and your Mommy with me. Can you stay by my side today so that we can look out for each other?" Alison tickled her daughter's stomach to lighten the mood as Olivia collapsed into her hand.

* * *

"You're going to be great today, Ali." Emily grazed her hand up and down her wife's back as they walked across the street toward the memorial. "You remember why we're coming here today, Squirt?"

"Leem! Leem!" Olivia looked up from holding her mother's hand while crossing the street together, before making eye contact with someone on the grass. "Gamma! Gamma!"

"Why were we ever worried about her today? She's literally going to be passed from person to person as the happiest girl in the world." Emily whispered into Alison's ear as they stepped onto the curb, and Olivia dashed for her grandmother's arms. "How are _you_ doing?"

As she asked the question though, she looked into the small crowd of people in front of them, who were all looking back their way. Emily paused, looking behind her to see what the issue was before realizing that they were all staring back at her wife. She stepped in front of Alison's frame to block to crowd before speaking.

"Em…" Alison whispered, "You told Liz that I was coming today, right?"

"I texted her, yes. She said it wouldn't be a problem."

"For her or everyone else?" Alison gulped, wanting nothing more than to disappear. But as Alison opened her mouth to speak again, they were interrupted.

"Emily! Alison! My goodness. It is such a pleasure to have you both here with us today." They turned around to see Chance's mother, Liz, walking toward them both with her arms wide open. "Emily, I love you dearly. But I'm going to hug your wife first if that's alright."

As soon as Alison's body was wrapped around Liz's, she was able to exhale in relief. She watched as the faces in front of hers relaxed as well before turning back to their own conversations. Her arms covered Liz's back as Liz began rocking them back and forth.

Liz pulled away holding her at arm's length. "It's been almost a year since I've seen you and a whole three without being able to give you a hug. You look good. Are you good, Alison?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm alright. Today is a lot, but seeing you here has helped."

Taking her arm in hers, Liz began walking and talking, "Emily, I'm going to take your wife for a bit. Greg is over by the grill; he had mentioned wanting to catch up with you!"

"Take your time, Liz. I'll be sure to find you later." Emily left a lingering kiss on her cheek before walking to the other side of the memorial.

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Ali. I thought that having this celebration of life every year would make things easier. But here we are year three of being able to meet in person, in this spot, and it doesn't fix the wound. You know?" Alison nodded, looking away to wipe a tear from her eye. "It's okay to cry, dear. No one expects you to be a robot. Your son would want you to be honest with how you're feeling today."

"That's not it. It's Chance…"

Liz stopped to face Alison, "Look at me, sweetheart. Really look at me. Today is about our sons and the joyous moments they gave us no matter how big or small. Today is not about their passing or feeling guilt or remorse for wishing things could be different. We save all of that for the other 364 days of the year. But I'm not going to have you standing here in front of me crying about my son when he gave me the best 23 years of my life. Do you understand? Today isn't about your desire for something else to have happened that day. Today, we celebrate. Okay?"

"Okay…" Alison nodded, gathering her emotions back together.

"Have you been here yet? Since your release?" Liz grasped Alison's arm again as they continued walking.

"A few times. Mostly alone though, so seeing everyone around is a little different."

"I'm sure." Liz laughed, "Let me walk you through everything though. We wanted everything on this corner to be circular because we really do believe in the circle of life in our family. No life provides a definite end. I mean, look at our boys. They unite people every year. We commissioned the sculpture from an artist friend of Greg's, who I think did a great job."

"He really did. I noticed how much little Liam there looks similar to Olivia the first time I came out. It really is outstanding the work you did here, Liz. It means so much to our family that you commemorated our son beside yours."

"Loss is loss no matter how it occurs, Alison." She allowed her words to linger in the air between them as they held hands staring at the sculpture.

"So, Emily tells me that you've been using the restitution we paid your family for the upkeep of the memorial site. Is that still correct?"

Liz nodded while speaking, "Most of the money was used toward getting the land back into reusable condition, the sculpture, and installing the benches and things. The city does the upkeep around the area for free as it is public space. But yes, most of the money went right back here. We always thought the idea of restitution was unnecessary from the beginning though. No amount of money will ever bring our son back, just as you serving time wouldn't change a thing either. So, this seemed like the best option."

"You said 'most of the money.' There was some left?"

"Yes. Just over $100,000. We were able to fully fund the tuition for a student at the University of Pennsylvania who was going into the same medical program Chance was in."

"What a blessing for them. Just the one though?"

"We looked into starting an actual college fund. But those require a lot more initial capital, you know."

"Come sit with me, Liz." Alison guided Mrs. Baker over to one of the circular benches in the middle of the memorial. Placing one hand over hers, she started talking before she could convince herself to stop, "Now, I'm not sure exactly what this would take. But if you're interested, I'd like to put up the money to start a fund in Chance's name."

Liz quickly put her hands up to her mouth in surprise, "Greg? Gregory?" she called out as Emily and Greg rushed toward the two women, "Sweetheart, Alison wants to put up the money for the fund we wanted to start at the college. Are you sure?"

Emily placed her hands on Alison's shoulders as she listened to her wife, "It'd be an honor. After all you've done in the aftermath of such a terrible tragedy, for both of our families. How you've celebrated our son every year and welcomed us into your lives when most people wouldn't have even looked my way. It's the least I could do to begin to thank you for the impact you and your family have made in _our_ lives."

As Liz and Greg embraced, breaking into tears of joy, Emily wrapped her arms around Alison's shoulders from behind before gently whispering, "You amaze me. Endlessly."

* * *

"You know, I haven't asked you what it feels like to be driving again since getting your license back?"

Emily glanced at her wife from the passenger's seat as they drove away from the memorial site. Her heart was beating in time with the car while trying to get her mind off of the day.

"It's great to get a little bit of freedom back, but I still can only drive if I have an adult in the car. Like a damn permit driver."

Reaching over to hold Emily's hand, Alison found solace laced between her fingers. A type of grounding force contained within her palms, keeping her sane and secure and safe.

"I'll drive with you anywhere, babe." Emily reassured, kissing the back of her hand before nonchalantly speaking again, "Want to go on an adventure? Mom took Liv for the night, so let's live it up."

"I don't mind. Where do you want to go?" Alison shrugged.

"How about you turn right up here? Let's go out of town a little bit."

"What are you up to?"

"We can do something else, Ali. I just thought going out of town could be a welcomed change. Do you have something else in mind?"

"No, that's fine. We can definitely go explore." A pause ran through their conversation, "Sorry, Em. You seemed a little sneaky."

Emily laughed, "Sneaky? How could I be the sneaky one when you're driving? It's okay though, sweetheart. Maybe we can go catch the sunset up in the hills. Does that sound alright?"

"Yeah, that's good. You have a spot in mind?" Alison smirked back at her wife, still not letting up.

"I think if you make a left at this next light it will head up that way."

"Sounds good…"

The two women made their way up into the hills for a few more minutes before Emily gently pointed left again down a road into a subdivision.

"You're being sneaky again, Em."

"Shh…" Emily hushed as Alison rounded the corner to find a plot of land at the end of the road completely lit up with lights.

"Emily? What did you do?"

"Just pull over right here, babe. I haven't done anything yet. Stay right there." Emily leaned over the console to place a kiss on her wife's cheek before hopping out to come around to the other side of the car. Opening the car door, she continued, "It's like I told you, I wanted us to watch the sunset."

They walked quietly over to the land which sat at over an acre off of the top of the hill they were on. Artificial candles were set up in a large circle around the middle of the ground with a small blanket in the center. The area had trees surrounding it that framed the sky in front of them. Over an hour away from sunset though, Alison was still confused.

"Who set this up for you?"

"I may have promised to buy dinner when we go out with Spencer and Wren next week… Do you like it?"

"It's stunning, but I don't understand what's going – "

Emily stopped in the middle of the circle, turning to face her wife, "Let me explain. I got this idea a little over a month ago around your birthday because I realized exactly what steps I still had yet to take to further show you how dedicated I am to us and our family and our future."

"You do so much already though, Em. All of this isn't needed." Alison placed her forehead on Emily's, closing her eyes to soak in the moment.

She chuckled, kissing her cheek, "This is just the first part, so be prepared to keep being overwhelmed."

Alison shook her head. "What are you doing?" She asked wildly as Emily held both of her hands as she lowered herself onto one knee.

"Five and a half years ago you proposed to me at one of the most significant places in our relationship. You took my hands in yours, and you promised me forever. You didn't promise me perfect or easy, but you promised me love. You promised me happiness on my hardest days and dedication on my darkest. And in March, we talked about how you kept every single promise you made that day. But that you wouldn't wear your wedding ring again until I committed new vows to you. Every day since then has kind of haunted me to be honest. I look at your left hand, and a pang hits my heart. But since getting back together, I also think that our relationship has pushed past what we were the day we got married, so I didn't think your original ring would do either."

"Em…"

Reaching into the picnic basket sitting on the blanket, Emily pulled out a small black box, "In my original vows, I missed out on capturing a huge part of marriage that is inevitable. We were bound to struggle, Al. We were bound to hurt and get hurt. I hadn't anticipated just how bad our struggle and hurt could be. I believed we were undamageable and indestructible. But I've realized that the beauty of true love is knowing that even though there may be damage and destruction, we will both be there the next day to rebuild and repair."

Emily inhaled before continuing, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is about accumulating scars. As humans, we accumulate hurt. We accumulate moments of learning and disappointment and struggle. And if someone's going to come into your life and take your hand, they'd better be ready to take your hand, scars and all. I lost sight of that. I lost the ability to see all you've overcome, and all we were made to overcome. So that's what I'm here to promise you. I promise to acknowledge our hurt, our disappointment, our struggles. I promise to turn them into moments of learning. I promise to take care of you, scars and all. I love you, Alison. I've loved you since the moment you drove overnight in the middle of that snowstorm. And I've fallen in love with you over and over again every day since. As always, you are my yesterday. You are my today. I hope that with this ring you will be my tomorrow. For all the days of my life. And with that, Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, will accept this ring?"

Emily opened the box to reveal a stunning 2 carat white gold ring with a cushion cut diamond and small diamonds lining the band, engraved with ' _7 years down. Forever to go.'_ on the inside band. She smiled up at her wife as Alison stood with her mouth covered, "Are you serious?"

"Am I serious? Alison, I've been on one knee for almost five minutes professing my love to you. Of course, I'm serious!"

Pulling Emily up from the ground, Alison wrapped her wife in a bone-crushing hug, "Yes. Yes. A million times, yes."

She leaned away for Emily to be able to place the ring on her hand, "Does it fit? Do you like it? Is it okay?"

"My God, I love you. It's perfect, Em."

Keeping her arms entangled around Alison's waist, Emily stared down into her eyes as Alison slowly began letting the entire moment sink in. She felt Alison's hands enlace behind her neck as they both held on to every breath between them. "Let me know when you're ready for the next thing…" Emily whispered into her wife's ear.

"Give me another minute to process this."

Alison leaned back before connecting the two in a kiss. Emily always loved being able to feel Alison's smile against her just before their embrace. She loved seeing and feeling her happiness in every aspect of their connection. The blonde twirled her fingers through Emily's hair, grazing the back of her neck which forever made her go weak.

"Okay. I'm ready." She whispered, pulling away from their kiss, "What's next? Dinner from Sorrento's? A cute sunset stroll?"

Emily smirked while keeping her arms around her wife, "Both of those suggestions are extremely cute but are also incorrect. Do you remember how I started my whole vow spiel like 10 minutes ago?"

Alison looked up at her perplexed as all of Emily's words swirled through her mind. She giggled, placing her head against Emily's collarbone, "I now understand all of our friends saying that they forget everything during their proposals other than making sure to say 'Yes.'"

"Well, you did remember to do that. Do you need a refresher? I said, 'Five and half years ago you…' –"

Her wife's eyes lit up, " – Proposed to me at one of the most significant places in our relationship."

"Exactly, and I knew that if you had taken so much effort to make that moment special… I needed to attempt to do the same."

"This sunset is fascinating, Em. You did all of that and more."

"I did happen to pick a miraculously good day. But, no. That's not what I mean. I wanted to do this in a place that I hope will become of the most significant places in our relationship, too."

"Where? Here?"

"Yeah. I reached out to Jason, who reached out to your Dad, who in turn helped me access some of the funds in your family's trust."

"My Dad? Emily, I don't speak to my fath –"

"Let me finish, Al. I was hoping that maybe you wanted to unvoid that check from Christmas with me?"

"Unvoid? The check?" Alison began looking around as the pieces fell into place.

"I bought this land with money from my portion of the trust, Ali. I know how much you hate parts of our house now. I see how you sometimes cringe at the thought of the memories that invaded our home. I want to build new memories with you, baby. I want to build a new home. With you. Right here."

"Right here?"

Emily nodded, before letting go of Alison's waist while still holding onto her hand and starting to run to her left. "I want to build a house from… right… here." Emily stopped when she ran into the small rock row she had made indicating their plot line and drawing a line with her arms in the sky to either side of her before running off in the other direction. "All the way to… right… here." She stopped again to mark the plot line on the other side. "It's just over an acre of land, for us. For Liv. And it's almost the same distance from town as our house now."

"I can't believe you..." Alison smiled, spinning around to take in the land they were standing on. When she stopped, she crouched down to feel the blades of grass between her fingers before turning back toward the sunset and sitting down. She curled her legs up underneath her chin as she wrapped her arms around the front of her calves simply staring straight ahead.

Emily followed suit while imitating her wife's movements beside her, enveloping Alison in her arms, "What about this can't you believe?"

"That we made it here. In seven months, we went from broken and fragile to connected and strong. That the day that destroyed us will now also be shared with today. The day that restored so much faith into everything our future is going to become. That 18 years ago, I had the courage to come up to you and offer to show you around school, and that you had the foresight to agree. I don't know, Em. Sitting up here with all of this in front of us when the inside of a concrete cell was my reality for 22 months, it's overwhelming that somehow I still have good fortune. That somehow you're by my side."

"Get used to it, Al. Your stuck with this view and me by your side until forever."

"Promise?" Alison tucked her head sideways to smirk at her wife.

"I wouldn't settle for anything less."

The two women sat in blissful silence overlooking the city they grew up in. They watched the colors in the sky fade from blue to black as the clouds transformed from white to pink and the bands across the sky melted into a deep purple on the horizon. Each of them endlessly thankful that even with all they had faced, they were continuing in this life together. For as many steps that the couple had taken over the past seven months, no moment felt more impactful for their future than being on top of that hill.

And whether they chose to see it or not, it was plain to see that their future had been protected all along. That their story was meant to continue. That their fate was forever tied to one another. Because even though the Alison walking out of that prison seven months ago when compared to the Alison sitting atop this hill appeared to be two entirely different people, there would always be one thing that connected them both. One thing that had protected Emily and Alison for the past four years no matter the high or low. Because as they sat there content and hopeful and oh, so in love, Alison silently smiled, licked her finger, and raised it to the air.

Their safety. Their protection.

It would forever be found in the wind.

* * *

**A/N: Wipe away your tears... well, I actually don't think this would elicit tears, but you never know. I love the end of this chapter and the idea that Liam has been with the relationship all along really get my emotions moving.**

**Epilogue will be out Sunday! It's one of my favorite things I've written and also includes a time jump. See you then!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	31. Epilogue

**A/N: Enjoy this epilogue and may you know that for these two, there never really is an end.  
**

_\---  
_

_Four Years Later_

"Please stay around here for us, Olivia!"

The slender brunette, no more than four feet tall, spun around to face her parents to reply, "Can I go and show my new gift?" Olivia asked, while pointing behind her. The grin on her face blinding, as she stamped her feet in anticipation and excitement. Her curly brown hair had been pulled up into a small ponytail, showing off her already strong jawline and prominent cheekbones delicately framed on her olive-toned skin.

"Of course, sweetheart. Your mom is just nervous that you'll get distracted. Go have fun!" The women paused as their daughter ran ahead of them. After a moment, Emily turned to speak directly to her wife, "I know you mean well, but you really need to give her room to breathe every now and then, babe."

"We hadn't even finished crossing the street though, Em! I just wanted her to know our expectations for the afternoon."

Sitting down on a bench nearby, Emily placed a delicate kiss against her forehead, "Alison, she's lived with our expectations her whole life, and when has she ever let us down?"

"Never." Alison leaned into her wife's shoulder for comfort, "Is this what you were like at five almost six? Full of life and so, so smart?"

The brunette shook her head while pointing straight ahead, "I was far more shy, Al. She got all of this from you."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Alison chuckled, rotating her wife's face toward hers for a short kiss, "I've never heard you complain."

Emily murmured in contentment leaning in, meeting the side of Alison's face with the delicate touch of her palm. Despite being in public, it didn't take long for Emily to slip her tongue inside of her wife's mouth, which caused Alison to moan against her briefly. Nipping her bottom lip as she pulled away, Alison bit her lip while maintaining eye contact. "Any other complaints you'd like to lodge, Mrs. Fields?"

"I have no complaints. None at all." Emily curled her finger back toward her face, "Come back here."

"Emmy, we're in the middle of town."

Emily looked at her knowingly, "Oh, is it now my fault that wife is entirely too alluring for me to keep my hands off of her in public?"

They collapsed into each other laughing far too smitten for a typical couple after being together over a decade. Since their reunion four years earlier, the two had rarely been apart. They had spent days, weeks, and months working on their relationship from the ground up until the entire foundation of it was purely each other. It made them impenetrable. It gave them strength and perseverance in every obstacle they faced. They withstood the odds and were better off in spite of all the world had thrown against them.

"Mama?" Olivia called from the other side of the public area. "Can you help me?"

"You ready?" Emily asked, pecking her wife on the cheek before they both stood up to see what their daughter needed.

"Yes, Livvy?" Alison crouched down next to her as Olivia passed over an action figure. "Oh? Who is this?"

"That's Mega Mask. He is evil and keeps trying to use his secret potions to poison the city."

Alison glanced over at Emily who shrugged at the story their daughter was weaving. "Okay, and who do you have there, Squirt?"

"This is Ghost Ninja and her sidekick The Incredible Fly. Both of them have powers that make it really hard for Mega Mask to catch them. That's why Mega Mask is mad at them."

"I gotcha." She gestured to the other characters laying behind her on the ground that had come out of the superhero set they purchased at the store half an hour before arriving, "Who is your favorite out of all of them though?"

Olivia lifted the superhero in her right hand, "I like Ghost Ninja because of how brave she is, just like me!" She paused as she turned around and picked up a character off the ground, "But this one! This one is Liam's favorite."

Despite hearing Emily deep inhale behind her, Alison kept as straight of a face as she could, "And who is that?"

"It's Doctor Flash. He creates stuff in his lab that helps Ghost Ninja and The Incredible Fly, but he doesn't come around a lot. Like Liam and the wind."

Olivia was absorbed in describing each and every characteristic of the action figures in front of her. At the store when Emily and Alison had told her that they were going to visit their brother afterward, she had sprinted toward the toy aisle before they could stop her. From the time Olivia could form full sentences, she talked about her brother almost more than any subject. It had been a delicate balance for the parents who wanted Liam to be a part of their family, but also wanted their daughter to understand the role he played in everyday life. When they had been here a few weeks earlier, Emily had told her about how feeling the wind was a way the married couple knew that their son was close by. And ever since, Olivia had been obsessed with the wind. She walked outside each morning to see if she could feel the breeze. She ran as fast as she could across the lawn so that she could feel her hair blowing behind her. It was one of the many examples the women had given Olivia to help her understand that had ended up somewhat backfiring on them.

Alison placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder as she interrupted Olivia's barrage of descriptions, "Mommy and I actually wanted to talk to you about that today. Can you come sit with us really quick?"

She set down each of the actions figures while grabbing her mom's hand, "I'll be right back, Liam. Mommy wants to talk to me."

"Actually, this conversation is for the whole family, Liv. Come sit up here on my lap." Emily picked her up as Alison settled in beside them, "We have two things to talk about, Squirt. We're going to start with the harder one, okay? You remember what we say about things that are hard to talk about?"

"Hard talks are not bad talks." Olivia repeated, looking down at her hands.

"You're right. Last week, Mommy talked to you about Liam and said that sometimes we know that he's with us when the wind blows."

Oliva nodded, "Yeah, and two times this week he came and visited me."

"Well, that's great, sweetheart." Alison reassured, "And we don't want to take those moments away from you. But we wanted to make sure that you don't get attached to that idea either because… and there's no easy way to say this, but…"

"Do you understand that Liam isn't _actually_ in the wind, Olivia?" Emily interrupted. "Sorry…" she whispered into Alison's shoulder.

"Duh. People can't live in the wind, Mommy!" Their daughter snapped her head, as if it were the easiest idea to comprehend in the world.

Alison couldn't help but cackle, "Yeah, duh, Mommy! Why would you ever think that?"

"And Liam can't be in the wind when he's right here." Olivia directed her attention back toward the memorial statue on the corner of Main Street and the hospital.

Emily nudged Alison to give her an 'I told you so' look before the blonde began speaking again, "Okay… But, Livvy, Liam isn't right here either."

Olivia looked back at them confused, "So he's with Gampa?" she asked, referring to Emily's father who had passed away while the two were in high school.

"No, Liv. Your brother was really little when he passed away, remember?"

"He was in your tummy, Mommy." She put her head on Emily's stomach with a thud, which caused Alison to viscerally respond next to them with a groan.

Emily chuckled before slowing down her speech in hopes that in the second time around the messaging would stick, "Yes, he was. But because of how tiny he was, we didn't actually get to bury him next to Gampa. So when we say that Liam _is_ somewhere, it's because his memory gets to live within each of us. Not because he is actually here like your mom or me."

"See, all of the stories we tell you about Liam and all of the adventures you have with him when we come and visit this spot, you get to carry those moments with you everywhere you go. You don't need the wind to be blowing or to be right here in this spot in order for your brother to be with you. We are living for your brother every day. Does that make sense?"

Olivia nodded, unsurely, "So, I am Liam?"

"Not exactly. But you carry little parts of him and the memories you have together everywhere you go. We just don't want you to think that because the wind doesn't blow or because we don't get to come to this spot every day that Liam isn't with you. He always will be, Liv."

"Okay! Can I go play now?" she tried to wriggle free from in between them.

"Nope, nope, nope." Emily insisted, sticking out her arm for Olivia to stay put, "That was our hard conversation. Now we have our fun conversation!"

"We get ice cream?" the five-year old prompted.

"Ooh, ice cream!" Alison's eye widened, looking at her wife. "Maybe in a bit, but first Mommy has something for you."

"A present?"

Emily continued, reaching into her purse, "Kind of like a present. We just wanted to show you something."

The brunette passed an image into their daughter's hands. A picture she had become familiar with over the years, "A somingram!" Olivia screamed, "Liam?"

"It's son-o-gram." Alison smiled, while emphasizing each syllable, "And no baby, this isn't Liam. It's your new little brother."

Emily clutched her wife's waist as Olivia stared in wonder at the picture. "New brother? In your belly?" Olivia slammed against Emily's stomach once again, pressing her ear to her side.

Emily groaned while shaking her head, "No, sweetheart. He's in Mama's belly." And as Olivia began shifting herself, Emily held her back at the shoulders, "But! You're being too rough. You need to be much softer with Mama."

Leading her hand softly, Alison placed one hand on her stomach as she gently pressed Olivia's head against her as well. At only 13 weeks, Alison's bump was barely protruding, but Olivia was invested all the same. "A baby is in here? Right here?"

Alison nodded as tears began welling up in her eyes, "Mm-hmm. And by October, he will actually be here with our family."

Keeping her head on Alison's stomach, Olivia squealed, "Liam's going to be so excited! Does he have a name? I need to know everything for Liam. He's going to be just as happy as me!" Her little legs kicked beneath her as she smiled in excitement.

Emily's hand rested on her daughter's back, "His name is Levi."

"Levi?"

"We wanted to make sure we paid tribute to your brother a little bit. I'm not sure if you remember, but before you could really say Liam's name, you used to just call him Li." Alison commented while lacing her fingers with her wife's.

"I did?" Olivia looked up to meet her mother's blue eyes.

"You did, and we thought it would be a good way to remember him more if your little brother carried that on."

"So I can call Levi, Le if I want to?"

"Of course you can, Liv. We definitely will, and as long as it's nice, you can call him anything you want." Emily commented behind the girl as she began moving for the ground.

"Can I go tell Liam now?"

"Sure. But don't forget –" Alison attempted to interject. But before she could finish, Olivia turned around.

" – He's right here!" She pointed at her chest, smiling from ear to ear before turning around and yelling Liam's name. "Liam, you'll never guess! But – "

Emily glanced up at her wife, "You think she got it?"

"We'll find out tomorrow if she runs into the backyard again to try and feel the wind blowing." She laughed, falling back into Emily's shoulder. "How did we get so fucking lucky, Emily?"

"Because we were given a lifetime together. You make us and Olivia better every single day."

Alison kissed her wife briefly before continuing, "That's very sweet. But, I mean specifically with her. She surprises me daily. I don't know how amidst all of our chaos when she was first born how she turned out so… perfect."

"She's the best of both of us. You know what I can't wait for though?" Emily asked, facing Alison once more, "I'm ready for this little guy to come out. I can't wait to see how handsome he is with your eyes and hopefully your dimples. And sometimes I wonder if he will even make the same cute little face you do whenever you're confused."

"Like this?" Alison prompted before attempting it.

"Close. But, you have to furrow your eyebrows a little more. It looks more like..." Emily stopped, doing her best impression.

"And you think _that_ face is the cutest one I make?"

Emily nodded, pulling her wife in for another kiss, "Have I told you how sexy I find you pregnant?"

"Only twenty times a day, sweetheart."

"Like damn, I thought that I hit the jackpot at twenty-fucking-two. If only I could've told that Emily how fucking attractive you'd be 12 years down the line…"

"I'm flattered. But like I told you earlier, we are in the middle of town, babe."

The brunette leaned forward barely licking her wife's earlobe before whispering, "Then let's go home."

Alison shivered, "As tempting as that offer is…" she got within centimeters of her wife's lips before quickly standing up, "I believe we promised a certain five-year old ice cream."

"You're a fucking tease, DiLaurentis." Emily retorted while standing up to wrap her arms around Alison's waist, "Olivia, pick up your superheroes! We need to go get your mother ice cream, stat! We've got to get home and get ready for bed!"

"It's not even night time, Mommy! We don't go to bed until night time…"

"Yeah, Mommy? It's not even night time!" Alison remarked, grabbing onto their daughter's hand as she juggled her superheroes in her left arm.

Emily sighed, letting go of Alison's waist to hold onto to her other hand, "You're too smart for me, Liv. Fine, let's go get some ice cream and maybe a pizza on the way home. I'll be patient for bed time. But you owe me, babe." Alison kissed her wife's cheek tenderly before allowing her mind to wander on the way to car.

Over the past four years since returning home, Alison had taken time during the best moment that she could imagine for the day to complete an exercise she learned while in prison. It was simple but effective in making sure that Alison's actions lined up with her hopes. At first, her lists and requests had remained simple, not wanting to jump too far out of line or be too specific with what she wished to achieve. But as the years went on and her and Emily continued getting stronger and more communicative and better overall, Alison's list became more elaborate.

A task that first started with all that Alison would need to lead a happy life began to broaden to everything she wanted beyond her needs. Things that weren't requirements but would be more than appreciated. Then, as her wants and needs collided in the reunion of her relationship, she began expanding the list more to include all that she yearned for, each desire for their future. Each moment of life that Alison hoped to cling to. And when she finally allowed herself to do those three things: state her needs proudly, want for more, and desire the best for her family, she reached the ability to dream. Since being let down by half of her immediate family before the age of 18, she finally dared to dream again.

She ventured beyond what she knew possible and allowed the world to bring what it may. And as her mind wandered on that picturesque April morning, Alison believed that after eight years, she might have surpassed what the lesson was meant for. Because as she swung Olivia's hand while her and Emily sang the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' for yet another time on the way back to their car as she felt butterflies spiraling from her stomach, Alison realized that this moment right here, sandwiched between the two women she loved more than anything in the world…

This moment was a more fulfilling reality than any dream she could have ever even imagined.

\---

**A/N: Thank you everyone for following along with this story! Some housekeeping things!**

**1) This story does have a sequel/companion story, BUT it is on hiatus due to another story I started that has taken precedence. If you would like to read it, head over to Fanfiction.com, search for secretpen28 and check out REMEMBER ME. There are only 6 chapter posted as a heads up! :)**

**2) In a few weeks, I will be starting to post the story I am currently working on called 'Kingdom Come Undone'. It currently sits at 15 chapters but over 155,000 words, so I'm attempting to chop some of the chapters up to make them more palatable for AO3 due to most stories on this site being more concise. If you're down for 10 - 15k words chapters though, PLEASE COMMENT. It would save me a lot in the editing phase. Also, if you'd like a head start, it too can be found on Fanfiction.com.  
**

**3) Lastly, I have just launched a Patreon page for original and exclusive writing content that you cannot find on any of the writing platforms I'm currently on. All profits received will go directly to medical bills I have accrued over this past year due to my autoimmune disorder diagnosis. Free stories on FanFiction, Wattpad, and AO3 will continue; this will just include exclusive stories, access to polls for future content, ability to request content, and anything else that you guys are interested in! I appreciate any one that even goes to check it out! Just search my username on the site. Thanks so much for your support!  
**

**You all are the greatest. See you at the next one :)**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


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